She wasn't always so damaged.
Once upon a time, she was a perfect little girl with her perfect little attitude and perfect little life. She didn't try too hard to get the perfect grades, nor did she have to worry about her parents fighting. All she had to worry over was her ballet recitals every Thursday afternoon after school. She didn't have to worry about a boyfriend, far less a child. She was a child herself so the thought never crossed he pretty little mind.
But life can change you.
It can make things fall apart in ways you never imagined. It can turn you into a sinner, even though you always went to church and said your prayers. It can turn you against the ones you love. And it can take those people you hold so close to your heart away.
Clare Edwards knew about life.
"Come on, it's time to go," he told her, pulling her arm away from the fresh grave.
"I'll stay a little longer," her voice whispered, tired from such a long time. And it was barely noon.
"He won't come back," the older boy said, trying to comfort the young girl, even though he knew it wasn't possible. His words were meant to be soothing but it was hard in a situation like this.
"I know that," she snapped, pulling away from his grasp and glaring at the dirt. "I know that, okay? Can you just go and give me a minute? I'd like to be alone."
He didn't argue, just simply nodded and looked away saying, "Do you want me to take Julia home?"
Clare nodded, her throat closing up. "Tell her a story; sing her a song, whatever you want. Just don't let her think about what happened. She might be young to understand but I don't want this memory haunting her when she's older."
Even in this situation, Clare handled things to perfection. She'd outgrown her childish ways but always wanted everything to be immaculate. That included her daughter being happy; a happiness she couldn't give at the time. She was hurting.
"Don't you dare explain anything to her," she said between her gritted teeth. "That's my job, Jacob Martin. Just because you're back in my life doesn't mean I need you."
"I never said you did." He walked away without saying anything else, leaving her in complete silence.
Honestly, she didn't need him. Not Jake Martin. Jake was typical, he was normal. Compared to that other man, he was perfect. But Clare didn't want perfect. She wanted that man who brought butterflies to her stomach, the one who took the unexpected route. He was always surprising her and it felt too great. She always wondered why she got so lucky.
Luck wasn't on her side anymore.
Her eyes burned with unshed tears that were just waiting to escape her dull blue eyes. She was tired of this charade, of acting like his death was nothing. She was a human! A human who felt and saw and wanted to die. She wanted to escape this hell, because that's what her life was without him. He would always make her laugh and make her smile, bringing out her inner child. He was so carefree and sarcastic, a wonderful combination she adored. She gave him everything she could and then…then he died.
Eli Goldsworthy died.
"I hate you!" she screamed, dropping to her knees on the soft soil, her bare skin sticking to the ground. Her dress was moist with the fresh dirt, and she felt like she was sinking lower and lower into the earth. "You swore you'd never leave me! You told me you'd always be here by my side. Where are you now when Jules and I need you the most? Why did you have to die?"
It was pointless to hope for an answer but she secretly did. She prayed that he'd give her a sign that he had in fact not died. That he was still very alive and in love with her like he always promised. But there was no sign. Nothing to hold on to. Once you're dead, you're dead and there's no coming back. He was dead indeed, buried six feet deep into the soft warm ground. He'd never come back and passionately make love to her, or hold her in his arms or kiss her again. He would never be by her side to make sure she was alright. And what hurt her the most was knowing that she wasn't the only one suffering with his death. Eli had left a daughter, a sweet ad innocent child who deserved to have a father in her life. Julia needed her dad, even though she was only three. In a few years, she'd forget all about his existence and how wonderful he was with her. Eli wouldn't be able to take her to her first day of school, or pick her up after her piano recitals. He wouldn't get to meet her first boyfriend, or walk her down the aisle o her special day. Eli would miss out on all those things.
"She won't call you 'Daddy,'" Clare cried, pulling her arms around her frail body. She was freezing, the chilly March air biting into her skin but that was the least of her worries. "You won't be there for her, Eli. Why?"
And as pointless and ridiculous as these questions were, she didn't care. She didn't care about the sun setting or the sun falling in soft, little flakes in her reddish-brown hair. She was back in her memories. With Eli.
"You know, too much ice cream is bad for you," the young girl said, trying to keep a serious face by biting back her laughter.
"That is a lie, Edwards," Eli Goldsworthy said, licking his ice cream cone and pouting at her. "You're just saying that so I'll share my delicious double chocolate cone with you."
"I am not!" Clare protested, crossing her arms over her chest. "But you know, I wouldn't mind it if you shared some of that yummy looking ice cream."
"Not in this lifetime," Eli smirked, giving the ice cream a slow lick, torturing Clare in a way she never imagined possible. "I told you I'd buy you an ice cream sandwich but you kept saying no."
"That's because I thought we'd share your ice cream," Clare said sniffing a little. "If you love me, you'd share."
"Oh I love you," Eli said grinning, "but you're not getting any ice cream from me."
"You are one mean boyfriend, Goldsworthy," Clare said, glaring at him. "I thought we had something special but no, you just love ice cream more than me. I see how it is. Here I thought, 'Eli loves me!' but no.. You're just evil."
"You can't bribe me into sharing," he teased. "I'd share but nah."
"Come on, Eli, would it kill you to give me a little taste of it?" Clare pouted. "It's really hot!"
"I know I'm dangerously hot, Clare-bear, you don't have to say it out loud.. not that I don't love hearing it and all but people might start thinking wrong." He winked. "Anyways, if it's so hot I'll take you home. Why would you want to sit in a hot park with me and my ice cream?"
"I swear, next time I have food, I won't give you a taste," she mumbled, sticking out her tongue at him.
"Aw come on Edwards, don't be like that! Here, you can have the rest of my cone," he said sweetly, extending his arm with the ice cream on the other end. "It's yours, I swear."
"Okay!"
She took the cone away from his hand and walked away, jumping off the green grass and making her way over to the picnic tables. She didn't turn around to give him another look so she didn't see the way he was staring at her with such love. She didn't see Eli's glazed expression or the way his mouth hung open a little. Clare didn't see th adoration evident in his emerald eyes or the way his mouth had gone dry with each sway of her hips.
Clare didn't see Eli was falling head over heels fo her.
The two had been dating for a little while, but it was nothing too serious. A few kisses here and there, holding hands in the park, goodnight hugs. It was too innocent, but that's how she liked it. Now Eli, he was a boy so he obviously saw Clare in a different light than from when they were just friends. He fell a little faster with every step she took and for once, it felt right. His past relationships had all been messy and ended badly but with Clare...he wasn't sure he wanted an ending.
"Come back, little girl," he called out, jumping to his feet and chasing after her.
She, too, was falling in love.
Clare had never had anything serious with a boy. She knew what happened in relationships but hadn't done any of that herself. She was pure, something that Eli treasured. You couldn't find a girl like that anymore.
As they ran around the grassy park in circles, they didn't notice the clouds overhead. They didn't feel the temperature drop a few degrees. They didn't feel what was happening. It could've been a shift in the world, something that went unnoticed by them. But they felt it. They felt their skin burning, aching for something more than a silly high school fling. They were more mature than anyone their age so it was only natural to have those kinds of feelings.
"It looks like it's gonna rain," Eli said suddenly, taking hold of Clare's wrist. "Maybe we should go home."
"Scared of a little rain?" Clare teased, sticking out her tongue at him. "Don't be a wimp, Goldsworthy. Live dangerously."
Her little suggestion made something in his stomach come alive. He'd felt it before but for the wrong reasons. He'd felt this lust whenever his ex-girlfriend, Julia, stepped out of his bathroom in nothing but some skimpy lingerie. But here, right now, Clare was fully-clothed and not offering him anything sexual. She was merely joking but she made him desire her. No, it wasn't all about sex for Eli; he actually cared for the girl and wanted to see her happy. He couldn't ignore his raging body, though, or the way she made his head spin with her perfume. He noticed how when she was around, everything felt surreal and...it was a fantasy he didn't ever want to wake up from.
"You're so fucking cute," he muttered darkly, before crashing his lips against hers.
Their lips moved furiously against each other and their tongues fought for domination. Clare couldn't beathe, the oxygen escaping her body in a rush. She was panting against his mouth, fighting him back just as fiercely. He bit her lower lip, eliciting a moan from the back of her throat. She was too focused on him to be embarrassed of the noise that came from her throat. Her fingers pulled on the roots of his hair, his hands traveling lower down her back, to the hem of her shirt. He didn't want to take it too far though; they were still in a public park and besides...they'd established ground rules. Ones that involved a silver purity ring that in that moment burned on her finger.
"Fuck, you're amazing," Eli growled against her lips, pushing her back gently against the trunk of a tree. The rough bark caught on her blouse and lifted it off her hips. Her smooth skin showing, she blushed a deep red but made no attempt to pull the fabric back into place.
"I'm not going to sleep with you," she blurted out, avoiding his piercing green eyes. "It's not...because we just started d-dating. It's because I'm planning to save myself until marriage."
"I know that," he said with a lazy grin on his lips. "I couldn't expect any less of you, my dear. But if you keep this up...I'm really hoping one day you and I get married."
She blushed at his blunt words but didn't say anythig. Secretly, she hoped so too. He was something special, something that couldn't be found down the block. He was a diamond in a pile of dirt. He was her everything.
Suddenly, out of thin air, little cool drops of water fell on their faces. Underneath their soaking hair, their goofy smiles remained. Their clothes clung to thei body, making them cold, but it was a good kind of freezing. The kind that warms your heart yet chills you to the bone. They had no hurry to get home, though, walking down the sidewalk holding hand and talking about Chuck Palahniuk. It was something they could do all day, dicuss the author's books. Eli was a huge fan, most of his book shelves containing Palahniuk's novels.
It was the simplicity of their relationship that amazed Clare. From all the things she'd heard from Alli and Jenna, boys could be annoying and never wanted to talk. Eli was the opposite. He could spend all day long discussing literature with Clare. It scared her how much she cared for him but at the same time, it sent her heart racing.
She never wanted to leave him.
"My mom's gonna be so mad," Clare said through chattering teeth.
"Just 'cause you're a little wet doesn't mean she'll burn you alive," Eli smirked, wrapping an arm around her waist.
The innocent action sent her knees weak. He was in her veins, taking over everything she was sure she'd never lose to a boy; her trust in herself. She didn't know how long she could keep this up without attacking him like a wild animal. It was this desire that scared the hell out of her. She was falling too fast, too soon.
Clare wanted it to be real.
They were a few houses away from Clare's home. She didn't want him to leave though. An idea formed in her head, one that was risky and complicated...and it might be worth getting into trouble.
"I don't want you to leave," she whispered against his neck.
"Do you want me to stay with you and your family for dinner? I'm not sure Momma Edwards would appreciate an uninvited guest."
Clare scoffed. "She's not an Edwards anymore, you know. She's Helen Martin now."
Eli tried to find some comforting words but came up empty. He knew that Clare's mother had gotten married a few weeks ago to an old family friend. Glen was nice enough and treated the woman good but he wasn't Clare's dad. The young girl couldn't relate to this man's passion for fishing and camping and construction. She couldn't imagine why her mother would choose such a man to marry. It made no sense why Helen was pushing Clare with her new step-brother either. They were living in the same house for God's sakes! That could be considered incest, something Clare wasn't into at all. She didn't like Jake in any way. He was cocky and annoying and loved talking about soccer and his red truck.
Besides, Clare had Eli.
"I have a plan," Clare said softly, avoiding Eli's eyes because she was positive he'd tease her for the next words that would come out of her mouth. "What if you climb up to my room?"
He didn't say anything for a while and she began worrying that she was moving too fast. They weren't exclusive to the entire world and this - this might be hurrying up their love.
"That's not a bad plan, Edwards," Eli mused. "But the only problem is I can't climb to save my life."
"You ever learned how to climb a tree?" Clare asked incredulously.
"Hey, I was an indoor kid!" Eli defended. "I never enjoyed the outdoors and heights scare the crap out of me.
"Today's you lucky day then," Clare giggled, leading him over to her balcony. She pointed to the large oak tree next to the house. "I'll be inside waiting, Eli. Don't be scared, okay? I'll be here."
And with those last words, Clare walked into her house. Glen and Helen were nowhere in sight, just the eerie silence that hung in the air. She felt so alone and was glad Eli would be keeping her company. Now a days, she felt like she was living on her own, without actual family support. Helen was never around anymore and - it hurt. It pained her to see her once loving, caring mom so distant and unloving. There was no family anymore, as tragic as it sounded. There was Helen, and Randall, and Clare, and then Darcy thousand of miles away in a different country making other people happy.
As she walked into her room she heard a noise coming in from across the hall. It was a thud. Then there was a moan and whisper of hurried voices. It was all coming from Jake's room. Instead of sticking around to hear the end of that, she just walked away, honestly grossed out. Jake could be such a player.
"Eli!" Clare shrieked as she opened the door of her room.
The boy was sitting half naked on her floor, flipping through a photo album and drying his hair with one of her many fluffy, green towels.
"I thought you said you couldn't climb trees," she said, gasping for air.
"I can't, but there was a ladder against the side of your house," Eli said, not looking away from the thick album. "It was fairly easy to climb and here I am."
"I'm really happy about your accomplishment and all but what on earth are you doing with my photo album?" she lauged, dropping to the floor next to him.
His body heat was radiating off his skin in warm waves, making her fingers burn with the urge to run her fingernails down his chest. Good guirls didn't have thoughts like these about their boyfriends. No, they avoided those very thoughts that made their heads swim in want. Clare didn't want to be like all the other girls and their boyfriends. She didn't want this thing with Eli to be something based on mere lust.
"Are you okay?" His voice snapped her out of her thoughts and she nodded.
"I'm fine."
"Is this KC Guthrie?" Eli asked suspiciously.
Clare bowed her head and blushed. "We were friends last year. Well...a bit more than friends actually. Nothing too serious, though. He cheated on me with Jenna, you know the pregnant cheerleader?"
"How the heck is a pregnant girl able to do cartwheels and chant those over-enthusiastic cheerleader songs?" Eli wondered out loud, making her laugh.
That's how they spent their afternoon. Laughing and flipping through old photographs. It was a peace only Eli could bring her. Their conversations would get off topic but neither minded. It was fun, something Clare hadn't experienced in a long time. She didn't care that her mom wasn't home yet, or that the moans from across the hall were getting louder by the minute. Eli noticed but said nothing, knowing Clare disliked Jake a lot. She didn't even try to hide it, but didn't express it verbally. Anyone could see the two didn't get along.
"Do you even know who she is?" Eli asked at around 8pm, referring to the girl who was in Jake's room.
"I'm not sure I want to know," Clare admitted. "He's always bringing girls home and not letting me sleep with their noises. It's annoying."
"We could, you know, annoy him too, by making some noises of our own," Eli suggested slyly, wiggling his eyebrows up and down.
Clare caught on rather quickly and opened her mouth to argue but no noise came out.
"I'm kidding, Clare," he said, lifting her chin with the tip of his finger.
They stared into each other's eyes and shared a moment. They held their breaths as the distance closed. Clare could see the tiny specks of gold in his emerald eyes, and he could make out the freckles on her porcelain face. They didn't kiss though, because being this close to each other was something that couldn't be replaced by a million kisses.
Time passed and their love grew. It turned into something that they couldn't live without. The two teens spent all their free time together, talking and laughing and most of all, being themselves. It wasn't an easy thing to do in a society like the one they lived in. Eli got rejected by people for being different, not that he really cared. Clare got pushed around for being so smart and sweet. They didn't have it easy through their high school years but everyday they made it through. Every afternoon they'd sit on Clare's front steps and read some poetry. Their love progressed and Clare was glad to know that is was completely real. It wasn't about being intimate or who had the last laugh. It was simply about their happiness. Their friendship.
A relationship without friendship isn't a relationship at all. There isn't those happy moments where you can joke with your significant other about the silliest things. There isn't any sparks, or any long conversations about pointless things. There's no happiness.
Long before they began dating, Clare and Eli had a great friendship. They were soul mates from the beginning, something people don't always find. It made sense for them to be together.
As other couples broke up and got together - for example, Adam Torres, their best friend, began dating Katie Matlin but then she left him for his brother - Clare and Eli stuck together side by side. It proved that their love was real and true. They didn't need to show the world how happy they were, although it was obvious from the looks they shared.
Before they knew it, high school was over. It had ended in a flash, and they were still by each other's side. On graduation day, Eli gathered all his courage and proposed to Clare in front of their graduating class. He was met with applause and tears, the latter coming from his future wife. Of course, Helen Martin was opposed to that marriage. She argued they were far too young to be considering marriage. They had so much ahead for them to just tie each other down. Mostly, she didn't want Clare to move on with her life. She didn't want to see her daughter happier than she was.
Either way, Clare didn't care about what her mother though. Helen never went to her for love advice when she began dating Glen, why should Clare have to give a damn? She was a legal adult and could do whatever she pleased.
On her wedding day, Randall Edwards walked Clare down the aisle, which was covered in soft white rose petals. The ceremony held no more than fifty people, all of which were close friends and relatives. Adam Torres was the best man, his girlfriend, Bianca DeSousa, the Maid of Honor. After Clare found out that Jake was sleeping around with her best friend, Alli, the two girls stopped talking like before. It was't easy to find out your brother was sleeping with the girl you considered a sister.
The wedding was perfect. Everythig about it screamed true love. It wasn't something glamorous or fancy, yet it held enough elegance. Most of all, the two lovers enjoyed it.
Afterward, they drove off into the sunset in Eli's hearse. It was like a dream for both of them, to be tied together forever in every way possible. Clare didn't regret not inviting her mother to the celebration. Helen wouldn't have gone anyways, too proud to admit she was wrong about er daughter's choice. Glen, however, did go and had a great time with Jake. Clare didn't have ay hard feelings toward either of them; she knew the two liked Eli. It was refreshing to hear people tell her she was a lucky woman.
At just twenty two, Clare Edwards - now Clare Goldsworthy - was married.
"April Fool's Day is just around the corner," Eli said, rolling his eyes and opening up his book again. "You're quite the prankster, Clare-bear, but you're not fooling me."
"This isn't a joke, Eli!" Clare laughed, clutching her sides. "I'm telling you: I'm pregnant."
"Yes, and so is my mother," Eli scoffed, drinking some more of his beer. "You have to come up with something new, love. I'm not falling for this "I'm pregnant" charade."
"Eli Goldsworthy, if you don't believe me why don't I take a pregnancy test?" Clare said sharply, tapping her foot against the wooden floor.
"Because joke's on you!" Eli smirked widely. "I know you, Blue Eyes, and there's no way you're pregnant."
"Really? No way, huh? So all those times we -"
"We're not talking about this right now," he sighed. "Stop being so persistent and admit that I'm smarter than you give me credit for."
"You're acting really stupid right now," she whined. "Come on, Eli, don't you want a little daughter?"
Eli looked up at her as if she had three heads. "Daughter? Daughters get boyfriends. And then a husband. Hell no, I don't want a daughter.. Now a son...well then we can talk. He'll be just like his dad. And I'd give him Morty once he turns sixteen."
"Are you saying you'd never let your daughter date?" Clare gasped. "You're so mean, Eli! I swear, you'd be a bad dad to her."
He smirked and wrapped an arm around Clare's waist. "Why are we even talking about this? We're not having a daughter any time soon, so quit it."
"What will it take for you to believe me?"
"Let it go, please," Eli groaned. "I've got enough stress on my mind. I don't need a kid making it worse."
"You'll see, Goldsworthy, you'll see in nine months.
"I hate you!" Clare cried through gritted teeth. "You did this to me!"
"N-No, honey, we did this together," Eli tried weakly, trying to soothe his pregnant wife. "It'll be okay, I promise, I won't leave your side and -"
"Fuck you, Goldsworthy," Clare whispered, clenching his fingers tighter in her tiny hand. "Fuck you. I swear, once this is over, you are dead."
"Now, Clare, those aren't things to say when your kid's about to be born," Eli teased with a smile.
Their daughter was on her way. It was a hot June evening, the sun barely setting even though it was already 7pm. Clare was on the hospital bed getting contractions and cursing Eli. She was in so much pain, she didn't have any idea about half the things she was saying. Her forehead was covered in sweat and her hand clasped Eli's in a death grip.
"I think we're ready," Clare's doctor said with a smile.
The entire process was a blur. One moment Clare was screaming in pain and swearing at the top of her lungs, the next a cry pierced through the air. It was a cry that brought tears to Eli's eyes, one that knocked the air right out of Clare. It was the cry of their baby girl. After nine long months of awaiting, their daughter was there. She was alive and healthy and in her father's arms.
"Julia," Clare gasped, holding Eli's hand calmly. "Her name is Julia."
The rain poured down on Clare's frail body. She couldn't believe how much her life had spiraled down. She went from being the happiest woman on earth to nothing but a shell. She was broken and battered and...dead. A life without Eli wasn't a life at all. It was an excuse for breathing and taking her daughter to daycare.
When she was a little girl, she didn't have any idea what losing someone was. She had the perfect life without a single care. She always thought, I'm going to get married and have a couple kids and then we're going to grow old together. We're going to live happily forever and my husband will never die. She never considered the possibilites of a car crushing her husband's skull, killing him instantly. She never thought that she would be a widow at barely twenty-six. All these tragic scenarios never formed in her pretty little mind, mainly because they didn't have to. At some point, Clare thought life would always be perfect. There would never be a rainy day or another tear shed. She was a girl; she was naive.
Life could be hell, but if she had someone by her side, Clare knew she could make it through. Now she wasn't so sure.
"Julia's asleep," a voice said from behind her. "I'm going now. Your car is parked by the entrance. Call me when you get home and I'll drop off Jules."
Clare nodded numbly and wiped away the last of her tears.
When all you live for is gone, there's no reason to be happy.
I don't know where this came from. I started it a few weeks ago and barely finished (i'm not in the mood to do world studies homework ;] lol)
So yeah, review? :D