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Ask Shepard:
An Advice Column
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Disclaimer: This author in no way profits from the writing of this story. All characters, dialogue, or other referenced material from the Mass Effect trilogy belongs to Bioware.
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What you've all been waiting for—Commander Shepard responds to fanmail, answers questions, and gives advice, right here on Galactic Enquirer Online! Exclusive: the hero of the Citadel uncensored!
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Dear Shepard,
I'm in love with the most beautiful asari, and I want her to love me back. I tried writing her a poem, but she didn't seem too impressed. I was thinking I might get her a present, but flowers and candy seem too boring. What do women like?
Prince Charr-ming
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Dear Prince,
Tanks. Chicks like tanks.
-Shepard
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Dear Commander,
Everyone always seems to do whatever you say. But the men under my command won't listen to me! What am I doing wrong?
LT Vic
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Dear LT,
Being in command means taking on serious responsibility. Your crew has to believe you are confident, and they have to believe in the importance of what they are doing.
Barring that, have you tried yelling? Yelling usually works for me, though sometimes you need to punch someone to keep them in line. One time I held a gun to a guy's head, and we were cool after that.
But now that I think about it, usually people listen to me without much questioning.
Maybe I'm just impossibly charming?
CS
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Hey! Hey, Shepard, remember me? It's Conrad Verner! Your biggest fan!
It's so so cool that you're writing an extranet column now! Maybe I should start one, too! I've been around, seen some things. I could give really good advice! Please write back, Shepard!
Your #1 Fan,
Conrad
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Conrad,
Didn't I tell you to go home?
-S
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Shepard-Commander,
Do you like us:
yes no
Geth
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Legion,
Seriously, stop. I know you have a crush on me. That whole "no data available" thing with my armor is bullshit and we both know it.
As you don't possess the proper parts, I refuse to enter into a relationship with you.
yes x no
Shepard-Commander
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Dear Commander Shepard,
Do you know what it is like to be in love? To have your beloved be unaware of your affection? Oh, the woes of unrequited love! Please, dear Shepard, have mercy on a fellow soul! How can I show the man of my dreams that I love him?
Doc Chloe
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Doc,
When I'm interested in a guy, I go up and tell him I want him. That nearly always works. Then again, I'm Commander-motherfuckin-Shepard. No one turns me down.
I also hear chocolate is a good way to go.
CMF
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My darling Tempest,
Her hair shines like fire, set off by ocean eyes
Though I rarely see her face while the Normandy flies
Far away her voice, so sweet in it's tones
When or how can I call her back home?
For my beautiful warrior, I must find a way
She will be brought back to me, out of the fray
Though danger's siren call draws us apart
With attrition I'll enter that armored heart.
With sincerest affection,
Admirer
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Dear Admirer,
Are you stalking me? I don't even like poetry.
….and who the hell told you my first name?
COMMANDER Shepard
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Dear Commander,
What suggestions do you have for dealing with a difficult superior officer? I find myself clashing with my CO quite often and could use some of your ever-brilliant advice.
M
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Dear "M",
I have one word for you: drink.
Have a nice day!
Commander Shepard
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Dear Commander Shepard,
I was in Zakera Ward the other day and noticed you advertising for rival stores. How can I get you to tell the world that my store is your favorite on the Citadel?
Your friend, Morlan
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Morlan,
I don't know, can we work out a discount?
Also, if you could stop sending me those emails, I'd appreciate it. You know the ones I mean.
-Shep
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Hey Shepard!
It's Conrad again! You remember me? Conrad Verner!
So I was reading about you on the extranet the other day, and an article said that you've killed thirteen thresher maws! Is that true? Please write back!
Your #1 Fan Conrad
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Conrad,
You can't believe everything you read on the extranet, Conrad. My kill count has to be at least over twenty.
Commander Shepard, master maw murderer
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Tempest my Darling!
I know that beneath that harsh, scarred soldier exterior is a gentle, loving heart, just as it is with me. Do not hide it any longer; I know your feelings for me are as strong as mine for you! I can hear the emotion within your voice, the emotion you try so hard to disguise. It need not be that way, dearest!
A poem for my deadly goddess:
I'll always be there to watch your six,
I'm amazed at your charming end to conflicts,
If I have no recourse I'll issue a command,
And we can save the galaxy, hand in hand.
With greatest affection,
Admirer
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Dear Admirer…
Who ARE you?
Shepard
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Battlemaster Shepard,
Perhaps you do not understand the ways of Tuchanka, but to ignore a breeding request is an insult to all of clan Urdnot. Report to the female camp as soon as you are able.
Urdnot Bakara
P.S. Make sure you are well rested before you come over.
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Urdnot chicks,
You do realize that I am both human and female and incapable of breeding with you? If you just wanted to have sex, you should have asked. I'm up for a little something if you are.
Unless krogan sex is fatal to humans or something. I better check that out first.
BATTLEMASTER Shepard (I like that)
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Dear Shepard,
There's a human who I think is into me, but I'm worried that I can't keep her interested. We're supposed to meet up soon. What should I do?
Bad Turian
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BT (hot name, btw),
One word: Alcohol. Always smoothes things over with the ladies. And sexy music, especially after you give her the alcohol.
In the meantime, you can keep her excited by doing really badass stuff. You know, like taking perfect headshots from around corners, saving her from certain death, going on suicide missions, that sort of thing. Chicks love that. But you have to survive the suicide mission. Can't get laid if you're dead.
Good luck BT! -Shep
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Dear Shepard,
I thought this was supposed to be an advice column? All you do is respond to letters from Conrad Verner!
-reader who shall remain nameless
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Dear RWSRN:
More than half my letters come from Conrad. You're lucky that I only post a few of them. Perhaps you should get your friends to write in for advice if you want some variety?
The Shep-lady
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Commander,
I have this girl I'm into, but she seems to have no idea. I think she only sees me as a friend. How do I show her that I'm interested without being obvious and embarrassing myself?
Friend-zoned
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Dear FZ,
You could always be her hero and save her from some mercs or something. Or if you're a wuss and can't do that, there's always presents. One time this guy gave me a really nice sniper rifle, and it was definitely a worthy investment, if you know what I mean. ;)
Sniper Shepard
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Commander Shepard,
My dad just contacted me for the first time in years and suddenly wants to be my friend. He totally abandoned me for most of my life! Should I tell him to fuck off or try to talk to him?
Drellie Downer
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Drellie Downer,
Did you ever stop to do your research and find out that I DON'T HAVE PARENTS? Because they were MURDERED by SLAVERS?
Why would you make me relive that?
Jerk.
-S
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Commander (ah, how sweet the title!)
Do not pretend you are unaware of my identity, heart of my heart!
You know me, and yet you do not know me at all. So close and yet so far (mostly far). I shall carry you in my heart, dearest one, no matter what comes! No reaper shall tear me from thee!
Admirer
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Admirer,
Seriously, stop writing me. This is creepy.
-Shepard
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Commander,
How do you deal with knowing about the reapers and no one listening to you?
From: I hate my job
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Dear IHMJ,
Drink. Seriously.
Just don't do it on Omega. That shit will kill ya.
Sympathetic Shepard
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Dear Shepard,
I've heard through the grapevine that you have a formidable model ship collection. I have quite a collection myself! I would love to hear more about your model ships.
Fedorian (call me Dory, everyone does)
PS. Do you ever get them out to play? (I do.)
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Dear Dory,
My model ships are my pride and joy! I have a large collection of ships from all different places. I have turian ships, quarian ships, geth ships, even Sovereign!
My favorite game is Normandy versus Sovereign.
Shepard 3 Ships
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Hey Commander, it's me, Conrad!
When are you coming back to the Citadel? We should hang out and kill bad guys together. Maybe I can join you on the Normandy?
Conrad (#1 fan) Verner
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Conrad,
I am never going back to the Citadel. Ever. I'm… too busy.
And the Normandy is full. No room. Totally full. Sorry.
-S
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Shepard,
Out of just simple harmless organic curiosity, what is your one weakness?
H
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Harbinger, is that you?
GTFO MY GALAXY, ASSHOLE!
-Shepard
PS. I do have a weakness for chocolate.
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Shepard,
I heard you had fish on your ship. How do you keep your fish alive long enough to eat them?
Kargesh
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Dear Kargesh,
No idea how to take care of fish! I got my assistant to do it. And why would I eat my pets?
-Shepard
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Commander Shepard,
Since you go on a lot of adventures I thought you might be able to help me. I found this prothean artifact. It doesn't seem to do much aside from making whispery sounds on occasion. Should I send it away to be studied? I'm not sure. I really want to keep it. I like it.
Adventurer
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Adventurer,
I have a mysterious prothean artifact too! I keep mine on my coffee table. But mine doesn't whisper or anything, it just gets larger when you touch it. (That's what she said!)
Shepard
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Dear Shepard,
What is your favorite weapon? Just wonderin', eh.
C-Sexy
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Dear C-Sexy,
This is a very difficult question. One of my favorites is the Tempest SMG. Why? Because I can have a gun with the same name as me!
Another favorite is the Kassa Locust. Yep, that Kassa Locust. Go on and be jealous, bitches!
And then there's the Widow sniper rifle. I've never seen a sexier weapon. It's got such a long, smooth barrel, and the power, well, you can just FEEL it rip through you. Literally rip through you, if you aren't a cyborg like me.
But the best weapon in the whole galaxy is CAIN. I can walk around with a nuke on my back. And no one can stop me because I'm a Spectre! How fucking awesome is that? My own nuke!
Thanks for writing in, C-Sexy! Off to play with my guns now.
Spectring is so awesome.
-S
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Dear Shepard,
My friend and I are trying to settle something. Do you prefer the M-35 Mako or the M-44 Hammerhead?
Esteban
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Dear Esteban,
I'm ALL ABOUT the mako! SO MUCH FUN to drive! And I know my crew liked it too because they were always trying to convince me to let them drive. I never did, though. MY mako.
-Shep
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Commander,
How do you keep morale up on your crew, especially during really dangerous missions?
Your crew always seems to be pissing rainbows even as they're walking into hell.
- Septimus
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Septimus,
First of all, having a bar on board does wonders. But my favorite thing to do to keep up morale is to plan random acts of fun! Once I bought a bunch of silly-string and we had a silly-string war in the mess hall. Another time I invited the dancing girls from Afterlife onto the ship for a party, but my XO overrode me and canceled. Bitch.
-Shepard
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Friendly: Dear Shepard,
Shocked and awed: Extranet sources say that you had a conversation with a reaper. Curious: What did it say? What did you say?
Xeltan
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Dear X,
Actually I've had several convos with reapers. Most of them went something like this:
Reaper: Hey bro, we're going to destroy you!
Me: No way, bro!
Reaper: Yes way! And you can't stop us!
Me: Watch me!
Yeah, I'm pretty awesome, huh?
-Commander-motherfuckin-Shepard
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My darling!
How much longer shall we be parted? So briefly have I seen your face! I have called for you, but you have not come! Why do you toy with my heart so?
Admirer
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Admirer,
Who the fuck are you?
How am I supposed to answer to your call if I don't even know who the hell you are? Also, please tell me who you are so I can get a restraining order.
Commander Shepard
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Shepard.
Please enlighten us all as to how you run such successful operations. Your success rate is highly unusual. My operations rarely run so smoothly. They usually end with more zombies than they started with.
TIM
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Dear Tim,
I dunno, Tim, I just do my thang and stuff seems to work out. People sometimes volunteer to help because they think it's a good cause. Or maybe because I'm impossibly charming. Hard to tell.
Shep
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Dear Shepard,
I hear you own a Kuwashii visor with the built-in audio player! What are your favorite songs to listen to while fighting?
Not A Merc
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Dear definitely a merc,
Having a battle soundtrack is awesome. Everyone should have one! My favorites are:
-the Blasto soundtrack (perfect because I'm a spectre too!)
-Ride of the Valkyries (old but EPIC!)
-the Flux Club music (once I get a good rhythm going)
-I'm Sexy and I Know It (do I really need to explain this one?)
Hope this helps,
Shepard
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Heeey Shepard,
Since you're an Alliance chick, maybe you can help me here. I've got a thing for girls in uniform, but none of the ladies I hit on seem interested. How can I score with a soldier babe like you?
Fade
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Harkin,
You are the most disgusting person I've ever met. Should have let Garrus shoot you when he had the chance.
You'll never "score" with a "soldier babe". Sorry, we don't like douchebags.
Commander-motherfuckin-Shepard
PS. I've never forgiven you for calling me "princess".
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Shepard-Commander,
We can procure attachments that have been proven to be superior to the organic equivalent. These attachments have been demonstrated to provide a more pleasurable experience 87% of the time.
Legion
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Legion,
NOW we're talking. Report to Normandy Deck 1 to demonstrate these "attachments" for me, ASAP! ;)
Also, buying me a tank couldn't hurt your chances. Just saying.
Shepard-Commander
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Hope you had fun with this! I may write more if I get the inspiration, especially if it generates some interest. If you want to make guesses about the authors of some of the less obvious letters, feel free. :)
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