Title: Just Like Air (Oneshot)
Disclaimer: "Tokyo Babylon", "X" and all characters and/or contents are belonged to CLAMP and their publishers. The author does not have any legal ownership of these works, and they are being used only as a fan fiction material. The only thing the author possessed is the plot.
Warnings: AU based story. Two men in relationship.
Spoiler: TB ending, X vol. 17
Notes: This is not my Seishirou. Don't understand how this comes out… Oh, and Seishirou is freak.
Status: Unbeated.
Summary: Seishirou's philosophy of love and need.
I didn't lie to him when I said that I didn't love him that day at the hospital.
The last words he said, as I broke his arm, made me confused. He said that he loved me, but I weren't too sure of that… Not that I would know because I have not ever fell in love before in my whole life for I knew.
Of course, I'm sure he admired me. A veterinarian, a work which was as close as what he could dream of, and grown-up to top it of which I'm pretty sure someone he would love to become someday. Oh, and I knew he adored me too. That cheerful veterinarian façade that I've been parading for this one year was very likeable, even for a polite boy such him. Especially for a polite and lonely boy such him. I've never been anymore glad when I broke his arm. Something akin to human emotion had finally appeared on his lovely face making all previous saintly expression I've encountered many times pale in comparison. Hurt… Betrayal… Anguish… Sorrow…
The person whom I made the Bet years ago was a human, not a saint. Nor an angel. At that moment, I felt, FELT, for the first time of one emotion I never knew I had. Relief. I was truly relieved to find out that he was a human.
But that was not enough. It was all a fake. The person that he thought he fell in love with was that veterinarian he knew, not me. Not that I blamed him for that, actually. Even I didn't know anything about myself.
---
A week later, I found myself in predicament. I've trouble breathing.
The attack was so rare and started so slowly I didn't even realize it at first. But as time passed by, the frequency had increased. That day was the first time I'm questioning my health.
And then, a week later, the girl came to me. I knew she would come eventually; after all the hint I've left for her, I'd be really disappointed if she didn't. As usual, she never failed to meet my expectation.
A moment later, my breath had returned to normal as I felt the mark was taking control. I knew he knew. There was no more twin for only one remained now. But I'm still having a difficulty in finding the connection between it and my breathing.
---
Was it possible to severely need someone without loving him? Yes, it was the same as breathing. One couldn't live without. But that didn't mean need to love.
You see, I've finally realized it. The boy was my air. Without him, I'm suffocated.
Nine years of suffocation.
Sometime I wished the problem would be resolved immediately by killing him. But no. I knew it would only get worse, if not worst. I'd be suffocated even in my demise, I'm sure of it. I hoped he shared this same suffocation too, or I'd really disappointed with it… Well, I brought this on myself, so I couldn't actually blame on anyone, especially if that anyone was him.
Wistful thinking was the sign of aging, or so I heard. Would he mind if I shared this suffering with him? Or, was he going to hate me even more if I did?
---
The first surge of relieved breath I've felt after nine years was the day when I met him again face to face.
The boy was no longer a boy, I thought as I looked at the beautiful young man he had became to. Such exquisite eyes. I felt rather proud for to be the one who made those emeralds glittered like that.
The saintly being he was before was still existed. I doubted it would never really gone away for that was part of him, but he looked more human now with only one wing attached, and the other one clipped away when the girl was gone years ago. This look was way suited him more than the previous one. Ah… And don't forget. Blood really suited him best.
I've several blissful and free of suffocating days after that.
---
The annoying part about air was it was beyond one control. No one was able to make stale air to fresh air, or vice versa.
And that was the reason why I felt rather offended by that puppeteer who spoke and mimicked perfectly my air. He mentioned something interesting about the young man he just marred.
I guessed tonight I'd be sleepless again.
---
The conclusion from my pondering was a bit… disturbing. I've to admit he was more complex than I thought he was, and made me realize how little I knew about him just like how little he knew about me.
So, I decided to share this suffocation with him at the fateful day in that fateful bridge. Truthfully, it was only on impulse. But I always on impulse whenever concerned him, didn't I?
The last thing I realized as I felt my lungs burst open in such relieved surge was it was raining. Not really, I realized it was tear. The same one when I betrayed him years ago, only this one was much more beautiful, and suffocating.
Keeping the image of perfection deeply inside, I noted with satisfaction how I've returned the same suffocation he had delivered to me. Or maybe more. He always way more emotional than me for all I knew.
I couldn't participate in his game of love for I'm incapable to love. My mother's philosophy was of no use for me, because the way she saw the world was not the same as mine.
The only pity I had as I felt such huge relief, and more of my blood drained away, was I could no longer watch him when both of his wings clipped away and he turned to become truly human. At the last moment, I realized that I was his other attached wing and felt rather… honored about it.
This was not love, I knew. But maybe, maybe this was the thing that could be as close as one.
Without him, I couldn't live. He was torturing me, even when he didn't realize it. With my death, I passed onto him my breath, my life, my title, my everything I could give to.
I didn't love him, but I did need him like a man needed air to live.
Isn't it enough for you, my Pleiades?
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