"I don't know what I would have done if you walked up those stairs."
"Me either."
The pair stood frozen in a web of their own making. They were suddenly unsure of how to proceed. Buffy was the first to break eye contact. She took a deep breath and looked up the stairs, as though she suddenly remembered there were other people in the house.
"I have to go upstairs."
"Oh sure, pet, just take a blokes heart out and stomp on it while you're at it!" Spike spun back towards the punching bag, ripping down Angel's crudely drawn caricature.
"I'm just going to change into pajamas, Dirt and blood spattered jeans...... really not my favorite sleepwear." Buffy's voice held a mixture of amusement and annoyance. Two emotions that so often combined when Spike was around.
"Oh right. I knew that." Spike's feigned nonchalance was unconvincing, but Buffy let it slide. "Don't go changing on my account pet, I've always favored the nonexistent variety of sleepwear."
"Yeah, not gonna happen Spike."
She slowly made her way up the stairs and into her bedroom. By some miraculous coincidence, Faith wasn't around so Buffy could change in peace. As she crept back down through the house, she was relieved not to encounter anyone else. She could hear people moving around in the kitchen and living room, but she was hoping to avoid them. The last thing she wanted was to explain where and with whom she would be sleeping. Using all of her powers of stealth (well with the exception of tripping over a pile of weapons that someone left by the stairs), Buffy made her way back down into the basement without difficulty. Spike was standing right where she left him, silently smoking a cigarette in the dim light.
"So."
"So."
They both stood looking at the bed, awkwardness preventing them from taking the next logical step. Spike threw his cigarette to the ground and deliberately stomped out the flame. He was waiting for Buffy to make the first move, per usual, but she seemed unwilling to do so. Finally he came to a decision, moving towards the bed he reached out a hand for Buffy. Trustingly, she took it and let him pull her down onto the bed and into the circle of his arms. They lay there passively as the minutes stretched out. Spike spooned Buffy from behind, resting an arm lightly over her. After what seemed like an eternity, Buffy turned towards Spike, forcing him to roll onto his back as she laid her head on his shoulder.
"Can't sleep, pet?"
"An impending apocalypse always gives me insomnia." Spike smiled into her hair, settling her more comfortably into the hollow of his shoulder. "Part of me knows I should sleep, rest up for what's to come, but another part of me doesn't want to waste a minute if this is my last night on Earth."
"Personally, I can't think of a better way to spend the rest of my unlife, but I'll understand if you need go check on the wannabees."
"Spend what could be my last night with a bunch of scared teenagers? No thanks."
"Well its nice to know I rate above someone." Buffy craned her neck to look into Spike's eyes. His words were light, but there was underlying seriousness to his comment.
"There's no one I'd rather be with right now." Spike seemed temporarily memorized by her gaze, but he shook himself out of it with effort.
"You don't have to say that Slayer, we both know that I'm just convenient." Spike drew his arm out from underneath her shoulders, drawing in on himself.
Buffy grabbed Spike's arm for emphasis as she spoke, " If I wanted convenient, I wouldn't have sent Angel away, you've been with me since the beginning of all this. Its only fitting that you be here at the end as well." Buffy lifted Spikes arm and fitted herself back into the hollow of his shoulder, Spike didn't respond but he let her settle herself back against him. Once again, silence fell between them. Buffy slowly drew tiny circles on Spike's chest, over his t-shirt. As the silence grew between them,
Buffy grew more intent on touching him, slowly exploring the hard muscles of his chest with her fingertips. She let her hands graze over his shirt, reaching down until she found the spot where his shirt gapped from his jeans. She spared a brief thought for how uncomfortable it must be to sleep in jeans, before raising his shirt slightly to touch his bare skin. Buffy never got over the strange sensation of cool skin where you expected warmth. When she asked Spike if she could stay, she had just wanted to be held, comforted. She wanted to recapture the same sense of peace she felt the night before. But as she lay in his arms, unexpected desired welled up from a hidden place inside her. She didn't dare look at Spike as she let her hand slide underneath his shirt, slowly exploring the broad expanse of his chest. She could hear Spike's rapid breathing, but he still remained silent. It wasn't until she began to lift his shirt, exposing even more pale flesh, that he finally spoke.
"Don't." Buffy didn't respond she merely looked at him, the unspoken question in her eyes.
"You don't have to do this, just to prove you want me here." Spike spoke quietly, looking away from her. Buffy reached out and gently drew his chin back towards her.
"This isn't about proving something. Last night you gave to me without asking for anything in return. Can you blame me now for wanting to do the same." Buffy held Spike's gaze intently, trying to prove her sincerity.
"You don't owe me anything, pet. If and when we ever have sex again, I don't want it to be by way of fulfilling an unpaid debt." Spike inclined his head and crooked his eyebrow at her, as though chastising her for what she was thinking.
"This isn't about unpaid debts either, Spike. I want you. I'm not being noble here, just selfish really. The past few months I've held you at a distance, but the attraction was always there, you can't deny that. I've kept you at arms length because I didn't know how to deal with it. When you didn't have a soul it was easy to remember why we couldn't be together. These past few months the reasons have been less clear." Spike shifted under the weight of Buffy's gaze, unsure of where she was going with this conversation.
"A dozen people buried in a basement seems reason enough to be skittish, love."
"But I'm not any more, that's the point. I want you, Spike. If you don't feel the same way........" Buffy let her voice trail off. She wasn't sure how to finish the sentence. Instead, simply stared up into Spike's eyes, waiting for an answer.
"Really not the problem, love." Spike reached around to cup the back of Buffy's neck, drawing her lips to his in a kiss. Everything he was feeling was there for her to discover in his kiss. His desire, fear, and confusion, all of these emotions seemed to flow over her as her lips explored his at a leisurely pace. With their lips still engaged, Buffy reached down to finish what she started. Lifting up Spike's shirt, breaking their kiss only briefly before drawing it over his head. As their kiss deepened, Spike pulled her even closer, rolling her on top of him as one hand buried itself in her hair and the other slid beneath her tank top. Buffy shivered at the feel of his hand on her bare skin, his nails gently scraping a trail towards her neck. She leaned up over his chest and clutched the bottom over her tank top, beginning to draw it over her head. Spike stopped her with a gentle hand on her wrist.
"Wait, Buffy." Spike said gently, almost hesitantly.
"Is something wrong?"
"Yeah..I mean no....oh bloody hell!" Spike once again rolled her over off of him, so that they were lying side by side. He ran his hand through his hair, as a nervous gesture.
"The gypsy-curse-perfect-happiness clause doesn't apply to you does it?" Buffy asked with confused concern.
"Naw....I think I'm immune from that one." Spike took a deep breath, "Promise you won't laugh....cause remember I don't have the chip anymore and may be forced to kill you and others if you do."
"I promise."
"Well the thing is pet, I've never done this before...with a soul mean." Buffy just stared at Spike in mute shock.
"I think the mouth agape look might be worse then laughter." Buffy shook herself, regaining her composure.
"I'm sorry, its just you were what 26, 27 when you died and you were a....." Spike cut her off before she had the chance to finish.
"Alright, 'nough said, no need for the V-word." Buffy smiled at Spike's embarrassment, finding it endearing. "Thing is, pet, times were different then. Then again, some things were the same. Single blokes who still lived with their mum didn't get much play, and besides I made old one-eye upstairs look cool by comparison." Buffy laughed aloud at that mental picture.
"Speaking of Xander I think he'll be the first I kill for that laughter." Buffy put on a straight face with considerable effort.
"I'm sorry. But really, it was like a hundred years ago, literally. Why tell me?" As enlightening as Buffy found this conversation, she still couldn't figure out how it mattered.
"Since I have no basis for comparison, I didn't know if it would be different now that I'm all soul-having."
"I guess we'll just have to find out." Buffy responded, once again drawing his lips to hers in a kiss. This time she drew him on top of her as they kissed, letting her hands explore his body slowly. Already she knew it would be different then any other time between them. Always before they had been hurried, feverish with desire. They had never taken time for the slow discovery of each other's bodies as they did now. With lips and hands they explored each other's throats, chests, navels and beyond. As though it truly was their last night alive and they were memorizing each other's flesh. Buffy enjoyed watching the slow revelation of Spike's body as he removed his pants. She reveled in touching him, in sliding her fingertips over his hips and legs in a way she had never done before. She had always avoided it, as though these small touches were more intimate then the sex itself. Spike too seemed more interested in tasting and savoring her then in seeking his own release. Removing her pajama bottoms, his lips were everywhere. They trailed from the hollow of her hip, to the back of her knee, even to her toes. When he finally sheathed himself inside of her, Buffy felt a sense of fulfillment she had never experienced before with Spike. As they both drove towards mutual ecstasy, Buffy thought the look of love in Spike's eyes would melt her heart.
They lay there as the minutes stretched out, enjoying the comfortable silence. It was Buffy who finally broke the spell.
"We should probably put clothes on, otherwise we'll shock the hell out of whatever potential comes looking for us." Spike sighed, knowing she was right. He didn't want to give up the comforting feeling of her bare skin against his own.
"Right, we wouldn't want to be corrupting the wannabes, now would we?" He propped himself up on one arm as Buffy swung her legs over to reach for her clothes that were scattered on the ground. As she bent forward, Spike couldn't stop himself from kissing her bare back. Buffy froze in place, letting him kiss a trail up to her collarbone, then to her neck. She had no more desire to end this interlude between them then he did. But responsibility called louder then desire so she finally reached forward and drew on her shirt and pants.
"I was right, you know, Slayer. It was different with a soul.... better. I guess that's the difference between making love and having sex. I never really saw the distinction until tonight. Tonight we made love. Or, at least, I did. I'm still not sure about you." Buffy turned to see the questioning look in Spike's eyes. She knew the answer he sought but she couldn't give it to him. Instead she kissed him lightly, savoring the taste of his lips. The truth was she wasn't sure herself about how she felt. She didn't think it was love, but it was more then just friendship and attraction. She avoided answering by holding tightly in her arms, burying her face in his neck.
She spoke softly then; a distant echo from the night before, "Will you just hold me?" Spike nodded quietly. Buffy drew away and handed him his clothes, still worried that someone might walk in on them. Once he was dressed he drew her into the circle of his arms once again. As Buffy began to drift off to sleep he finally asked the question that was haunting him.
"And tomorrow? What happens then, when the big bad is taken care of?" Buffy shifted uncomfortably, it was the same question she'd been asking herself.
"I don't know. I guess we'll just see what happens; maybe we can just taking things slowly........ Oh what the hell am I talking about? We're not going to live through this."
Spike simply laughed and pulled her close as they drifted off to sleep.