Hi! This is my first Animorphs fanfic. I'll also attempt humor. It's narrated by the Emperor, Edrian 4687, aka Ed, and takes place in the same time and place as Sinister Shadow's Visser 3's Diary. You should read that also!
Dear Diary,
My name is Edrian 468. Call me Ed. No one calls me Edrian. Well, actually, no one except the Council of 13 knows my real name. They just call me Emperor, my lord and stuff like that. Yes, Emperor. Surprised I'm not evil sounding? Yes you are, I know. Everyone expects me to be super-evil. But I'm not. I don't even know how I became Emperor, one day I'm Visser 12, and the next day, I'm Emperor! And I'm quitting. Yes, I am. I hate being Emperor.
So anyway, I was chatting with my host, Kenrir, and dyeing my hair, temporarily, golden-blonde. Why? Kenrir and I are friends. He's cool. He knows I'm planning to be part of the Peace Movement, so he doesn't complain. Yes, I'm the Emperor and I'm planning to be part of the Peace Movement.
I was dyeing my hair because as I told Kenrir many times, I don't want to be Emperor. I want to be able to talk to someone with my mouth without only saying a letter before they decide what they want me to say, and cut in. Yes, that happens. What a surprise. And if I dye my hair blonde, I could pretend to be Visser 12. I'm in that position as well as an Emperor. And all I need to do is dye my hair blonde. Kind of sad, actually. All I need to do is dye my hair, and no one will recognize me. I could commit crimes in full view of a crowd, and no one would know it's me, though not a lot of people know what I look like. And they call me their Emperor.
Are you going to ask that hot girl, Allie, soon? Asked Kenrir, teasing me. Allie is one of my best friends when I disguise myself as Visser 12. She's my Personal Assistant, and only she and my other best friend know that I don't live in Visser 12's rooms. Though neither of them know where it is I do live. My other best friend is Iniss. Yes, Iniss 226. And Kenrir, being my host, thinks that I fancy Allie. But I don't. She's just my friend! I don't fancy her!
"Shaddup," I said, as part of our ritual. He teases me, I say shut up, he teases me, I yell, he wins.
It's not my fault you love her, said Kenrir innocently. If he wasn't my host, I'd punch him right about now.
"Shut up!" I yelled, but quietly, or all of my twelve bodyguards will think that someone is assaulting the Emperor and barge in here, but then they won't recognize me, and they'll drag me off to court for kidnapping the Emperor.
This time Kenrir did shut up, but made up for it with a smug silence that could have driven me insane. We sat silently, waiting for the dye to dry.
"It's dry," I said about five minutes later of the unbearable smug silence.
About time. This dye is really slow. Don't the people who made this dye know that the Emperor is waiting to hurry to his love?
"Kenrir? Shut…up." I said calmly. That's the upgrade of being an Emperor. You get to learn how to talk in a very cold tone that sends chills up people's spines.
Surprisingly, Kenrir did. He usually talks too much for everyone's good. He's nearly as insane as Iniss, I decided.
I went out the secret back door. Actually, it's not that secret, but since no one goes into my room, not even bodyguards, no one knows it exists. Except me, Kenrir and all the past Emperors.
I came out in the abandoned hallway. Since it's right behind my suite, it's jinxed. Because, you see, the bodyguards accuse everyone of assaulting the Emperor. Me. And since I can't get any word in it, everyone who's found behind my suite gets executed. And I got no word in it, because I'm the Emperor.
I walked and walked and walked. My rooms are on the top floor. Well, actually, my rooms are the top floor. They're the biggest in the whole ship. By the time I got down, it was quite understandable that I was panting.
I was almost at my room's door when I bumped into Iniss. He was red in the face and panting.
"Hi!" He said, when he spotted me. Apparently he ran all the way up here to talk to me. Insane.
"Hey," I said, refusing to stoop to the levels of hi. "So, what's up?"
"Visser 3 watched the Visser 1 tapes I made!" he said in genuine excitement. I snorted. Visser 3 watching Visser 1 tapes? Not possible. As possible as Visser 1 flirting with Iniss.
"No, he did!" said Iniss, hearing the snort. "Not that he had any say in the matter…he had the Andalite sickness yeyeyeyeyeyeye. That's when the Andalite that has the sickness can't move or thought-speak."
"Yeah, right." I snorted. Andalites did not have this sickness, and if they did, they would never call it the yeyeyeyeyeyeye.
"I've got a tape to prove it!" said Iniss, not missing a beat. He went into my rooms and shoved a CD into my computer. I hurried after him, worried about my room's well being.
I looked at my computer's screen. It was showing Visser 3 frozen, and Iniss moving a lot and pointing to a screen. On the screen there was Visser 1 and Councillor 8 making out.
"Ugh, did I have to see that?" I asked. Strangely, I do not find people kissing interesting. Iniss looked at me strangely.
"Don't you find people kissing interesting?" he asked.
"No," I said shortly "That is violating their privacy."
What Iniss was going to say to that I'll never know because that moment Allie walked in. Her real name was Allian 8566 (she has a twin), but, like me, she preferred the name Allie. Allie had brown hair and intelligent blue eyes. We all had blue eyes. Allie told me that one day, she would like to be a Visser, just like Visser 1. Visser 1 is Allie's hero, the first female Visser ever.
"Hi, Ed!" she said, grinning. "Hi, Iniss! What's up?"
Before I had a chance to open my mouth, Iniss started talking.
"The day after tomorrow is Visser 3's birthday! And I'm going to give him a gift, but I have no idea what. Any ideas, please?"
By the way, he said that really fast. I hate when he says stuff really fast. Makes me practice my self-control by not strangling him.
"A cake," I said in the gap where he took another breath.
"Thanks Ed, great idea, now what cake am I going to make for him? Hmmm, he likes oatmeal, but it's not really a cake if it has oatmeal, so I can't make it oatmeal, how about vanilla, I guess he likes vanilla but I'm not sure, who can be sure, he's Visser 3, ah, I got it, I'll make him a chocolate cake, everyone likes chocolate cake, and I'll also get to eat a lot of chocolate. Perfect."
Of course, he said it all in one breath, really fast. My hands were twitching out of control by now.
Let…me…at…him… Said Kenrir. If he had control of his teeth, I'm sure he'd clench them.
Kenrir hates Iniss talking this way as much as I do.
"Iniss. STOP!" I yelled.
"No problem Ed, ok, I will, I will stop talking very soon, oh and by the way did you know the Emperor promised to give Visser 3 a present that improves his skills? Mr. Loud-and-Nasal mentioned it to me, though I never said it to Visser 3, I don't want to ruin the surprise-"
Oh, great. I forgot to buy Visser 3 a present. Now I have to go to the shop and get him something. NOW!
"Gotta go, guys, see you later!" I yelled, rushing out of the room. I saw Allie waving goodbye and Iniss still talking. He never even knew that I was gone. That dapsen. I actually began to feel sorry for Visser 3. He has to put up with Iniss 15 hours a day and 7 days a week. Poor guy. I can hardly stand Iniss 2 hours a day, 2 days a week. Though he is my best friend. I wonder why. He annoys me like there's no end and I see that I bore him like there's no end.
I was passing Visser 3's rooms when I thought, why not ask him what his skills are? Than I could remember what his faults are. Why am I so hyped up to buy Visser 3 a present, by the way? Iniss must be rubbing off on me. That's a scary thought.
The door was open. Weird. Why would Visser 3 leave his door open? That wasn't like him. That wasn't like him at all.
I went over to investigate. Quietly. I'm too young to die. I'm only 28.
Visser 3's bedroom door was open. Weird... I looked in. And quickly ran back.
I looked in again, to make sure I wasn't seeing things. I wasn't. There, on Visser 3's bed, Visser 3 was in human morph, kissing Visser 1. The Yeerk he hated. Still does, I guess.
But why was he kissing her? I guess they ate too much oatmeal. Still, they looked like they were enjoying it. Enjoying it a lot. And I have studied that even if you eat too much oatmeal, you only kiss someone and enjoy it if you love that person. Which leads me to the conclusion that Visser 3 and Visser 1 love each other, though they deny it.
Which meant that someone would have to get them together. And I don't know anyone who knows they love each other except for me. Which meant I would have to get them together.
I tiptoed out of the room. Thankfully, they never noticed me. If they did, I'd probably end up in court for spying, then a Councilor would come, recognize my voice, and realize I'm the Emperor. Then everyone in the Court Room would find out I'm the Emperor, and chaos would begin.
I went up to my room and collapsed on my bed. I was tired. Really tired.
Until I come back,
Edrian 468
What did you think of this chapter? Review! And thanks to Sinister Shadow, who edited this!