TRIGGER WARNING.
I cannot stress that enough. Self-harm IS involved and I don't want to push anyone over the edge. As someone with firsthand experience on the subject, I will be describing it how I feel is accurate and appropriate.
Obligatory disclaimer, I don't own Glee, yadayadayada.
Part 1
He knew it was cliché to say cutting was the only thing that made him feel better, but it was true. Blaine Anderson had been self-harming on and off since he was 14, for multiple reasons. The bullies, his parents, and stress all contributed to his harmful behaviors.
He wasn't suicidal. He didn't want to die, necessarily. He could go months on end without picking up a razor blade or lighter. Sure, he thought about it every day, but he distracted himself with other things, like boxing or glee club or being with Kurt or his other friends.
Sometimes, however, he really needed to.
One of those times came in December of his junior year. There had been a blizzard, knocking out power lines all over Westerville and Lima. McKinley had cancelled classes for three days, leaving Blaine at home with his parents.
Of course it only took about 17 minutes for the three of them to start shouting at each other.
The fight went on for nearly two hours. Back and forth, about Blaine's future. God, he hated thinking about the future because he knew what he wanted and at the same time didn't know what he wanted.
He wanted Kurt to be there and involved in his life always. He wanted to maybe be a musician, teacher, or possibly even a lawyer. He didn't however want to be a doctor. He believed doctors did great work-just not great work he would ever contribute to. He also did not like the idea of being a banker, which was his father's next choice for him. Blaine was uncomfortable about money. He had been incredibly wealthy his whole life, and had always gotten whatever he needed or wanted. At Dalton it was easier to be at terms with, many boys there came from money. At McKinley, though, many families were middle or lower class. It was especially hard to see one of his best friends, Sam, struggle with being homeless when Blaine had so much to give. He had offered Sam money, but the boy was too proud to take it.
So they argued and they argued. Blaine's father asked when he was going to get over this phase he was in, to which Blaine had asked, what phase?
The-being-in-a-relationship-with-a-boy phase.
That one.
That was the final straw for Blaine, who ran up to his room and slammed the door. He called Cooper, he didn't pick up. Figures, when he needed him he was never around. He called Kurt next, but it went straight to voicemail. Sadly, even with their family's generator, his boyfriend was having trouble keeping his phone charged.
Blaine went to his bathroom to splash cold water on his face to calm down, but something caught his eye. A package of razorblades his mother had picked up at the store for him.
It had been awhile since he had done the bad thing.
Kurt didn't know about Blaine's habit. Nobody did, except for Wes, David, Jeff, and Nick, and they were sworn to secrecy. Blaine was pretty sure Cooper had guessed a few years ago what was going on, but he hadn't said anything. If Blaine cut his wrists, which he did not, Kurt would have seen by now. But Blaine wanted to keep this a secret, so he had always cut the top of his arms. Even if he was wearing a t-shirt, the horizontal scars couldn't be seen, and when he and Kurt were together and unclothed, he was very careful about the angles at which he let his boyfriend see him.
He wasn't sure how he ended up with one of the blades in his hand, but he did. He locked the door and pulled his sweatshirt over his head, throwing it carelessly on the floor. He leaned in close to the mirror, examining his face. Pale and sweaty, a dead look in his usually bright, hazel eyes.
He shouldn't have but he did. He did and it worked.
When he was finished, he pressed a washcloth to his upper left arm and climbed into the shower. He went into a trance, forgetting where he was or what he was supposed to be doing it, and did not come back to reality until his mother banged on the bathroom door.
"Blaine! Get out of the shower, you're using all the hot water!" He jerked his head up and automatically turned the faucet so the stream of water stopped coming. The wash cloth had fallen off, and red swirled with the shampoo at the bottom of the drain.
"Sorry mom! I'll be done in a second, I swear." He shouted back. He swore he heard her mumble something before her footsteps faded away, but he couldn't be sure. He rinsed the tub out, bandaged his arm with gauze from the first aid kit he kept in the medicine cabinet, and left the bathroom wrapped in a towel.
Turning up the radio, he pulled on a pair of flannel pajama pants, his old Dalton hoodie, and his glasses because he didn't feel like putting his contacts back in. He grabbed his phone and flopped back on his bed, flinching slightly as he landed on his "sore" arm. The inbox showed two texts- One from Cooper and one from Kurt. He sucked in a breath and read Cooper's first.
Sorry, baby brother. I was shooting a new commercial ;) Soon it'll be movies. Anyway, what's up?
Blaine sighed. It wouldn't have been hard to have just sent "Sorry, I was busy, what do you need?" but of course Cooper had to give him details on his actor lifestyle. He quickly responded that he was fine and just bored. Then he read Kurt's.
Hey, Blaine(: I was watching a movie, thank god for the generator. Even though Finn didn't stop talking through the whole thing...Did you need me?
Kurt's text made him smile. Even at his worst, Kurt never failed to make him feel even the tiniest bit better…even if it was too late.