Running Through the Garden-
Part 1: These Days
"You love to disappoint and hurt me don't you?" "No Mom.I didn't mean to.I swear..." "You are ashamed of me, I can see it in your eyes Olivia.how can you bare to bring your friends around and risk having them find out that I was raped and that's why I had you!" "Mom! No! It's not like that!" "That's why you never come home anymore.leaving me here alone...16 years Olivia.I have had to deal with this.every time I look at you." "Mom just please put down the bottle.it's going to be okay." "That's what they told me when I found out I was pregnant with you.I should have gotten rid of you when I had the chance." "Mom please.I'm so sorry.please no.I love you mom.please stop!"
Olivia woke up frantic and covered in sweat. She looked over at the clock...3:30am. "God I wish these nightmares would stop." Olivia thought as she rolled out of bed. She walked into the bathroom and turned on the light. Staring into the mirror, she saw herself not as Olivia Benson the woman she had become but as Olivia Benson the painful reminder of her mother's rape. All her life this tore at her and ripped her apart on the inside. To know that her existence caused her mother to drink and caused her mother to be in so much pain, were things Olivia couldn't bare. She often tried to suppress the emotions but times like these it is very difficult. In two days, it would be the 3 year anniversary of her mother's death. Some ways it was a relief to know her mother wasn't suffering, but she loved and missed her mother very much. Constantly in conflict with her emotions, Olivia often wondered how long she could take it. Her life seemed like a contradiction, a product of rape but she is the one who tries to stop rape. "What is the fucking point.?" She let out a deep sigh and headed to the kitchen.
She reached into her cabinet and pulled out a bottle of rum, her life long friend Kath had brought back for her from the Bahamas. "Some times I guess it pays to have an anthropologist as a friend.they always seem to know how to smother the pain with alcohol." Olivia smiled. She poured herself a glass but decided to take the whole bottle instead. She knew this was wrong and the drinking would not solve anything. It never helped her mother but she needed a quick release.
She sat down on the couch and took a sip. "Ugh.how do the anthropologists do this.oh well." She reached down and grabbed a photograph off her coffee table. She couldn't control herself any longer. She began to cry. "Mom, I'm so sorry.I didn't want to hurt you.I wish I could have been a better daughter.or better yet not even exist.so you didn't have to hurt." Olivia cried harder. She needed a friend; she grabbed the phone and dialed the first number that came to mind."
".Stabler." Elliot yawned.
"Oh god.El.I'm sorry.I didn't mean." Liv said through her tears and the alcohol.
"Liv? What's wrong? You're crying.I'm coming over! I will be there in 20 minutes.hang on!"
Click.
"DAMNIT!" Olivia screamed. Now Elliot was coming over and he will see her in this fucked up state. Olivia often prided herself as being a pillar of strength in front of John, Fin, and especially Elliot. She never wanted to seem weak. Being the only woman on the SVU team at the 1-6, she felt that she had to be like the guys in order to hang with the guys. She drank more.
Twenty minutes later, Elliot knocked at the door. "Liv, please answer it's me. Open up!" Olivia, drunk, with red and water eyes opened the door. "El.I'm really sorry.I.it was an accident that I dialed your number."
He grabbed her hand and led her to the couch. "Shh.I don't care.you're not okay and you need me. Now what's wrong?"
"Nightmares."
Looking at near empty bottle on the table, "What kind of nightmares and how much did you have to drink?"
"Nightmares.well they are flashbacks to when I was a kid.my mom." she said softly, as she clutched Elliot's arm. "She would get drunk and tell me how much I hurt her and how I always reminded her of the horrible things that happened to her. She would always tell me when I would get angry that I was like him."
"Who?"
"My father.the man who raped my mother."
Elliot was worried. He had never seen his partner like this. Though he knew what was coming up in the next few days and he also knew Liv never talked about her painful childhood in great detail. She needed a release. He just wished she was sober, so she could really cope with this pain.
"I remember when I was five; my grandmother was over at our house. My mom told her she couldn't deal with having me around. Mom didn't know I was listening but I was. My grandmother offered to take me. Mom told her that she couldn't pass me off to her and cause more pain. She told my grandmother that she wished she had gotten rid of me.aborted me or gave me up for adoption. I ran to her crying, saying 'Mommy I love you.please don't send me away. I don't want to hurt you.' She hugged me and didn't say a word. Fuck! I was just the product of her rape.just a painful reminder. Do you know what that does to your mind? Huh?
Elliot looked into Olivia's pain soaked eyes, "No.I don't."
"It completely messes with your head. You question your existence every day, and why you were put on this earth only to cause someone to suffer. Your own mother who you love more than anything.and to know your father RAPED your own mother.oh god.I can't take this anymore." She sobbed.
Elliot pulled her into a deep embrace and she sobbed on her shoulders. "Look, Liv.I know you have been through hell and are hurting but you are here for a reason. You are here to correct the wrongs in the world. You put people like the man who hurt your mother in jail. You give people hope that they will be able to over come. You are here to be the beautiful and caring person you can be. Liv.you're my best friend in the whole world.I want you to know that I would be nothing without you."
It wasn't like Elliot to pour his emotions like that but he knew that she needed to know how much she is loved. He needed to let her know that not everything she does causes people pain.
"Please stay with me tonight, Elliot. I really need you right now." Her voice quivered.
"Anything for you." He smiled and kissed the top of her head.
Elliot held her as she fell asleep with her head on his chest. He sighed and thought, "It's going to be okay. You will get through this, Liv.I hope."
These Days- Part 2
Olivia woke up with a pounding headache and felt extremely sick to her stomach. "Ah, the joys of a hangover," she thought. Why did she have to drink so much last night? She then realized that she was in her bed, but she didn't remember making it there. Then she remembered she had called Elliot. He must have carried her here. "He is such a great guy," Olivia smiled.
She staggered out of bed and wandered into the living room only to find Elliot snoring on her couch. "Elliot? Are you awake?"
"Huh? Wha.oh! Hi Liv! How are you feeling? Do you need me to get you some water?" Elliot asked jumping off the couch.
"I physically feel like shit.but no one forced me to drink the rum last night.mentally.is another story all together.but.hey Stabler.like boxers! Spongebob Square Pants is really becoming on you."
Elliot looked down and realized his lack of pajamas and blushed. "Heh.it was the kids' idea for a silly father's day present. We need to talk about last night." His half hearted joking became much more serious.
"Look thanks for coming over last night and helping me out. You are a wonderful friend, I mean that very sincerely. But I don't want to talk about it."
"The nightmares aren't going to go away. Whatever is eating you on the inside is going to consume you.and.we can't lose you Liv."
"I've been dealing with this for a long time. Most nights they don't bother me.but last night did. I'm gonna be fine." She gave him a forced smile in hopes he would drop the issue.
Elliot knew she wasn't going to give on this issue; he had to make her talk. He just needed a better approach, he thought. "Okay, suit yourself. I'm here to listen when ever you want to talk. So how about I make you breakfast? Something greasy, like beacon, oozing with grease or how about some runny scrambled eggs?" Elliot grinned.
Olivia turned green. "Real funny.you know that, right?"
"Sure fire way to cure a hang over.that and some strong coffee."
"Mmm.yeah. Though, before I became a cop, my friends and I would usually work off the hangover. My friend, Kath was very good at that. She often joked about how when you become an anthropologist, you need to learn how to work drunk or learn to deal with the pain in the morning." Olivia chuckled, "She isn't wrapped too tight, but she has always been odd since childhood. Growing up with her as a friend was an experience. She is like if you and Munch were to ever have a child.that's how she is."
Elliot watched Olivia become illuminated when talking about her friend. It was the happiest he had seen her in a long time.
"Munch and I huh? That is a scary thought. Where is she now? Is she still in the city?"
"No, she took a teaching and research job in Arizona. She was following a man she was madly in love with. He was married and they had been carrying on an affair since we were undergraduates. She knew it was wrong but couldn't give it up." Liv said walking to the bookshelf and grabbing a picture. "Here we are in our junior year of college at NYU. The four of us here in this picture all grew up in the same neighborhood. The oddest thing is that we all came from broken homes of sorts. Kath lost her father when she was 11 to cancer caused by when he was in the military and her and her mom struggled through poverty. Greg, his father pimped out his mother for drug money. Kylene.she was molested and raped by her babysitter as a child, and never could muster the strength to press charges. Mike.his mother ran off with some man, leaving Mike to tend to his three siblings while his father struggled with severe depression and ended up committing suicide. And well.you know my story. We all bonded and became friends and family. We practically lived at Kath's house. Her mom was great. I spent most of my teenage years there when things between my mom and I got bad." Olivia said with nostalgia and sadness her in voice.
She sat on the couch and Elliot came over and sat beside her, studying her face trying to feed off her emotions. "We made life bearable for each other, Elliot. We were all so fucked up in the head, and we drew strength from each other for survival. But after college, we all took different paths and hardly see each other." She frowned and let out a soft sigh. Elliot reached out and touched her hand. She responded by grabbing it and squeezing it tightly.
"I'm there for you when ever you need me, Liv just like you were there for me, and Kathy and I got divorced. I wish that I could take your pain away. Last night you scared me. I had never seen you like that. You need to let the emotion out. Don't pen it up inside, you will break."
Olivia turned her head so her eyes met his. His eyes were full of a deep sense of worry and concern. Olivia could see tears build up in his eyes. "I'm really sorry I scared you. I usually have control over my emotions, but last night they got the best of me. After what we see every day, you know how it gnaws at you, no matter how much you try not to let it eat at you. But our last case, you know the college girl who was raped and became pregnant.it was almost identical to my mother's case. It hit a little too close to home, ya know. I was fearful for the child who was going to be brought into this world. I thought would she have to go through what I did. I couldn't let it drop, and then the nightmares started again. And plus.Wednesday." She held his hand tighter.
"I understand. It will be all right. I promise and you know I always keep my word." Elliot smiled as he leaned in to hug her. He held her in a deep embrace and then they caught the gaze of each other's eyes, and he leaned in and gently kissed her on her lips.
Part 3:
Elliot pulled away, and gazed into her eyes. He was wondering what she was feeling and what she was thinking. Olivia's head was pounding not just with her blinding hangover headache but with thoughts that had permanently resided in her mind since the first day she met him. She had fought these feelings for 6 years but today she couldn't fight them any longer. Fighting through the migraine and the upset stomach, Olivia gave way to temptation and leaned in and returned Elliot's gentle and innocent kiss. Her lips met his as she wrapped her arms around his waist. She pulled him closer to her, so she could finally feel his strong muscular body in her arms. She could only dream about this but now it was becoming a reality.
Elliot's tongue made its way into Olivia's mouth, tasting the bitter remments of her drinking binge but it didn't matter to him as long as it was Olivia. He began to run his hands up her back, feeling every inch of her spine. He could feel her shudder at his touch as she let out a soft low moan into his mouth. He slowly pulled away from her mouth, he gently sucked on her bottom lip. He then moved his mouth to her right shoulder, kissing and tasting her ever so slowly. "Oh god Liv." He sighed.
Her breathing became deeper and staggered. She could feel her body temperature rise every time he touched a part of her body. She could feel his hands find their way under her shirt. She closed her eyes and tilted her head back as Elliot began to massage one of her breasts. Olivia wanted to lose herself in the pleasure. It had been so long since someone had made her feel this good.
Without thinking, she removed her shirt, exposing herself to him. His eyes grew big with anticipation and pure desire. He wanted her so badly. He leaned in again and began sucking on one of her hard nipples. Her body was trembling at his touch.
Slowly pulling away, "You like that, baby?" Elliot said in a low seductive growl.
"Mmm.very much." Olivia grinned. She reached up and placed her hands on his shoulders, and she pushed him on his back. She leaned over him and kissed her way up his body to his neck. She repositioned herself so she was straddling him; she could feel how turned on he was. He was very hard, and his eyes were full of lust. She could tell he wanted her as much as she wanted him. She grinded her body against his, wanting him inside her.
"You like that Stabler?"
He was putty in her hands at this point. He reached for her waist so he could remove her pajama pants. Just as Olivia was about to help him with this task..
BEEP.BEEP..BEEP..
"Fucking hell!" Elliot barked.
"What is that?" Olivia questioned as she looked around the living room.
"That's my alarm on my cell phone.it means we got an hour before we have to be to work."
"Oh shit!" Olivia let out grabbing for her shirt and quickly putting it on.
Quickly they scurried around Olivia's apartment as they tried to get ready for work. It seemed that they were both able to shower and dress in record time. Rushing to the door, Elliot grabbed her hand, "I'll drive us."
"But people might suspect something." Olivia said with a strong sense of panic in her voice.
"Suspect what? Nothing happened right?" Elliot said with a straight face.
"Okay.right." Olivia's heart dropped what felt like 12 feet.
The car ride to the precinct seemed like an eternity. Olivia gazed aimlessly out the window lost in thought, confused about what had taken place in her apartment a short time ago. Did his comment about nothing happen mean he didn't feel anything for her except lust? Or was he just trying to reassure her that no one was going to suspect anything at work when they arrived together. A million thoughts raced through her mind. She shook her head to make them stop, then she remembered that she was still hung over and everything began to spin. She closed her eyes and opened then again. She was snapped back into reality by Elliot calling her name.
"Hey Liv! Liv.you okay? Liv?"
"Huh? What.oh.yeah.I'm fine.it's just the hangover." She smiled.
"Okay because we're here.with 5 minutes to spare.how's that for timing! We make a good team, eh Benson?"
"Yeah we do."
The two partners swiftly made their way into the office without anyone noticing (or so they thought) and sat down at their desks. They began to settle into their work without missing a beat.
"You guys alright?" Detective John Munch asked peering over from his desk with one eyebrow raised.
"Fine John.why do you ask? Elliot replied calmly.
"Because the two of you rush in here at 8am on the dot.not like you guys.usually Benson is here at 7:30 and you're here at 7:45. It just seems a little strange."
"Elliot gave me a ride to work.we got stuck in traffic.what is so strange about that!" Olivia snapped back.
Munch just smiled at his two co-workers. John knew probably what the whole world saw and that was Elliot Stabler and Olivia Benson belong together. As much as they try to hide or deny their feelings for each other, they were sole mates, in Munch's eyes. He wondered what it would take for them to realize it.
The day went by slowly. No calls to people in need, no new cases today; as much as everyone hated the paperwork side of the job, it also meant there was a chance that no one in New York City was being hurt. A slim chance but it gave them hope. Olivia found herself looking up from her desk, staring at Elliot. He was so handsome, she thought, and I almost had him this morning.damnit!" She gazed back down to her desk to return to her work, when she heard a familiar voice.
"Do you know where I could find Detective Olivia Benson?" a woman asked.
"Yeah, she is right over there."
"Thanks." The woman responded as she made her way over to Benson's desk. "Benson, get your nose out of the damn paper work and take me to lunch." The woman grinned.
Olivia looked up and saw her long time friend, Kath standing beside her desk. "Oh my god! What are you doing here?" Olivia laughed, as she jumped up to give her friend a hug.
"Waiting for you to take me to lunch! Naw.just kidding.I'm back in New York for good now and thought I'd come and find you. It's noon, and I know you forget to eat so I've come to remind you." Kath grinned.
"Sure! Lunch is definitely a good idea. First let me introduce you to my friends here."
"No.let me guess who they are. The tall gentleman with the glasses.you must be John Munch." Munch replied with a smile and a nod of his head.
"And sitting across from him is his partner Fin." Fin responded also with a head nod.
"Finally, sitting across from Liv, is her partner, Elliot Stabler." Elliot stood up and shook her hand. "Pleasure to meet you all! Olivia has told me a lot about you three. Though there is someone missing.your captain.Don Cragen."
"What about me?" Cragen made his way out of his office to see his detectives gathered around a short woman with a pierced eyebrow.
"Captain.guys.this is my friend Kath.she has just moved back to the city and has stopped in to say hello."
"Oh.I just get a little suspicious when I hear my name being tossed around. It is nice to meet you." Don flashed a rare smile.
"Same to you Captain. Come on Liv, let's go! You fellas are more than welcome to come!" Kath said.
"I think we should pass.give you guys time to catch up," Elliot answered, "Though it was nice of you to ask."
"Okay.how about we all get together some time this week. I am eager to get to know of you."
"I don't know why you would want to do that. John's a pretty scary guy." Fin chuckled.
"Well.from what I have been told.you guys are pretty cool. Plus.I am playing a gig on Thursday and in need of people to come," Kath gave a broad grin, "I am trying to buy friends here." The SVU guys let out a few laughs and agreed to her request. Fin and Elliot thought Kath seemed like a sincere person who would make a good friend, and plus they felt like they owed it to Liv. For John though, when she walked into the room, he felt something he hadn't felt in a long time. He needed to get to know her better.
Walking out of the station house, Kath turned to Liv, "So where should we go and eat?"
"Well there is a bar a few blocks away that serves good food."
"How's the beer?"
Olivia groaned.
"What? You don't drink anymore? I mean I understand why but." Kath looked puzzled.
"I still drink.in fact I drank too much last night."
"Bad night, huh?
"Yeah.I don't know how the hell we did it back then?"
"It's easy to get lost in a bottle at times...the trick is as we know is when to pull away."
"Uh huh." Trying to avoid bringing up depressing issues, Olivia changed the subject, "So you got a gig here in town and are moving back?"
"Yeah.it gets better! I got a full time research and teaching job at NYU. I get to bring my research funds back home. I can still work up in northern Arizona and in the Bahamas, but with more money!" Kath said proudly.
"That's awesome! Oh look here we are!" Olivia said as they made their way into the bar. They found a nice table by the window and Olivia looked at her friend. She could read her and sensed there was something else that brought her back home. "Kath, tell me the real reason you came back home."
"The truth?"
"Yes, the truth."
"You know me well, Benson." Kath's smile began to fade, "God.where to begin?"
"Is everything alright?" Olivia asked.
"Well.sorta.no.not really but they will be. Rich's wife found about the affair.she was.as expected not too happy with me or Rich."
"You knew it was only a matter of time though before she found out.it had been what.going on for seven years now. I know how you feel about him but it was wrong." Olivia looked at her friend and gave a worried look.
Kath let out a soft sigh and looked down at the table. "I know it was wrong from the beginning. I knew he was married seven years ago and I take full responsibility for this.but the story gets worse. One day, his wife cornered me in the hall of the library and said if I didn't leave Tucson and the University of Arizona, I would be paying for my sins for a long time to come."
"She threatened you! You could have her ass in jail for that." Olivia's tone became more defensive after hearing someone was threatening to hurt her friend.
"I know.but she has powerful connections, being a dean and all. So when it came time for my 2 year review, they told me I wasn't going to get tenure and I needed to leave the UofA as soon as possible. Even though, in the four years I was there I had a publication list that would make most professors heads spin. I was a successful teacher and researcher.Amy used her pull to do this to me.I know it." A tear streamed down Kath's cheek as she stared out the window.
"Sweetie.I'm so sorry.but look at the bright side you are back home! Things will be better than ever." Olivia smiled in hopes of cheering up her friend.
"Yeah that's true.but there is more."
"More? What could it possibly be?"
"I might be pregnant.I haven't told Rich yet. I'm just scared.I hate changes." "I'm gonna take a page out of your play book.remember all those times when I was scared and felt like my life was falling to shit.you told me everything will be okay.now this time is no different. I know your heart's broken but you will get through this. Everything works out for the best."
"Damnit Benson.stop stealing my lines.it's the only material I got." Kath smiled
"Good afternoon ladies, do you know what you want to eat?"
"Sure.I will take a bacon cheeseburger.medium rare please.the greasier the better and a side of fries..oh and a large glass of water." Olivia requested.
"And for you ma'am?"
"Uh.I'll take a bowl of chicken soup and a root beer."
"I'll have that right out for you."
"Liv? What's with the heart attack on a place?
"Hang over cure."
"Ah! Gotcha.so how has life been in New York? Tell me about your co- workers.they seem interesting."
"What life? I work so much a rarely go out. But work is work.ya know. Well the gang is definitely interesting. Cragen is the father figure in the office.he always makes sure that we are on track and knows when we are about to slip. He's a good man. I've spent many times getting the fatherly lectures from him. Now Fin.he is a sly guy.in a good way. Heart of gold and tough as nails.loves music.every now and then for fun we head out for drinks and dancing. Munch.ha! He is odd but I love him.he is the big brother.always with his crazy conspiracy theories.after tough cases we spend time up on the roof talking about life. He says I'm the little sister he never had but wished he did. And then there's Elliot." Olivia began to glow.
"You're in love!" Kath exclaimed.
"What with Elliot? No! I mean.he.he was married up until 3 months ago and he is still hurting over it.I can't love him.he's my partner." Olivia stumbled for words.
"Okay fool yourself.I watched how he looked at you and when you mentioned his name you blushed." Kath shook her head. "Remember we grew up together and were roommates in college.I know when you're smitten with a boy."
"Oh please.Elliot.he is special.true blue most sincere guy you will ever meet. I think he knows more about my emotions and how I act than anyone I know. He's one of my best friends."
"As well as he should be.you trust him with your life.he has to be your best friend. But just remember, that I have known you forever and I know your emotions as well.don't keep denying your feelings to yourself. You will be selling yourself short in the end.
Olivia and Kath chatted about life and the universe over lunch.catching up on life and reminiscing about the past. It made Olivia feel alittle better about her life again, but still she dreaded the next few days.
Leaving the bar, Kath turned to Olivia. "So I will let you get back to work.I got some more unpacking to do and need to meet up with the band for rehearsal.at least that is something Amy couldn't take away from me."
"Okay sounds like a plan.where are you guys playing again?"
"The Pier down in SoHo.nice roomy bar with a good sound system. You will be there right?"
"You know I will! It's a promise!"
"Cool.see you then!" Olivia nodded and started to walk away, when Kath called to her. "Hey Liv.I know what Wednesday is.do you want me to do anything?"
Olivia gave a small smile, "No.I got it covered.thanks though.and Kath."
"Yeah?"
"Welcome home!"
As Olivia walked back to the station house, she thought about Elliot and Kath's words. Elliot was Olivia's best friend over the past 5 years. He had seen her at her best and worst.he was the one man that had ever made her feel whole. Sure there had been other men but none like Elliot. She was in love once to a man twice her age, but it was more as an escape from the dark reality she was living in. He was her pathway into a fanstise world. Elliot was different. She admitted to herself that she had been pining for him all this time but did she love him? She was confused.
She thought about the events of this morning, and she felt embarrassed. Olivia wondered if Elliot thought less of her because she was close to giving it up so easily. Maybe he was just looking for sex, or maybe he cared for her deeper than she thought. Maybe she did love him.she didn't know what to feel anymore. Her heart was aching and her head was still pounding. Though one thing was decided, she needed to apologize for her actions.
Entering the squad room, Olivia returned to her desk and watched Elliot walking from by the coffee pot. "Hi Liv, how was lunch?"
"It was good.nice to see my old friend again.hey Elliot."
"Yeah?"
"About this morning." "Liv." He cut her off mid-sentence. "Don't worry about it.we got caught up in the heat of the moment. It's okay." He gave her a reassuring smile.
Olivia nodded and thought to herself, "what a day this has been.I hope the rest of the week turns out okay."
Part 1: These Days
"You love to disappoint and hurt me don't you?" "No Mom.I didn't mean to.I swear..." "You are ashamed of me, I can see it in your eyes Olivia.how can you bare to bring your friends around and risk having them find out that I was raped and that's why I had you!" "Mom! No! It's not like that!" "That's why you never come home anymore.leaving me here alone...16 years Olivia.I have had to deal with this.every time I look at you." "Mom just please put down the bottle.it's going to be okay." "That's what they told me when I found out I was pregnant with you.I should have gotten rid of you when I had the chance." "Mom please.I'm so sorry.please no.I love you mom.please stop!"
Olivia woke up frantic and covered in sweat. She looked over at the clock...3:30am. "God I wish these nightmares would stop." Olivia thought as she rolled out of bed. She walked into the bathroom and turned on the light. Staring into the mirror, she saw herself not as Olivia Benson the woman she had become but as Olivia Benson the painful reminder of her mother's rape. All her life this tore at her and ripped her apart on the inside. To know that her existence caused her mother to drink and caused her mother to be in so much pain, were things Olivia couldn't bare. She often tried to suppress the emotions but times like these it is very difficult. In two days, it would be the 3 year anniversary of her mother's death. Some ways it was a relief to know her mother wasn't suffering, but she loved and missed her mother very much. Constantly in conflict with her emotions, Olivia often wondered how long she could take it. Her life seemed like a contradiction, a product of rape but she is the one who tries to stop rape. "What is the fucking point.?" She let out a deep sigh and headed to the kitchen.
She reached into her cabinet and pulled out a bottle of rum, her life long friend Kath had brought back for her from the Bahamas. "Some times I guess it pays to have an anthropologist as a friend.they always seem to know how to smother the pain with alcohol." Olivia smiled. She poured herself a glass but decided to take the whole bottle instead. She knew this was wrong and the drinking would not solve anything. It never helped her mother but she needed a quick release.
She sat down on the couch and took a sip. "Ugh.how do the anthropologists do this.oh well." She reached down and grabbed a photograph off her coffee table. She couldn't control herself any longer. She began to cry. "Mom, I'm so sorry.I didn't want to hurt you.I wish I could have been a better daughter.or better yet not even exist.so you didn't have to hurt." Olivia cried harder. She needed a friend; she grabbed the phone and dialed the first number that came to mind."
".Stabler." Elliot yawned.
"Oh god.El.I'm sorry.I didn't mean." Liv said through her tears and the alcohol.
"Liv? What's wrong? You're crying.I'm coming over! I will be there in 20 minutes.hang on!"
Click.
"DAMNIT!" Olivia screamed. Now Elliot was coming over and he will see her in this fucked up state. Olivia often prided herself as being a pillar of strength in front of John, Fin, and especially Elliot. She never wanted to seem weak. Being the only woman on the SVU team at the 1-6, she felt that she had to be like the guys in order to hang with the guys. She drank more.
Twenty minutes later, Elliot knocked at the door. "Liv, please answer it's me. Open up!" Olivia, drunk, with red and water eyes opened the door. "El.I'm really sorry.I.it was an accident that I dialed your number."
He grabbed her hand and led her to the couch. "Shh.I don't care.you're not okay and you need me. Now what's wrong?"
"Nightmares."
Looking at near empty bottle on the table, "What kind of nightmares and how much did you have to drink?"
"Nightmares.well they are flashbacks to when I was a kid.my mom." she said softly, as she clutched Elliot's arm. "She would get drunk and tell me how much I hurt her and how I always reminded her of the horrible things that happened to her. She would always tell me when I would get angry that I was like him."
"Who?"
"My father.the man who raped my mother."
Elliot was worried. He had never seen his partner like this. Though he knew what was coming up in the next few days and he also knew Liv never talked about her painful childhood in great detail. She needed a release. He just wished she was sober, so she could really cope with this pain.
"I remember when I was five; my grandmother was over at our house. My mom told her she couldn't deal with having me around. Mom didn't know I was listening but I was. My grandmother offered to take me. Mom told her that she couldn't pass me off to her and cause more pain. She told my grandmother that she wished she had gotten rid of me.aborted me or gave me up for adoption. I ran to her crying, saying 'Mommy I love you.please don't send me away. I don't want to hurt you.' She hugged me and didn't say a word. Fuck! I was just the product of her rape.just a painful reminder. Do you know what that does to your mind? Huh?
Elliot looked into Olivia's pain soaked eyes, "No.I don't."
"It completely messes with your head. You question your existence every day, and why you were put on this earth only to cause someone to suffer. Your own mother who you love more than anything.and to know your father RAPED your own mother.oh god.I can't take this anymore." She sobbed.
Elliot pulled her into a deep embrace and she sobbed on her shoulders. "Look, Liv.I know you have been through hell and are hurting but you are here for a reason. You are here to correct the wrongs in the world. You put people like the man who hurt your mother in jail. You give people hope that they will be able to over come. You are here to be the beautiful and caring person you can be. Liv.you're my best friend in the whole world.I want you to know that I would be nothing without you."
It wasn't like Elliot to pour his emotions like that but he knew that she needed to know how much she is loved. He needed to let her know that not everything she does causes people pain.
"Please stay with me tonight, Elliot. I really need you right now." Her voice quivered.
"Anything for you." He smiled and kissed the top of her head.
Elliot held her as she fell asleep with her head on his chest. He sighed and thought, "It's going to be okay. You will get through this, Liv.I hope."
These Days- Part 2
Olivia woke up with a pounding headache and felt extremely sick to her stomach. "Ah, the joys of a hangover," she thought. Why did she have to drink so much last night? She then realized that she was in her bed, but she didn't remember making it there. Then she remembered she had called Elliot. He must have carried her here. "He is such a great guy," Olivia smiled.
She staggered out of bed and wandered into the living room only to find Elliot snoring on her couch. "Elliot? Are you awake?"
"Huh? Wha.oh! Hi Liv! How are you feeling? Do you need me to get you some water?" Elliot asked jumping off the couch.
"I physically feel like shit.but no one forced me to drink the rum last night.mentally.is another story all together.but.hey Stabler.like boxers! Spongebob Square Pants is really becoming on you."
Elliot looked down and realized his lack of pajamas and blushed. "Heh.it was the kids' idea for a silly father's day present. We need to talk about last night." His half hearted joking became much more serious.
"Look thanks for coming over last night and helping me out. You are a wonderful friend, I mean that very sincerely. But I don't want to talk about it."
"The nightmares aren't going to go away. Whatever is eating you on the inside is going to consume you.and.we can't lose you Liv."
"I've been dealing with this for a long time. Most nights they don't bother me.but last night did. I'm gonna be fine." She gave him a forced smile in hopes he would drop the issue.
Elliot knew she wasn't going to give on this issue; he had to make her talk. He just needed a better approach, he thought. "Okay, suit yourself. I'm here to listen when ever you want to talk. So how about I make you breakfast? Something greasy, like beacon, oozing with grease or how about some runny scrambled eggs?" Elliot grinned.
Olivia turned green. "Real funny.you know that, right?"
"Sure fire way to cure a hang over.that and some strong coffee."
"Mmm.yeah. Though, before I became a cop, my friends and I would usually work off the hangover. My friend, Kath was very good at that. She often joked about how when you become an anthropologist, you need to learn how to work drunk or learn to deal with the pain in the morning." Olivia chuckled, "She isn't wrapped too tight, but she has always been odd since childhood. Growing up with her as a friend was an experience. She is like if you and Munch were to ever have a child.that's how she is."
Elliot watched Olivia become illuminated when talking about her friend. It was the happiest he had seen her in a long time.
"Munch and I huh? That is a scary thought. Where is she now? Is she still in the city?"
"No, she took a teaching and research job in Arizona. She was following a man she was madly in love with. He was married and they had been carrying on an affair since we were undergraduates. She knew it was wrong but couldn't give it up." Liv said walking to the bookshelf and grabbing a picture. "Here we are in our junior year of college at NYU. The four of us here in this picture all grew up in the same neighborhood. The oddest thing is that we all came from broken homes of sorts. Kath lost her father when she was 11 to cancer caused by when he was in the military and her and her mom struggled through poverty. Greg, his father pimped out his mother for drug money. Kylene.she was molested and raped by her babysitter as a child, and never could muster the strength to press charges. Mike.his mother ran off with some man, leaving Mike to tend to his three siblings while his father struggled with severe depression and ended up committing suicide. And well.you know my story. We all bonded and became friends and family. We practically lived at Kath's house. Her mom was great. I spent most of my teenage years there when things between my mom and I got bad." Olivia said with nostalgia and sadness her in voice.
She sat on the couch and Elliot came over and sat beside her, studying her face trying to feed off her emotions. "We made life bearable for each other, Elliot. We were all so fucked up in the head, and we drew strength from each other for survival. But after college, we all took different paths and hardly see each other." She frowned and let out a soft sigh. Elliot reached out and touched her hand. She responded by grabbing it and squeezing it tightly.
"I'm there for you when ever you need me, Liv just like you were there for me, and Kathy and I got divorced. I wish that I could take your pain away. Last night you scared me. I had never seen you like that. You need to let the emotion out. Don't pen it up inside, you will break."
Olivia turned her head so her eyes met his. His eyes were full of a deep sense of worry and concern. Olivia could see tears build up in his eyes. "I'm really sorry I scared you. I usually have control over my emotions, but last night they got the best of me. After what we see every day, you know how it gnaws at you, no matter how much you try not to let it eat at you. But our last case, you know the college girl who was raped and became pregnant.it was almost identical to my mother's case. It hit a little too close to home, ya know. I was fearful for the child who was going to be brought into this world. I thought would she have to go through what I did. I couldn't let it drop, and then the nightmares started again. And plus.Wednesday." She held his hand tighter.
"I understand. It will be all right. I promise and you know I always keep my word." Elliot smiled as he leaned in to hug her. He held her in a deep embrace and then they caught the gaze of each other's eyes, and he leaned in and gently kissed her on her lips.
Part 3:
Elliot pulled away, and gazed into her eyes. He was wondering what she was feeling and what she was thinking. Olivia's head was pounding not just with her blinding hangover headache but with thoughts that had permanently resided in her mind since the first day she met him. She had fought these feelings for 6 years but today she couldn't fight them any longer. Fighting through the migraine and the upset stomach, Olivia gave way to temptation and leaned in and returned Elliot's gentle and innocent kiss. Her lips met his as she wrapped her arms around his waist. She pulled him closer to her, so she could finally feel his strong muscular body in her arms. She could only dream about this but now it was becoming a reality.
Elliot's tongue made its way into Olivia's mouth, tasting the bitter remments of her drinking binge but it didn't matter to him as long as it was Olivia. He began to run his hands up her back, feeling every inch of her spine. He could feel her shudder at his touch as she let out a soft low moan into his mouth. He slowly pulled away from her mouth, he gently sucked on her bottom lip. He then moved his mouth to her right shoulder, kissing and tasting her ever so slowly. "Oh god Liv." He sighed.
Her breathing became deeper and staggered. She could feel her body temperature rise every time he touched a part of her body. She could feel his hands find their way under her shirt. She closed her eyes and tilted her head back as Elliot began to massage one of her breasts. Olivia wanted to lose herself in the pleasure. It had been so long since someone had made her feel this good.
Without thinking, she removed her shirt, exposing herself to him. His eyes grew big with anticipation and pure desire. He wanted her so badly. He leaned in again and began sucking on one of her hard nipples. Her body was trembling at his touch.
Slowly pulling away, "You like that, baby?" Elliot said in a low seductive growl.
"Mmm.very much." Olivia grinned. She reached up and placed her hands on his shoulders, and she pushed him on his back. She leaned over him and kissed her way up his body to his neck. She repositioned herself so she was straddling him; she could feel how turned on he was. He was very hard, and his eyes were full of lust. She could tell he wanted her as much as she wanted him. She grinded her body against his, wanting him inside her.
"You like that Stabler?"
He was putty in her hands at this point. He reached for her waist so he could remove her pajama pants. Just as Olivia was about to help him with this task..
BEEP.BEEP..BEEP..
"Fucking hell!" Elliot barked.
"What is that?" Olivia questioned as she looked around the living room.
"That's my alarm on my cell phone.it means we got an hour before we have to be to work."
"Oh shit!" Olivia let out grabbing for her shirt and quickly putting it on.
Quickly they scurried around Olivia's apartment as they tried to get ready for work. It seemed that they were both able to shower and dress in record time. Rushing to the door, Elliot grabbed her hand, "I'll drive us."
"But people might suspect something." Olivia said with a strong sense of panic in her voice.
"Suspect what? Nothing happened right?" Elliot said with a straight face.
"Okay.right." Olivia's heart dropped what felt like 12 feet.
The car ride to the precinct seemed like an eternity. Olivia gazed aimlessly out the window lost in thought, confused about what had taken place in her apartment a short time ago. Did his comment about nothing happen mean he didn't feel anything for her except lust? Or was he just trying to reassure her that no one was going to suspect anything at work when they arrived together. A million thoughts raced through her mind. She shook her head to make them stop, then she remembered that she was still hung over and everything began to spin. She closed her eyes and opened then again. She was snapped back into reality by Elliot calling her name.
"Hey Liv! Liv.you okay? Liv?"
"Huh? What.oh.yeah.I'm fine.it's just the hangover." She smiled.
"Okay because we're here.with 5 minutes to spare.how's that for timing! We make a good team, eh Benson?"
"Yeah we do."
The two partners swiftly made their way into the office without anyone noticing (or so they thought) and sat down at their desks. They began to settle into their work without missing a beat.
"You guys alright?" Detective John Munch asked peering over from his desk with one eyebrow raised.
"Fine John.why do you ask? Elliot replied calmly.
"Because the two of you rush in here at 8am on the dot.not like you guys.usually Benson is here at 7:30 and you're here at 7:45. It just seems a little strange."
"Elliot gave me a ride to work.we got stuck in traffic.what is so strange about that!" Olivia snapped back.
Munch just smiled at his two co-workers. John knew probably what the whole world saw and that was Elliot Stabler and Olivia Benson belong together. As much as they try to hide or deny their feelings for each other, they were sole mates, in Munch's eyes. He wondered what it would take for them to realize it.
The day went by slowly. No calls to people in need, no new cases today; as much as everyone hated the paperwork side of the job, it also meant there was a chance that no one in New York City was being hurt. A slim chance but it gave them hope. Olivia found herself looking up from her desk, staring at Elliot. He was so handsome, she thought, and I almost had him this morning.damnit!" She gazed back down to her desk to return to her work, when she heard a familiar voice.
"Do you know where I could find Detective Olivia Benson?" a woman asked.
"Yeah, she is right over there."
"Thanks." The woman responded as she made her way over to Benson's desk. "Benson, get your nose out of the damn paper work and take me to lunch." The woman grinned.
Olivia looked up and saw her long time friend, Kath standing beside her desk. "Oh my god! What are you doing here?" Olivia laughed, as she jumped up to give her friend a hug.
"Waiting for you to take me to lunch! Naw.just kidding.I'm back in New York for good now and thought I'd come and find you. It's noon, and I know you forget to eat so I've come to remind you." Kath grinned.
"Sure! Lunch is definitely a good idea. First let me introduce you to my friends here."
"No.let me guess who they are. The tall gentleman with the glasses.you must be John Munch." Munch replied with a smile and a nod of his head.
"And sitting across from him is his partner Fin." Fin responded also with a head nod.
"Finally, sitting across from Liv, is her partner, Elliot Stabler." Elliot stood up and shook her hand. "Pleasure to meet you all! Olivia has told me a lot about you three. Though there is someone missing.your captain.Don Cragen."
"What about me?" Cragen made his way out of his office to see his detectives gathered around a short woman with a pierced eyebrow.
"Captain.guys.this is my friend Kath.she has just moved back to the city and has stopped in to say hello."
"Oh.I just get a little suspicious when I hear my name being tossed around. It is nice to meet you." Don flashed a rare smile.
"Same to you Captain. Come on Liv, let's go! You fellas are more than welcome to come!" Kath said.
"I think we should pass.give you guys time to catch up," Elliot answered, "Though it was nice of you to ask."
"Okay.how about we all get together some time this week. I am eager to get to know of you."
"I don't know why you would want to do that. John's a pretty scary guy." Fin chuckled.
"Well.from what I have been told.you guys are pretty cool. Plus.I am playing a gig on Thursday and in need of people to come," Kath gave a broad grin, "I am trying to buy friends here." The SVU guys let out a few laughs and agreed to her request. Fin and Elliot thought Kath seemed like a sincere person who would make a good friend, and plus they felt like they owed it to Liv. For John though, when she walked into the room, he felt something he hadn't felt in a long time. He needed to get to know her better.
Walking out of the station house, Kath turned to Liv, "So where should we go and eat?"
"Well there is a bar a few blocks away that serves good food."
"How's the beer?"
Olivia groaned.
"What? You don't drink anymore? I mean I understand why but." Kath looked puzzled.
"I still drink.in fact I drank too much last night."
"Bad night, huh?
"Yeah.I don't know how the hell we did it back then?"
"It's easy to get lost in a bottle at times...the trick is as we know is when to pull away."
"Uh huh." Trying to avoid bringing up depressing issues, Olivia changed the subject, "So you got a gig here in town and are moving back?"
"Yeah.it gets better! I got a full time research and teaching job at NYU. I get to bring my research funds back home. I can still work up in northern Arizona and in the Bahamas, but with more money!" Kath said proudly.
"That's awesome! Oh look here we are!" Olivia said as they made their way into the bar. They found a nice table by the window and Olivia looked at her friend. She could read her and sensed there was something else that brought her back home. "Kath, tell me the real reason you came back home."
"The truth?"
"Yes, the truth."
"You know me well, Benson." Kath's smile began to fade, "God.where to begin?"
"Is everything alright?" Olivia asked.
"Well.sorta.no.not really but they will be. Rich's wife found about the affair.she was.as expected not too happy with me or Rich."
"You knew it was only a matter of time though before she found out.it had been what.going on for seven years now. I know how you feel about him but it was wrong." Olivia looked at her friend and gave a worried look.
Kath let out a soft sigh and looked down at the table. "I know it was wrong from the beginning. I knew he was married seven years ago and I take full responsibility for this.but the story gets worse. One day, his wife cornered me in the hall of the library and said if I didn't leave Tucson and the University of Arizona, I would be paying for my sins for a long time to come."
"She threatened you! You could have her ass in jail for that." Olivia's tone became more defensive after hearing someone was threatening to hurt her friend.
"I know.but she has powerful connections, being a dean and all. So when it came time for my 2 year review, they told me I wasn't going to get tenure and I needed to leave the UofA as soon as possible. Even though, in the four years I was there I had a publication list that would make most professors heads spin. I was a successful teacher and researcher.Amy used her pull to do this to me.I know it." A tear streamed down Kath's cheek as she stared out the window.
"Sweetie.I'm so sorry.but look at the bright side you are back home! Things will be better than ever." Olivia smiled in hopes of cheering up her friend.
"Yeah that's true.but there is more."
"More? What could it possibly be?"
"I might be pregnant.I haven't told Rich yet. I'm just scared.I hate changes." "I'm gonna take a page out of your play book.remember all those times when I was scared and felt like my life was falling to shit.you told me everything will be okay.now this time is no different. I know your heart's broken but you will get through this. Everything works out for the best."
"Damnit Benson.stop stealing my lines.it's the only material I got." Kath smiled
"Good afternoon ladies, do you know what you want to eat?"
"Sure.I will take a bacon cheeseburger.medium rare please.the greasier the better and a side of fries..oh and a large glass of water." Olivia requested.
"And for you ma'am?"
"Uh.I'll take a bowl of chicken soup and a root beer."
"I'll have that right out for you."
"Liv? What's with the heart attack on a place?
"Hang over cure."
"Ah! Gotcha.so how has life been in New York? Tell me about your co- workers.they seem interesting."
"What life? I work so much a rarely go out. But work is work.ya know. Well the gang is definitely interesting. Cragen is the father figure in the office.he always makes sure that we are on track and knows when we are about to slip. He's a good man. I've spent many times getting the fatherly lectures from him. Now Fin.he is a sly guy.in a good way. Heart of gold and tough as nails.loves music.every now and then for fun we head out for drinks and dancing. Munch.ha! He is odd but I love him.he is the big brother.always with his crazy conspiracy theories.after tough cases we spend time up on the roof talking about life. He says I'm the little sister he never had but wished he did. And then there's Elliot." Olivia began to glow.
"You're in love!" Kath exclaimed.
"What with Elliot? No! I mean.he.he was married up until 3 months ago and he is still hurting over it.I can't love him.he's my partner." Olivia stumbled for words.
"Okay fool yourself.I watched how he looked at you and when you mentioned his name you blushed." Kath shook her head. "Remember we grew up together and were roommates in college.I know when you're smitten with a boy."
"Oh please.Elliot.he is special.true blue most sincere guy you will ever meet. I think he knows more about my emotions and how I act than anyone I know. He's one of my best friends."
"As well as he should be.you trust him with your life.he has to be your best friend. But just remember, that I have known you forever and I know your emotions as well.don't keep denying your feelings to yourself. You will be selling yourself short in the end.
Olivia and Kath chatted about life and the universe over lunch.catching up on life and reminiscing about the past. It made Olivia feel alittle better about her life again, but still she dreaded the next few days.
Leaving the bar, Kath turned to Olivia. "So I will let you get back to work.I got some more unpacking to do and need to meet up with the band for rehearsal.at least that is something Amy couldn't take away from me."
"Okay sounds like a plan.where are you guys playing again?"
"The Pier down in SoHo.nice roomy bar with a good sound system. You will be there right?"
"You know I will! It's a promise!"
"Cool.see you then!" Olivia nodded and started to walk away, when Kath called to her. "Hey Liv.I know what Wednesday is.do you want me to do anything?"
Olivia gave a small smile, "No.I got it covered.thanks though.and Kath."
"Yeah?"
"Welcome home!"
As Olivia walked back to the station house, she thought about Elliot and Kath's words. Elliot was Olivia's best friend over the past 5 years. He had seen her at her best and worst.he was the one man that had ever made her feel whole. Sure there had been other men but none like Elliot. She was in love once to a man twice her age, but it was more as an escape from the dark reality she was living in. He was her pathway into a fanstise world. Elliot was different. She admitted to herself that she had been pining for him all this time but did she love him? She was confused.
She thought about the events of this morning, and she felt embarrassed. Olivia wondered if Elliot thought less of her because she was close to giving it up so easily. Maybe he was just looking for sex, or maybe he cared for her deeper than she thought. Maybe she did love him.she didn't know what to feel anymore. Her heart was aching and her head was still pounding. Though one thing was decided, she needed to apologize for her actions.
Entering the squad room, Olivia returned to her desk and watched Elliot walking from by the coffee pot. "Hi Liv, how was lunch?"
"It was good.nice to see my old friend again.hey Elliot."
"Yeah?"
"About this morning." "Liv." He cut her off mid-sentence. "Don't worry about it.we got caught up in the heat of the moment. It's okay." He gave her a reassuring smile.
Olivia nodded and thought to herself, "what a day this has been.I hope the rest of the week turns out okay."