Breaking Dawn, but better, a twilight fanfic

Disclaimer: I don't own Breaking Dawn or any part of the Twilight series . . . okay? I am a loser who's always on a caffeine high.

Book One: Bella

Hi! I'm Bella Swan. I'm pretty, pale, skinny, perfect, and have a hot immortal boyfriend! (With hot immortal brothers and dad!)

So anyway, I was driving the car my hot immortal boyfriend, Eddypumpkin bought me, because he's also rich.

I'm engaged to him, by the way, but I really don't want to be…I want to be a vampire…so I can be with him forever and ever and ever and ever! But getting married? I'm not in for that kind of commitment! That's just ridiculous!

I was driving around, showing off my car, so that all those stupid people would be jealous, which they were by the way. But that got really boring because the window's were too tinted to actually see anything out of.

I went back home, where Charlie was loading his shot-gun with silver bullets, sharpening his wooden steaks, covering the house with garlics, and hanging up crosses. "Hey dad!" I sang sweetly.

"Ugh. It's you. Is that there freak-boy, boyfriend with ya'?" he asked, spitting tobacco juice. He fired his gun at the life-size picture of Edward that I had super-glued to the wall. He shot it right between his pretty golden eyes.

"Daddy! You're ruining Eddypumpkin's face!" I cried, forcing myself between the smoking gun and the picture. "If you want to hurt Eddypumkin's picture, you have to kill me first!" I wailed, crying.

"I don't know where ya' got yer stupud genes, it ain't from my side o' the family, that's fer true." he spat his tobacco juice, lighting himself a new cigar.

My mother, Renée, ran down the stairs. "Bella! Bella! Bella! Guess what? I just traded Paul to the Pirates for Babe Ruth!" she squealed, clapping her hands. "I took another mortgage out on my house, to buy another house! I gave a pop-up of an talking moose my credit card number when I was on Ebay trying to buy Elvis Presley's teeth! Oh, oh, and I got an invitation to something called a 'KKK rally'…ooh! Maybe it's something like Mary Kay! I'll bring back samples!" She ran out the door.

Charlie cursed, and fired his gun at the life-size picture of Carlisle I'd super-glued to the kitchen wall.

"No! Daddy! Don't hurt Carlisle either! He's too pretty to die!" I shrieked, throwing myself between the gun and Carlisle.

"Dang it women! This be my house and if I feel like shootin' off that there doctor sissy, girly, pee-pants head, then that's what I'm gunna' do!" he yelled, trying to shoot at Emmett's picture, then Jasper's than James' than Laurent's. "Why do ya' even have those two! I thought they tried to be killin' ya' in the first two books."

"So?" I hugged James's picture. "They're pretty!"

"Bella?" Eddypumpkin's pretty voice drifted to me.

"Eddypumpkin! Quick Charlie! Help me hide these! If Eddypumpkin sees them, he might beat me again!" I cried, trying to hide them.

"Aw shuddup. The sooner ya' get married to th' freak boy, the sooner this here book can be through wit." He turned his gun to Jacob's picture, shooting it when I didn't stop him.

Eddypumpkin appeared in the doorway. "Hey Bella! Guess what? I invited the werewolves to our wedding, so when they step off the reservation, I can kill them! Doesn't that sound like fun?" he asked.

"Is it jus' me, or does yer boyfriend seem to be increasinly violent lately?" my white-trash father asked.

"What did you say? I am not violent! I am calm, caring, polite, blood-thirsty vampire! I am the perfect boyfriend! How dare you call me violent! I shall murder your entire family for saying that!" he yelled so loudly the glass in the window's shattered.

"Isn't he romantic daddy?" I swooned.

Eddypumpkin and I were married at the Cullens' house…a bunch of people came but the only ones I really remember were the dorks from school, some vampires Eddypumpkin didn't like as much as me because they were obviously not pretty, and some of the hairy wolf-boys from La Push.

Then Jacob came, and he was all "Hey Bella, you good for nothing jerk who likes a cold, unfeeling rock more than me."

And I was all "Jacob, you stink. You need new shampoo. You smell like wet dog."

And Eddypumpkin was all. "Ha, ha! You're a lonely bachelor!"

And then Jacob was all. "Yeah, well you're stuck with Bella…forever!" then he cackled, and Eddypumpkin stared at him, before bursting into tears, crying about how much he hates his life and how he is cursed forever and how he wishes he could die…I didn't get that part, so I left them there, and tried to flirt with Jasper, Emmett, and Carlisle, Jacob's dog friends, and all the other non-human guys. (By the way…Rosalie…totally jealous of me.)

"Time to leave for our honeymoon…dearest." Eddypumpkin started crying again on the last word.

"Okay. Where's the others who're coming?" I asked, looking around.

"…What do you mean?"

"You know…Jasper, Emmett, Carlisle, Jacob…"

"Bella…it's our honeymoon…just us." And he started wailing again.

"But…I thought that the other hot immortal guys were coming! You lied to me! You're a liar! You are a lying liar who lied for his own lying reasons to lie about lies when you lie in the likeness of liars!" I yelled.

"Please!" he begged. "Shut up!"

[Honeymoon edited for the…well duh.]

So anyway, one morning I woke up and was so fat, I jumped up in the air and got stuck! "Whoa Bella, you is fat. When did you become so fat as you is?" Eddypumpkin asked, trying to sound cool…and failing.

I shrieked, crying and hitting things with my fists. "Eddypumpkin! I am not fat! Stop calling me fat! I'm not fat!"

"You're fat!" he sang.

"No I'm not!" I shrieked, my voice squeaked like a monkey trying to whistle.

"Fatty fatty fattersons!"

"Shut up! Shut up!"

"You're so fat, you need to iron your pants on the drive way! You 're so fat, you sat on a quarter and a booger popped out of the president's nose!"

"I'm not fat!"

"You're so fat, you put mayonnaise on your diet pills!"

"Shut up!"

"You're so fat, you stepped in front of the sun, and caused a total eclipse!"

Book Two: Jacob

Hi. I'm Jacob. My life sucks because a girl doesn't like me. She and I would have been perfect for each other…well kind of. We both like to wallow in self-pity! Plus, everyone else in La Push, except that ugly weirdo girl Emily, has imprinted on someone…sure most of the time 'imprinting' and 'pedophile' are synonyms, but what cha' gonna' do?

Anyway, when I heard the news that Bella had returned, I decided to go kill Edward…not sure why, but I was kind of bored…and my sister's boyfriend ate all the chips.

I got on my motorcycle (formerly known as the 'Shark Bike' back when Lava Girl was my Bella…that was before she drank three gallons of kerosene, went to a gas station, got in a gas fight, and lit a cigarette, (Dang, why did all the girls I liked ended up as idiots?) and rode to the Cullens' house to kill them.

I don't know why I went alone, and screamed death threats when I was walking up to their door, but it seemed like a good idea at the time so, eh, what the hell.

"Knock, knock." I knocked on the door. "Who's there? Oh! It's Edward's death."

"Go away!" Edward sang from the inside of the door. "Bella is definitely not pregnant with a freak human-vampire baby that's trying to kill her!" he yelled.

I rolled my eyes, opening the door, and seeing Bella, pregnant with a freak human-vampire baby, that's was trying to kill her. I stared at her for a minute. "Huh. That's interesting. Buh-bye!" I called, running out to my motorcycle to tell the 'dawgs'.

The 'dawgs' decided that the abomination to reality didn't deserve to live, and were going to kill it when I decided Sam was lame, and broke up with them. I ran back to the Cullens's, still desperate for attention from Bella, and was followed by the losers, Seth and Emily. "Go away." I ordered them, turning my hairy wolf back to them.

"No." they answered.

"Fine. But you have to be my slaves."

"No."

"Fine!" I barked back. "Men—" I started.

"And Emily!" she yelled.

"Oh please." I rolled my eyes. "We all know you aren't a real girl." Then she lunged at my throat, trying to kill me. "Okay, okay, okay! You're a girl!" I whined.

"Good." She removed her teeth and claws from my vital dog organs.

"So anyway, we only have one option here folks…we have to kill Sam and bury him in the Cullens' back yard." I told them.

"That's sounds like fun." They agreed.

"Okay, you guys do that. I'm going to go hide in the Cullens' house. See ya' suckers!" I laughed, trying to run for cover. Emily pounced on me, and Seth started trying to bite my face off. Some team mates…these guys suck.

I was in the Cullens' house, eating all the food they had for some reason, while Bella drank pig blood, mixed with human blood, mixed with rabbit blood, mixed with Bambi's blood, mixed with ketchup and the mixed with ovaltine. She was gagging and throwing up almost all of it, but the vampires kept feeding it to her.

Now normally I would have stopped them and defended Bella, but she had chosen Edward over me, and it was pretty funny.

She eventually got so stressed she went into labor right there. "Darn you, Karma!" she screamed.

"Hey? Where's Carlisle? He was supposed to be on stand-by for when she went into labor." Edward looked around. "Dang it… okay, so who wants to deliver the baby?" he clapped his hands, looking for a volunteer, everyone cringed back. "Don't everyone stand up at once." He frowned.

"Why don't you do it Edward?" Alice challenged. "You're the father."

"You want these beautiful, perfect, model-like hands…to touch that?" he pointed to Bella.

"Help me! I'm having a baby!" Bella screamed in agony.

"Really? I couldn't tell." Rosalie exclaimed. Everyone laughed merrily, forgetting all of our woes…like the screaming pregnant Bella on the couch.

Book Three: Bella

I was dying when Carlisle came back from the super market, three hours later, and he groaned, taking the baby out, and tossing me to Eddypumpkin, telling him to hurry up and eat me…but I think he meant 'turn me into a vampire'.

So he did. But when he bite me, the cup of acid and nuclear waste he was going to force feed me next, spilled, right into my fresh wounds, and burned nearly killing me…again!

"Oops. Sorry about that Bella." He tossed the empty cup over his shoulder. I shrieked, shattering all glass and eardrums within twenty miles radius, until Eddypumpkin shoved a ham down my mouth. "Shut up!"

The transformation that usually takes about three days or so, then took about three weeks, with me screaming around the ham, and live cows, the whole time.

Then I got up. Eddypumpkin was staring at me, frowning. "What is it Eddypumpkin?" I asked in my perfect, pretty vampire voice.

"I was hoping when I made you a blood-thirsty vampire I'd be able to read all your secret thoughts giving you no privacy as long as forever. So I could get in your head, find your weakness and start working it, and working it, until I make you," he gasped, started to cry. "Hate yourself." he blubbered, falling on the ground in violent sobs.

I walked around, finding my freak baby I dubbed 'Renesmee Cullens' (which is a stupid name). But anyway, I was going to take my little Snookums, when Jacob snatched her away, his eyes glowing green. "Ick mine." He sneered, his skin changed to gray, and crushing the baby freak-child to his chest.

I stared at him for half an hour, until I got it. "Ew! Pedophile! Pedophile! I thought you loved me!" I wailed.

"But you married Edward!" he defended.

"So? You were supposed to wallow in self-misery for the rest of your existence and never get over me! You fool! You shall die for your pedophile-ness and the fact you do not know how to act when someone breaks up with you!" I grabbed a shovel and started trying to beat him over the head, but the others stopped me.

"Bella! Please! Stop being so stupid!" Alice grabbed me.

Jacob grinned deviously, cradling Renesmee, curling his lips into a smile. Then Charlie showed up. "Hey there Bella! Since when is yer eyes red?" he asked, unconcerned I was trying to kill people. "Jacob here has dun told me all about yer conditions…not that I didn't know er nothin', but it was nice to get a confirmation. Anyway, Bella, yer an idiot, and Jacob, get yer filthy paws off ma' granddaughter freak-child!" he yelled, shooting Jacob in the forehead…lucky for Jacob, he healed.

Charlie shot him a few more time though, until he writhed on the ground in pain.

[Some time later]

We were all sitting in the Cullens' living room, when Alice started screaming. "ARG! The Volturi are coming! The Volturi are coming! Call the fire burglar!" she screamed, running through the wall with Jasper.

"Great. Thank you Bella." Rosalie spat. "Once again you have put my family in danger!" she yelled, leaving with the others to find some people to kill the Volturi with.

[Time skiiiiiiip]

Everyone had assembled. The wolves, the vampires (everyone except sexy Jasper and his sister Alice), and my freak-child. The Volturi, an incredibly strong collection of the most skilled fighters, vampires with the best special abilities, and the most experience, not to mention old vampires ever. They were as old as dirt. As old as time. As old as the universe. As old as my grandma even! (If you can believe that.)

The three main Volturi, whose names I cannot be bothered to remember were trying to come up with some reason to kill us all. "Well you're all really annoying," he pointed out.

"Yeah, but people like us!" Eddypumpkin yelled.

"You can't go anywhere without seeing something Twilight," I pointed out.

"Which is why we have to kill you now." They all grinned.

But then Alice appeared with a full grown freak-baby, and hunky Jasper. "Hey we have a freak baby!" Alice called.

The Volturi stared for a moment. "Crap," They all muttered in unison. "Well we shall attack anyway!"

"But we have no powers due to Bella!" Jane yelled. She and Alec were standing helpless because of my super power that cancels-out, everyone else's mind powers. I smiled.

"Oh well. Time to leave Forks. So long everyone!" the Volturi, who were good now, smiled, skipping away singing 'Kum-ba-yah', giving money to orphans and widows all over the world.

"And Bella, Edward, the werewolves, and the Cullens, all lived happily ever after." The grandpa concluded, closing 'Breaking Dawn'.

"What?" the child screamed. "That was the dumbest ending I've ever heard! 'They all lived happily ever after'? Where's the battle? Where's the fight? Where's the excitement? I've been suffering through all of the 700 page books for nothing?" he demanded.

The grandpa sighed. "Okay, how about this?"

The Volturi smiled evilly, attacking our group. But with my power, we defeated them all, burning the pieces, but leaving those who choose good over evil—

"So you're saying, the skills of 3,000 year-old vampires, who've the best fighting force all that time, and scouring the globe can get, and they can be beat by a nineteen year-old girl who just became a vampire?"

The Volturi killed all the Cullens and the werewolves, but Bella, Edward, and their freak-child.

"Is that what you wanted to hear?" the grandpa demanded.

"Not quite."

"Fine!"

All of the Cullens and werewolves died. The Volturi won. The end.

"No grandpa, let me tell it."

The Volturi killed everyone but Bella, Edward, and Renesme…who lived happily for the next week, until Buffy came to town and killed them. But Charlie got his happily ever after, and chewed tobacco, watched football, shot guns, and drank beer the rest of his life. Until he got lung cancer.

But even in the hospital, dying of the gulf ball size tomber cursing his lung, heart, face, liver, kidneys, spleen, brain, feet, sofa, and moose-head, he was still happy...and chewing tobacco.

The End.

Don't you just love happy endings?

Edited by Poseida Lunar

~Zombies8Me~