Notes: Merry Christmas! It's a day late but I've been quite busy lately so this is my Boxing Day present to everyone. It's a massive thank you to anyone that's ever read and enjoyed something I've written. Y'all are awesome and I'm so happy to be part of this fandom! I'll stop gushing now.
This is fluffy and a bit angsty and very Christmassy.
Warnings: Allusions to serious childhood trauma (sexual abuse).
Word Count ~3300
He wakes up with his nose buried in the back of a fluffy head, inhales the smell of shampoo and sleep and Steven. This is the third time in a row he's woken up blanketed in this smell and it hasn't lost its novelty yet, probably never will. He tightens his arms to bring Steven closer, curls his fingers into warm skin, and Steven shifts against his front, burrows himself into the safety of Brendan's embrace, third time in a row that's happened as well, instinctive like that's just how they roll; Brendan pulls and Steven comes, like a Universal constant.
He matches the rhythm of their slow breathing, counts Steven's heartbeats, can feel them through his own body like Steven's blood is pumping directly into him, like they're sharing the very essence of what keeps them alive.
That's how he feels at the moment. He's so fragile, stretched so thin he's basically transparent, everything on show because he's never been able to hide a damn thing from his father, and Steven feels solid and opaque and necessary. Brendan can rage and rail and scream against him and he won't recoil or back down. Brendan can hide here with him like this place is a fortress and feel buffered against the darkness outside the door.
It's safety like he's never really known. It's peace, too. Until the bedroom door opens and two small faces appear around the frame.
He untangles himself from their daddy and sits up and feels guilt jolt through him at how uncertain Leah's face is.
"Hey, mornin'," he says softly and she softens in response, gives him a smile but still doesn't move. Right. He gets up and holds out his hand and she considers him before coming closer. "D'you wanna jump on daddy and wake him up?" he asks and she puts a hand over her mouth and giggles and Lucas watches her and does the same. She nods and Brendan moves slowly, doesn't want to spook them, and pulls them into his arms. "Ready? One - two - "
They count with him and when they get to three he throws them across the bed in an arc right into a painful sprawl across Steven's sleeping body.
He shrieks pretty loudly. He flails, too.
Brendan collapses against the wardrobe in a fit and the kids laugh and Leah calls her dad a big baby and Steven glares at him like he might commit murder and plea justification. They sprawl all over him and Brendan watches until Steven puts a hand out to bring him back to bed. He goes cautiously, sits first and then leans back against the headboard and then Lucas falls on top of him and just lays there in his lap like he has no intention of moving.
It's been years since he's had this, excited kids screaming at him on Christmas morning, a bed full of family and a genuine reason to celebrate. He thinks about his boys and then tries not to. Today he has a chance to make up for some of that. Today he has a chance to give two kids the Christmas they deserve.
He sits with them on the living room floor whilst Steven bustles around the kitchen wearing his boxers, Brendan's t-shirt, a flowered apron and a Santa's hat.
They're trying to get into everything all at once and Brendan's there with bleeding fingers trying to rip open boxes and fiddle with annoying metal wires. He's got an entire arsenal of tools at his disposal, scissors and screwdrivers and batteries, and Leah and Lucas seem quite impressed with his help. He gets told that he's better at this than their daddy is and it makes him feel pretty accomplished.
When he's done he leaves them to play and Steven decides he needs help as well. He directs Brendan on fetch quests for ingredients and Brendan turns up the radio because Judy Garland, hello, and because Steven's singing is so bad that he's trying to drown it out. It just makes him sing louder.
" - make the Yuletide gaaaaaaay - "
"It's gay enough, I think," Brendan says loudly. Anything to make Steven stop yowling like a strangled cat.
"Says Judy Garland's number one fan?"
"Judy Garland is a legend, Steven. I can't help it if you have no appreciation of the classics."
"I appreciate - "
"If you make one more crack about me being old I'm gonna stuff you."
"Oh, aye?"
He smiles, slow and cheeky. Brendan gets in close and leans in for a kiss and thinks vaguely about mistletoe but his phone rings before he manages to get his lips touched down. He falls back against the counter and rubs the back of his neck, stiff all over all of a sudden. The ease with which he can flip from okay to absolutely-not-okay is both astonishing and exhausting.
"I bet you a tenner it's Chez," Steven says and Brendan wouldn't even take that bet. She's rang him three times already. "You can't ignore her forever, you know."
"Watch me."
"Bren."
"You tryin' to get rid of me?" he asks lightly but there's something like a tremble creeping into his voice and he doesn't know how it got there.
Steven looks and sees straight through him, just like always. Brendan wants a quip or a light-hearted comment,maybe a playful shove. What he gets is Steven's expression going hard as he gets close like he's trying to box Brendan in against the kitchen counter.
"Is that what you think?" Steven asks, low and serious.
"No," he replies but he can't seem to look Steven in the eye. He doesn't know where this is coming from, just more outpouring of displaced emotion. It's all there, simmering away close to the surface, and it keeps bubbling over when he least expects it.
"I told you that I wouldn't give up on you, made a promise," Steven says softly. He puts his hands against Brendan's hips and leans his weight in and Brendan bows his head close and doesn't remember deciding to do so. "I love you."
Those words have always sounded empty to him before; people throw them around like they don't weigh a thing but no matter how many times Steven says them they never cease to make his stomach flip and his heart lurch.
"So you keep saying," he says through a smile and Steven gives him one back and everything feels just that bit lighter.
"You can stay 'ere as long as you want. I want you to. I'm not right keen on you leavin'," Steven tells him with a self-deprecating little eye-roll. "But she is your sister and it is Christmas. Anyway, she'll only turn up 'ere if you don't talk to her. I mean, I love her to bits but I've got enough on with you and the kids at the moment."
There's his quip, perfectly timed to slice straight through the tension holding Brendan's body stiff and in place. He feels himself completely sag against the counter, legs splaying wider to bracket Steven's body.
"Don't you talk about my sister like that."
"She's basically my sister now as well, y'know."
"You're gettin' a bit ahead of yourself, aren't you? You do remember that you're actually married to another man?"
Steven looks momentarily appalled before he gives Brendan a sheepish grin. "Yeah, alright. Technicality."
Brendan chuffs a laugh. "Pretty big one."
"Why, thank you."
"No," he says, soft and serious, and slides his hand around the back of Steven's neck to press their foreheads together. "Thank you."
"Don't 'ave to thank me, Brendan."
"I know but I want to. I don't know how bad it woulda' been if I didn't have you here for this. I dread to think."
"Yeah, well - we're a bit of a team now, aren't we?" Steven asks through a smile and Brendan laughs and nods against him. A team. He actually, really likes that. "Now phone your sister."
"That's not teamwork, that's just you ordering me around."
"Please?" he says sweetly, eyelashes fluttering, and Brendan dips his head to catch his mouth in a kiss. It's just one more thing that he'll never get sick of.
His hands are shaking ever so slightly.
What the Hell is going on with you?
His heart's thudding quick against his ribs.
We're your family for God's sake. Dad's come all the way over to see us and you can't even spend more than an hour with him? On Christmas as well.
Yeah, okay, okay - I'll be round in a bit, Chez. Promise.
Let me talk to your brother Cheryl. Go and check the turkey, there's a good girl.
...
Y'know, son - you can bring round that sort that you've been shacked up with all these days, if that's what you're in such a mood about.
I'm not, Da -
Do you think I'm stupid? You obviously can't tear yourself away from her. She must be a looker, eh? A pretty, blue-eyed blonde maybe?
He feels sick to his stomach and cold all over. He doesn't know much Seamus suspects and how much he actually knows or if he even knows anything at all but it doesn't matter, not to his roiling stomach or his twisted-up, shredded nerves. He's lethargic with fear, too weak to do anything but sit on the edge of the bed and blink away the stinging in his eyes until this wave of lassitude rolls off him and silently seethe at how his father can physically drain him like this with just a few words.
"Bren?" Steven's soft voice floats through the door and he can't speak. If he could he doesn't know what he'd say. Help me. Make it stop. I need you. I love you. Please, please - just make it all go away. "Brendan, are you - "
He pokes his head around the door and pauses, then he's moving without any hesitation. He kneels on the carpet between Brendan's spread legs and cups both hands around Brendan's neck.
"What's 'appened?"
He doesn't even know what's happened. Something or nothing at all. All he knows is that he feels helpless and far-too-young and all-too-old all at the same time and he doesn't want to leave the safety of this flat or of his Steven.
"Nothin'," he says and it comes out strained but at least his voice is working.
"Don't look like nothin'."
"Just leave it, please."
Steven looks him over and opens his mouth like he might argue but then he seems to reconsider. Instead, he drags one hand down to rest over Brendan's thumping heart. "Fine. But you're not goin' anywhere for a bit, okay? Just stay with us for a couple more hours? I don't like the idea of you going back to him like this; all I'll do is worry, you know me."
The warmth of Steven's palm against him thaws through the ice he feels entombed in and he soaks it up and lets it restore him.
"Yeah, okay. Just a couple of hours."
"A couple of good hours?"
Brendan snorts a laugh, hurts the way it breaks through his swollen throat but it's good. "A couple of good hours."
They will be. He's here with Steven for their first Christmas together and he's not going to let his father take this precious thing away from him like he has so much else.
This time he wears the Christmas hat with pride.
"I think I can pull it off, actually," is what he says when he models it for Steven and the kids and Leah scrutinises him closely before telling him that he'd suit a blue one better.
His appetite is shot to bits but Steven makes the best damn puff pastry mince pies he's ever tasted and he eats two. He gets pastry flakes all over the sofa and Steven brushes him down and calls him a scruff.
"It's gotta be fate, though. Hasn't it?" Brendan asks him. Steven looks at him baffled from the floor where he's sat, cross-legged, with Lucas and Fireman Sam. "Me just happening to fall for a bloke who can cook?"
"It's a good job, innit?" Steven scoffs. "I know Cheryl wasn't gonna be cookin' for you for the rest of your life. She's pawned you off on me, now."
"And you're gonna cook for me for the rest of my life?"
Brendan watches him closely and he flushes ever so slightly pink and bites his bottom lip endearingly. He shrugs one shoulder and can't quite meet Brendan's eyes, goes on playing with his son, instead. Brendan's giddy off some weird Christmas high and slightly tipsy from two glasses of wine on a mostly empty stomach and he'd normally let it go but right now he doesn't really want to.
"Awww, Steven," he croons and pokes at Steven with his foot.
"Gerrof - "
"Forever and ever?" he asks in the same sweetly piss-taking voice. "Til I'm old and grey? Will you be bringing me sandwiches when I'm in my nursing home?"
Steven tuts and scoffs. "I'd never put you in a nursing home."
"What if I was a proper grumpy old bugger?"
"I would 'ave had plenty of practice, already."
"Thanks. Okay, what if I went mental?"
"How would I tell?"
Brendan pokes him again then full on shoves him over onto his back. "Will one of you jump on your dad for me again, please? He's just mean."
Both Leah and Lucas oblige him and Steven coughs and flails on the carpet with his two kids kicking and squashing seven bells out of him. Brendan watches from the comfort of the sofa and feels the familiar warmth of family wash over him.
He remembers Declan accidentally giving him a black eye on Christmas eve because he was that excited and hyped up on boozy Christmas cake and Brendan had caught his elbow right in the face trying to restrain him from bouncing off the walls. Eileen had laughed herself stupid and dragged him out dinner dinner at the pub with her sister and brother-in-law and told everyone that he'd come out worst in a fight with a nine year old.
He remembers Padraig setting fire to the bottom branches of the Christmas tree with one of those awful incense sticks Eileen used to light up everywhere. The whole house had smelled like a burned down church all Christmas day.
He remembers these things and they hurt like Hell but he watches Steven and Leah and Lucas and thinks about fresh starts and making new memories and the mistakes of his past are less of a burden to bear when Steven is so happy to share that weight with him. He pulls his phone out of his pocket and shouts down, "say cheese," and Steven groans and the kids gurn and grin and make stupid faces and Brendan can't seem to stop taking pictures.
He ends up with about fifty when they're done because Leah gets hold of it and wants to play photographer. She snaps the tree and all the decorations, makes Lucas pose with his toys and calls him 'darling' like he's a fashion model, does the same to Brendan because she think she looks great in his blue hat. She gets a bunch of him and Steven on the sofa together which he's pretty enamoured with if he's perfectly honest with himself.
He's kind of secretly counting down the days until he can put it as his wallpaper.
They stand at the door and Brendan shivers at the cold on his back.
"I told you that you can stay as long as you want," Steven says because he's been stalling in the doorway and all the freezing air is getting in.
"I know but I can't let Cheryl down, made a promise."
"Well, you know where I am if you need to get away."
Brendan nods and pulls Steven into his arms. He's warm and pliant and fits right in there like that space was carved out for him alone. Brendan buries his face against Steven's neck and breathes him in, tries to get as much of him committed to memory to carry with him out into the darkness.
"Merry Christmas," he murmurs softly into Steven's skin and seals it in with a kiss.
"Merry Christmas to you, too," Steven replies and Brendan can tell he's smiling so he pulls back because he wants to see.
"Wish I could spend the whole day with you," he tells Steven softly and a little sheepish. "First Christmas together and all that."
"Don't worry about it; there'll be loads more. All of 'em," Steven says with bright eyes and flushed cheeks and Brendan breathes a laugh, shaky and a little bit hysterical.
"Mmhmm," is all he can manage so instead he crowds Steven up against the door frame and kisses him, long and lingering, slow slide of their tongues together. He sucks Steven's bottom lip into his mouth, kind of wants to take it with him.
Steven fills him up with fire to fight with and adoration to make him loved and Brendan drinks it all in and holds it close, hopes it's enough to get him through the evening.
"Remember, you know where I am - "
"I know, Steven. Don't worry, okay? I'm fine. It'll be like every awkward Christmas meal where the families can't stand each other. I've had plenty."
"Okay," he says slowly, clearly doesn't really buy Brendan's attempts to put him at ease. "It'll be weird not wakin' up with you in the mornin'."
It really will and he doesn't want to think about it, doesn't want to think about waking up in the same house as his father.
"How about we take the kids out tomorrow? I never did get chance to treat Leah like a princess, did I?"
Steven gives him a blinding smile, pride written all over his face. "Actually, I asked Mike if he'd have 'em tomorrow. I thought you and me could spend the day together - just us."
"I think I can about manage that," Brendan says through a smile of his own.
"Good, I'll see you then."
"Love you."
"Love you, too."
He loves the easy way the words just roll of his tongue and come back to him. It's all he needs now, he has enough light in him to stem off the darkness for one night. He has a tomorrow to look forward to and a million Christmases and the warmth and laughter of family and the tingle of Steven's lips against his own.
He has an 'I love you' ringing in his ears and a baby sister to spoil and tonight not even his fathers corruption can penetrate that goodness.