Disclaimer--We own nothing.

We took our inspiration from the Arthurian Legends, Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, and Robot Chicken (Star Wars episode--I highly recommend you watch this to understand the fic a bit better.)

We hope you enjoy our crazy, at times, really random take on these stories in the Harry Potter universe. We hope you laugh half as much as we did writing it!

By: Pepperluck and Calista Fitzgerald

Harry sat sullenly on his bed contemplating the meaning of his life. Life was letting Harry down. His mentor died. He broke up with his girlfriend (possible love of his life). He was being forced to be a murderer. Someone wanted to kill him. His parents were dead. His godfather was dead. His childhood was marred by the treatment of his relatives. He was publicly humiliated and called a liar. Worst of all, the fate of the world rested on his scrawny little shoulders.

Suddenly, a wizened old wizard appeared at the foot of his bed. Harry shot up in alarm. He screamed, "Who are you???"

The old man just stared, giving Harry a pitying glare.

Harry yelled, "Answer me! Answer me damn you! Are you a Death Eater? Did Voldemort send you?"

The old man smiled. "Who is Voldemort?"

Harry stared in shock. "How can you not know Voldemort? He Who Must Not Be Named. You Know Who. The Dark Lord. He's famous... as am I!"

"I am from the past," the old wizard replied. "Perhaps you've heard of me. I am Salazar Slytherin."

Harry frowned in consternation, "But how can it be?"

Slytherin responded, "I have no idea."

"Wait a minute... you're evil!" Harry shouted at the supposed Salazar Slytherin.

"There are some things you should know Harry. Things you would have never dreamt of. Things that would horrify even Voldemort if he knew!"

"You said you didn't know who Voldemort was!" Harry screamed in frustration.

"Voldemort is a dark lord obviously. And like all dark lords, he is a woman. It's elementary my dear Harry," Salazar croaked.

Harry just stared.

"There is something else you should know. "When I was a younger man, I visited this time. I left behind a son... yes Harry... you are that son. I AM YOUR FATHER!!!"

"NO! IT'S NOT TRUE! IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!!" Harry shouted in horror.

"And... Ginny Weasley is your half sister." Salazar calmly stated.

"NO! THAT'S NOT TRUE! THAT'S... highly improbable."

"Voldemort will be defeated by... HOUSE ELVES!" Salazar continued.

"That's... highly unlikely," Harry said.

"And as a child I invented...INDOOR PLUMBING!" Salazar screamed at the top of his lungs.

"Huh?"

TEN MINUTES LATER.

"Everyone keeps calling me Salazar Slytherin, which is funny because everyone always called me Ben. It was my middle name. Salazar always seemed so... formidable. And as my boyfriend Jose always said, 'what's in a name?'"

"Wait wait wait... your boyfriend?" Harry asked.

"Well everyone experiments... didn't you ever have some moments with your best friend?" Salazar inquired.

Harry grimaced, shook his head, but let out a hopeful sigh, and a sly smile. "Hey... does this mean I'm the heir of Slytherin? Is there a secret fortune?"

"Yes, but since you already have money, it is all going to my daughter Ginny. But you can have this strange gold ring with some weird lettering I could never figure out."

"What the hell? That's not fair. After all the crap like... KISSING MY SISTER, I don't even get any money? Thanks a lot Dad."

Harry awoke with a start, relieved that it was all just a dream. He looked over at the sleeping red headed form beside him and smiled. Ron looked so peaceful when he slept.