It's Arizona's last day being stuck in this horrid hospital room, the last day she has to lie in a comfortable bed and staring at the white wall, not being able to do much more than reading something on the pretty kindle Callie got her a while ago, or thinking of her life. And she's been thinking too much these days, because she has time. So much time, and so many dark thoughts. It's not something she likes, it's not how she wants to be. In fact, she probably would give everything to get out of this beginning depression again. She's sick of it, and she's sick of herself for being like that. Actually, she's sick of herself because of many reasons: She hates how she didn't fight for Callie a year ago, she hates how she just packed her things and left, just letting down her marriage. She hates that she's getting hurt by the people she loves the most, she hates that she hates her good heart these days because it feels like her optimism is the cause of hopes which are always falling apart again. She hates how she looks, she hates that she's a cripple who isn't even able to look into a mirror anymore. There are so many things she wants to say, yet she doesn't. Instead she just tries to keep living, staring at those walls, and breaking down in tears more often than she likes. Everything makes her cry — the terrible food, the gossip of the nurses, good news of friends, and the thoughts of her family. Family, which is most likely dead already. For days, weeks even, there are certain people spooking through her mind: Anna, Nick, and Timothy. Those three people were her people, people she could count on no matter what, people who always supported her. She's spent her whole childhood with them, she's been fake-married to Nick, she scared people away with Anna and she played basketball in the garden with Tim. She saw her cousin growing up to a strong and independent woman who survived the loss of her parents and sister, and eventually finding the love of her life only to get killed by a pervert. She was there when Nick followed his best friend to war because he was so worried, and she was there when he came back, clinging on her like she's the last person in his life after he saw Tim dying. And now, now he's died of cancer because he was too stubborn, and cared too much about her sanity. And her brother, her dear brother, who died in war after the loss of his wife and son. Her brother with whom she climbed up the twin towers to save oh so many people, and who was the first one who got to know about her sexuality..
"Hey, Tim..?" Her sixteen-year old self leans her back against the cold wall and crosses her legs beneath her body. She's nervous, and she has no idea how she's supposed to express herself. It's not like she's ever said something like this before, to anyone, and the fact that he's her brother doesn't make it better. Or maybe it does, because actually he's one of the very few people she trusts with her life.
" 'Sup, Flagstaff?" A grin is built on her lips as she lifts her head, looking over at her four years elder brother who's sitting on her chair in a very relaxed manner. He's home for vacations and in a week he'll have to return to the Military College he's part of, finishing the next semester. Usually he would spend most of his home-time with the love of his life who happened to be Arizona's best friend as well, Katie. It's really a funny thing to see them being together, but she's happy for them. In her eyes, they're the perfect match, they obviously belong together and this four-year difference doesn't change anything. Yet, today is one of the days he's only going to spend with her, because he misses his sister. For Arizona, it's not possible that he could miss her more than she misses him, because whenever he's gone it feels like her heart is shattered to pieces. He's the one she looks up to, and although she still has Anna around and even Nick, who's a year younger than Tim, a part of her isn't whole when he's gone. "It's something not even my best frien-.. Katie knows, and I.. Well, I don't actually know how to say it.." She's stumbling over her words already, her fingers are nervously intertwined.
"A secret?" His voice is teasing, he obviously mocks her, but in a weird way Arizona appreciates it. It's just as reassuring as hearing him calling her with her petname 'Flagstaff', and it calms her nerves. Nodding slightly, she looks down at her hands, taking a deep breath. "It's uhm, I.. I think I like girls."
The room is silent. The blonde is holding her breath, waiting for a reaction of her brother while said guy is quiet, wondering if she'll add any more information. It's not like he's not surprised by this outcome of his younger sister, but it's definitely not completely coming out of the blue. His eyes flicker over to her Cindy Crawford poster for a brief second, an amused smirk on his lips. He remembers how their father has reacted as she put it up, but as stubborn as the younger girl is, she wasn't impressed the slightest and she certainly didn't put it down again. "T-Tim..?" His eyes wander over to her again, realizing that she's on the edge of a breakdown if he won't say anything soon. And that she is, not knowing what her brother thinks of her now is nerve-wrecking.
"That's it?" Timothy asks, and Arizona nods slightly, agreeing. "Yes", she whispers out. For another second she's fearing that he could make a hurtful comment, but then he only starts joking about how everyone thought she was having a crush on a girl called David. "That's just something Katie came up with, you know her and her imagination.. Plus, I might or might not slapped him at this party two weeks ago as he grabbed my ass." A snicker is leaving her mouth, and her facial expression relaxed. "You're not going to tell anyone, will you?"
"Nope. Cross my heart and hope to die-.."
"Tim! I'm serious.." Her eyebrow is arched a little, but the amused smile can't get wiped away from her face. She's so relieved that he's taking it just like that, that he's cool with it. Because in this world, there are a lot of people who think there must be a reason she prefers women, people who dislike this fact so much they almost hate queer ones. Though she's enver expected Timothy to be like that anyways, it's still such a great feeling to know her brother accepts her just the way she is.
"I'm serious, too. Zona.. Pinky promise?" He lifts his arm and sticks out his little finger. This is the very moment Arizona falls down on her side, holding her belly with one hand and laughing the hell out of herself. There's a reason many people like her brother, and that's his humor. But for her, it's just the fact that he's always true to himself, he never changed for anyone or anything. And he always knows what to say to make her feel better.
"So wait, this means you're gonna marry a chick?"
Her arm lazily slides over her bed until it's in the right position to put her head on it and still lying comfortably enough to look over at Timothy. To be honest, Arizona hasn't thought about marriage at all yet, and she didn't need to, after all she's only sixteen. She still has her life time left to find the right person. But the thought of getting committed to someone she loves with all her heart and knowing this certain person loves her back with just the same intensity is heart-warming. "I guess so, yeah."
"Cool. I'm gonna dance so hard at your wedding."
He's never seen her in a wedding dress. He's never seen her walking down the aisles. He's never met the love of her life. The last significant other he knew of was Lauren, but he's never looked in the eyes of the woman who owns her heart, he's never shook her hand, he never made some jokes or told awfully embarrassing stories about their childhood. He's never danced at her wedding.
Arizona closes her eyes shut, trying to get hand of her emotions, trying to force the hot tears to stay inside her burning eyes, trying to not fall apart. Of all the people she has lost over the years, her brother is the one person with whose death she will never come to peace. She will never understand how someone like Timothy could lose his life while perverts are living a long and healthy one. The blonde needs her brother now, more than ever. She needs him because she has lost herself somewhere in between her dark thoughts and he would be the only one to make her feel complete again, because ever since he's died, half of her heart broke into a thousand pieces and died a million deaths, grew black and necrotized. And still it's hurting so much, it's so painful to even think of him. A sob leaves her throat as she turns to her side, putting her left arm over her eyes to keep out the awful world.