Disclaimer: I own nothing but my own imagination.
Summery: An AU of the Boosh world. Howard and Vince met under different circumstances, and Bainbridge is in the thick of it. But why exactly is he keeping Vince upstairs with a strange portal and a pony? Dark fic.
Dizzy: 1 Up The Stairs.
Howard had never been to Bainbridge's house before. But it was huge. Howard had been working at the zoo for a couple of years, and had naturally heard of the man's successful missions earning him fame. Somehow he'd never imagined himself seeing the fortune he had been blatantly cheated out of paraded in front of him.
However, when your slightly deranged boss orders you to go to your archenemy's house for tea, you couldn't refuse. Not if this was the only way he was going to keep his job. Besides, he was Howard Moon, man of action; he wasn't about to run away.
Recently life had gotten exceedingly dull and repetitive, even Miss Gideon wasn't peeking his interest like she normally did. Maybe he was going to get a promotion? But Howard could hardly even get excited about that. He hadn't felt truly alive in a long time; he sincerely doubted that was going to change in his rival's house.
Howard stepped through the imposing doors to find a decorated and well-lit entrance hall. Very grandeur and fine. Howard grimaced, sometimes he was glad for his small hut at the zoo.
"Ah, Moon." Came the pompous voice across the hall.
"Bainbridge." Howard replied curtly once he turned to face the oncoming figure.
"Now I know you'll understand that I don't want to sit and have tea with the likes of you, however, I find myself in need of your assistance."
"Oh really." Howard smirked as he said it, loving the position the great explorer was now in. He intended to milk it for all it was worth, but Bainbridge evidently had other ideas.
"Yes, I require you to house-sit whilst I am away on my many duties. As much as I am loath to let you into my house, you are the most expendable person at the zoo." Howard was insulted enough by the last statement not to wonder exactly why it was important that he was 'expendable'.
"Now I will be leaving tonight and will return in three days. You are not to leave the house, you are not to go to the upstairs floor, everything you need is downstairs and I don't want you to lose track of time. Oh, and don't be afraid of any... noises you may here, it's a large house after all, and accidents tend to happen. Are we clear Moon?"
"Yes, very." Howard found the instructions a tad strange, but he had little time to dwell on this before Bainbridge gave him a list of what not to touch whilst he was there. Since the entire house seemed off limits, Howard decided he'd generally ignore the rules, and the slight prickling of apprehension that was creeping upon him.
"Well, I'm off. Hope your still here when I get back..." Bainbridge trailed off suspiciously as he went, and Howard was left standing in the middle of the hall, with nothing but silence for company.
Two hours later found Howard in front of the plasma screen with a beer contently in hand. To say he was enjoying himself was a good assumption. He got to scam on his rival whilst watching a jazz program full blast.
'Here comes the slap base.' He thought with great anticipation. 'Oh yeah.' He tapped his hand appreciatively in time with the music.
Howard jerked at a thunderous crashing from above him. Turning off the TV he listened, but heard no more. After a few seconds of careful listening he decided he must be hearing things, and turned the TV back to jazz.
A scream jerked Howard Moon from the sofa. The high-pitched yell stopped as suddenly as it had begun, followed by another crashing noise.
Heart racing Howard stood stock still, listening. There were constant rumblings and squeaks of floorboards from above him.
He should just stay here right? Or maybe call the cops? That was the sensible thing surely. However as the rumbling carried on above him, an idea struck the man of action.
If Bainbridge was running some sort of illegal fighting ring upstairs, which was what it sounded like, this was the perfect opportunity to get some dirt on the jumped up explorer.
With that in mind Howard fished his photographer's camera out of his bag and crept into the hall to stand in front of the huge carpeted staircase that led to the gloom of upstairs.
Creeping down the dark corridor upstairs, it felt as though the walls were closing in on him. Soon Howard became aware that the sounds, which involved a lot of clanging, banging and general rumbling, occasionally accompanied by grunts and the short high pitched screaming.
Howard managed to overcome his nerves as he reached a rickety looking ladder, completely out of place with the finery around him. Gulping, he began his assent.
As he pushed through the trap door above him he saw yet another long dark corridor, this one with no windows. It looked like this part of the house was once finely decorated, but that it had fallen into disrepair.
It didn't help that there were numerous vases shattered on the floor, fallen pieces of artwork and general rubble.
"Ahhhh!"
Howard saw a sudden flash of silver dart across the end of the corridor as the high-pitched scream traveled with it. Shortly after the silver streak came a large pink horse wearing white heeled boots, followed by a giant white rabbit that was grunting in a very unnerving fashion.
As the noise and unusual party carried on out of Howard's sight he stood staring for a good few seconds, mouth agape. 'What on earth?' The jazz maverick questioned internally. Managing to snap out of his trance Howard shook his head and begun to run after the odd group.
"Wait!" He called as he ran into an adventure that would change his life forever.
Howard turned at the end of the corridor and down another into the only room in sight. As he ran through the open doorway he saw racks upon racks of clothes hats and accessories, but most were lying on the floor and scattered in heaps. Mirrors coated every surface of the room apart from two doors on either side of the room. Neon lights shone from random locations, such as the floor of stuck to mirrors.
Suddenly a clothes rack collapsed by Howard, the silver figure sprawling over the glittering clothes. Howard took in that the women was wearing a strange silver all in one, until she rolled over, and Howard swiftly discovered the she was a he.
"What the?" He begun bemused as the raven-haired figure looked up at him in shock from the floor. The strikingly blue eyes stuck on his for a second before switching back to the door that opened on the other side of the room, the large white rabbit bounding out of it squeaking almost in triumph.
"Oh shit!" The strange man exclaimed, scrambling to his feet and attempting to run, only to fall over as his heeled boot caught in a scarf. He fell painfully and scrambled away on his knees to the other door as the rabbit bounced closer.
Howard begun to run forwards to help in some way before the pink heeled pony galloped in from the other room and reared over the rabbit, distracting it. The silver man opened the heavy wood door, revealing a black blue abyss with neon green smoke swirling out of it.
"Now Plan Pony!" The man yelled urgently at the freakish pink beast.
The 'Plan Pony' kicked the giant rabbit backwards towards the abyss room. At the same time however it hit a decrepit looking set of hangers, sending them flying into the shiny figure.
The rack hit him in the back and he toppled over it, the rabbit tumbled backwards over the edge, grabbing the white boot of the fallen man in order to save himself.
"Ah!" The man exclaimed as he was dragged towards the abyss, the pony ran forwards once more and stomped down on the rabbit's furry hand and the mans booted ankle.
The rabbit let go with a squeaky scream, the pony pranced away from the now flashing room beyond the door and the silver person lifted both legs and kicked the door closed, the slam it created was satisfying.
Abruptly the pony vanished in several glittering flashes of pink.
Howard stood gaping once more at all that had transpired before him, the black haired, pale man lay on the floor panting slightly before turning to look at him.
"Alright." He said with a slight laugh to his voice. "Who're you?"
Howard swiftly overcame his initial shock.
"Howard Moon. And you?"
"Vince Noir, rock and roll star!"
"Uh right. Look, why are you here? Bainbridge doesn't have a son does he?"
"I live here, have done for a couple of years, I'm his nephew." It seemed that the man constantly had a carefree grin and laugh in his voice.
"Then why are you up here?" Something wasn't quite sitting right with Howard about this whole affair and the strange circumstances that he had found this Vince in.
"I have the whole floor to myself! And I can decorate these rooms however I like, I'm thinking of doing the bathroom purple." He said happily, even a little excited about the prospect of re-painting a room.
"But why aren't you allowed downstairs?" He questioned the shiny creature.
"How'd you figure that?" He asked, still lying on the floor and playing with a feather boa.
"Well I wasn't allowed upstairs, so it stands to reason that you aren't allowed downstairs." Howard explained to the man he was thinking was slightly simple, given his perpetual grin.
"Bainbridge doesn't like me going downstairs, besides, I've got all this." Vince replied, waving around to indicate the mirrors and mess. Howard found his earlier assumption was wrong, Vince's dizzy grin slipped and he fingered the feather boa, holding it closer to him, as if the proximity of fascinatingly outstanding clothes could comfort him.
Howard did not say any of the harsh or philosophical things he usually said in these situations that made him seem big and clever, and attracted equally philosophical women to him. Because Vince, in the few minutes he had known him, managed to bring out honest feelings in Howard. Howard himself hadn't felt this included in a long time, which was strange really.
"Hey there little man, lets go down there and get a drink, I could go for a beer."
"I'd prefer sprite." Vince replied in a slightly less morose manner, although he still clutched the feathery scarf.
"Well there's some of that in the fridge." Howard tempted, as one would to an upset child.
"Alright then." Vince replied, looking up with the dizzy grin once more.
Howard smiled in return, the first genuine smile in a long time.
Vince begun getting up before wincing and falling back to the ground, legs bent awkwardly.
"You okay there?" Howard questioned, moving closer and frowning as Vince breathed shallowly.
"My ankle really hurts." He breathed out, surprised.
"Is it broken?" Howard asked urgently as he bent to examine the limb that the horse had trodden on. Gently he pulled off the white boot to see that Vince's ankle was bleeding and sitting at an odd angle. Swiftly he turned it over, seeing the bone protruding from the flesh. Vince yelped as Howard touched the evidently broken ankle, and then looked down to see the state it was in.
"Oh God!" He exclaimed, squirming backwards as if to separate himself from the limb.
"Vince, Vince!" He stopped squirming. "Calm down, we'll get you to a hospital alright?" Vince nodded shakily; starring at the blood wide eyed the whole time. Howard didn't like how fast the young man was breathing, it must be painful, but Vince looked more panicked then anything else.
Howard helped the shiny man to his feet and supported him as he hoped out of the room. The jazz maverick found it strange that he felt at ease with this strange creature, he was nothing that Howard had ever seen before and he had only just met him, yet he actually found that he was worried for him.
One thing Howard knew for sure was that something very wrong was going on here, and Bainbridge was the source. He wasn't going to let his anyone, let alone this sweet, carefree kid, live alone, secluded to solitude in the house of a terrible man, who knows what was going on? But Howard Moon, man of action, would be sure to get to the bottom of this mystery.
::Hope you liked! Please let me know.
::Thanks for reading, shadowtheo.