Author's note: Please note that this fanfiction, while being very strongly aggravating and weird, has the sole purpose to entertain others. Therefore, should you find the language, content, or whatnot in this story not up to your standards, please stop reading it. I know it's not exactly your average IC fanfic (especially the grammar&plot of the beginning). But trust me, it all has a purpose...
Disclaimer: It should be self-evident that I do not own the Inheritance Cycle, or any of the characters in the following piece of fanfiction.
There will be a more detailed explanation of the chapter at the end of the fiction. But now it's probably time to read what there is. Do note, however, that this beginning part is pretty much filled with generalization and leaking of irony.
Enjoy. If you can..
chapter1
Eregon was sitting on the ground thinking of sex when someone comes to him.
"hey" said Ayra.
"yo" said Eregon,
"I managed to steel the green egg from Galbatornix and we now have a dragen egg in our posesion"
"thats great Aray"
"Nasesada resquires and audience in her tent in 5 mins" pipes in a messenger who then runs away.
Eragon suddenly realizes how beutifel Aray actually is and gets a boner. He struggles to find words.
"o how tall the trees how small the ants how big ur boobs and how small my dick how beutiful u are aray ..wanna have sex?"
"k"
"I loev u" say Eregan in Accident Languaeg.
they then made love 20 times in the remaining 5 minutes before the council meeting. Saphiar then carried them to Nauseas tent.
"me hunt" growl Sapphore and flew off.
"Hello council"
"hello Nausea" said council
"Ive got a perfect plan to capture urubean"
"wat is it+" asks Eragen
"We attack." said Nausea
"kk" say eragon a tad bit confused by the rather elaborate plan jörmunder and other tactical genius had spent long tiem to perfect
"can i go?" said Murhatgr who had a couple minute ago broken his promise to Galbaorix and had flown to the warden cap. when warden see him they cheer happily. Thron growl and go hunt.
"sure bro said eregan".
"Wat we do with mr bean in urubean?" ask jörmeder.
"I will break him," said eregan sounding like a certain witchking of Agmar.
"we should fly to uru bean would be faster" said arya she was wearing tight leather clothes and had a leather whip too. she had a few handcuffs with her too in case eragen try to escape from their sex. in battle she used them as thrown wepens. each time she throw it they kill 200 people and retunr to her hand.
"thats a supergood idea-2 say Nauseous.
"i have sum adivse for u eregano so lissin carefully" say solemnbum. he is in his cat form with his dagger and he was giving advice.
"...so ya nig, when ur power is insufficient go to the rock of kutien and say ya name and enter and ya get power yo" say Solemnpun (A/N: no pun intended) then growled and went to hunt.
the warden flew to uru bean. eregan and arya had some vibrant sex.
they then landed.
"weres saphier?" ask eregon when his feet touch ground
"shes hunting" said aYra also landing, gracefully, like a cat. (A/N: A random lens-flare effect could also be seen). This caused aregon a boner and they had sex. Warden cheer.
at that moment they hear thump. Eragon wears his shit and pants again and ayra dresses aswel.
thump
thump
THUMP
PUMP(?)
a sapphier blue dragon appear. Warden cheered happily.
then a ruby red dragon appear. Warden cheered happily.
AtAcK!11111(A/N:oneoneelevenone)1111111111!1111!1! say eragan. roren unsheaths his hammer&charge.
they attack. ayra uses a spell with Accident -langueg in it & gsalbaorixs army die. Warden cheer happily. (A/N the army of 134 thousand and fifty-three men)
lord baass realises hes got a big stomach & dies.
they walk to castle and galbyorix is hiding under his throne.
stop right there say galby and then he says the word.
The ground shakes. Winds blow. Even a lightning strikes the ground for good measure. Ominous (A/N: not Oromis) sound ensues. Really, come up with something cool for this moment here.. I ran out of cool ideas.
Things suddenly change. Drastically. Very drastically.
The unimaginable horrors of a twelve-year-old author's fandom are violently dispelled, and Eragon and Arya find theirselves in-character again. And of course, bound in place with the invisible shackles of magic.
Sapphira suddenly learns to speak more than "Me hunt". She, however, finds words unnecessary to use in this situation. Instead, with a mighty bellow she lunges at Galbatorix.
The black king suspends her into the air, and seemingly effortlessly, with an indifferent gesture of his hand he sends the poor dragoness towards the pitch-black curtain behind his throne. For good measure, to make sure nobody would ever think of him less than the most powerful being in the whole universe, he raises the very fortress from the ground, making it float in the air a couple hundred feet from the ground, not much unlike in certain book series called Dragonlance. (A/N: DO read those books if u didnt so far, they're soo great...)
Desperation grips Eragon. It had all been in vain. They had lost. There was no questioning the immense might of the king, even with the help of all the Eldunarya from Vroengard. Their army, the rather confused group of warriors who had no idea whatsoever how they had flown to Uru'baen would probably meet as swift end as that of their empire counterparts at the hands of the Mary-Sue Arya. One single word was needed. But then again Galbatorix needed new slaves to do his bidding. What if -
His typical self-pitying train of thought is however cut short when suddenly, the curtain moves and from behind the large wings appears the huge head of Shruikan. Shruikan then proceeds to trap Sapphira's head under his large front paw as the limp body of the blue dragon is lowered to the floor.
"So did you truly think that you could actually defeat me, even with the help of a crazy little author? Well, let me tell you this, my dear little rebel friends: I now know the true name of the Ancient Language, the name of all names and therefore I control this story. I countrol this petty little world of Alagaësia and nobody, not even Christopher Paolini can have any say in that. Might I also add, that on this most auspicious of nights I -"
"Oh, really?" comes an ominous, echoing sound from the heavens above. And suddenly Galbatorix is wearing a pink shirt. Yes, pink. In addition Ooh, you touch my tralala (A/N: YT; /watch?v=iPrnduGtgmc ) by Günther starts playing. The music, however, comes to an abrupt halt.
"Yes, really." And with a flick of his hand he is in his normal clothing again. "Where was I... Oh, for your information, that meddlesome author shall not bother us again, not after I pointed out that we're still in a fanfiction, albeit slightly strange one... But did I ever mention that I love talking to my enemies? Well, since I am now officially out of character I can tell you exactly how much I love talking..."
The Black-turned-pink-turned-black King (A/N: not his skin color) then launches into a profound narration of his love of talking and of his favorite rhetorical strategies. After the longest ten minutes of Eragon's life - Arya actually listened - there is a loud boom with the massive doors of the throne room being swung open by Murtagh. Thorn, looking much more intelligent and important than before, follows in close behind.
"Ah, Murtagh, I've been expecting you," comes the soft voice of Galbatorix. His voice is friendly, even fatherly. Eragon grimaces at the tought of Galbatorix - the fiend! - being anybody's father. Nobody deserved such a fate.
"I didn't know that men can be pregnant with a person that has already been born," replies Murtagh coldly, "Enough of this, I have come here to kill you for what you did to Thorn and I." Murtagh, being in a mediocre piece of fanfiction of a beginner author - blurting out the most random of things - also finds himself rather out of character, but regardless proceeds to attack the Usurper King.
Galbatorix watches with amusement his recent slave swinging countless types of magical missles in his way at once, only to have them harmlessly bounce off his wards, with the Word countering Murtagh's diverse use of the name of the Ancient Language. The (microsoft)Word however, namely it's spelling checker tool, leaves the spelling mistakes of this facfic alone for some reason or another.
Meanwhile, Thorn is having little luck killing Shruikan or rescuing the blue dragoness, which ever he is trying to do. Probably the former, for Thorn never really showed any signs of emotional attachment toward Sapphira. Either way, with enough plotholes in this story, suffice it to say that Thorn is occupied in one way or another while his rider is fighting.
Inevitably, the power of the young, small Eldunarya in Murtagh's possession fails, leaving the Black King with yet another guest suspended into the air...(A/N I decided against writing an epic battle scene here.)...This time upside down, for NOBODY fucks with the king, especially when he is trying to talk about his love for - wait, he had just realized he was a virgin.
Suddenly, the weight of all those insults thrown his way by various doomed individuals, Riders and non-riders alike (in this case horse-riding people do not count) regarding his lack of sexual intercourse comes crashing down upon him and the King starts wailing uncontrollably, rolling on the floor, miserably, in a particularly strong fit of self-pity. He then advances into the Rage-Phase and throws a few pieces of furniture out of the window, with our heroes gawking with puzzled expressions, and the three dragons fighting on, on the other side of the room - Sapphira had woken up and was now determined to kill the abomination of a black dragon (no racism intended).
Eventually, after a while, the childish rage fit subsides and the King regains his composure.
"At least, I CAN KILL YOU ALL!" the now-crazed king yells in fury.
He is interrupted by the the large doors that are swung open again, even though he did not recall closing them. Somebody must have closed them before opening them in order to make a grand entrance (after floating theselves a couple hundred feet into the air).
"You."
A/N: so who steps in? what happens when alageysia is captured by the story of a crazy, extremely bored author? Inspired by Alagaesia goes crazy and several other similar pieces of work.
As you might have guessed by now, this is indeed a parody of all the things that annoy me in fanfiction. Bad spelling, forgetting of names, forgetting of things that have happened in canon, forgetting canon alltogether, bad plot, clichés, bad clichés, overpowered characters, mary sue, stating of self-evident things, etcetc. That, however, should be no reason to publish improper language as part of my ff but oh well... everyone breaks the rules sometime :p
So, how was it? horrible? very horrible? mediocre? gud? suppergud? me gusta? WEIRD? :D review.. tell me your thoughts. Even if is to say I should not publish this kind of nonsense, I will appreciate hearing it.
I know i tried too much and too randomly but oh well.. bear with me (A/N: not the animal), and maybe I'll write more(?)