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A/N: No monkeys were harmed during the writing of this fic. As for kittens…..

It wasn't exactly the sort of thing you expect to come home to. Even when you're married to Bellatrix Black, which renders the possibilities endless, this seemed absolutely ridiculous.

All seemed well (ok, not well, but relatively normal) when Rodolphus walked into the library, hoping to find something to read to distract him from the psychopath he seemed to be married to, but then it all went downhill. First of all, when he noticed Bellatrix was there. Second of all, when he noticed there was a small creature, that could have been a monkey, clinging to the top of one of the bookcases. Third of all, when Bellatrix set said creature on fire. This was not normal, even for this house.

"Is that..a monkey?"

She looked back at him, twisting her lips into that zealous, sadistic smirk, "Not just any monkey."

"No, it's on fire."

"I'm not blind. Good to see you've got eyes too."
"But…it's on fire."

"Never." She retorted, voice dripping with sarcasm, "It's an undead monkey."

"An…undead monkey?" He couldn't help be bewildered and couldn't help noticing that it was getting dangerously close to igniting his new curtains.

"An undead monkey. Who doesn't want an undead monkey?"

"Where…? How?"

"Doesn't matter." He shrugged a bit as she gave him that deadly 'don't even think of asking' look.

"Could you put it out, it's…" His jaw fell as his carefully chosen curtains went up in flames… "going to catch the curtains."

She sighed and cast an Aguamente charm at the screeching creature, which ceased its wailings and now looked more like a damp, smouldering rat. "There, happy now?"

"My…curtains.."

"I hate the curtains."

"But I…"

"You've got a wand, haven't you?"

"Yes, but it's in there." He waved his hand in the general direction of somewhere vague, "That'd mean leaving you and the zombie primate alone."

"Aww, don't you trust me with a monkey?"

He saw his opportunity to get his revenge slightly, "Well, judging by some of the men you sleep with…"

"Listen, Mr Rodolphus 'I sleep with my cousin-in-law' Lestrange, I, and only I make the snarky comments in this house."

"What are you going to do? Set your monkey on me?"

"Why not? I'm sure it wants revenge for all the Crucios I've thrown at it."

"I'm still not scared of a monkey, undead or not."

"You should be. Can't kill these things, you know. It's what undead implies."

"Why the hell did you want an undead monkey anyway?"
"Who doesn't want one?"

"No, seriously."

"It's good for stuff."

"Like?"

She shook her head at him and fired several hexes in the general area of the monkey and replied through her teeth, sentence punctuated at regular intervals by monkey screeching.

"Like." screech "Reliving"panicked whine "Stress at" high pitched wail "Annoying Men" terrified whimper "My mother" another screech "Forced me" faint monkey crying "To marry."She lowered her wand and the monkey sighed slightly in relief.

"It's your stress ball, then?"

"Yes. I hate you."

"And I you. We should get it engraved on our wedding rings."