"I need you to be really sure you're in love with me and not who you want me to be."
There's a breaking point, when you realize that what you want is different than what you have. It's confusing at first and can make you feel terribly guilty for leading the person on for so long; you weren't playing a game with them, you were playing a game with yourself.
They were the safe option, not the option that you craved.
It's take a while to realize that nagging feeling absolutely needs to be attended to and not ignored as you usually go about it. You're slowly feeling suffocated by a feeling that can't be defined but simply won't just go away.
When she brings it to the forefront, you know that you can't lie to her or yourself anymore. She's not the one you want, as much as you do care for her and always have. But it's not about caring; it's about falling in love.
The saying 'you can't help or predict who you fall for' couldn't be more correct in this situation. It hits you smack dab in the face one day during sound check when he turns around and smiles at you. Something in you changes and you know that you can never go back.
There's no more time for lies, to yourself and he. The fact is that it needs to end for both your sanities. Sure, management will have a hay day but they will just have to deal with it. There's no point in risking losing her completely just because you are contractually obligated to be dating someone.
You have the conversation a week after she confronted you. She has no tears in her eyes when you explain to her what has happened. It's not her fault and she says that it's not your fault either.
Nobody can define how things happen so there is no sense dwelling on the idea of 'fate vs. free will'. Controlling and hiding your feelings would just completely destroy you, and she understands that.
She kisses you on the cheek and wishes you good luck with your endeavor. You have taken the first step but you don't know if you have the capacity to take another.
Fear clutches at your throat the next time you see him, muffling the confession that you so desperately want to make. He flashes you a smile, asking what's wrong and you shrug in nonchalance. He doesn't need to get wrapped up in this as much as you instincts tell you that he needs to know.
You decide that he doesn't see you the way that you see him. It rips you apart but you act as if nothing is wrong when nothing will ever be right between you again. It's selfish to think that he would just simply want you back; it's completely delusional, in fact.
The impending confrontation begins to make your conversations awkward. Everything feels fake between you now because you're hiding in such plain sight. He can see through your mask but he's too respectful of your privacy to implore any further.
She calls to check up on you, she asks if you've talked to him yet. You tell her no and just want to hang up, consumed with the guilt that litters your tarnished relationship. She advises you that he deserves the honesty and is probably consumed with confusion, as much as you are consumed with hesitation and self-deprecating thoughts.
There's a numbness that overcomes you for a while as you ignore her advice. He continues to check up on you and each time, you become a bit more distant. You don't want him to hurt as much as you do. You don't want to ruin anything else.
But then one day, it just gets too much. You break down and close out the world completely. Multiple try to breach the wall you have built around you but you keep them shut out.
Until he breaks down the walls.
The walls come crashing down and you're crying in his arms. He cradles you, still unaware of the fact that your turmoil is being caused by his own hand. It's not his fault and it's not your fault. It just …. Is.
Spiraling down into darkness, he extends an arm to you and for a moment, you think of continuing to fall freely without his intervention. But, he persists and you can't resist his offer any longer.
You collect yourself and slowly regain the façade. He makes it very clear he can see right through it, demanding what is wrong. You bite your tongue until an iron taste fills your mouth.
The thought of rejection is so disgustingly terrifying to you that you think of fleeing. Abandoning the confrontation would be the safest option but when you look in his questioning eyes, you know you can't bear to lie any longer.
You can't answer in words, so you show him.
The word 'Unless' sits boldly in your mind as you tie yourself down to the train tracks. It's not longer about regret; it's about you taking action in the moment. You have to live in the present or later look back on the memory in complete disdain. It's time to let go of pretenses, and expect the unexpected.
He's frozen at first, most likely blindsided by your bold action. You panic and back away, pupils wide with fear as you search his eyes for the answer. Heart beats pound in your ears as the moment drags on, waiting for his reaction.
The most wonderful moment is when he finally does. He smirks but with that small gesture, your heart soars. It might not be a distinct response, but it's better than what you could ever have anticipated.
Every last doubt you ever experienced is concretely dispelled as he leans back in to kiss you once again. There's no more hiding, only loud expressions of what you have kept inside for what could have been forever.
He's what you want and there's no part of you questions that.