Title - When The Lights Go Down
Author - BeccaCarter
Rating - PG
Authors Notes - I havn't really writen anything for CSI. I prefer to just read this fandom, to be honest i prefer to just read the fan fictions and thats it these days. However this little story just popped into my head so thought better get it out on paper before it disapears. Also i really should have had this beta'd but i don't have one so here it is. Sorr for any mistakes etc i did try to go thorugh it but i was at work and really shoudl have been working !
During the day I'm fine. During the day I can pretend, I can put on my brave face. It's the night I fear. That blackness when you can see nothing but all your faults and doubts. When the only light shining is the one casting a shadow on everything you thought you knew. That's why I don't sleep. That's why after coming off graveyard shift I go home and read or I'll listen to music or I'll go out to Lake Mead and just stand, so small against the world.
During the nights when I have to sleep because of exhaustion, I leave a small light on either one beside my bed or the hall light. It's so childish but it's the only comfort I have and I cling to it with such ferocity that I'm afraid one day if I don't have that small comfort light I might slip off to sleep and never wake up from my demons.
I told you all this once. We were lying in bed and neither the hall light was on or the one beside my bed. I don't think I've ever been so tense. You could sense something was wrong immediately. You asked gently what the problem was, but I never opened up right away we had only just begun this whole dating thing this was the first proper sleep over. Sure we'd stayed over at yours before but it was in the day time. This time round it was dark...the night had crept up on unsuspecting little ole me. I was having such a good time on our rare night off together I hadn't thought further ahead to you coming over and staying and it being night time and the dark being all around us.
It had been a long day so we had just gone straight to bed, both of us exhausted and in need of rest. I remember getting changed into our night wear, laying in bed me on the right you on the left as usual. Everything's as is would be normally. You snuggled into my side hooking your legs round mine, your arm resting over my stomach. We lay like that for what seemed an eternity, you had already begun to drift off to sleep and me, well I was counting the specks of dust on the ceiling. I got to 23 when you lifted your body up to look down on me. You asked me in a whisper what was wrong. I was so ashamed of my secret that I couldn't look at you so I turned my face away scared to show you the fear I had in my eyes. You began to beg for an answer, I could hear the questions and panic running through your head. Is she having second thoughts? Does she want me out of her bed? Was this all a mistake? I wanted to yell no to every doubt you had but I just started to bubble, then the tears fell and then you get up to leave.
I think the weight shift, and the complete loss of body heat is what actually maked me open my mouth and speak those terrifying words. The fear of loosing you completely overtakes the irrational fear of the night I have. So I tell you in a whisper at first. You barely hear me and I had to repeat my dark secret.
"I'm afraid of the dark."
You react differently to how I'd imagined. I'd pictured you laughing, and then asking if I was serious. You did neither. You simply walked back over to the bed sat down and took my hand in yours. Then you asked, so seriously, why? Why am I afraid of the dark? This question alone in its simplicity could take weeks to explain fully. So many reasons bundled up into one irrational fear. I let you know that it's not a simple answer and may take a while to explain. You slip off the shoes you had put on when you were about to leave and you swung you legs back onto the bed. You then did something so magnificently wonderful that it made me fall in love with you completely right there and then. I knew I was falling before but this act cemented all those feeling I had for you into love in its purest form.
You take my head in your hands and you kiss my check, not my lips for fear of overwhelming me I suspect, then you look me straight in the eye and you tell me that no matter what I say tonight nothing would ever make you feel differently about me, nothing I say will make you run in any other direction except the one I'm travelling. You then lay my head against your chest, you circle your arms around me and you ask me again why I'm afraid of the dark. You didn't rush me for an answer you simply asked the question and left it hanging in the air. I guess for me to grab and answer it in my own time.
It takes all night but by the time I had finished telling you we had slipped further down the bed. My head was now resting on your shoulder my arm wrapped around your stomach. I know you're not going to bolt or disappear but I like having my arm there. I can feel your chest rise and fall. Once I had stopped talking you didn't say anything for a few minutes, you didn't even move. Then you turned your face so I could just about see your eyes from where I'm sitting and you told me you loved me. It sounds so simple. 3 words, each a syllable on there own, but from you, that night, they had such meaning I was afraid to breath incase you take those 3 words back. I finally got up the courage to break the moment. I sat up and I did exactly what you did to me only hours ago. I took your face in my hands and I looked you straight in the eye and I told you that I loved you. I don't say "I love you too." I didn't want it to be a reply to the statement you just made. I wanted it to be my statement. You had yours now I've had mine. We settled into a comfortable position and for what was left of the night we tried and sleep. I realised, laying there with you that, that moment you almost left, terrified me more than the dark itself. The darkness isn't all that dark with you protecting me. Suddenly I found my self not so afraid anymore.