Disclaimer: All recognizable characters and places are not mine.
Jack fumbled around for the cell phone he knew was on his night table somewhere, the shrill ring of it interrupting his sleep. Forcing his eyes open he looked at the clock as his hand found his phone. 1:29 am. He hoped whoever was calling was calling for a very good reason, but when he finally focused his eyes enough to look at the caller ID his face softened a bit. Her calling didn't necessarily mean that the world wasn't in danger, but it also didn't mean that his world wasn't in danger.
"O'Neill" He said gruffly, sleep thick in his voice. He listened intently for sounds on the other side of the phone but there were none other than her breathing and what he thought may be a sniffle. His heart began to speed up and he sat up in bed, panic propelling him.
"Sam?"
"At what point can someone be considered a terrible person?" She asked very little waver to her voice but he could hear the tears.
"Sam…?" He didn't want to startle her but what she said is not what he was expecting… at all. "What's going on? More breathing. More sniffles. No words. "Where are you?"
He heard he inhale deeply, trying to get control of herself "I'm sorry I woke you, sir. Go back to sleep." The protest on his lips died as he heard the 'call disconnected' tone. Cursing he stood from his bed, quickly getting dressed, keys to his truck in hand. He halted his mad dash as he opened his front door and saw her car sitting in on the road in front of his house, with her inside. Ignoring the biting cold of the night he walked quickly to her car. Her head was rested upon folded arms on the steering wheel, her shoulders were shaking from what he knew was her attempt to keep in the sobs that were trying so desperately to escape.
She didn't even flinch when the he opened her car door and the cold air whipped around her, her position never changed. Jack placed his hand on her back and finally her head turned to his and blue, puffy, eyes focused and caught his. His breath hitched. He had seen her cry, of course he had, but this was something else. Something he hadn't even seen when He had almost died or Janet had died. Her eyes seemed to hold nothing behind them, like she was slipping away and her being here in front of his house was her last attempt to stay.
"Come inside, Sam." She didn't argue, but it took a bit of silent coaxing on his part to get her out of the car.
He sat with her on his couch. Silently waiting for her to open up to him. Waiting until she was ready to trust him. His hand reached out settling itself atop of her hers. Her eyes moved to his hand, and when her eyes flicked to his he saw fear in them, and when her hand slid from underneath his he knew it was fear of him. His heart broke. For her, for him. For them. He never saw them like this... they were so far and yet she was here, expecting him to catch her when she fell, knowing that he would.
"How many people have we killed, Jack?" His breath left him again. They both knew that the count had been lost long ago. Neither of them remembered now.
"In all the years that we worked side by side, fighting for our country, our world. How many people have died at our hands? " He didn't speak. The question was rhetorical, he knew that. "and at the end of the day we were "heroes"" She spoke the word as if it left a bad taste in her mouth. "We were never murderers." In those years they had never talked about how many lives they had taken. How many brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, mothers, and fathers they had taken. It was easier to think of them as collateral damage than people, but it took it's toll. Everyone had their breaking point.
"Sam…" He wanted to comfort her, but she gave a sardonic exhale and a head shake before turning her head away from him completely.
"Sam, you can tell me." The tears that had stopped began making new trails down her cheeks.
"I can't" Sam said through the tears "I don't want you to hate me." Jack's arms automatically went around her. She accepted the embrace and the tears flowed harder her face molded to the crook of his left arm, the fabric there gathering her tears.
"Shh" He gave by way of comfort. "it's ok." The soft words and sounds of comfort continuing as he stroked her hair back out of the way of her tears. Jack simply held her through it, trying to convey that there was very possibly nothing that she could do to make him hate her.
"You can tell me, Sam." He said again, adamancy lacing his tone. Her tears slowed and her eyes looked unfocused out into his living room, as cute hiccups randomly came over her.
" I'm a murderer." He looked at her and while he knew she couldn't see his face, he couldn't stop the look of shock on his face.
"Now, Sam, We did what we had to in the line of duty. You are not a murderer." She stayed quiet for sometime longer, just staring blankly.
"Every time I thought about it, it made me sick." Her voice was soft and held a different tone to the previous times she spoke.
"I couldn't…" Jack wasn't following her anymore, something had changed in the last few minutes, he would have to wait to see what it was.
"I couldn't do it… I couldn't keep it." With her words Jack understood. He had lost a child too. He understood the fear in her eyes earlier. He would give almost anything at the chance to be a father again, and for however long she was a mother and then chose not to be. She was afraid that he would resent her for giving up something he wanted so badly.
"I want to be a good mother. I can't be a good mother if all I can see when I look at my child is…" The sniffling and shuddering had stopped but the tears continued, and she buried her face against him blocking her from his view.
"Sam, what happened?" There was a panic in his voice, an urgency, because it felt as though there were klaxons going of in his head then she buried her face against him blocking her from his view, offering no words. He didn't need them, he knew.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Sure he and Sam had fallen off the communication wagon but he would have thought that something like an unwanted, forced, pregnancy would at least warrant a call.
"I didn't want you to look at me differently" That was his Carter. Always the strong little soldier, but right now he wanted his Sam, the person he loved… the woman that trusted him enough to show him her vulnerable side. She turned her face to his looking at his face judging the look there before turning back away. "I'm sorry, sir." Her walls were coming back up.
"Sam. The way I look at you will change, of course it will, but I will never think less of you. Never." Sam looked back to him, holding his gaze, seeing if he was lying. "You are not a murderer, you are an amazing woman, and I'd say that you loved that baby… enough to not bring it into this world… and if it's possible, that makes me love you even more." He leaned down and placed a soft kiss on the edge of her lips, ending with a kiss to her forehead. "I love you." He said, smiling gently at her, his hand falling back to her head to continue to brush her hair back in comforting strokes. He whispered soothingly to her until she fell asleep, her head in his lap.
He carried her gently to his bed, slipping in behind her his arms circling her waist, speaking promises to her until his eyes, too, grew heavy and sleep took him
I hope you enjoyed it. Feel free to drop me a line either way. or don't even do that... it's all up to you.