Zero Hour: June
Hitsugaya hated June. It was too damn hot, for one, and two, it started giving people ideas. Troublesome ideas like summer vacations and beach days and picnics and love. And so, he chose to ignore the entire month, along with its crazy people and troublesome ideas. Starting with his very own resident troublemaker, Matsumoto.
"Hey Taichou!" she called from her favorite spot, lounging on the sofa facing him.
She'd been scribbling furiously for hours now, brow furrowing as she crossed out old notes and made new ones. He was surprised to see her working, and determined not to let her get distracted this time, so he pretended like he hadn't heard her.
"Taichou!"
He knew the "maybe if I ignore her, she'll go away" plan wasn't a good one, but at this point it was all he had, so he stuck with it, feigning temporary deafness.
"Taaaaaiiiichhhhouuuu!" she yelled at the top of her lungs, waving at him like he couldn't see her all five feet away.
"What, Matsumoto?"
"Mou, Taichou, you don't have to sound so mean!"
He sighed, rubbing his head, thinking longingly of what life would be like if one could just gag one's fukutaichou, tie her to the desk, and threaten her with torture unless she finished her work. But fukutaichou abuse was strictly frowned upon. Taichou abuse, on the other hand, seemed to be perfectly acceptable.
"What, Matsumoto?" he asked again, feeling beaten down. "What do you want?"
"If you had to pair Ishida with a girl, would you pick Nemu or Rukia?"
"Neither," he said absentmindedly, going back to his form.
"Who, then?"
"Soi Fon."
"Soi Fon? Why her?"
"They're perfect complements."
She shrugged. "If you say so. How about Ikkaku, then. Who would you put with him?"
"Hinamori."
She sputtered. "Taichou! For a genius, you're pretty bad at this."
He paused mid-sentence. "What is this for, Matsumoto? I wasn't aware of a mission that required us to fight in co-ed teams of two."
"Tai-chou! These aren't fighting teams!"
"Oh." Dread settled in his belly. "What are they, then?"
She grinned at him, all dreamy excitement. "They're my love matches!"
He sighed. I shouldn't have asked. "Do your work, Matsumoto."
"Don't you want to know why I'm making a list of love matches, Taichou?"
"No." Absolutely not, under any circumstances.
"Taichou, you're no fun! And you have no sense of romance! Ishida and Soi Fon could never be a couple!"
He hadn't meant them to be; he'd been pairing them for fighting purposes, not for love. "Don't ask me then."
"It must be because you're just a kid; you're too young to be in love," she mused, swinging her leg back and forth as she lounged on the sofa.
His head began to ache. "I am not a kid!"
Her eyes challenged him, and he cursed himself for walking right into her trap. "Prove it, then. Help me pair these people up!"
"You're not going to leave me alone until I help you, are you?"
"Nope!"
He'd had a feeling. "Bring it here, then," he said, resigned.
She flounced over and he had to rush to move the documents he was working on before she flopped down on his desk.
"Is it too much to ask you to stand while we do this?"
"Mou, Taichou, be a gentleman! You can't ask a lady to stand while you sit!"
"Never mind. Tell me what this is for."
"The Shinigami Women's Association just had a meeting, and we're all tired of being single! Plus, since we stopped fighting the Arrancar, things have been so boring around here. So I've decided to go into the matchmaking business! I'm going to set each of the single SWA members up with a man!" She pumped her fist in the air, determination written across her face.
He closed his eyes, shook his head, and then looked at the list she sat in front of him. On one side of the page she had listed female Shinigami:
Soi Fon
Isane
Momo-chan
Nanao
Nemu
Kiyone
Rukia
Me
Then at the bottom, she had listed the names of a number of male Shinigami:
Kuchiki-taichou, Shuu-kun, Ikkaku, Ishida—
"Wait, Ishida's not a Shinigami."
"No, but I felt bad because I think he had a crush on Orihime, who's never going to get over Ichigo, so I thought I'd include him if I could find someone to match him up with."
Figuring she could come up with whatever arbitrary rules she wanted for her asinine project, he nodded and kept reading.
Zaraki, Kira-kun, Renji, Taichou
"MATSUMOTO!" he thundered, "Why am I on the list?"
She winced. "You're available, aren't you?"
"Not for your meddling experiments, no!"
"Well, there are only so many eligible men, Taichou!" she huffed, crossing her arms. "I already had to cross off all the members of the First Division because they're too old, Ukitake's already dating Unohana, and Kyouraku's way too much of a womanizer to push off on any decent woman! And then there was Komamura-taichou, Iba, and Oomaeda, and can you imagine any self-respecting woman dating them?"
"No," Hitsugaya said, trying not to think about it. "But that has nothing to do with me sacrificing myself in their stead."
"Well, I'm doing my part to help get a little romance going in the Seireitei, Taichou, and you have to do yours!"
He wasn't going to dignify that with an answer. "Let's just get this over with."
She studied him for a minute, then shrugged. "Okay, so you said Soi Fon and Ishida, but that was when you thought I was talking about fighting."
"Yeah, but now that I think about it, I wouldn't change my answer." A good match was a good match, whether it was for fighting or love. "They're both scheming, prideful, and stubborn, but if they can get past that, they'll complement each other. He's flashy and she's stealthy, and opposites attract, assuming they're equally assertive."
"Hmm," Matsumoto murmured, biting the end of her brush. "You're either astonishingly good at this or very, very bad."
"You're welcome to do this on your own, you know."
"But you make it so much more interesting! I already have Rukia and Renji, but that's so boring, it won't take any work at all! What about Isane? I was thinking Kuchiki-taichou for her. He's a major catch, plus a total hottie, and he'll like how respectful she is."
He was already shaking his head. "Not a chance."
"Why?"
"She's too shy and he's too formal. They'd sit in a room together and never say a word except 'excuse me.'"
"Then who would you put with her?"
"I don't know. But Kuchiki needs someone more lively, someone who will shake things up. Out of the women on your list, I'd put Kuchiki with you."
"What? I could never—"
"You just said he was a catch and, ahem," he cleared his throat, "a hottie."
"Yeah, for someone else! He's so dour. I'd be on antidepressants within a week!"
"But you're willing to put him with someone else?"
"Someone who has less refined taste in men than me, who will appreciate his looks and overlook his total lack of warmth, caring, or personality."
He scanned the list for someone as loud and stubborn as Matsumoto. Rukia was out, obviously . . . "How about the other Kotetsu girl?"
"Ooh, good call, Taichou! Kiyone will be perfect! But what about Isane?"
"Hisagi."
"Momo?"
Hitsugaya was getting kind of into this now, so he tried to put aside his need to protect his childhood friend, and examine the situation more strategically. "I can see her going one of two ways: Kira, or Madarame."
"Hmmm, I was going to say Kira."
"It's the safer choice. But Madarame would be much more interesting."
"Why him?"
"The violent cynic and the naive peacemaker? I already told you about opposites."
"Fine, have it your way. By that logic, we'd have to put Nanao with Kenpachi."
"Seems logical."
"And Nemu and Kira. Both passive followers, but she's all reason, and he's all emotion."
"Well thought out." He glanced down at the list. Great, they were almost done. Matsumoto was the final woman, and the only man left on the list was . . . oh, no. That was not happening.
His fukutaichou gasped, then clapped her hands together. "Look, Taichou! I got you!"
"I hope you and Kyouraku-taichou will be very happy together."
"Taichou! You can't leave me with a womanizer!"
He sighed, already turning back to his work. "Then rearrange the list so you get someone you like better."
"But the pairings are perfect, you already said! That wouldn't be fair to the other women, I can't sacrifice their happiness for my own!"
"And yet you expect me to."
"Taichou! I'm going to tell all of the Seireitei how you deserted me in my hour of need!"
Ooh, he was shaking in his shihakusho. "Go ahead. Be sure you tell them how."
"Starting with Momo-chan."
"Tell her I said hi."
"Taichou!"
He just smirked.
"Fine, if you don't care about that, then I'll just have Hisagi print that article featuring all those pictures I took of you in the real world. You were so cute, Taichou! Eating ice cream and playing childhood games! I think there's even a few where you're sleeping and drooling on the pillow!"
"What do you want?" he demanded, blanching. He had to remember to confiscate her camera next time.
"Three dates, to see if we suit. If not, I'll never bother you about it again."
Figuring it was harmless, and that she just wanted an excuse to (a) embarrass him, and (b) get dressed up and go out, he countered with, "If you can get at least two of those couples together, I will take you on one date."
"Two dates, or I release the photos."
"One."
"Fine, but I get an extra date for each additional couple that gets together, and you can't stand in the way of that happening."
She was surprisingly good at this; he would have to remember to send her out the next time they needed a negotiator in Rukongai. "I guess that's fair."
"And on our date, you have to kiss me goodnight."
"Done." He fought back a grin, imagining her closing her eyes and leaning in . . . for him to kiss her on the forehead.
"On the lips, Taichou!"
A vein throbbed in his forehead. "Matsumoto, if it would get you to finish your paperwork and leave me alone, I'd kiss you on the lips right now!" he growled, out of patience.
She just stood up, brushed off her bottom and sashayed away. "You don't get the goods before you take me out, Taichou," she teased, heading for the door. "I'm not that kind of girl," she added with a wink.
"Hey, where are you going?" If she'd done even one page of real work, he'd eat his haori.
"Shopping. I have nothing to wear for our date!"
"You—" She was gone before he opened his mouth. "MATSUMOTO!"
The woman was going to be the death of him. Forty hours of her a week was enough, the last thing he wanted was to be dating her, too. But that would never happen, because she'd never get any of those couples together.
He paused in that thought. The couples that he'd paired up, according to the highest standards of compatibility.
Damn. Was it too late to hibernate through June?
A/N:
Some fun HitsuMatsu for summer. Yeah, yeah, ongoing stories still ongoing. No quittin' here. Just some procrastinating, that's all. Review please!