The first thing Wander noticed when he opened his eyes upon waking was that the sun seemed to be trying to murder him. Blinding rays slashed into his eyes, pounding nails into his brain. In an effort to save his vision and defend himself, Wander immediately rose both arms over his face, covering his eyes. Ugh, oh God, sunlight, why weren't the drapes drawn, et cetera. Shielding himself with the blanket, he curled up and snuggled into the deep covers, burying his head among the sheets. It was around then that he realized he totally wasn't in his own bed.
Wander immediately sat up straight (which was a struggle, as the sheets were ludicrously heavy), wishing he hadn't when his head threatened to fall off and run away. And his eyes were attacked by that stupid sun again. Groaning, he squinted his way out of bed, and began to search the bedroom for clothing, as he seemed to be naked. He eventually came upon various articles of his clothing seperately, a shirt here, pants there. As he was getting dressed the door to the room suddenly burst open, the doorknob slamming loudly against the wall and leaving a deep dent.
I might as well take a break here to describe to you what the room looked like. You can find out who came running into said room later, the setting is way more important. One word, actually, could probably be used to accurately portray in words what the room looked like: gigantic. Humongous. Some unknown combination of the two words. The bed was big, the side table was big, everything was big. This probably explained why the blankets were so heavy; they were at least as thick as Wander himself. Why was all the crap in this stupid room so huge? Well, probably because its inhabitant was huge. In the doorway to the bedroom stood a Colossus.
There was a moment of silence where Wander's brain failed, melted into a liquid, and leaked out of his ears. Then he immediately began running through the activities he had partaken in during the night before. Hmmm . . . he probably really never should have gone to that bar. Or gone to that party right after. Or drank so much alcohol at that party and bar. Or gone home with that Colossus. Well, in his defense, it had seemed like a pretty good idea at the time! At least he wouldn't have gotten assaulted or something on the way home. O-or something. Uh. Besides it could be worse, right! . . . Or, uh, something!
"Um . . ." Wander said, taking a seat on the bed (this required him to take sort of a running jump and scramble on). The Colossus hadn't stopped staring at him silently, its illuminated eyes seeming to bore right into his soul, since it had come banging into the room. Needless to say, this wasn't a very comfortable sensation. "We, uh. We didn't, um. Well. We didn't, like. Uh."
He couldn't seem to find the words, which wasn't that unusual; Wander wasn't much for talking. And the, er, thing they might have done was something Wander wasn't sure if he wanted to face at the moment. Mono was going to kill him. Oh, God, Mono was going to MURDER him. Wander was so distracted by his fears of his girlfriend's wrath that he didn't notice that the Colossus was getting closer. Scrambling further back on the bed, Wander could only watch as the Colossus began to mime its way through the previous evening.
It was around the part where the mighty beast started making pelvic thrusts that Wander leaped out of the bed and ran for the nearest bathroom. He got to the hallway and found he had no idea where the bathroom was, so he instead opted to throw up in a nearby plant's pot. The Colossus watched with great interest (or something, actually its expression had never changed throughout the entire previous proceedings) from the bedroom doorway. Wander turned back to it, wiping his mouth off, and said, "Well, it has been a pleasant evening. Or, well, not really. Anyways, I've got to go, so uh . . . if we ever meet again, um. Pretend you don't know who I am."
Wander turned around and walked away, feeling the Colossus's stare still burning into him. Did this thing have some sort of heat vision or something? It was actually starting to hurt! After a few hours (not exaggerating there) of searching through the house, which was just as gigantic as the bedroom, he eventually found the door, and, after shoving at it for a while, managed to open it a crack so he could squeeze through. He was free! Yay. As he happily pranced down the driveway, he wondered where his horse was. Agro wasn't anywhere near the house. After a few moments of wondering what to do, Wander decided to scream his horse's name as loud as he could. That always seemed to work.
And work it did, for a few moments after screaming for his horse, Agro appeared, as he often did for no explainable reason. Wander hopped on his faithful horse's back, and proceeded to ride it down the road towards his house. As he rode, Wander took to wondering about the previous night, namely, how such a gigantic beast had managed to have sex with him. In addition to being biologically impossible, wouldn't Wander have been crushed? He decided not to think too strongly about it.
Fast forward to a few days later. Yeah, Wander got home, blah blah blah, that's not important. We should probably get on to the actual plot of the story. Now, uh, I have no clue why Wander would take a pregnancy test. I could probably go off and research the matter by reading mpreg fics, but I don't really feel like submitting myself to that mental torture, so just pretend I have a really good excuse. Anyways, so Wander was taking a pregnancy test.
He couldn't help but question why he was doing this, seeing as it made no sense and there was no reason. He took a sip of coffee, which he had brought into the bathroom with him. As he was taking a sip, he suddenly realized where he was. He had read somewhere that tons of fecal particals were flying around all over your bathroom, and tended to rest on your toothbrushes and various other things; this was why he kept everything in a little dome. So if they could land on tooth brushes . . . surely they could take up coffee as a new home as well, right? He immediately did a spit-take, only to start choking when he actually looked at the results the pregnancy test had come up with. (an: wow that was really awkwardly phrased)
Positive.
No way. There was no way that was possible.
. . . But it still said positive.
But . . . there was no way that was right. Maybe it was a fluke! After downing a cup of (fresh) coffee (in the kitchen, far away from the bathroom), Wander returned to the toilet, ready to try this again. And yet again . . .
Positive.
But he didn't even have the proper reproductive organs! This made no sense! Was there something wrong with the damn pregnancy tests or something? A few hours later, after having gone through every single pregnancy test in the box and gotten positive every single time, Wander came to his conclusion: the people who made these things were retarded and made them say positive every single time as a practical joke. He decided to call the company and yell at a few people.
"Uh," said one such person. "You're a man, right?"
"Yes," Wander snapped.
"Why are you taking a pregnancy test?" the person the other side of the phone asked.
"I, uh, I don't know," Wander said. "It's almost as if someone needs me to take a pregnancy test to further some kind of plot they came up with after almost writing 'knocked up' instead of 'knocked out' while talking about a certain video game this is loosely related to."
Oh, shit, he's on to me. Anyways, uh, come back later and maybe I'll have written a second chapter! P.S. it turns out he is actually pregnant. AW YISS SOME MOTHA FUCKIN CROSS-SPECIES MPREG