Author's note: This was inspired by a early Christmas dinner Saturday night with my cousins. I pulled this one my seven year old cousin. It was hilarious. I'm such a loving cousin, right? :)
Anyway, this is the Pevensies discovery of the wonders of good *ahem* medieval food. (Some of the stuff they ate was gross!) This is their reaction.
Unnatural Food
"What's wrong, Susan?" Peter whispered to his sister. She merely stared at him with unblinking blue eyes and gestured, ever so slightly, to the platter in the center of the table sending up wisps of steam and good scent. It was some sort of fowl, that much was obvious. What kind was hard to determine. The head was still attached and it was covered in jet black feathers. Its dark, webbed feet were extended towards Susan. Blue eyes stared lifeless against a few orange cheek feathers.
"What is that?" Edmund whispered from across the table.
"I think its Narnian chicken," Lucy answered.
Susan shook her head. "Definitely not chicken, Lucy. Maybe it's partridge."
"Like a partridge in a pear tree?" Edmund asked.
"Why do you remember things like that?" Peter questioned.
"I just do," responded Edmund.
"Pardon me, your majesties," interrupted a faun, who was carrying a plate full of red potatoes. "It is neither chicken nor partridge. It is a rare cormorant, imported from Terebinthia."
"What is comaurorant?" Lucy wondered as she took a spoonful of potatoes from the faun.
"You mean cormorant, Lu," Peter responded. "I honestly don't know what that is."
"Allow me to select a tender piece for your majesties sampling," the faun spoke up. He handed Edmund the plate of potatoes, reached for a knife and cut off what Peter thought was part of the thigh. The faun placed the selection on Susan's plate to her mortification.
"Go on, Su, try it!" Edmund urged. The faun was smiling at her, and not wishing to hurt his feelings, Susan took a tiny bite. She swallowed nervously and quickly washed it down with a bitter taste of red wine.
Peter grinned at her reaction to the wine. He had already received the privilege of being shocked by the strong flavor of Narnian wine. (Lord Peridan had privately mentioned to him that wine from Archenland was even strong. Secretly, Peter couldn't wait to watch Edmund's reaction.)
Lucy watched Susan the entire time, trying to decide whether or not she would try some of the strange fowl. But now her eyes were fixed on the platter containing the cormorant.
"What is it, Lucy?" Edmund asked as he noticed her gaze.
"I think the bird just moved," Lucy whispered. Susan turned very pale and squealed. Thankfully Peter's hand flew over her mouth before she could fully scream. (If he hadn't succeeded, everyone would be deaf.)
"There is no way that I will ever take another bite of that!" Susan exclaimed softly when Peter removed his hand from her mouth. (That was after the faun had disappeared further down the long table.)
Edmund couldn't resist the opportunity and poked the bird with his fork. "I'm alive!" he shouted. Susan jumped up from the table and, in her haste, her elbow knocked her glass of red wine over. The wine quickly seeped through the cream colored table cloth and dripped down the front of Peter's festive white and gold embroidered tunic. Edmund began to snicker. Peter froze him with a death glare.
Lucy seized the knife lying beside the platter and stabbed the strange fowl with it. "Now it won't move," she declared.
"I can't believe that I ate a piece of it," Susan whispered in horrified tones to herself as she slipped back into her chair. She grabbed her plate and swapped it with Peter's surprisingly empty plate. He didn't seem to notice because he heaped more potatoes and fish upon it, covering the cormorant. His siblings said nothing as they watched him dig in with relish. Before long it was Peter who was sputtering and he drained his entire glass of wine in one gulp.
Edmund kicked Susan's foot under the table in celebration and she sighed. Edmund smiled innocently and blinked his eyes, trying to look as cute as Lucy.
"Oh, alright, Ed," Susan sighed.
Edmund raised his glass. "Cheers?"
"Cheers." Susan reluctantly clinked her glass against his.
"What was in the potatoes?" Peter wondered.
"The cormor thing," Lucy answered quickly.
Peter began coughing and tried to convince himself that the fowl was cooked and could not have possibly moved. "Lucy, are you sure the bird, whatever the faun called it, was really moving?" he asked. "Maybe the table just moved."
"No," Lucy answered confidently, "it really moved."
"If I'm sick tomorrow," Peter threatened.
"Then I will be too," Susan replied, gently placing a hand on his arm. The doors behind them suddenly burst open and a flock of servers hurried into the room. They began clearing the table and took away the used plates.
"Hey! I wasn't finished yet!" Edmund protested. But his plate was long gone. Soon clean plates were set before them again and huge platters containing other foreign fowl graced the table. There were dishes of steaming vegetables that accompanied them. And in the middle of the table rested the largest hog (non-talking of course) the Pevensie siblings had ever seen. Lucy knew that her mouth had fallen open but she did nothing to close it.
"Where's the apple?" Edmund whispered.
"The apple?" Susan asked.
"Yes," Edmund replied. "I thought they always cooked whole hogs with apples in their mouths."
"Ed!" Susan shook her head. "Whatever shall we do with you?" But Peter was elbowing her rather hard and she turned to see what he wanted.
"Did you see that?" he whispered.
"See what?" Susan asked.
"That!" Peter pointed to the hog. Susan turned quite pale and felt that she was about to faint. "Steady, Su," Peter whispered as he caught her before she toppled over.
"It – it moved," she stammered.
"Don't be silly," Edmund laughed. But even Lucy was pale and silent. Edmund glanced back at the hog that had been lying innocently on the platter only moments before. A squeal erupted from the supposed food item which rose to his four charred feet. Loud screams echoed through the dining hall as the ladies leaped up from their seats in horror. Peter had unsheathed his sword and was pointing it at the pig as Susan hid behind him, covering her mouth in astonishment.
"Get back!" Peter shouted at the pig. "Get back and quit scaring the daylights out of the ladies!" To everyone's surprise, the hog simply fell over, its four legs splayed out in all directions. Peter cautiously stepped forward and gently prodded the beast with the end of his sword. Nothing.
"I think it is dead," Lucy spoke up.
"I do believe you are right, Lu," Peter responded. "Um, dear fauns, would you mind taking this strange delight back to the kitchens?"
"Of course, your majesty," they responded.
"You may take your seats again, honored guests," Edmund spoke up after the fauns had removed the pig. Everyone slowly took their seats again and gradually the conversations resumed. Other platters were brought out and they began to eat once more.
"Well!" Susan exclaimed. "That was an exciting incident!"
"It was funny," Lucy giggled, "to see all the ladies clinging to the gentlemen in their horror at the hog."
"Would you like some roasted cauliflower, Peter?" Edmund asked as he tried to pass the dish.
"No, I can't eat anymore, Ed," Peter groaned. "My stomach is too upset. I think it was the cormorant."
"Susan seems fine," Edmund remarked cheekily. "Perhaps it was because you drained your entire glass of wine in one gulp."
Dinner was interrupted once again, but this time it was because the youngest king's face was shoved into the large dish of red beets.
The End
Author's note: Okay, I know that that was really silly, but who cares? Of course I had to add in a bunch of things that didn't happen in my real experience, but I'll tell you what's true. My cousin wouldn't eat her chicken, she said it was gross, and I knew she wouldn't eat it so I suddenly exclaimed, "I think it just moved!" Of course my cousin squealed in terror (and part humor) and refused to take another bite. Then her brother leaned over, poked the chicken with his fork and shouted, "I'm alive!" And then we went into other crazy exclamations from the live chicken. Including, "I'm an angry chicken!" It was supposed to be "Angry Chicken" instead of "Angry Birds". Yes, I know, very lame. But hey, we had a blast! Hope you enjoyed my little lame story.