INCHOATE AMY:
The Introduction
Life is where my despair lives. The dampness of my deepest feelings. My hopes and dreams all wrecked into pieces, fallen in front of me. Waiting for my next move. What will it be? Making the right decision has never really been easy for me. All my memories and moments so far have been nothing but negative things. A negative life. I think of all the times I wished I could be perfect or somewhere close to it. But I don't want to waste my time trying to be something I'm not. I would rather be someone I liked. Someone I could depend on. Someone to be proud of. But there was only one thing or person that just kept getting in my way...
Me.
The drainage; where I never laid a foot or hand. Getting to know someone by reading about them can never really help to know that person. But it can teach you something. There should always be something to learn from a story. As a child I've known that. Ever since I was little, all I have known is pain. Pain with too much dept. My mother reflected that on me instantly associated by my father, whom I have never met. A man I was curious all my life to see since the moment I even knew anything of the term father. I had grown up in a childhood of life lessons. Don't we all? I learned not all are trustworthy. There will always be someone to try to put and bring you down. That is what I let happen to myself. I let everything and everyone get the best of me. My mom's death is where I finally took my toll on the bad road of hardships. My emotions kindred my soul. Not many people want to believe situations such as mine. Truth; they're real. False; people are right. Here I sit, in my room. Alone; usual. Out of place; high possibility. Being in my place has put upon my curiosity of what I think of myself. I did not like being in a rehabilation center. But it was here to better me. To cure my stupid decisions of the past. Right?
Ninety days to clear my head. Ninety days to enhance my intelligence of worthiness. Ninety days to tell myself, "Hey, don't drink anymore. Don't be a bad person who does drugs and alcohol then try to stop later on. You need help and you're getting it. Let it all be beneficial. You can achieve your aspirations in life. You can be who you want you to be." No offense but some days ago I found that whole statement to be a load of bull. I found out soon enough that I was right. While being in rehab did give a person a lot of free time. I used my time wisely. My passion and dreams were art and music. I know there are people everyday who wish to be a famous musician or a great artist, but I just wanted people to see me. In music and art I was able to express my feelings to others. It helped me talk to people. My key of communication with the world. Any faint idea of putting me down. I wouldn't and wasn't going to handle that lightly. In many ways I was still a screwed up person. I have grown with my harsh temper. Never having patience for anything. Sometimes I just felt so irritable that people took me to be rude. But honesty is my best policy.
No shame, no shame.
Thinking like I do I think of things outside of this place. Things from my world. I missed a lot of things. My old pick-up truck. My paintings. My guitar. My apartment. My goldfish. My Tuck. Yes, I have a love interest. Surprise you much? I bet you are wondering what a psycho like me would have a love interest for. Tuck was never my boyfriend, but he is the only person who ever really understood me. Tuck was out there. He was probably in Mexico with his cousin. He said he was going to do one last deal before he actually quit the "business". Tuck was a drug dealer. That is how I met him. To most people, Tuck was bad news. But it seemed only I really knew Tuck and Tuck is the only one who really knew me. He was deep and apart from the swearing he issued millions of time. He was flawless. In my eyes. Tuck wrote poetry. The kind I read and smiled about after reading it two or three times. He was the one who told himself and I that we needed to get our act together. The roads we were walking on were going to shrivel and bring us down with them pretty soon. That is how I ended up here. I asked to be in this place. Once called a prison, now a protector. A protector from my past. A place I did not want to enter anytime soon. But I missed Tuck and all those artificial things that mattered to me.
Amy Kelly. The one always willing to give her perspective. That's me. But today I was in a particularly good mood since today would be my last night at the rehabilation center in Wyoming. My downfall was the fact that Tucker wouldn't be back in town to come get me and now my family(my father's family) have decided to take me in. After all, I was only eighteen years of age but I had a GED, after dropping out of high school. My brain kept telling me to make the best of it but sometimes my negative attitude was just too attainable. So I shall just eat my small dinner and get ready before I rest in bed. Tomorrow was going be that day. Turning over a new leaf.