The Stormtrooper Chronicles
Hello, this is a comedy based on the lives of Stormtrooper's throughout the Original Trilogy. We all know these characters, but there are very few Fanfics about them. So, I present to you The Stormtrooper Chronicles (Please Review, thank-you)
The author does not own Star Wars or anything in it, and if someone who does decides that this shouldn't be up and tells me, I would be happy to oblige.
"This sucks, we're posted on Tatooine to "Look for some plans" I mean, come on what plans? How are we even supposed to know what the plans are we're searching for? And Then some random ship blasts off from a hangar bay, killing everyone else, and We're supposed to find these plans on our own?" Said one of the Sandtroopers, staring at his commanding officer, it was not the first time he had brought this point up.
"yeah, tell me about it, I'm supposed to be on the fast-track to being an officer, and how am I supposed to get that promotion if I'm stuck here, searching for plans that have probably already Left the planet?" the other said, wiping a bit of dust that had caught on his visor. It was then that he noticed the shiningly-white figure approaching them.
The flight to Mos Eisley had taken hours, and finally he had left the cargo ship, walking past the thousands of legal and not-so-legal residents that crowded round the spaceports at midday, he wondered if he could get a snack and a drink from one of the many famous (More like infamous, he thought) cantinas that were scattered around. It was thinking this, that the Shistavanen mercenary almost walked into a patrol of Sandtroopers, he dove behind a nearby crate, wondering if they had pursued him from Naboo, or wherever else he had recently had some less-than-legal dealings.
"Hey, you in the white armour!" one of them called, a sergeant by the colour of his shoulder-pad
"Yeah?" replied the quickly approaching Sandy, as local slang had them.
"You the new Rookie?" The reply came back, all of the Sandtroopers were standing together now.
"How'd you know?" said the rookie, as he had been called.
"Hmmm... lesse, your blaster is a non-modified E-11, you are wearing brand new armour which has barely touched any sand, but most of all, I think the big "ROOKIE" emblazoned on the chest piece of your armour gave me a small hint" replied the Sergeant
"Oh, right, when you put it that way, it does seem pretty obvious" Rookie said, the Shistavanen wondered about leaving his small hiding place, it did after all smell of Nerf errrrmmmm... Mess.
"Got anything to do 'round here? Any criminal's to arrest?" said the Rookie, eager to get started.
"Look, Rookie, if you were to start arresting criminals in Mos Eisley, you had better have more than just three officers who only have a pair of 'cuffs each" The sergeant said.
"Well maybe if we had a forth pair and lured one of these luscious twi'lek's over..." the corporal said.
"Samson NO! We are not having another incident like that again. Ever." The Sergeant said.
"Why not?" Samson, the newly identified corporal said.
"Because it's not funny having to deal with a requisition form that says: "Reason for extra supplies: To handcuff a Twi'lek to a bed and..."" The sergeant shot back.
"Oh, yeah, would you believe me if I said somebody else did it?" Samson enquired
"WHO ELSE COULD HAVE DONE IT!? WE'RE THE ONLY SANDTROOPERS OUT HERE!" the sergeant yelled at his subordinate.
"Ohhh... yeah" Samson said, putting a pen that had miraculously appeared in his hand away.
"Ummm... isn't anyone going to ask me my name?" the Rookie asked
"Shut up Rookie, we don't want to know, you'll be dead in a few days and it would just be a useless piece of information" said the sergeant
"then what would my tombstone read?" Rookie enquired of the two older troopers
"Oh, I don't know, maybe "Here lies an idiot"?, that's pretty catchy" Samson said
"I love it! We'll use that" Sergeant said
"Well can you tell me your names then?" the Rookie said
"I'm Sanders, this here is Samson" said the Sergeant, indicating himself and his corporal
"Ok then, I'm Private Kimmy Redshirt" said the Rookie
"Wait... you're a GIRL!?" Sanders yelled
"No wonder she didn't want to take part in that Twi'lek thing" Samson said
"Shut up Samson" Sanders said
"Yeah, can't you tell by my voice?" Kimmy said
"Dude, we're speaking through Helmets and Radios our voices sound a lot alike." Samson said
"What's wrong with me being a girl?" Kimmy asked
"Huh? Oh nothing, I just didn't realise they were still recruiting girls, I thought they stopped that after that crazy assistant to Palpatine gave that "Girls make worse troopers then men" speech, it had stopped" Sanders said
"Oh, yeah, well, I was held back in the academy" Kimmy said
"WHY!?" Sanders asked, afraid of what the answer might be.
"Well, I was in the first "Fight the trainer" thing, and I didn't realise that you're not supposed to win it, plus, that sexist idiot was assassinated in an incident involving a Hot Poker, a latrine, two barrels of hot wax and some torture implements." Kimmy explained simply.
"Kinky" Samson said
"Samson, shut up." Sanders ordered.
"So now what?" Samson enquired,
"I dunno, let's hit the tavern's or something" Sanders replied
How am I going to escape? The Shistavanen wondered, the Sandtroopers were slowly heading closer to his position
Suddenly, a nearby building exploded in a spectacular, well... explosion.
"WHAT THE F#K WAS THAT!?" Sanders yelled over the roaring and screaming of pedestrians
"Calm down, it was probably jus-" Even though Samson was barely heard over the din, he stopped at the sight of seven baster bolts flying through the air towards them. All three Sandtroopers drew their weapons, and started pumping lasers into the general direction of the explosion.
The Shistavanen left and went to a Mos Eisley docking bay
"Hey Wolfey, ya ready to go?" said the captain of the ship, entitled the Gold Wolf, that was in the hangar bay
"Dude, you will not BElLIEVE what just happened!" Wolfey, the now-identified Shistavanen said.
So, what did you think? Please review, thank-you.