CrackFic Claude

Alois has stumbled across a 'Revenge Potion' which he plans to use on Ciel, but first he has to test it...on Claude! And that's when trouble starts. Alois suffers through the consequences of his rash decision to turn his demon butler into a guinea pig as Claude goes through several stages of unique behaviour, each more disturbing than the last. All his best and worst character traits are played to the max, from crocheting to being spiderman. The Phantomhives meet for dinner with the Trancys, only to find their hosts seem to be just a little high, perhaps on some kind of Victorian 'shroom. And it gets weirder still...

Author's Note: Crack fiction at its craziest.

Disclaimer: Kuroshitsuji is the intellectual property of Yana Toboso.

Rating: T

Chapter 1 : A Plot For Revenge

Deep in the bowls of the Trancy mansion, in a dark, stony basement extending as low as the pits of hell, two crooked conspirators toiled away on their wicked plans for world domination. …Actually, they were only trying to drug a thirteen year old boy and steal him away to upset his over-obsessive demon butler into a bout of irreversible thousand-year-long depression. But let's not split hairs.

"Is it meant to glow like that?"

"It's all part of the recipe, Your Highness," Claude reassured as he dutifully stirred the cauldron of green, bubbling goop.

"Then this is sure to make Ciel Phantomhive mine! And when I have him, that Sebastian demon will crumble to his knees! Mwahahahaha!" Alois gloated stupidly. He sat on the stone ledge, swinging his dastardly boots in glee as he watched the potion below him transform into a fluorescent radioactive muck. Its glow illuminated his eager face from beneath, and the effect looked so creepy that his pervert of butler, Claude, actually jumped back in shock when he turned to face his master.

"Ah!-Ahh…One more minute and it should be finished, Your Highness."

"Perrrfect!" Alois drooled in a vengeful lust.

Claude turned his back and muttered darkly, "Unless that old lady was a crook…in which case we're no better off stirring donkey dung and hobo sweat…"

Alois snapped, "What?"

"Nothing, Your Highness."

You see, they had taken the potion off an old lady, a.k.a. mean old b-witch, whom Alois had spotted beating a squirrel to death over a nut on the side of a forest road one morning. The boy had screeched for his butler halt the carriage, leaped out, and demanded the gnarly hag give him her best revenge potion. Of course witches, knowing how hated and repulsive they were seen to be in the eye of decent society, generally try to keep their identities a secret. So she feigned ignorance and said loudly to herself, "Can't this young brat see I am nothing but an innocent little old lady?" ...as she continued swinging the squirrel about the tail.

But Alois was insistent, and with a few boot-kicks to the rear she agreed to give him what she knew to be her darkest brand of magic. And so, with one violent wrench of her gnarled claw-fingers, she tore a length of bark off a nearby tree, seized the squirrel by the head, and used its teeth to scrawl down an ancient recipe. She thrust the bark into the earl's greedy hands, and with that she was on her way, troll-hobbling back into the forest while gnawing on the nut she'd prized from the tiny rodent. Claude came to stand by his master's side, and the pair watched carefully as the old bat melted into the bushes, cackling archaic profanities as she went. Alois had gasped in awe, and remarked on what a hideous things she was, but Claude's eyes were focused on the suspicious bark scratchings in his master's hands. He didn't like them one bit.

And now, while stirring the cauldron to this mysterious concoction, Claude liked the potion even less. However his master was stubborn, and there was no way out of this. Worse did things become, when Alois announced he wanted the brew to be tested on Claude, himself!

"Your Highness, it is ready," he kneeled down on the stone floor, his black coattails falling dutifully with him.

Alois pressed his palms against the stone ledge and launched himself forward. His heels landed sharply on the cobblestones in front of his kneeling butler. Alois spoke down to him, "Drink it."

Claude rose politely and took a glass, to which he ladled in a scoop of the dubious green liquid. It was thick and still bubbling steam as Claude eyed it unhappily. He made one last bid to escape, "Master, I have to warn you that this may not work. Those…little old ladies…are not in the habit of helping others. In fact, she might have served us something quite dangerous. And as you are using me to test this potion on, the side effects could prove to be-"

"Yes, yes! Just drink up and we'll work out the kinks later," Alois waved an impatient hand.

"But, Your Highness-"

"Drink up, I say!"

Claude held back a sigh, and, with some apprehension, he put the glass to his mouth and tipped it all the way back. Alois watched his butler's Adam's apple rise and fall as they chugged the awful verdant slop. Once it was downed, the young master rubbed his hands together gleefully.

Claude spluttered and tried to keep a straight face, "Yes, Your Highness."

Note: I thought I'd try writing something short and...sweet. Well, I hope it entertains. Thanks for reading! (A deep apology to my readers of Smutty Cuteness. Chapter 7 is coming soon, I had writer's block and this helped cured it.)

Next chapter coming soon.