" I've got something to tell you..."
Rob couldn't sleep for days and all he could do was to stare at the emptiness, trying to clear up his mind, wash everything down while holding that already cooled down cup of coffee he held since it was still burning the palm of his hands. But he didn't care about burning his hands because of coffee. He's got much more important on his mind. And that's what prohibited him from sleeping decently.
At best, he could doze off a few minutes. But that little something always woke him up with a start, eyes with relatively noticeable rings. Over time, he became a real zombie. As when he's working on the new album. But then, things became quite complicated, and being a zombie at a gig wasn't kind of in the planning. Because, yes, he was also touring the band right at that time. And that, that was a cause of his insomnia too.
Now, he was alone in the tour bus, and he was staring at an invisible point in the air, while he was sitting in the sofa, with the umpteenth cup of coffee in his hands. Cold. And he didn't even touch it. Why? Because he was lost in his thoughts. As usual actually. Indeed, the other band mates had already taken the habit to see him wandering in the bus like a ghost, and never leaving it, exceptions for the concerts.
They tried to talk to him, but Rob just wouldn't let a shit out of his mouth. Not knowing what to do, they eventually let the time do the work. But it seemed that time didn't do anything... And, it was certainly not right to let the days go, that he would go better. But they decided to not say anything, just to get the time to find a solution for him.
What they started to understand slowly was that there was absolutely no solutions to this problem. And that, that was a serious problem.
Rob sighed, closing heavily his tired eyes. He wanted to sleep, but he knew he couldn't. Surprisingly, he was starting to drowse a little while his head fell more and more on the side, and the pressure on his shoulders was releasing.
But as expected, something woke him up just before he could fall asleep. Except that wasn't his mind, but something physical.
The brown-haired man rose his head, unlocking again his blue eyes. His gaze met the person that prevented him from sleeping. That particular person was the one who had a piercing in mid of his lower lip, and who liked wearing caps and shades. He took them off, holding them in his hand, revealing his grey and deeply worried eyes. Maybe even with an ounce of reproach.
Rob could easily guess why he could possibly be upset. Because he was completely letting himself down, and showing no attention to do something about it. And he knew that mister Gareth McGrillen hated to see him in that shape. Especially when he saw how far he had managed to lead the band.
If only Gareth knew he actually was the problem.
Rob didn't even manage to smile a little when he saw him coming closer. He just felt that his eyes were more tired than ever, and that his shoulders were becoming heavier. Seeing the apathy of the brown-haired man, Gareth sighed softly, closing his eyes, and put down his shades on the table. Rob watched him sitting down by his side, with that look that everyone have when they want to talk about something important. He still stared at him and waited for him to talk first. His vocal cords were paralysed right at this second.
Gareth leaned on the table, looking at Rob. He seemed to have lost the ability to talk. But Rob didn't break the eye contact. It was all that remained for him to communicate without lying to him. Did he even know it? Surely he didn't.
Gareth got a little bit closer to him. He glanced at his cup of coffee.
- You've made coffee for nothing again? he asked, even if it was more like a statement than anything else. Rob looked down in shame. Indeed. But he still needed it. At least, the smell made him feel a little better.
Seeing he wasn't reacting the less, Gareth seized his cold cup of coffee, got up, and emptied it in the sink before sitting down again with him. Rob watched what he did, motionless, his hands dropping flat on the table. He sighed sightly. He got up too, heading to the door.
But he stopped, as he felt that he was withheld. It wasn't just an impression. He turned around and saw that Gareth was holding him by his tee-shirt, on an almost childlike way. He blinked, raising lightly his eyebrows while Gareth was removing his cap.
- Come back and sit. We gotta talk. he said in a very serious way. So, all Rob could do was coming back and sit down again, to talk. He settled down, and Gareth released his shirt. He sighed slowly while Rob was lowering his tired eyes. The bassist leaned on the table again, looking at Rob.
- Well, I'm listening. Go on, talk to me. Say whatever you want. he said. Rob couldn't repress that hollow laugh. It seemed so fucking simple. So simple for him. He was telling him to unpack everything on his mind, right now, merely and hastily. When he kept everything for himself for days over days... He didn't even lift up his eyes to Gareth.
- It's not that simple... he sighed weakly. Gareth clapped his hands with a delighted look.
- At least you said a few words. he smiled. Rob didn't answer him, keeping his mouth shut and quiet.
- Damn, seems that I've just lost you. Rob kept his head down. He didn't want to say it out loud. He didn't want to admit it. However, it was clear. But it was an horrible weight to carry on his heart. Rob felt so heavy. He felt his weighty gaze on him. He didn't want him to judge him, to see him differently. Rob closed his eyes. He could almost see his grey eyes tinged with anxiety, and with a certain form of frustration because he didn't want to say what's wrong, even to him. After all, they knew each other for years. Gareth felt almost hurt that he wasn't confessing even to him, keeping himself far away. But, well, he was like that when they first met. But why would he act like the sixteen-year-old teenage he was, now?
Gareth wanted to place a comforting hand on his shoulder, hoping that a physical contact would open his mouth. But on the contrary, Rob retracted himself, moving back when the bassist touched him. He let out a desperate sigh, almost ashamed of his own reaction. He lowered his head in the opposite direction of Gareth and pressed his eyelids, frowning. He got up in the seconds and went away, slamming the door of the tour bus when he left. Gareth didn't withheld him, still startled by his violent reaction.
Rob went out in the fresh air, and sank his hands in his pockets while leaving. It began to rain in the same time, but Rob didn't care. He just wanted to take his mind off everything, even he already knew it was not possible.
Later, in the afternoon, Rob still didn't come back, vanished somewhere. But Gareth knew it was useless to run after him in these cases, that it was better to leave him alone. Even if it depressed him a little, just thinking of it. In addition, it was raining like it never rained outside, and he went out with just a tee-shirt, without even a jacket. He was surely going to catch a cold. The bassist sighed then took a sip of coffee. He was worrying about him like he was his mother. But he was his best friend. It was normal.
He wanted to do something for him. But he persisted to push away his help. Why? Why on the earth wouldn't he want his help? While they've always supported each other... Whatever happened.
So, it was either something really fucking serious, or it was something that affected him. Gareth chose the first thought, because he couldn't see in what he could be a problem for Rob... Or, it was a mixture of the two? The bassist had some sort of premonition, but it would be too unlikely anyway. He jumped with the coffee in his hands when Kevin entered the bus, soaked by the rain.
- Gaz! Well? Rob's not haunting the bus today? he said while looking for Rob, being already used to see him sticking at the table, with a cup of coffee between his hands. Gareth shrugged his shoulders.
- He went out... he answered, a little bit depressed.
- Oh, great! Did he went out by himself? Or you accomplished that feat? the drummer smiled, drying his hair with his hand.
- I did.
- Oh, how?
- By touching him... he mumbled, gloomy. Kevin lost his smile.
- Oh... I see. he said. Shouldn't you be running after him to see what's wrong? he asked, without seeming, opening the fridge.
- No... He just needs to be alone... he sighed. Kevin closed the fridge and leaned on it, opening his drink.
- Don't you think he has been alone enough these days? he noticed. Gareth lowered a little his head.
- True. he admitted. Nobody could deny it anyway. But it's his way of being. he added in a mumble.
- Maybe he just needs to be forced to not isolate himself any more? Gareth rose his head to Kevin.
- I know him for years. When something is wrong, he just stays in his fucking corner.
- Maybe just this time he needs someone to pick him up? There was an instant of silence. It was true. Gareth hadn't considered it that way. He had always taken as basic his usual behaviour. But as it wasn't his usual behaviour, then must he behave differently too? Gareth rubbed his face. Of course, yes.
- Fuck yeah, you're right. he whispered, getting up suddenly. Kevin smiled at him.
- Well yes.
- But it's my fault if he went away like that. He certainly doesn't need me. he muttered as he sat down, suddenly cooled. You, go after him, Kev'. he said as he looked at the drummer. He shrugged his shoulders.
- I'm sure that he needs his best mate. he said, nonchalantly.
- He doesn't want my help!
- D'you know reverse psychology? I think it still works, even at that age. he laughed. Gareth frowned. It wasn't a joke. It was Rob. He got up.
- I'm going. he said as he left, putting on his jacket and taking Rob's one.
- Wise decision. Kevin smiled opening again the fridge as Gareth closed the bus's door.
On the outside, he took his mobile phone and called him, hoping he would answer him. But, the bassist heard the ringtone of Rob's mobile resonate in his jacket's pocket... Gareth let out an exasperated sigh as he put away his mobile and thought of where Rob could possibly be... Surely not that far. Well, that was what Gareth hoped, at least. He started to walk way, but then, he ran into someone and almost made him fall. When he rose his head, he noticed with surprise that he actually ran into Rob. Well, he really wasn't that far.
Gareth smiled when he saw him. But it was still raining hard.
- Rob! I was looking for you! Good God, you're all soaked. Why didn't you take your jacket? Oh, you're frozen... he said quickly as he felt the coldness of the singer's arm. His wet hair were almost covering his eyes, as his hairstyle was ruined by the rain. Rob didn't answer, keeping his eyes down in an almost guilty way. Gareth stared at him.
- Here... I took your jacket too. he said softly as he put it over his shoulders. That's when he noticed his red and ringed eyes. And his skin, paler than it used to be because of the rain and the coldness. Rob closed his eyes.
- Sorry. I'm a fucking mess at the moment. he sobbed suddenly, rubbing his eyes quickly with the back of his hands, without seeming it. Gareth shook his head, softened by this face of Rob he rarely saw, or never.
- Why are you saying that? Everybody has their ups and downs. You're not a machine. he said with a soothing smile. Rob shook weakly his head, without answering. The bassist did nothing else than embracing him gently, after a moment of thinking. He seemed so vulnerable. Even if he reacted violently when he tried to touch him earlier, Gareth didn't care. He was a tactile person.
But to his surprise, he felt him huddle against him. Naturally, he hugged tighter. As the rain was pouring.
As the days went, Rob got significantly better when the others looked at him. Yet, he stayed remote with the others, especially the bassist... The most important remained that he wasn't acting like a zombie any more and lived, more or less. But the distance imposed by Rob to Gareth frustrated this one, or even extremely irritated him. Just a few words. By days. And he barely even glanced at him. What had he done again? He was trying to be as nice as possible with him, and all he found to do was to flee.
He had to talk to him. But when he was trying to be alone with to have a little talk, he always found a way to escape that conversation. It was becoming almost upsetting. He felt like they were two magnets, of the same pole, and they were constantly repelling each other... Even if one of the two was desperately trying to stick the other. Maybe he had to turn round? But what the hell did that mean in their situation? That he had to force Rob to turn round to let him approaching and talk to him again?
Gareth rubbed his face with his hands when that thought went through his mind. He was way too tired, or his best friend was being a real hassle to him. It was true, he couldn't spend a second without thinking of him, without worrying about him. It was horrible. However, when he saw him, he wasn't even reassured. He needed to talk to him, to be sure that he was al right, that he was in a good shape. But hey, apparently Rob didn't want to talk to him.
The bassist sighed as he put his head against his arms, leaning on the table. When suddenly, he heard the door opens. He lifted his head up, and without noticing it, he just stood up when he saw Rob. That one already sketched the movement to flee away again.
- Rob, wait...! breathed Gareth, the first thing coming on his was to talk to him.
- Sorry, I... got no time. he excused himself quickly, clumsily, going as fast as he came in, without even looking at Gareth.
The bassist sat back with a sad sigh. They couldn't spend the rest of their life avoiding each other like that, could they? No, it was definitely not conceivable for Gareth. Fuck being gentle with him, he had to shove him seriously this time. And talk to him openly.
Later that night, after the fest gig, Rob vanished as usual, far from the others' company. But Gareth followed him, to the bus. Where he supposed that the goatee dude was going to isolate himself behind his computer or just going to sleep. Actually, he felt like he was kind of stalking him, but hey, when Rob saw him approaching, he's always automatically running away. So, he didn't even let him enter the bus, took him by the shoulders and tackled him more or less violently against the bus. Rob jumped out of fear and let out a tiny surprised shriek. When he saw that just Gareth, he took back his uneasy and anxious look. The bassist stared at him, unflinchingly.
- Come on, tell me why you're avoiding me. I know that you're avoiding everyone, but especially me, and you know, it fucking hurts. What the hell did I do wrong this time, uh? What should I do for you to talk to me again, just like before you suddenly became emo? he almost shouted at him, having almost tears in his eyes.
- Gareth, I... Rob began, a little confused.
- Shut the fuck up, I'm not done yet. he cut him drily. I do my best to be nice, kind, comprehensive. But now, I don't understand you any more! 'cause, whatever I do, you're avoiding me like some fucking shit. Got it? I'm fed up of you being a complete bastard. Damn, do I have to turn you round like a magnet or what?
Rob rose oddly his eyebrows about the magnet part. Gareth let it sink a little bit, rubbing his face in anger and shame, about the magnets story.
- Rob... I really, really care about you. You know it, right? Whatever you have against me, it makes me crazy. he mutters softly as he was looking the singer in his eyes. Rob lowered his head.
- I've nothing against you. Contrariwise... Gareth, I... just... I'm just afraid of your reaction. he breathed, as he was tired to recall all these bad feelings against himself.
- Afraid of my reaction? Why? You know you can tell me everything, don't you? the bassist asked, puzzled.
- Maybe not... that...
- What "that"? he insisted. Rob closed his eyes a moment, before raising up his head, sticking his dark blue gaze into his grey eyes.
- I love you. And much more than a best friend can... he finally confessed, these words haunting his mind for a long time, now. Gareth was dumbfounded. He was expecting everything, but this. Now, everything seemed so limpid. Hell, yes. The way he avoided him. The way he looked at him, when he did. His huge period of depression, angst, whatever. Well yes, he had to turn him round.
The bassist had a short laugh, slightly amused, turning away his eyes. Feeling almost cheated in front of so much obviousness. He turned to Rob again, stared at him a few seconds with his little smile, just before violently taking over his lips, framing his thin face with his hands. Rob almost had a heart attack and took a few seconds before closing his eyes too, and embracing Gareth closer to him. It was a kiss of relief.
They didn't stop until they couldn't breath any more. They both caught their breath, hastily, looking at each other intensely. Gareth caressed Rob's face.
- You fucking girl.
Rob smiled. It was true. Girls just like to beat around the bush forever.