James Bond: Idiot Edition
STARRING:
Johnny as JAMES BOND, AGENT 007
Will and Tunny as FELLOW M16 AGENTS,
Saint Jimmy as ERNST BLOFELD, the leader of SPECTRE,
Theo as SPECTRE AGENT 0069, LISCENSE TO KILL AND OTHERWISE
Miguel, Gerard, and Other Disciples as UNNAMED SPECTRE HENCHMEN
Whatsername as SCANDALOUS, INAPPROPRIATELY NAMED BOND GIRL,
Extraordinary Girl as THAT ONE BOND GIRL WHO COULDN'T FIGHT HER WAY OUT OF A WET PAPER BAG
Heather as OTHER SEXY-NAMED BOND GIRL WHO GOT PREGNANT AT THE LAST MINUTE AND THEREFORE WILL ONLY HAVE A BRIEF APPEARANCE IN THIS PRODUCTION
THE SCENE: Secret underground SPECTRE headquarters: Jingletown USA
Jimmy: *Petting fluffy white cat* I've called you disciples here today as it's come to my attention that M16 agent 007 has survived our last series of complex, poorly thought out, easily escapable traps.
Theo: *nodding attentively*
Miguel: Where'd you get the cat?
Jimmy: Miguel, pay attention.
Theo: Yeah Miguel. Listen to the saint.
Gerard: SHAAAME
Theo: LET'S ALL SHAME MIGUEL
Jimmy: Disciples. Uh, I mean… Henchmen. Let's focus. How are we going to annihilate this threat called… *visible look of disdain* He-who-shall-not-be-named…
Gerard: OH MY GAWD IT'S VOLDEMORT HOLY JESUS OF SUBURBIA
Jimmy: *facepalm* NO! Other He-who-shall-not-be-named. *eyes narrow* BOND.
*scene switches to hotel room in Murder City*
Johnny: *sitting on bed, playing guitar* So tell me wheee-eeee-eeen it's time to say…
Whatsername: *snores*
Johnny: Ahem. To say….
Whatsername: *snores*
Johnny: TOSAYILOVEYOU *nudges Whatsername to roll over*
Whatsername: Whah? Huh?
Johnny: ….I love Youtube?
Whatsername: *unintelligible manatee noises* *grunts* *snores*
Johnny : Whew. That was a close one. *secret agent watch beeps* Ugh. Not right now! *opens cameo slot on watch* What's the sitch?
Will: Wrong secret agent.
Johnny: Well ex-cah-yoos me. What could you possibly need at this hour? I have better things to be doing…
Tunny: Like pulling a knife on Whatsername?
Johnny: Shut up about that. I was high. Jeez.
Tunny: Whatever. Jimmy's gonna try and kill you again.
Will *nodding*
Johnny: Well if this goes over like the last nineteen times, I'll be back here with… what's her name again?... by tomorrow morning.
Tunny: God, Johnny, you're such a womanizer.
Johnny: *nods enthusiastically*
Will: Meet us in the bar on Adeline Street and we'll discuss tactics.
Johnny: I'll be there. Just let me put on some pants. *quietly puts on pants*
Whatsername: *rolls over* Babe? Where are you going?
Johnny: Oh, you know. Just meeting up with the usual suspects.
Whatsername: A'ight, whatever.
*back at SPECTRE headquaerters*
Jimmy: So. Any suggestions for evil plots in which to trap our dear friend Bond this time?
Theo: OOH ME ME ME PICK ME I HAVE ONE
Jimmy: Miguel?
Theo *dejected puppy-dog eyes*
Miguel: We could tie him to Whatsername and slowly lower them into a pool of radioactive cuttlefish…
Jimmy: Miguel, that was last week's plan. Gerard, any ideas?
Theo: *pouts*
Gerard: We could….
Theo: ME ME ME PICK MEEEEE *waves hand around in air*
Gerard: Uh…. We could…
Jimmy: Gerard, are you high?
Gerard: Uh…. Wait what? Oh yeah. I like pina coladas!
Jimmy: *facepalms*
Theo: OOH MEE JIMMY SAINT MAN I HAVE AN IDEA
Jimmy: *rolls eyes* Yes, Theo?
Theo: WE COULD SET HIM UP IN A DEAD END JOB AT THE WAREHOUSE ON EAST TWELFTH STREET WHERE HE WILL DIE A SLOE AND PAINFUL DEATH FILING PAPERWORK!
Jimmy: That already happens at the end of the story, Theo.
Theo: Oh.
*conferencing fades to a murmur as the scene fades out*
Johnny: *walks into Adeline Street Bar* Hey guys! Hey ladies.
Will: *waves*
Heather: *nods*
Tunny: *salutes*
EG: YOU SMELL LIKE SOAP!
Johnny: Uh…
Tunny: Sorry. She doesn't operate well at this hour.
Johnny: So, you called me here because….
Will: We'll discuss that later. *sits down on barstool*
Others: *follow suit*
Bartender: So, fellas, what'll it be?
Will: HOLY WATER, MAN.
EG: Milk!
Heather: Uh, just water for me.
Will: But Heather! You ALWAYS drink beer!
Heather: Well, uh… WILL THERE' oh no i've run out of linesOKAYBYE
Will: !
Heather: *runs out of bar*
Bartender: Ma'am? Your water?
Wil: *facebar*
Tunny: I'll take a Budweiser.
Bartender: And for you, 007—I mean…Johnny?
Johnny: Whoa. Do I… um… know you?
Bartender: What'll it be, my boy?
Johnny: I'll take a martini. Shaken, not stirred.
Tunny: Whoa, man, when did you get so classy?
Johnny: *hits Tunny on the back of the head*
Bartender: *mixes drink before quickly retreating back into room labeled Employees Only*
Johnny: Did that guy seem weird to you? Like maybe he was working for SPECTRE or something?
Will: Him? Nah. He seemed nice enough. But that's what we're here to talk to you about today. SPECTRE's got some new plans to, like, kill you or whatever.
*cuts to back room of bar*
Gerard, Miguel, and Jimmy: *giggling, making evil hand gestures*
Theo: *Walks in*
Jimmy: So, Theo, did you execute the plan?
Theo: You bet, Boss!
*cuts back out to bar*
Tunny: So, as I was saying, you need to watch your back for undercover SPECTRE minion dudes.
Johnny: Mmhmm. Got it. *takes sip of martini*
EG: Teehee… I like puppies… HEY MR DR PROFESSOR BARTENDER MAN, CAN I HAVE SOME CRAYONS?
Johnny: Hey, does this martini taste like formaldehyde to you?
Will: Hmm, let me see.
Johnny: I CAN TOUCH THE COLORS! *passes out*
Tunny: You probably shouldn't drink any of that.
EG: *calls ambulance on pink, bedazzled cell phone*
*back in back room of bar*
Jimmy, Theo, and Disciples: *still giggling*
*at hospital*
Johnny: *sits up in hospital bed* DREAMING, I WAS ONLY DREAMING…
Tunny: HEY MAN THAT'S MY SONG
Johnny: *begins to levitate* OF ANOTHER PLACE AND TIME…
EG: *sticks head into hospital room* OOH! This is my scene!
Johnny and EG: *perform aerial ballet*
Tunny: HEY. STOPIT. MY GIRLFRIEND. MY AERIAL BALLET.
Johnny: SHE'S AN EXTRAORDINARY GIRL…
Theo: *pops out of hospital room TV*
Will: Whoa! How does he do that… popping thing?
Theo: *visibly confused* The fuck? WHY AREN'T YOU DEAD?
Johnny: BECAUSE I'M 007
Theo: *runs away*
Will: RUN AWAYYYYY
Tunny: FROM THE RIVER TO THE STREET…
Hospital Nurse: Will, you're… uh… needed in the maternity ward.
Will: Oh joy. Bundles of freakin' joy.
Johnny and EG: *continue aerial ballet*
*in maternity ward*
Heather: HEY YOU WILL. GUESS WHAT. YOU SUCK. NOBODY LIKES YOU, EVE-
Will: Everyone left me, they're all without me, having fun. Yeah, yeah.
Heather: GOD BLESS YOUR FUCKING PAST AND TO-
Will: Hell with my glory? Mmhmm.
*at SPECTRE headquarters*
Jimmy: So, Theo, was your mission successful?
Theo: Well…
Gerard: JIMMY BOSS MAN! MIGUEL POKED ME!
Jimmy: THEO. DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT KILL 007?
Theo: Eh… Erm… Well….. UMLIKENOSORRYMAN
Jimmy: *hits massive EJECT button*
Theo:
FIN!
Well, that was… um… special. Hope you enjoyed and please please review! -Addsername