Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Dark Reflections

Chapter One: Stricken

The church was eerily silent, giving no indication to the vampire and Slayer inside. The only thing that gave it away was the dim light protruding through the windows silently. Vampire activity had not been sighted today so the Slayer took time to try to understand the insanity that was plaguing her old vampire lover. Since his return he had been talking to the unseen, making no sense in what he said or did. The Slayer's confusion betrayed her, and straight up frustrated the hell out of her.

What was going on with Spike? She asked herself. She wasn't sure if she should be mad or sympathetic during today's display of insanity. He had attacked Anya when she had sensed something in him, and then made fun of his attempted rape as if it was something to joke about.

Had to be me to fuck an insane vampire, just the thing I needed, first with the souled, brooding bastard named Angel, who stalked more than he actually talked, then left me because he thought it was the right thing to do. Parker, God, just what she needed after losing Angel, a freaking one night stand, and she had liked him. Guess I wasn't good enough in bed… Riley had brought me the passion I needed, someone who utterly adored me, but having sex with him was like fucking a priest. If he wasn't worshipping the hell out of her, they would have sex for like two minutes and he sounded like he was speaking in tongues. Sorry, guys who moan more than me is a definite turn off. Buffy thought as she stared at Spike quizzically.

Then there was Spike… And he just fucking takes the cake. First he wants to kill me, then I'm beating the crap out of him, then he freaking tells me about Captain Cardboard and his vampire sluts…Did I seriously call him Captain Cardboard in my mind…ha…Then Spike kidnaps me and confesses his eternal love in front of his ex and current girlfriend, and later on gets someone to make a robot who is identical to me so he can fuck it… That was downright creepy…

Spike hid in the shadows, a stricken look on his face, his face was twisted in sorrow as he fought something only he knew, and Anya.

Buffy smiled suddenly. She remembered the time Glory had tortured Spike on information on the key, how she had brutally attacked him and nearly dusted him, yet he had not opened his mouth, except maybe to say something sarcastic and snarky. Then he thought Buffy was the Buffybot and confessed how he would never let anything hurt Buffy or Dawn, because he never wanted to see that much hurt on her face.

I died, came back from the dead, start hanging out with Spike, and suddenly I'm making out with him after Mr. Musically Talented was defeated, I deny any feelings toward him, and hey I'm making out with him again, using excuses afterwards. God, how much that must of hurt him, to finally have me kiss him like I care for him and then start babbling about how I don't feel a thing for him, that I was making bad kissing decisions because Giles wasn't here. God, I'm so fucking lame… I knew he had been hurt by rejection, first with Cecily and her bitchy 'your beneath me' attitude, but hey, didn't I say the same thing to him to a couple of times. Guess I'm a super Slayer bitch too. Then Drusilla, who fucks Angelus when he felt like it. All that hurt and pain to finally think you see the light at the end of the tunnel and have it crumble before your very eyes. Can he even forgive me?

I can forgive him, but can he honestly forgive me, after all I've done to him.

I mean, I sleep with him, a couple of times, but then I beat him into an oblivion, all cause he was trying to protect me, hell we fuck, and then I tell him I can't be his girl, I'm just so fucking great, that he's just an evil, soulless thing, with a well endowed penis, granted, but I was doing all this cause I hated my life. I mean, I got kicked out of heaven cause Miss Psycho Wicca Bitch who calls herself my friend and the carpenter brought me out. Yes, they are my best friends but goddamn why they bring me out of heaven? And who was their to help me where they couldn't, Spike.

He loved me so much, and I just fucking spat it in his face, still hoping for a fucking fairy tale story with a souled Angel, who wouldn't lose it after twenty minutes of sex. I…

Could he ever forgive me? But he tried to rape me…

Riley came back for one night and managed to convince me to leave the vampire that loved me like no other, and fucked like no other, cause in that department, Riley ain't got shit on Spike. But that fucking government buttbitch managed to weasel his way back into my life and then have the nerve to judge me? Men. The look on his face when he walked into me and Spike having sex was so full of disgust it tore me, blinded me with disgust and self loathing that I abandoned him, leaving him to himself during his darkest hour. I hurt him so bad, he went to Anya for a spell to make him feel better, but hey demon girl needed dick so she got him drunk and fucked him, thanks Anya.

Gotta love them vengeance demons… She thought sarcastically. Then Dawn went to Spike's crypt to tell him that I cared and he went to my house to make it right, only he made it worse. I'm sorry but rape is not a turn on Spike… But it's not all his fault, I mean, it's what I taught him, violence, and all. How many times did I go to his crypt and demand for sex cause I was going through a bad time? It's all he knew, It's all I taught him.

"Ask me again why I could never love you…" I said that, didn't think twice about it, not after all I had done to him, just became a super judgemental bitch, and said that. He loved me, I know it, but I lashed out at him, like I always had done. I guess its okay for me to do wrong, but if a soulless vampire does it, then it's worth staking for.

Fucking Slayers. The dejected look on his face tore into the Slayer. He disappeared and left her alone to fight Dark Willow, but who could blame him? Now he just reappeared in her life to set things straight. But he had been hiding something fron her, tormented by insanity and guilt he ran, and found refuge in a church. She had followed hi in there, and the look on his face when he said "Am I flesh to you?" It had almost made her cry. She had to find out what was going on. What was he hiding?

"Spike… This is you last chance. What are you hiding? Cause by God if you try something stupid I will stake you." She said, threatening him, yet not really meaning it. She heard Spike scoff at that.

"Don't you wish you could off me and be rid of me Slayer? It's your solution to everything you do, you're a killer. You've been wanting to kill since I got to Sunnydale, and I agree the feeling had been mutual at the time, but then I fell in love with you and you still wanted me dead. You mistreated me, like I couldn't feel, all 'cos I ain't Peaches, 'cos I didn't have the spark. The only reason you didn't stake me was 'cos of the chip. I was so handicapped, I wasn't worthy of being staked. But you should of dusted me Buffy, instead of letting me suffer like this, wanting you, loving you, and falling short in your eyes. I love you, yet it would never be enough for you." He said, pacing back and forth through the darkness that hid his face. She could hear him sob, and the noise and feeling behind it nearly flooded her eyes.

"I dreamed of killing you." Still hidden from view, and in her fear, she grabbed her stake. Soft laughter tore through the church and through the Slayer's heart. "Scared, love?"

"Goddammit Spike, enough with the games, tell me what have you done?" She said frantically, her eyes searching through the room for him in paranoia.

"Isn't that all you've ever done Slayer? Play games, play with my love, my heart, and now you wanna bitch 'cos it's my bloody turn?" He screamed, falling back against the wall sobbing. She never heard him weep, and the sound that tore from his lips nearly made her fall to her knees and cry as well.

"I tried to find it of course." He began.

"Find what Spike?"

"The spark. The thing that would make me workthy of you. Something that would make me more of a man." He said, his eyes flooding once more.

"What are you talking about?" She asked, losing patience, losing self controlas Spike's words ran through her guiltily, like a sword.

"You reduced me layer. To something even less than a bleedin' lapdog. You broke me." He continued. "Here I was, an evil, soulless thing turning against my very nature, and I was a dog, unworthy of the crumbs that fell off the master's table pouring useless buckets of salt over wounds for you, just for you, because I… Because I wasn't man enough. Don't you bloody get it. You broke me Buffy." Spike said, smashing his head into the wall.

"I'm sorry for what I did." She apologized, but the dejected look on his face was more than she could bear, and she cried, tears stinging her emerald eyes.

"No, you're not, because you think I'm a demon. A demon who can't love or feel. You're wrong Slayer." He said harshly. "I could understand Cecily's rejection, I was a poor human with nothing to give her. I was beneath her. Dru…Dru used me because Angelus was in love with Darla, I was her toy. But you, you were supposed to be different, you were supposed to be the embodiment of good, my redemption, but instead you were my demise." He said sadly. "You used me Buffy, just like Dru. A toy and nothing more than a bleedin' dildo, something with a penis attached to, batteries not included nor needed. You can't believe how much it hurt, how much it still hurts, you're my god Buffy." He said, reaching into his jeans for something. She eyes him wearily.

He pulled a pack of cigarettes and his zippo lighter and lit one up. He pulled on it hard, letting the thick smoke come out of his nose. He stepped out of the shadows, his piercing blue eyes tearing into her like blades. He blew a little smoke in her face and she coughed. He was bare-chested, the skin a pale creamy white, still flawed by whatever ordeal he had gone through. He took another hard drag off the fag and tossed it to the side, grinding it under his boots. Buffy saw the tormented look on his face and stepped forward.

"You broke me." He accused. "I gave you everythin', mind, body, even demon, and I wasn't good enough, still with the soulless, no soul, no love for Spike. Not good enough to love the Slayer, or be loved." He ranted on.

The Slayer sobbed, tears streaming down her cheeks. "I'm sorry Spike."

"You condemned me to a eternal unlife of suffering bitch. All 'cos one bad bed experience with Peaches, and you thought that only souled vamps can love like Peaches did, but soulless, none can cause Angelus didn't love you. Doesn't work that way dammit. I loved Dru, I loved you, even the nibblet and your mum, but you couldn't let me love you 'cos it contradicted all the bollocks your watcher taught you. But I loved, I did, and I still do, pet." He paused, glaring at her viciously. "Bloody hell. Angel, he should of warned me, how much the spark burns." Spike said.

Buffy realized what the spark was. "You…No…You got…a soul." She finally spat out. "Why?"

"Bloody shame on you. Why does every man do what he mustn't, for her . To be hers, someone she could love and trust." He retorted, his face shiny from tears. "It's what you wanted!" He said, then turned away and stared at the cross. "It's what you wanted…" He said accusingly to the large cross on the altar. He pulled away from the Slayer. He walked up to the cross and laid himself on it, kneeling, sobbing. "Am I worthy now,pet? I've done what you wanted and got more than I asked for." The Slayer kneeled down next to him.

"What do you mean you got more than you asked for Spike?" She asked hesistantly.

"Love, I'm more than just a vampire with a soul like Peaches." He said, grabbing her hand and placing it on his chest. "I'm alive Buffy. I'm alive." And with that, he laid his head against her chest, sobbing.

AN: Hey, hope u like the first chapter of the new story, and please review, reviews keep me motivated through the bad times. Love ya.