The panic attacks were getting more frequent. Fear. Helplessness. He felt weak. Everything seemed to be a trigger now. A small joke at his expense, the Captain talking about his mother, he can't become his older self. Spock entered his quarters. The box. The box, where did he put it? It was almost painful, shaking, hyperventilating. His human emotions taking over. He felt sick. He wasn't this primitive. He was Vulcan, he was in control of his emotions. They would not be in control of him. He injected the hypo in his neck. Relief. His breathing normalized, the shaking stopped, he was in control. He stood and left to return to the bridge in silence.
---
"Nurse Chapel?"
"Yes doctor?" The blonde spoke, approaching McCoy
"Have you used any sedatives lately?"
"No, not at all, why?"
"They're all missing. It's odd, I haven't used any either." Bones paused, thinking, "Computer? Who had last access to Medical supply H-5?"
"Commander Spock accessed medical cabinet H-5 Twelve hours ago."
"Twelve hours ago? What the hell was he in here for? Why would he need six sedatives?" He stared at the Nurse questioningly for a moment and paced to the intercom "Mr. Spock to the sick bay."
---
"Spock, have you been feeling alright lately?" The Vulcan tensed,
"Yes doctor."
"You were in here last night though, you sure you're alright?"
"I feel fine now, yes." Spock swallowed
"Do you know anything about some missing sedatives?"
"You are missing sedatives? Perhaps nurse Chapel used them."
"Spock, I would need to know if something was wrong."
"I can assure you, I'm quite healthy, doctor. Now if you'll excuse me, I must return to the bridge." And as he left, Spock knew that the Doctor knew.
---
A week later it happened again.
"God damnit!"
"Doctor?" Nurse chapel rushed to McCoy where he stood at medical cabinet H-5.
"They're all gone again! I swear I just got more hypos yesterday when we docked!"
"Perhaps, you're mistaken. Doctor. I mean, there's no way we used, how many?"
"Ten!"
"There's no way we used ten sedatives since yesterday."
"I'm getting to the bottom of this. Computer, I need a record of everyone whose accessed medical cabinet H-5 since 4 o'clock ship's time yesterday." The PADD in his hand beeped, showing two entries. He huffed then walked up to a computer, pushing several buttons to bring up the surveillance from the sick bay. "I knew it! It's that damned hobgoblin!"
---
"I knew it was you."
"I must say I do not know what you are speaking of."
"What are you taking the damned sedatives for?"
"Doctor as I told you yesterday--"
"I saw it on surveillance!" Spock remained silent and looked away. "Spock, is something wrong, because if it is, I need to know, damn it!" There was a long pause as the two stared each other down.
"I have been suffering from episodes of anxiety. The hypos serve to cease each anxiety attack in turn."
"Spock, these sedatives have serious side effects like--"
"Nausea, vomiting, vertigo, dependency." Spock stated factually. McCoy crossed his arms and stared at him expectantly, Spock stared back. McCoy huffed and grabbed his tricorder, scanning over Spock's body.
"Nurse chapel, could you please leave us for a while?" the doctor said, not bothering to look toward the female as she left. "Sit down, Spock." Spock sat on the medical bed with his usual perfect posture and McCoy pulled up a chair and sat before him, though considerably lower to the ground. "Panic attacks?" He had taken some psychology as required of medical students, and was pleased to remember that sitting lower than other people promoted a relaxed atmosphere that promoted trust.
"Yes, doctor."
"How long and often have you been having them?"
"Increasingly, since--" there was a pause, "Since my mother's death."
"Recently how often?" McCoy did his best to sound professional. He and the Vulcan had their moments, but he still felt for Spock's grief. Spock, he noticed, had taken to looking at his hands in his lap.
"Nearly daily." He was getting quiet, McCoy stood, "I.. I feel I am falling apart… for lack of a better term."
"Spock." McCoy couldn't understand himself. His muscles had tensed and he was aching for something…
"I am losing control."
"Spock, you're half human, you have to have some emotion."
"No, no, I understand that. I will feel when I choose, however it is when I can't choose, that it simply…" He paused for a moment, and McCoy could tell he couldn't describe what he wanted to, "I do not wish for my emotions to be in control of me."
"Spock, panic attacks aren't your emotions; they're signs of a mental condition." The doctor explained ad he looked through the computer for something, not looking at the Vulcan.
"Doctor, there is nothing wrong with my cerebral function."
"Spock, you're so desperate you're stealing the ships medical supplies, I'd say there's something wrong, you damned hobgoblin." He paused and read a file, then walked over to a medical cabinet.
"I would appreciate you refraining from using monikers that have a negative connotation." Spock confessed, and after a moment, "I… I need help." McCoy stopped what he was doing ad approached the other officer. Spock hadn't said he required assistance, he had admitted that he was vulnerable and human too, and McCoy knew Spock must have really hurt to say that.
"Well, I'm gonna give it to you." McCoy spoke genuinely, resting his hands on the Vulcan's shoulders. Spock looked up,
"I want to be in control."
"I know, Spock, I know." he said, pulling the larger male into an embrace. Spock returned the embrace, squeezing the doctor tightly. "I'm gonna help you, I promise."
And Leonard McCoy was sure that his view of Spock had changed. How, he wasn't sure, but it had definitely changed…
If I get some good reviews I might continue this later. Please R&R!
And now I should return to Enlightening Circumstances…