The only things he could focus on now were the way the nicotine coated his tongue, the warm sensation of smoke encased in his throat and the way it lazily streamed from his chapped lips. Eli watched as the vapors wafted into the night air, lingering high above to the dark sky. Resting his head back against the brick wall behind him, Eli closed his eyes. His lit cigarette dangled haphazardly from his fingers, a clear disregard apparent in his body language. He didn't know what time it was now nor did he truly care to find out. If he had to venture a guess, he'd assume it was one in the morning, maybe even later but that truly didn't hold much merit to him now. His night was already a blur, a migraine persisting from the toxic smells in the seedy club. He needed a moment to himself, now seeking refuge in a back alley, sitting a few feet away from a large garbage bin and skillfully dodging a rather large puddle that filled a pothole.
This was his life now, a fact he had long since accepted years ago. But the gradual process that led him here was the last thing he would have wanted for himself. He had dreams, aspirations that actually seemed attainable but those were all cut short, just like her life. The memory of that night was still sharp in his mind, the images always flashing back to him most prominently at nights. His dreams were always filled with her screams, haunted by the final look he had of her, watching as the light left her eyes once and for all.
Her ghost still lived in the walls, no matter how many drinks he downed to drive her out. If he focused long enough, he could still smell her in the sheets despite how many girls temporarily took her place beside him. It was all a quick fix to a permanent problem. His depression had gotten the best of him, crippling each and every day of his life since she was taken away from him in the most severe of ways.
His life had become a never-ending series of trying to fill the void in his heart but nothing could remedy the damage that had been done. He was broken, marred, and unfixable despite all the meager attempts made to right the wrongs.
It made him laugh thinking on it, the tale reminding him of the childhood story he'd heard countless times. All the king's horses and all the king's men didn't stand a chance in hell of putting him back together again.
It was just as well in his eyes. After all, he had been the one behind the wheel. He was the one that didn't see the truck coming. He was the one who didn't act fast enough. He was the one who didn't keep her safe. And yet for all those errors, he was the one who survived. The cruel irony of that didn't escape his notice. If anything, it followed him like a shadow, never far behind and always present.
He drew in a breath before raising his hand to his mouth, parting his lips and taking a long drag from his cigarette. Once more he focused solely on the feeling, the mild distraction exactly what he needed. With a cigarette in his hand and drinks in his system, he had a decent buzz going for himself. Despite the noticeable chill in the air, he felt warm- compliments of the alcohol mixing into his bloodstream and his signature leather jacket wrapped around his body.
He couldn't say with certainty how he ended up outside. It had to have only been twenty minutes or so and already the moments before were a blur to him. In the grand scheme of things it didn't matter. No one would really care to go looking for him. Better yet, he wondered if anyone would even know he had gone missing in the first place. Now he was in his own little corner of the world, far removed from everyone else. That was just the way he liked it, craved it actually. The only times he longed for company was when the sting of loneliness got to be too much. Then and only then did he reach out, finding a random girl to spend the night with, forgetting her name with the rising sun come morning.
His gaze was fixed on the sky, watching the few stars that shined against the inky expanse. He wondered what it was like to be up there, to be admired by so many but out of reach completely. While he was successful at staying away from people, he was still here, subjected to the confines of the world. His life felt more like a prison sentence than something worth experiencing.
Eli rose from his spot on the ground, swaying and reaching a hand out to the wall to steady himself. His sense of balance was completely thrown off, a heavy case of vertigo hitting him all at once. Now he could feel the drinks heavily, his feet staggering against the asphalt drive.
He planted his combat boots to the ground, his body still moving on its own accord. The sudden rush took a moment to fade, Eli then breathing in steadily through his nose and out through his mouth. His cigarette survived the quick change in position, still taking up residence between his lips. It was a small victory but an important one as he continued to waste it away until only a stub was left.
The dull sound of music could be heard, undoubtedly from the club he just left. It was something upbeat, house music that buzzed lowly in his ears as he tried to collect himself. He licked his lips, biting down on the lower one as he took a tentative step away from the wall, his hand still extended just in case the task proved more difficult than need be.
A door opened from somewhere behind him, the loud clink of metal sounding more like a shot in the dark to him. His brows furrowed in irritation of it all. His solitude was now being compromised, the music spilling out into the alleyway. He could make out the sound of footsteps as the door closed back loudly but he didn't bother to turn around.
He took another step and one more before the footfalls of the other person stopped.
"Eli?" the voice called, making him freeze.
He turned then, squinting in the low light to see the face. Coupled with the drinks he had from before, his drunken stupor made it harder for him to identify this unknown person.
"Eli? Is that you?"
Despite how drunk he was, he knew better than to go blindly to someone he didn't know. He waved them off, grunting and shuffling his feet in the opposite direction. He wasn't sure where he was headed to but he grew tired of this scenery now, wanting nothing more than to find some place new where he could be alone.
"I swear to God. You call me out of my sleep and you're ignoring me? Awesome. Thanks, buddy."
Now it registered to him who the owner of the voice was. His words confused him though. Had he really called him? He must have seeing as though no one knew his whereabouts. He couldn't remember talking to anyone or much of anything really. As far as he knew, his story checked out.
"Go home. I take care myself," Eli slurred, rubbing stubbornly at his eye with his back turned.
"You've got to be kidding me. This is getting old, Eli. Enough's enough," Adam shouted.
He rarely ever raised his voice and that fact struck a chord with him. He could hear the disappointment that colored his anger. For Eli, that's what stuck out the most, how tired and drained his best friend was at his expense. It wasn't something he had ever set out to do intentionally but Eli had lost his way. Adam was all he really had left and most days Eli had to wonder why his friend even bothered. So many people had written him off but he remained, putting up with all the bullshit that came along with Eli going so far off track it was hard to believe he was the same person responsible for so many noteworthy novels.
In the blink of an eye, it all changed and life as he knew it to be was never the same again. He wanted to isolate himself from everyone that had a connection to Julia, if only for the fact that it pained him even more to see their faces and know that he was the reason why she was no longer here today. But Adam had stuck by his side through the years, way before things took such a drastic change for the worst.
"It's three o'clock in the morning. Where do you think you're going now?"
Anywhere but here, Eli thought wistfully to himself but he couldn't bring himself to answer Adam. He didn't have the slightest clue what to do next. As always he was making things up as he went along but in such a drunken state, that was proving to be easier said than done.
He stuffed his hands in his pockets as he stopped dead in his tracks, hearing Adam approach him.
"You reek, Goldsworthy," he noted, trying to make light of it as his nose scrunched up at the mix of drinks and ash that covered his best friend.
"That's the least of my problems," Eli muttered.
His glazed eyes met with Adam who let out a heavy sigh. "I know. I know," he replied regretfully, patting Eli on the back.
His hands balled up into fists at his sides, his eyes closing for a moment before reopening. His anger was getting the best of him but he knew he didn't have anyone to blame but himself. He was the one who made the foolish decision to leave his house late night. He was the one who decided he could handle going to a club. He was the one who decided to sit at the bar. He was the one who accepted the drink a cute brunette insisted that he have.
And that was the beginning of yet another end.
"It's a step back, okay? These things happen sometimes but that doesn't mean you can't get better," Adam reassured him, dropping his hand from his back.
"I want to go home," he said resolutely, wanting to end the conversation right then and there.
"Alright, let's get out of here."
The pair walked alongside one another in silence, neither of them wanting to discuss the proverbial elephant in the room. Eli was already regretting his hasty choice and Adam was forgiving enough not to chew him out about it. Eli suspected a lecture would be coming his way the next day but that was something he could tolerate, knowing he deserved it full well. He had made the choice to get his life back in order but now he had hit- what Adam liked to downplay it as- a bump in the road.
This failure felt more serious than that. He knew it was more serious than that. He slipped back into old habits, ones he knew he would be better off avoiding but the temptation was staring him in the face in the form of a pretty girl with a great smile who clearly couldn't see just how messed up he was. His bad boy image wasn't a façade like it might have been for other guys. It was a product of his loner like tendencies and desperate desire to fade into the background.
But for some reason it had an inverse effect, making it so he came across more like a problem that needed to be solved. Everyone enjoyed a good mystery and Eli Goldsworthy was a walking enigma in and of himself. He never let anyone get too close to say that they truly knew him. He offered up just enough information that he wasn't labeled a stranger. He never delved into his past or future, always managing to stay in the moment and focus on the present.
His past was far too laden with heartbreak and terror, things he wished more than anything that he could forget. His future was a complete unknown with a large question mark over it. It was anyone's guess as to where he would go from here. He had hit rock bottom and each attempt he made to climb out of the hole he landed himself in, Eli seemed to always lose his footing, slipping up here and there.
Tonight was a prime example of that, a fight with his current flame driving him out of his own home. He and Imogen had a tumultuous relationship that ran so hot and cold and could only be described as toxic. He'd known her a little over a year. Meeting her had been unexpected but somehow she worked her way in enough to be in his life for as long as she had been. An afternoon of grocery shopping led to her spotting him. At first it was unsettling to have someone recognize him but Imogen was unafraid as she sauntered over, raving about his novel.
Exchanged phone numbers and one night together a few days later cemented their pseudo relationship. They were never exclusive, Eli making it clear that dating was not on his agenda. It was pointless to make such a disclaimer anyway. Imogen had a wandering eye and Eli couldn't blame her. Things between them were more so physical than anything else and that suited Eli just fine.
She was the lay that stayed as he liked to put it so eloquently. Of all the girls he hooked up with, she was the most frequent, the one who actually had a place in his life. It wasn't a clear title but Eli already knew that she didn't care for one truly. They would find their way back to one another if need be; an unspoken deal that was the equivalent of a rollercoaster.
At odd times she could grow a bit possessive until Eli pissed her off enough to go find someone else or a better option was waiting in the wings. They fought hard but Eli welcomed that, knowing the makeup sex that always followed made it worth the headache she was sure to induce.
He wasn't too thrilled about having to return home now, hoping that the early morning hours meant that she wore herself out from all her screaming and had fallen asleep. She would be calmer in the morning he knew from experience. Once she had the night to cool off, they could approach one another far more civilly. Eli was a hothead by nature and Imogen seemed to know each and every way to push his buttons, so unafraid to share the knowledge she had on that and get under his skin.
Often times he knew that he should cut ties with her, even getting the speech from Adam as well but he never did. It was one of the very few traces of semblance he had in his life, no matter how dysfunctional it might have been. The way he saw it, his life was already a train wreck. What difference did it really make?
That was a question he found himself asking when things were smoothed over but now with the uncertainty of what he would return home to hanging over him, Eli was once more contemplating his life and taking stock of it. His mind was too crowded now to make much leeway, deciding it best not to strain himself too much. All of that could be held off until later, when his hangover passed and he could think clearly.
As they reached the end of the alley, Adam glanced over to him.
"You know, it would be helpful if you picked up your phone when I call."
"I don't remember even calling you to begin with," Eli mumbled, his hands moving into the pockets of his jacket.
"Oh boy," Adam sighed, shaking his head and turning right.
Eli didn't say anything as he fished out his phone as he tripped over his feet clumsily. He pressed the screen only for it to remain black. Holding it up to his friend, he shrugged his shoulders.
"It died. I'm sorry, Ad. I'm really, really sorry about this, man."
"Dude, don't worry about it. I'm just glad you got in touch with me. Come on, I'm parked just ahead."
Eli fell silent once more, obediently following alongside Adam, pocketing his phone but keeping his hand clutched around it. He wasn't sure what to say though he figured Adam could already guess. This wasn't his first time picking Eli up from some place sketchy at night but just like all the instances before, he hoped- perhaps in vain- that it would be the last time.
Adam had his own life to live, a devoted girlfriend back at his place that he had to leave in the middle of the night to step in and clean up his mess. It was hardly fair and Eli knew it, vowing to himself right then and there to figure out a way to make up for it and repay his debt somehow. He was coming up short on ideas just then, attributing his inability to think once more on the night he had, the stupid fight and idiotic mistake of drinking. He tried his best to dislodge that from mind now and focus on Adam's words from before, no matter how empty they felt for him.
He appreciated the support of his friend, his willingness to have his back and get him out of a tight spot each time. They were like brothers, family as far as he was concerned. Even if he complained and made it known that he was unhappy with how Eli was living his life, he never once turned his back on him. Eli felt guilty over that fact, not wanting Adam to feel as if he were being used somehow. But the snags in the road came about unexpectedly at times, far too quickly for Eli to really avoid them.
Taking his keys out of his pocket, Adam opened the passenger side, helping Eli in and letting out a sigh as he buckled his seatbelt for him before closing the door. By the time he got into the car, Eli's eyes were closed, his head lobbing against the window. He wasn't sure if was simply resting his eyes or knocked out completely but either way it didn't matter. The only thing that did was the fact that he was safe now.
He started the engine, glancing over occasionally to make sure he was still breathing. It felt as if he gained ten years from being friends with Eli, living with the stress and worry but Adam knew had the roles been reversed, Eli would be there for him.
Eli stirred in his sleep a few times, softly snoring. His body was exhausted and burned out from working hard on his next novel. So many hours were spent slaving away in front his laptop but he didn't quite feel satisfied. There was a disconnect from his writing and he wasn't sure why. He wanted to spend as much time as he could to get it just right but in the eyes of Imogen, that meant he was neglecting her.
He didn't understand why she was getting so clingy these days, always stuck on his side. While normally he didn't mind getting lost in the sheets with her, he found himself growing sick of it all. Her constant moodiness coupled with his was a recipe for disaster, the storm finally hitting tonight. He couldn't take her yelling, her whining and grumbling any longer, deciding to put as much space between the two of them as he possibly could.
It wasn't the best excuse as to why he drank but it took the edge off and made him forget why he was even running in the first place. But now that it was all said and done, he felt the regret heavier than anything else he was experiencing. He had broken yet another promise to himself and to Adam, caving so easily to alcohol. He was embarrassed but as per usual, Adam was far more forgiving than he ought to be. He cut him slack at times Eli didn't feel deserving of it but as always, it meant the world to him to be given another chance.
In true fashion he found a way to screw that up but he knew he had it within himself to stay on the right path. He lacked the motivation but not the will. All he needed was true incentive, or so he told himself to feel better. It might have been false hope he was clinging to but it was surely better than nothing.
The ride back to his apartment complex passed without Eli's knowledge, his eyes only opening as Adam shook his arm to wake him up.
"We're here," he said simply before getting out, Eli then fumbling with his seatbelt and following suit.
Normally it was a relief to come home, to shut his door and block out the outside world but he knew that Imogen would stay the night in order to pick things back up whenever he got home. He couldn't avoid this forever, try as he might have.
"Do you want me to go with you?" Adam asked as they approached the doors.
"Nah, I think I can take it from here but thanks…you know, for everything."
His voice sounded so devoid of emotions, the end result of being dead tired and in serious need of getting decent sleep. He'd been running on empty for so long that he was crashing and burning so quickly, it was startling.
"No worries. What are friends for, right?"
Eli shook his head, unable to truly fathom how someone as good as Adam could subject himself to being friends with a perpetual screw up like himself. He supposed the answer could be found within the question. He had a heart of gold and always managed to find some good in him, even when Eli would bet his whole life savings that there wasn't anything redeemable to be seen. Nonetheless, Adam was absolute in his conclusion and Eli knew better than to try and dissuade him.
He offered up a smile though it was weak and didn't touch his eyes. It was the best he could give now, words failing him and his energy depleting the longer he had to stand.
"I'll check on you tomorrow. Just get some sleep and some aspirin in the morning and we'll talk. 'Night, Eli."
Eli waved to him, watching as Adam climbed back into his car and honked once before taking off. He stood in place and watched long enough to see his taillights disappear down the dark street. It wasn't until then that Eli realized just how alone he was, a heavy sigh emitting from his lips before he turned his attention back to his complex.
Pulling open the door, Eli was immediately assaulted with the bright lights in the lobby. His eyes squinted against the vibrant glow, his headache made all the worse now. He moved quickly across the room, pushing the elevator panel to summon the lift.
Once it arrived, Eli stepped inside, punching the button to the eleventh floor and resting his back against the wall. Given the late hour, he was glad for the fact it didn't make any stops along the way. He missed his bed, being able to lie down and relax. Now that he was so close to, Eli was practically chomping at the bit to get inside.
As the elevator came to a stop and the doors opened, he staggered down the hall. As expected it was silent, everyone else knowing what it meant to be in bed at a normal hour. But Eli was always disregarding normalcy, now coming home drunk at three in the morning.
The hall seemed longer than usual, yet another product of his inebriated state. He made his way past the other apartments, including the vacant one that had been empty for about a month or so three doors down from him. He reached into his pocket for his keys, coming up short when he only ran into his cell phone.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" he asked to no one under his breath, tossing back his head and looking up towards the ceiling as he reached his door.
He pressed his ear against it, hearing the low sound of the television inside. Either Imogen was up and watching TV or had fallen asleep with it on but one thing he was at least sure of was the fact that she was still home. In his haste to get away, he had neglected to bring his keys, storming off into the night. It was a dumb mistake he only realized now in hindsight, his jaw clenching in frustration before knocking on the door.
"Open the door, Imogen," he called, leaning his forehead against the door.
All was silent inside the apartment as far as he could tell but he knocked loudly enough for her to hear a second time around.
"Imo, let me in. I forgot my keys."
Once more he was met with silence, each passing second making his headache even worse. His temples were throbbing as he pounded his fist against the door once again. This time he could hear shuffling from inside which made him feel relieved until a minute passed and nothing happened.
"It's my fucking apartment. Open the door now."
"You should have thought about that before you left, Elijah," she hissed.
"Oh, come on. Can you blame me for wanting to get away from you?"
The door swung open to reveal a very pissed off Imogen, her sharp features made all the more severe at her expression. Her hair was in cinched in a messy bun atop her head, chopsticks poking out on the left and right. Her hands were covered in paint, most likely taking to her craft as a way of getting out her anger and frustration over their fight.
At least someone managed to benefit from it.
"Excuse me?" she said acidly.
"It's three in the morning."
"I'm well aware. You were out drinking again, weren't you?"
"I know that I shouldn't have, okay? Just move so I can get inside. It's been a long day. I'm sick of fighting with you tonight."
"Fine. We can pick this up in the morning," she replied quickly, slamming the door in his face.
His fists pounded relentlessly as he shouted her name, no care of regard for the neighbors he was sure he was disturbing. But all his efforts were in vain it seemed. If there was one thing that could be said about Imogen Moreno, it was that she was perhaps the most stubborn person alive, second only to Eli himself.
He cursed under his breath, rubbing at his tired eyes. He was worn out, mentally, physically and emotionally. He backed away from the door, giving it a swift kick before moving back down the hall. He reached for his phone, stopping as he remembered it was of no use to him. It would be his luck that he sent Adam away, now unable to get in touch with him to crash at his place. It seemed the universe was against him now, one irony crashing down atop another.
Fresh out of options, Eli lowered himself down against the door of the empty apartment, closing his eyes as his arms crossed over his chest. He paid attention to each intake of breath, doing his best to steady himself. His anger was already reaching new heights tonight, making him want so desperately to drink again but he knew that he couldn't rely on it. One relapse was bad enough. Two in one night would be grounds to never be forgiven again.
He needed a new lifestyle, one that didn't leave him to be kicked out of his own home for the night. That hole he landed himself in was getting deeper and swallowing him up completely.
It was too much to think about just now, fatigue setting in faster than he had anticipated for it to. With luck Imogen would actually have calmed down by morning to come and get him. There wasn't any way possible she could miss him sleeping out in the hall. He had hit rock bottom, crashing and burning on the way down without a single hope of being saved. It would have taken a miracle now to get him to a place where he needed to be but Eli was a realist. He knew the chances of that happening were slim to none, if even possible at all.
He got himself into this mess and it would be up to him to clean it. Attempts by good people like Adam amounted to nothing in the end. No one would be able to reach in and help him and as far as Eli could tell, that was probably for the best.
The pain in his neck was all he could feel now, the shooting pain running down to his lower back from an awkward sleeping position undoubtedly. Eli's eyes flickered open as he tried to regain his bearings. Upon first sight he could see a thick blue carpet that was familiar to him but surprising. He jerked up quickly, instantly regretting his decision to do so.
"Goddamn," he mumbled, leaning back against the wall.
He licked his lips, his eyes closing once more as he tried to piece together the events of the night before. He recalled the screaming match with Imogen that resulted in him leaving their apartment. He remembered going into a local dive, getting treated to drinks. Things after that were truly anyone's guess. His eyes opened once more as he looked to his left realizing he was a few paces away from his apartment.
He rolled his eyes at the realization, the very last details of the night coming back to mind. He could feel his blood boiling just below the surface as he stared down at the door, ready to get up and have yet another go with Imogen-
"Um, excuse me," a soft voice called.
Eli turned at the sound, a pair of wide blue eyes staring back at him. They belonged to the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen, her porcelain skin so translucent she looked fragile in his eyes, so pure and unlike himself.
She carried a large box in her hands labeled Living Room, the handwriting extremely clear.
"What?" he asked gruffly, quickly regretting his tone as her expression crumpled.
"I need to get inside. You're sort of blocking my door."
Eli pushed himself off from leaning, looking up at the door in question before glancing to the box in her hand. Of course. She had to be moving in.
"I…I'm sorry. It's been a rough night."
"I could imagine. Do you always sleep out in the hall or…?" she trailed off, a soft giggle leaving her.
It had to have been the most infectious sound he'd ever heard, Eli finding a half smile working its way to his lips.
"Consider this your official greeting to the building. I'm the president of the welcoming committee," he said as he stood up, feeling all the cricks in his body as she set her box down.
"It's nice to meet you. I'm Mr. President. I'm Clare," she replied, extended a hand to him.
It felt so foreign how comfortable she seemed around him. He would imagine this strange introduction of sorts would have her running for the hills, eager to get inside and close the door on him but she was friendly. Anytime girls were that way with him, they only wanted one thing. But from the purity ring he saw on her finger and the cross she wore around her neck, Eli knew this Clare girl was different.
"I'm Eli. It's nice to meet you too," he said, shaking her hand and lowering it after a moment.
Just then a door opened, Eli turning at the sound of it. Imogen stood in the doorway, her face dropping instantly at the sight of Eli standing with this unknown girl.
"I have to go but welcome to the building. I guess I'll see you around some time."
"Okay, great. Bye, Eli," she waved, extracting a key from the pocket of her jeans and letting herself into the apartment.
Eli glanced back over his shoulder at her, taking a final look before the door closed.
"Who was that?" Imogen asked impatiently, still staring in the direction of Clare's apartment though she'd already faded from view.
"Just some girl," he replied, not convincing anyone.