Who Are You?
Summary: Memories are all that's left of her… Ichigo regrets not having said anything to Rukia. Is it really over, or is it just another path towards heartbreak?
IchiRuki
Author-person: Haha. My writer's block is FINALLY gone. God, I swear I never want to go through those three months again.
All the books I had to read and all the music I had to listen to just to get even a teensy bit of inspiration… sigh.
Anyway, this is the first fic I've ever thought of posting… so I feel kinda nervous… ahaha… and I want to say sorry in advance for the OOC-ness, okay?
Hope you like this!!!
----
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach (I can only wish)…
It wasn't the first time he'd broken a girl's heart… the first was Inoue's… but never in a million years did he think that he was going to turn Kuchiki Rukia down.
She smiled, as if reassuring him that it was all okay. But Ichigo needed to be in a whole new level of 'idiot' to not see through her expression.
After all, he already knew enough about her.
She was strong and level-headed. She new her limitations, her strengths and always thought ahead before making the first move.
But he also knew that she was kind and sensitive and somewhere beneath that brash exterior was a fragile heart, so much like a ticking time bomb ready to explode.
"I can wait." She said with a slight shudder in her voice.
Ichigo still looked at her with that same, worried expression. "Rukia, I'm sorry…"
She raised a hand to keep him silent. "You've made your decision. I'm aware of that. But I just want you to know…"
"…that I'll wait."
And she smiled again.
----
It was raining… and the smell of damp grass hung heavily in the air.
"Rukia!!!"
The stinging sensation rolled throughout her body. Her eyes shifted from left to right in panic, her lower lip trembled and her fingers twitched uncontrollably. Rukia gave a cough and blood came up out of her mouth.
Dying… she'd never thought that she would have to endure that awful feeling for a second time. The feeling of closing her eyes and realizing that she would never wake up again was something she feared and wished would never happen.
Rukia let a soft moan escape her lips as it started hurting again. It was a white-hot pain that was spreading slowly and steadily from the wound. And even with the slightest movement, it felt like she was being stabbed with a sword over and over.
"Rukia!" said the familiar voice again. Someone leaned over to her.
Ichigo knelt down and carefully held Rukia in his arms.
The searing pain started again as he moved her body. Rukia clutched the sleeve of Ichigo's robe and gave out another moan.
The orange-haired shinigami held her tightly saying, "You'll be alright… I'll take you to Urahara's as quickly as I can." His voice was shaky… he was worried. And he fought the urge to hold her even closer.
"I was fine on my own! So why did you have to use your body as a damn shield?!" He searched frantically and looked over to the woods. He saw the Hollow retreating as fast as it could.
You know why, idiot…
Rukia looked up at him and shook her head.
She laughed weakly. Ichigo could do nothing but stare at her.
She was dying… but Rukia couldn't care less… as long as it was in the arms of the man she loved.
Yes, she felt awful… and sad. The mere thought of leaving everyone behind was unbearable but…
"…at least I get to spend my last few minutes with you." She said with a small smile. Ichigo continued to look at her in incredulity.
"You can't just-!"
"I waited, you know… I thought you'd be able to say it." She was breathing heavily now, almost gasping as she said the words. "I guess you weren't as brave as I thought." She laughed again and it sounded almost cynical.
How could she be so… happy?
"Stop saying stupid things, Rukia. Stop sounding as if you're gonna die… because I sure as hell won't let you."
You can't stop death … You know you can't…
"I never grew tired of hoping. When I told you my feelings that night, I hoped that you would open up to me as well… but you didn't… and I felt like I'd made a fool out of myself…"
He couldn't believe that she was saying all of this. Did she know? How? It wasn't like he had a sign pinned on his forehead. Or was it so obvious that she laughed at him whenever his back was turned?
He stared at her in bewilderment.
She smiled smugly.
Rukia lifted her hand up and put it to his cheek "Honestly… you're so transparent..." She felt heavier…
"Rukia!"
Her hand started to slip, leaving a streak of blood on his cheek "Oh…sorry…that was…stupid… of… me…"
For a moment, Ichigo couldn't hear anything anymore. He couldn't hear his own voice shouting her name over and over again. He didn't here the others coming… Renji yelling, Inoue screaming….
"You bastard!!!" Renji held Ichigo by the collar "I thought I could leave her to you! I thought I could trust YOU!!!" He gave Ichigo a solid punch in the face, sending the substitute shinigami to the ground.
But he couldn't feel anything anymore. He'd gone numb.
She was dead. Right there, on the grass.
It was too late… and he could do nothing about it.
If only he had told her earlier… if he hadn't been too scared to say how much he wanted to be with her…how much he wanted to hold her in his arms and show her how much…
…how much he loved her…
…maybe things would've turned out differently.
----
Rukia's funeral was held in Soul Society.
The captains, vice-captains, officers and ordinary Rukongai folk… they were all there grieving as they watched the blaze of the pyre.
Ichigo stood up front.
The sorrow in his eyes was almost indescribable. But the sadness he felt, he wondered if it was even close to what Byakuya was feeling.
The captain refused to go to the funeral. He knelt all day in front of his wife's shrine, staring at the photo of her, feeling failed and disappointed at himself for not keeping the promise he had made with her so many years ago. And even as Renji begged on his knees, he would not comply and would tell his vice-captain, "I failed as a son, as a husband and as a brother."
I'm so sorry, Hisana.
----
They were drenched in rain when they came into The Court of Pure Souls. If Captain Yamamoto saw them inside the sacred grounds in any normal event, looking like a pack of scrawny, soaked dogs, he would've blasted them off the halls the moment they stepped in.
He was infuriated when he came in through the double doors, banging them loudly in rage.
But when he saw Ichigo carrying Rukia in his arms, lifeless … he found no words. The grip on his cane loosened and the angered expression on his face faded almost immediately. After a long silence he motioned for his vice captain to call on the high-ranking officers.
"I am sorry." Was all he could say.
Ichigo looked at the old man's retreating back: Were his shoulders shaking? He then knelt down and laid Rukia on the cold floor of the hall. And in less a minute, the Gotei Thirteen had assembled, their puzzled expressions turned quickly into shock when they saw the deceased Kuchiki.
Byakuya stepped forward, eyes wide and his mouth half-opened.
"Rukia."
Ichigo heard the disbelief in the Kuchiki's voice. He had never heard that tone before. Byakuya's voice had always sounded monotonous, always slow, smooth and full of confidence. But now, he sounded as if all that confidence had been drained out of him.
The Clan Head walked toward him. Ichigo bowed low, his forehead touching the ground. His hands, no matter how much he tried to make them stop, continued to shake.
"Byakuya, it was-."
"She was not brightest shinigami."
Ichigo looked up and saw Byakuya staring down at his sister.
"She wasn't the best shinigami, nor was she the best sister. She often disappointed me and bent the rules of the Clan." He continued. Ichigo fought the strongest urge to stand up and draw out Zangetsu.
"..But…"
Byakuya stooped down slowly and gathered Rukia in his arms. He stroked her cheek gently, brushing her hair off of her face. She looks so much like Hisana.
"… I never regretted taking her in. She is my sister… and nothing will change that." His voice shook at the last syllable. There was a genuine sorrow in his eyes. And for the first time, Ichigo recognized Byakuya for who he was… an older brother, so much like himself.
----
After the fire had gone out, Ichigo still stood there and only after everyone had gone, did he look for Hitsugaya.
Instead, he found Captain Ukitake who was busy giving instructions to a small squadron. He saw Ichigo approaching and dismissed the other shinigami.
The captain looked as frail as ever… but he continued to wear that smile that made Rukia and his other subordinates adore him. Maybe it was because it made them feel so comfortable and so… safe. Captain Ukitake was a sickly man but behind that weak façade, Ichigo knew that he was incredibly strong. "Kurosaki-kun." He acknowledged, smiling weakly.
Ichigo bowed. He then, fumbled for something in his pocket and stretched his hand out to the captain. Ukitake tilted his head.
Ichigo held out his badge. "I'd like to resign from my duty as a substitute shinigami." He finally managed to say.
Captain Ukitake took the badge hesitantly, still unsure if he was going to accept the resignation. He stared at it for a moment, and then tucked it away into his coat.
"Are you certain?"
"Yes."
The captain looked at him and sighed. He thought hard for a reason to make Ichigo reconsider, but he failed miserably. The boy had made his decision, and no matter how high his position was, Ukitake had no power over the young shinigami… or ex-shinigami for that matter.
He nodded and heaved another sigh.
"If it's not too much to ask, I'd like to make a request." Ichigo said as Ukitake was about to leave.
"Of course. What is it?"
"I'd appreciate it very much if… you didn't erase my memories… as well as the memories of my friends who had known Rukia."
The captain's eyes widened. Ukitake had originally planned to erase Ichigo's as well as his friend's memories once they had set foot in the Senkai Gate. He felt that the memories he had of Rukia wouldn't allow him to move on and so the captain considered the thought. But hearing this personal request from Ichigo himself, he had no choice but to respect the boy's wishes.
He nodded again. "All right."
"Thank you."
Ukitake knew it was a stupid question to ask, but just for the sake of knowing he said, "Why?"
Ichigo blinked, then grinned. He rubbed a hand awkwardly on the back of his neck. "It's all I have left of her. I don't want to have to lose her and forget everything we've been through."
When he said that, Ukitake realized just how Rukia meant to Ichigo.
"You really do love her."
"Yes… I do."
----
Renji sat on the roof of the Sixth Squad's Headquarters. He wasn't angry. Not anymore… just… upset.
He recalled having said all those harsh things to Ichigo and was disgusted with himself. He didn't have to put everything on Ichigo's shoulders… he could've helped. He could've gone out immediately after Rukia had given him a call… but he didn't. He took his time before leaving… and he wasn't at all worried about the low-class Hollow that lurked in the park… despite knowing how Rukia was feeling and how she was in no condition to fight.
That day, she cried into his chest like a child. Renji knew why, but he refused to say a word.
He wondered, why any man in his right mind, would turn someone like Rukia down. He knew that Rukia wasn't perfect and that she had her shortcomings. For one, she had that unbelievably bossy attitude that often drove him and Ichigo nuts. She also wasn't the most strikingly beautiful girl around… but she was pretty enough. And there were definitely times where she acted nothing like a girl and made Renji feel like he was talking to a boy in a dress.
She was only human after all.
… Or at least she once was.
Despite all that, Renji also knew that he loved her. Not just as a friend, even more than that. But he was also painfully aware that if told her, the friendship they've kept for so long would be ruined…and he didn't want to take that risk. So he kept quiet and shut his own emotions in. Only he would know at least, and he would just be satisfied being with her, drowning in her smile and in her eyes and everything else he loved about her.
Renji woke up from his daydream when he heard the rustle of leaves and the soft clunking of the roof tiles behind him. He looked over his shoulder and said in a slow, dragging voice, "Oh, it's you."
"Hey."
He could see the effort Ichigo was making to avoid meeting his eyes. He was still ashamed. He damn should be. Then, he felt bad again. It wasn't just Ichigo who was in the wrong after all. But why did he feel so mad whenever he saw that bright orange hair, or those annoyingly furrowed brows? Come to think of it, he often got mad at Ichigo even before Rukia's death. The mere sight of the guy would make him grit his teeth or clench his fists.
Then it hit him. Ahh…jealousy.
"Listen, Renji… I-…" Ichigo rubbed the back of his neck, looking away.
Then he snapped.
"Don't even think of apologizing! Stop blaming yourself, goddammit!"
Renji stood up and turned to face Ichigo. "It's just that… that's what Rukia would say if she saw you right now. You'd make her feel sick." That's what she would definitely say.
"Yeah, you're right." Ichigo grinned a little. "I guess you know more about her than I do after all. She should've loved you instead, you know. You're a nice enough guy… and I know you'd never hurt her." He won't. He definitely would've taken care of her.
The red-haired shinigami went pink around the ears "Shut up!!! She chose you over me didn't she?! You love her and she loves you. I don't have any right to interfere!" He suddenly grew silent, realizing what the things he said sounded like.
Ichigo stared again. "So you-…?"
Renji grew pinker. But he wasn't going to hide it anymore. He had no reason to.
"Yeah."
Ichigo smiled. Renji coughed awkwardly.
"So… what're you waiting for?"
"Huh?"
"Shout it out. I'll let you off just this once..." Ichigo smirked and joined his friend's side.
Renji looked at the view. The whole of Soul Society would probably hear him. Heck, Byakuya probably would.
But he didn't care.
In a loud, no-holding-back voice, he yelled to the whole world…
"I LOVE YOU, KUCHIKI RUKIA!!!"
----
It's been a two months since Rukia's death and Ichigo's resignation.
He still couldn't get any proper sleep and spent most of his nights staring at the closet. She isn't there, idiot.
School wasn't exactly the best place for him either. The fact that she wasn't remembered by Keigo and Tatsuki and Mizuiro or anyone else outside of their group annoyed him even more. He missed her so much that when he'd look at the empty armchair she used to sit in, he could still see her. She shuffled papers, wrote notes and raised her hand during recitations… but at the end of the day, it turns out that the chair had been empty all along and he would realize that he had no one to walk home with.
Inoue was worried about him. He'd turned her down, but the feelings for Ichigo never disappeared. They were as strong as before, if not, even stronger. And as cruel as it may sound, Rukia's death gave a certain hope for her. A silver lining. But that didn't change the fact that she had lost a very important friend.
"Kurosaki-kun, are you okay?" She said. She'd bought juice and offered it to him.
Ichigo took it from her and muttered "Yeah."
He stared at the juice and remembered how he first taught Rukia to drink using a straw.
He shook his head and grinned at Inoue. "Thanks… but I don't want it."
"It's Rukia-chan isn't it?" Inoue said without thinking. She put a hand over her mouth and looked away. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-…"
"It's okay. Recently… it's all been about her."
Inoue felt her heart sink to her stomach. She had no hope after all. Not in a million years. Ichigo loved Rukia, and nothing could ever change that. No one could ever change that. Still, she forced a smile and refused to cry in front of him. "I don't blame you. Rukia-chan is a great person. And she's someone very special." And I would never have been able to replace her in your heart.
Ichigo looked at her thoughtfully. He was aware that she was faking a smile and that she was hurting inside. But he knew better than to humiliate her. She was being strong, and Ichigo admired her for that.
"Thank you."
"You're welcome."
----
That night, the Kurosaki family ate silently at the table.
Ichigo played with his food, barely eating anything.
There was an empty seat at the far end of the table. It was where Rukia often sat and he stared at it.
Yuzu was the first to notice how Ichigo's behavior had changed since two months ago. She decided not to ask him about it, but tonight was different. She had to know. He was acting weirder and weirder and she was afraid that something might happen to him if he continued to be that way.
"Nii-san, are you okay?" She asked him in a soft voice.
"Hn." He answered absent-mindedly as he continued to poke his steak.
Karin was pissed and banged her fist on the table. Ichigo looked at her. She mouthed 'Idiot' at him and continued to eat.
Isshin wasn't at all in the dark. He knew what had happened to Rukia and why Ichigo was acting the way he did. But he figured that maybe it wasn't the best time to start anything with his son. He was aware how upset the boy was. He of all people should know how hard it was to lose someone important, someone he loved more than his own life. All Ichigo needed was time. And Isshin was willing to give him just that. But he'd have to exercise a lot of self control… it had been months since he had given his son a kick in the face and he was missing it…badly.
Yuzu noticed what Ichigo had been looking at. "Where is Rukia-chan by the way? Has she found a new apartment to live in?" she asked.
Ichigo told them that Rukia moved out. Said she felt like a free-loader and didn't want to be a burden to the family. Yuzu protested, of course, saying it was absurd of her to think that way. Rukia was practically part of the family now, and Yuzu insisted on letting her stay with them. Every so often she asked for a contact number, but each time she did, her brother acted like an ass and refused to give any info.
"Dunno."
He wasn't really in a talking mood. Well, he hasn't been for the past couple of months. And Karin was getting irritated by that attitude. Sometimes she would be brave enough to slap her brother on the back of his head. He would groan and mumble but would act as if nothing happened.
"Stop being such an ass, will you?" She said.
Ichigo sighed and stood up. "I'm going out."
Karin started shouting 'words' at him. He ignored her and closed the door at her face. Ichigo was glad she didn't follow and thanked whoever had held her back.
He sat on the porch for a few minutes, just looking at the other houses across the street and at the stars that shone brightly in the night sky. He stretched out, stood up and started walking. He was only a few steps out of the yard when he stopped to stare at that spot. The spot where he was first turned into a shinigami. It brought back so many memories of her. She saved his life back then, even though he was a complete stranger. And for a long time, he just looked at the same spot, replaying the same scenes over and over in his head.
He heard footsteps from behind. But he ignored it until it stopped.
"Excuse me… but… you're in the way." A voice said.
Ichigo froze. That voice was familiar. All too familiar.
He spun around to see who it was.
Holding some grocery bags, and wearing a pastel blue dress was a person he'd been wanting to see for so long.
Rukia stood in front of him, smiling a little.
Rukia.
Rukia.
Rukia.
It really was her.
"Rukia, you're… you're really here. How? When?" All sorts of questions flooded his head. "Has Renji seen you? Does Byakuya know you're here?
Ichigo came closer to her. He wanted to hold her in his arms and kiss her. He wanted to say how much he missed her, how many sleepless nights he had thinking of her and waiting for her to jump out of his closet.
But he didn't expect her reaction. She stepped back, her smile fading almost too quickly. She was scared and was looking at him warily.
"Rukia?" He swallowed a lump in his throat. What's wrong with her?
"My name is Rukia… but… I don't think we've ever met before. I just moved here." She said in a trembling voice.
Ichigo froze on the spot, and stared at her with wide eyes.
"Er… Excuse me but…" She tilted her head to the side.
"…Who are you?"
…..
END
Author-person: Ha! In your face writer's block! If you think this story is good enough… and if it gets enough reviews, I might make a much longer sequel… I'm not really that proud of it… It isn't even good. But I feel happy that I finished a fic (finally)…