In the Belly of the Beasts

Chapter One:

Always Read the Fine Print

(that is, if you can find it)

The world had been a different place at the time of his birth. He remembered the grass once being green, the sky once blue, the clouds once white. He remembered the mountains used to be taller and the valleys less deep. He remembered the forests of the Fire Country, the deserts of the Wind. He remembered the lakes and the rivers being clear or sometimes the greenish hue that told of the life living just beneath the surface. He remembered the bright, clear, and often annoying bird chatter, the bark of the dog, the hiss of the snake. He remembered people. They used to be everywhere, so numerous in number escaping them became increasingly more difficult. He remembered their smiles and joy, their tears and their sadness. He remembered them joking with each other, tossing their heads in laughter. He remembered them mourning one another as they gathered around hunks of stone and talked about 'the good times.' He remembered how they looked as they took their last breaths; some were calm, some scared, some confused. He remembered so much about the world as it was. So much about the people that were.

But the world had changed a lot since his birth. The grass was brown and dead, the sky was gray, the clouds were black. The mountains had been reduced to rubble and the valleys became dark, untold holes in the world. There were no forests, and the desert was no longer confined to the Wind Country. Most of the rivers ran dry, and the lakes where brown and disgusting. The animals were dead. There were no more people. They were nowhere. There was no more smiles or joy, no more tears or sadness. There were no jokes to be told and no loved ones to be mourned or stones to mourn them by. There were no 'good times.' They had all taken their last breaths and ceased to be. The world and the people were nothing but memories.

"Do you always refer to yourself in the third person?"

Sasuke stopped writing to glare at the monstrously giant raccoon-dog standing behind his shoulder. "Do you mind? I'm trying to write the story of my life."

"And what an interesting tale that must be," Shukaku said, sitting down near the Uchiha. "Why bother anyhow? Not like there's anyone around to read it. In case you haven't noticed, everyone's dead. Well, except you and us." He gestured to the other eight huge demons standing around them, all looking very bored.

"Of course I've noticed," Sasuke snapped at the demon. "In fact, I was just writing about that very point before you interrupted me. Now shoo, or I'll never finish."

There were exactly ten living things remaining on the planet that was. There were the nine great demons, the beasts of magnificent chakra. Before their species died out, the people used to fear these creatures. They often tried to kill them, but such a feat was not an easy thing. Instead the beasts were sealed away within a human host, a jinchuuriki. And these unfortunate vessels became the embodiment of that fear and were hated and rejected by the people around them. Eventually, a group arose that called themselves Akatsuki, and they rounded up all the beasts in one place, where they were eventually chained to a man. The man that would later become the tenth living thing that remained on the planet that was. That man was the 'Demon Master,' the 'Second Sage of Six Paths,' the 'Monster of Monsters': Uchiha Sasuke.

"Oh please, the 'Second Sage of Six Paths?' As if." The great tanuki snorted as Sasuke turned to glare at him. "That guy was, like, God. You don't even compare."

"I didn't pick the name," the Uchiha hissed between his clenched teeth. "I'm just writing down what the people used to call me."

"Well, I don't remember anyone calling you that," Nekomata, the Nibi, called from a couple hundred feet off. "The 'Monster of Monsters' I heard a few times, and that crap 'Demon Master' title maybe once. But I don't remember that one. And besides, if your just writing what people used to call you, there's a fair few terms you're forgetting. Like 'bastard,' 'traitor,' 'brat,' 'idiot,' 'jerk-face…'"

"Yeah, well, it's my history, I get to edit it all I want."

"So, are you admitting you just made up that whole 'Second Sage' bit?" Shukaku asked. "You know, 'edited' it in?"

"No, that one was real!"

"I don't really remember it, either," Raijuu commented pensively.

"No one asked you, Rokubi!" Sasuke grumbled. "Now shut up, all of you. I'm trying to write. Next time I hear anything, I'm going to Sharingan your ass." He gave Shukaku a particularly nasty look.

Those then were all that remained on the planet that was, Uchiha Sasuke and the nine demons: Shukaku (the Ichibi), Nekomata (the Nibi), Isonade (the Sanbi), Sokou (the Yonbi), Houkou (the Gobi), Raijuu (the Rokubi), Kaku (the Shichibi), Yamata no Orochi or Hachimata (the Hachibi), and the Kyuubi no Youko (the Kyuubi).

"Uchiha?"

"Shut up, Shukaku."

For years and years those ten remained, untouched by time. The Demon Master's Eternal Mangekyou Sharingan combined with the demons' bond to him kept him alive, untouched by time. They all shared their immortality on the empty planet, forever remaining in an existence that contained only the memory of life.

"Hey, Uchiha."

"You too, Neko. God, why can't you all just be quiet for ten freaking minutes?"

Over time, the Uchiha lost his hatred and, as some of the demons liked to say, became more 'snarky.' Perhaps time had healed his wounds. Or maybe he just spent too much time around Shukaku.

"Uchiha."

The low, menacing growl of the Kyuubi caused him to turn. Only the nine tailed fox, out of all his demon company, was able to intimidate him. He also wasn't one to engage in the other's meaningless teasing, which made the Uchiha all the more surprised. But he saw that the Kyuubi wasn't even looking at him, but rather at something else. He followed his eyes and was met with the vision of perhaps the last thing he'd expect to see.

"Hello, little brother."

And there stood the Uchiha Genius, the Genius of Geniuses, the Ultimate Prodigy, the Pride and Destroyer of the… 'Okay,' Sasuke shook his head. 'Way too much dramatic flair. All that history writing must be getting to me.' It's Itachi. As in dead Itachi. Huh, weird. Maybe he's a zombie. Or it could be that Nekomata's just playing around with dead people again. Maybe he'll make him dance…

"Little brother?"

"Hm? Oh, sorry, just thinking. To what do I owe the pleasure of this miracle?"

"That would be the God of Death. He wants me to tell you that he misses you and if you'd only give him one more chance he swears he won't cheat on you with that dead hooker ever again… oh wait, wrong message. He wants me to tell you to hurry up and die already."

"What?"

"I believe his exact words were 'DIE, GODAMMIT!'"

"Oh. Well, I can't. Really. Eternal and all that. Tell him I'm very sorry about that. Oh, and I don't care how much he pleads, I'm not taking him back. He and that hussy can go at it for all eternity for all I care."

"But he's really sorry."

"No," Sasuke shook his head.

"Anyway, he said he won't take no for an answer."

"He can't force me to love him!"

"Huh? No, I'm talking about the other thing."

"The whole dying thing? I already told you, it's not that I don't want to or anything, but I just can't. You see, when I became eternal and all, there was this clause about how 'nothing on earth can kill me.' So, you see the problem."

"Yeah, but I'm dead, ergo not part of the Earth, Duck Butt. I can kill you."

"But I thought you loved me. You loved me so much you were willing to put all of Konoha at risk because my life was more important to you than the entire village…"

"I got over it."

"And so you sacrificed- wait, what?"

"I got over it. I mean, come on. You've got to be the worst brother ever. I gave up everything for you and what did you do? You killed me. I can forgive that, because after all I did cause you permanent psychological damage and didn't tell you I was one of the good guys and actually had a decent reason for killing everything that mattered to you. But even after you found that out from Madara, that untrustworthy dink, you went and attacked Konoha. You knew I gave up everything for you but you wouldn't even respect my dying wish. You suck!"

"I… I don't even know what to say."

Itachi sighed, a little winded from his small speech. "But instead of killing you, I'm going to offer you a one-time only deal just because I love you so much."

"I thought you hated me."

"Where'd you get that idea?"

While Sasuke was distracted talking to his dead brother, Shukaku and some of the other demons took the liberty of 'editing' Sasuke's history.

"So what is this deal?"

"We're going to turn you into a Peggy Sue."

"But I'm already perfect."

Itachi burst into laughter, a fairly odd sight to Sasuke seeing as how all the Uchihas ever did was brood or angst. "You, perfect? Honey, I'm perfect. And besides, you misunderstood my meaning. Peggy Sue, not Mary Sue."

"I don't know what that is."

"It means you're going to travel back in time."

"Why would you want me to do that?

"Because if everyone is dead there are no babies born and therefore no more people to kill. And the God of Death gets very lonely without any people to kill. And without you. Are you sure you won't take him back?

"I've put my foot down, Itachi. I just can't be with someone so emotionally unavailable."

"You're the definition of emotionally unavailable."

"I know. And there just isn't enough room in a relationship for two Emo Princes. He'll cramp my style."

Meanwhile, the demons were discovering that writing was rather difficult when the pen is about four inches long and the hand holding said pen is about twenty feet long. Add that with no thumbs and your just in for a disaster.

"You don't think he'll notice, do you?" Shukaku whispered

"Of course not," Raijuu assured him.

"So, what exactly am I supposed to do?" Sasuke asked. "I mean, once I'm all time-traveled."

"Save the world, duh." Itachi rolled his eyes.

"Save the world."

"Yup. So how 'bout it?"

Sasuke blinked. "And what exactly does the whole saving the world thing entail?"

"Geez, how many questions are you going to ask? Look, just stop the Akatsuki from capturing all the tailed beasts and your job is pretty much done. Oh, and stop Jaraiya from dying. The God of Death is a big fan and wants to make him immortal so he can continue writing Icha Icha forever, but with him being dead and all it's kind of difficult. And on that note, please don't kill me again. It's embarrassing enough to have lost to you once already."

"So you want me to kill the entire Akatsuki single-handedly."

"Yes. But if you're too lame to, you don't have to do it yourself. We're sending you back to before you turned into a giant prick and left the village. So you can get some of those guys to help you. And, of course, you can use the catch to help you out, too."

"The catch? There's a catch?"

"Well, yeah. All deals with the devil come with catches. That's like a rule or something."

"So what is this catch?"

"I'm not going to tell you. What fun would that be?"

Sasuke glared and his eyes turned crimson, but Itachi just shook his head smirked. "I'm dead, remember little brother? You can't kill me."

"I can torture you though, right?"

So while Sasuke tortured his brother, the demons gave up on fixing the mess they made out of the histories and decided to just burn them instead.

"I'll never tell you the catch!" Itachi yelled, panting.

"Do it, or I'll have Nekomata make you dance."

Itachi gulped. "D-Dance?" Sasuke smiled. "O-Okay, okay! I'll tell you. The catch is – oh! Would you look at the time? Gotta go." And then, in a feat of brilliance, in a puff of smoke, in a dash of potpourri… Wait, that doesn't make sense… oh, screw this, he left, alright?

"Oh whatever." Sasuke turned around and marched back to his histories, or the pile of ash that they had turned into. "Huh?" He turned to look at the demons, one of them looking particularly guilty. Of course, that one was Shukaku. Who else? "What did you do?"

"N-nothing…" Shukaku looked to the others, none seeming to eager to step in.

"Hm? What was that?"

"I didn't do anything, I swear!"

"Did I hear you right? Did you say you wanted to talk to the Sharingan?"

But before Sasuke had a chance to activate his bloodline limit, the always dreary, gray sky suddenly turned a radiant purple, and a giant head made of smoke appeared. "Uchiha," a voice called.

"Well, that's new," Houkou muttered, looking at the strange head.

"I am the God of Death, Uchiha. I'm so pleased you accepted my offer."

"Huh? Wait, I didn't accept anything."

"Shut up, you're doing this whether you want to or not. Unless you want to go to hell?" The giant smoke-head laughed as Sasuke glared at it.

"See, this is why I don't love you anymore."

"Bitch."

"Wait, what's going on, exactly?" Shukaku looked from the giant head to Sasuke in confusion.

"They're going to send Sasuke back in time – Geez, weren't you listening?" Kaku shook his great, white head.

"So what's going to become of us?" Isonade asked.

"Oh, that's all explained in the catch."

"Dammit," Sasuke cursed. "What's the catch?"

"He can't tell you the catch, stupid," Nekomata scoffed. "You can't ever know the catch when you make a deal with the devil. It's like a rule or something."

"Who made up these stupid rules?"

"I did," the giant head said. "You got a problem with them?"

"What's the damn catch?"

"Oh, this is getting us nowhere," the giant head sighed. "Let's just skip ahead to the time-travel, shall we? I've got people to kill. Well, I don't now, but very soon I better have some people to kill." He looked pointedly at Sasuke. "And I want my Icha Icha back, you hear?" The world started to shake and blur. A large vortex opened, pulling Sasuke and the demons inside. Sasuke's vision started to fade as he was tossed about through time and space, his soul separating from his body.

"See you in hell, bitch!"

Sasuke felt confined, as though his very soul been stuffed in a jar that was just barely big enough to hold him. And for some reason he also felt like he'd just been jabbed repeatedly with needles like a human pincushion.

"Ugh," he moaned, trying to shake the feeling of discomfort. "What the hell? Did Sokou spike my muddy water again? Or did I just catch something? It is muddy water, after all…" He was cut off from his train of though when something hugged him.

"Oh Sasuke!"

He opened his eyes and saw, to his light surprise, Sakura. She was currently hugging him. Speaking of him, he did look like a human pincushion. "What the crap? Was I attacked by ninja from the Sowing Village or something?"

Those are from Senbon, dumbass.

Sasuke looked around. "Where did that voice come from?"

The voice appeared to be right, though. There were bloody senbon in a small pile next to him. Must be the Wave Country, he thought. When he had to fight Zabuza Man and his side kick Girly Boy.

"What voice?" Sakura asked him worriedly. Then she gasped. "Was it a shinigami? Are they going to take you away? No, I won't let them!" He hugged him again.

"Sakura…" It was their reunion. She'd been dead for so long, and now she was alive. It was a miracle. I should say something profound. Something clever, heartwarming… "You have pink hair." That'll work. Bet she didn't know that.

"Um, yeah, I kind of knew that."

Dammit. "Well, um, my hair is not pink." Ha! Nice recovery.

"Sasuke? You okay? I already know your hair isn't pink."

"Yes it is! How dare you say that!" Who does she think she is? My hair is too pink! Wait, no it's not. What?

Sakura blinked at him, her mouth open. "Sasuke, your hair's not pink…"

"Can you prove it?" Stick to your guns, she'll never know my hair's actually black! Mua Ha Ha!

You're such a dunce. Really, what's your dysfunction?

"Prove it?"

How is this any different from how he normally acts?

"Sasuke?"

"Quiet, will you? I'm trying to listen to the voices."

Sakura started crying. "Kakashi-sensei! Sasuke's got brain damage! Please fix him!"

Tell me about it, kid.

That voice, it sounded an awful lot like… "Shukaku?"

Bingo, pinky. Guess what? THIS WHOLE TIME TRAVEL THING BLOWS! I mean, it was pretty boring before, but it sure as hell wasn't as bad as being stuck in someone's head! Again!

Tell me about it.

"Nekomata?"

The one and the same.

Don't forget about me now.

Or me.

"Don't tell me all of you are in there?"

Yep. Fantastic, isn't it? And just in case sarcasm doesn't carry well over these mind channels, let me assure you, THAT WAS VERY SARCASTIC! I mean, I thought this cage was small before… and someone's hand is on my ass.

If I could move it, I would. And then saw it off. God only knows where your ass has been.

"Wait, just what the hell is this?"

This, my dear idiot, is the catch.

End Notes:

'That wasn't what I expected,' the sane reader will say. 'I expected a serious drama and instead I got horse shit. I am thoroughly confused.'

'That wasn't what I wanted,' the sane reader who bothered to read the category (humor) will say. 'I wanted something actually funny and instead I got dog shit. I am thoroughly disappointed.'

If you want to flame me, well, I can't stop you. It might make me cry, but that's half the fun!

Actually, no, I won't really cry. I might think less of you as a person, though.

But that's half the fun!

I'm like a dog, I love praise. Imagine a little puppy saying 'Praise me! Praise me!' All constructive criticism is very appreciated. In any case, satisfied or dissatisfied, thanks for reading!

-R.F.D.