AN: So just a little idea I had... we all know Rosalie would do anything to have children of her own, but I wondered what Alice's feelings would be. Of course, all noticeable Twilight characters belong to the wonderful Stephenie Meyer.
Enjoy, and let me know what you think!
~Kat-Leo
There has never been a moment of my existence where I have wished to be elsewhere, or to be something else—certainly not the last sixty-five at least. Even after waking up and not knowing anything but my name, I have always felt grateful at having a second chance at this life. I am part of a family; I have brothers and sisters, a mother and father; a niece, and a husband. He was my first thought when I woke, and, should the time come, he will be my last too. Ours is not a conventional love—if there even is such a thing—but I know that I would not want it any other way. His presence makes the monotony of repeating high school and college and the mundane day-to-day life worth it somehow.
But there were times, when I saw Edward and Bella and Renesmee—their own little family—or when Esme would smile fondly at us, her 'adopted' children, that I would wish for the same thing. Most of my family—save for Edward and his 'gift'—wouldn't suspect this from me. Rosalie, we all know, craves for a family with Emmett. It's easier if my family doesn't know about my wishes; my friendship with Bella would be strained if she knew my desire to be a mother, since she would misconstrue my feelings as jealous or think that I resented her, which I would never do. For some of us, it just isn't mean to be.
And it could be worse. I woke up not knowing who I was or where I was from. What I did know was that I belonged with an ex-Confederate soldier called Jasper, and that we would find our family eventually.
I think Jasper suspects my wishes…damn emotion-sensing husband! His gift works wonders for other…areas of our relationship, and it definitely helps when I don't feel like verbally communicating if I'm upset. But sometimes I wish he couldn't tell what I was feeling or wishing or wanting what I can never have. It hurts for both of us.
So no, I don't regret what I am, or how I came to be but sometimes I sit and think and wonder how different it would be had my husband and I been born in the same decade (or even century) and found each other anyway. My beautiful, vibrant and 'miracle' niece is what led me to my musings today.
Despite being incredibly intuitive and advanced for her 'human' age, Renesmee is still very young, and at times reminds us of her innocence. I had been sitting in the living room with her parents and 'grandparents', listening to how her day had been. She was showing her grandparents what we'd bought for her at the mall, and I had been recalling what an awful racket a human little boy had been making, when suddenly I saw what she was about to say.
"Momma, why don't Aunt Rosalie or Auntie Alice have a little girl or a little boy too?"
Before she could say anything, Edward had moved across the room and bundled up his squealing daughter, and suggested they go back home and finish talking there. Esme was mystified, but Edward said he would explain later, as he and Bella gathered up their things and made their way out the front door. I didn't quite know what to do or where to look, all I could think was how thankful I was that Nessie's other aunt and uncles hadn't been here. Eventually, Esme's confused gaze prompted me to explain.
"She was about to ask why her aunts don't have children of their own." I said in what I hoped to be a neutral tone. I was still processing her innocent, curious words myself. Esme looked stricken, but nodded, and Carlisle pulled her to his side. My enhanced sight didn't miss the way he slightly squeezed her hand in comfort.
"Oh, Alice." Esme whispered.
"Hmm?" I mumbled, suddenly more interested in the arrangement of lilies in the window than answering. "These need more water." I said, as I hopped up off the couch and snatched them up, hurrying to the kitchen.
I'm not an idiot. I know that denying and evading dealing with an issue basically confirms you're bothered by it. I just didn't want to have to talk about it. It was bad enough living and experiencing the reality of not being able to conceive a child of my own let alone discuss it over and over.
The water in the vase replenished, I rearranged the flowers and took them back through to the living room. Carlisle wasn't there but Esme was studying an interior design magazine.
"I'm going to go for a hunt I think." I said quietly. The sharp slap of a magazine dropping to the table and the feel of a cold arm around my shoulders was Esme's response. She didn't have to verbally say it, I just knew.
"I'm here if you need me."
I hugged her back and tried to take some small comfort in her arms, and the unconditional love she radiated. It was some minutes before we pulled away and I hadn't realized I had started shaking with the early tremors of rapidly building sobs.
"Alice, are you sure you want to go alone, sweetheart?" She asked, her voice concerned.
"I'll be fine. I just need some time to think." While it would have been nice to have company, I really did just want to think by myself.
Esme gave my hand one final squeeze before disappearing up the stairs to no doubt find her husband.
So while I sit and wait and think about what 'could have been' and all those thoughts that lead to nothing, I wonder how long it will be until Jasper gets here. By my watch I know it has been close to three hours since I left for my 'hunt'—I was fully sated after half an hour. Which is what led me to sitting here, on this cliff overlooking the ocean somewhere in Oregon. It was a typically overcast day and very few humans about but they wouldn't be able to see me from my perch anyway.
I knew Jasper would be here soon. Esme or Edward would have told him and I know that he would arrive when a Labrador bounded down the quiet beach. There would be no use in even trying to avoid telling him, since he would know something was wrong. Our relationship had been built on trust and truth, right from the moment he walked into that diner after I'd waited all that time.
After another half an hour of staring at the same spot on the beach and twirling my wedding band around my fingers, a black dog came into view, running back and forth along the shore.
"Allie, darlin'?" Asked a heavily accented voice. I turned my head to find my husband, a faint smile on his lips. I must have looked a mess because his grin faded to a frown and he approached me cautiously.
"Jazz." Without meaning to, his name came out as a whimper and suddenly his arms were around me, pulling me to sit on his lap, my head tucked under his chin.
We sat like that for a while, just enjoying each other's company and comfort, while we watched the waves crash onto the beach.
"Did Esme tell you?" I whispered.
"She did. Why didn't you ring me? Or come and find me?" he asked, his voice full of hurt.
It took me a while to form a reply. "I don't know. I guess it didn't bother me at first. I didn't want to be bothered by it. She's only little; it was a valid question."
"Oh, Allie." Jasper sighed. "I thought we talked about this. It's okay to be upset. It's okay to be angry."
"I know. I get that. I just don't want to lump it on anyone else when I know Esme gets upset about it sometimes, and Rosalie too. And then it affects you and I don't want to add to that!" I said, my voice rising the more I spoke so that I was left unnecessarily gasping.
Jasper sat back slightly and used his finger to raise my chin slightly so that he could look me in the eye.
"What did you tell me when we first came to the Cullens and I was having trouble adjustin'?" He asked quietly.
"That it was okay to be frustrated and to never feel like you had to keep what you were feeling bottled up. That you would always have me to talk to."
He smirked and quirked an eyebrow at me and I dropped my head and growled slightly. "Don't use my own advice against me."
Jasper chuckled and the sound caused me to smile against his chest.
"I just don't want to make you feel guilty. It is what it is. I can't do what normal, human girls do. I can't get periods or blame my moods on hormones or have babies. It's a fact and I need to just deal with it." I said matter-of-factly.
"No you don't." Jasper argued. "Sure, you can't do all those things, but you can still be upset by it and grieve about it. Humans who can't have children do the same and there's no reason why we can't too. You don't have to just deal with it." He reasoned.
"But humans can adopt! They can foster children or conceive in different ways! The closest we'll come to having a child is babysitting Nessie." I cried. And there it was, I was suddenly sobbing into Jasper's chest while he held me tightly and rubbed my back. I felt a flare of irritation and sent it his way and he chuckled softly.
"Don't be mad at me, sugar. I told you it's okay to cry. I didn't influence it."
Suddenly, a high-pitched squeal reached our ears, and a deep-belly laugh followed. A little girl, bundled up in a bright pink Parka toddled along the shore, trying to outrun a boy just a few years older than her. I felt Jasper tense up slightly, and I squeezed his hand. A couple, probably in their early thirties followed the children, keeping their distance to allow them their fun, but close enough so that they were nearby in case something happened. The husband looped his arm around his wife's waist and she grinned at him.
"Don't go too far guys!" He shouted, unable to hide the beaming smile off his face.
The little girl, who looked to be about six, continued to run and dodge her brother, giggling and shrieking as she did so. The hood of her coat flew back from the wind and blond corkscrew curls flailed about her red face.
"He's letting her win." Jasper murmured in my ear, a smile in his voice and as I watched closer I realised he was right. As soon as he got close enough to reach out and touch her, he'd pull back and veer to another side, always conscious to keep her away from the incoming waves.
"And looking out for her." I remarked, feeling an odd sense of pride for the little boy, who couldn't be older than ten years old. Jasper hummed in agreement.
"You'd be a good Mom." He said into my hair, and I clutched at his shirt a little more as another wave of loss crashed over me.
"You'd be a good Dad, Jazz." I sighed.
"I wish it were possible for us as well." He said thickly. "A little one of our own to dote on and to spoil; to teach them forgiveness and acceptance and the meaning of right and wrong. Show 'em there's still magic in the world and to believe. To teach them like you taught me."
Before I could answer him, a wail from below us caught my attention. The little girl had tripped and was furiously rubbing sand away from her face as little tears rolled down her cheeks. Her brother crouched over her, trying to comfort her as her parents ran to them.
"Daddy!" She hiccupped and her cries seemed to grow bigger as her father scooped her up into his arms.
"It's okay sweetie, you're okay. Come on, Katie, you'll get sick if you keep crying like this." He cooed to her, humming an unknown tune to her and pulling up the hood of her coat over her little head and rubbing away her tears. His wife stooped down to their son's eye-level and appeared to do something similar. Even from here, we could hear his breathing pick up and hitch as he tried to explain to his mother what happened.
"I- I didn't mean for her to fall, Mommy."
"We know you didn't, sweetie. You have to remember she's still little though." His mother reasoned.
"I know!" He groused slightly and his mother smiled at him, ruffling his hair.
"Why don't we see if we can't cheer ourselves up with ice cream, hmm?"
"But, Mom, it's cold." The little boy reasoned and Jasper and I chuckled at how grown-up he sounded. So did his mother.
"Oh, Jack." She snorted. "Just like your dad." She mumbled. "Ice cream, I'll have you know, makes everything better!" Her blue eyes sparkled back at his brown ones.
"If you say so, Mom." Jack acquiesced.
"What makes everything better?" His father asked.
"Mom says ice cream does."
"Ice cream?" Katie asked sleepily, momentarily distracted from her crying jag.
"Yeah, baby. How about we go get some before we go home?" Their mother asked, a hand on her son's shoulder and the other clutching her daughter's hand.
"Okay." She nodded.
"Jack you wanna race me back to the car?" Their dad asked, while passing Katie over to her mom.
"I dunno." Jack shrugged and scuffed at the sand.
"Well, it'll warm us up and I'll even give you a head-start!" His dad frowned at his disinterest. "It's okay, son. We aren't angry with you. Accidents happen and your mom and I are very proud of how you looked after your sister."
"Oh I know." Said Jasper, and projected the parents' combined emotions to me. Unconditional love, pride and concern all simultaneously hit me and I felt the strongest urge to make sure the little boy and girl were happy.
"Wow." I whispered, as we watched Jack perk up and suddenly grinned mischievously at his dad.
"I'm gonna beat you!" He yelled as he took off back the way they came. His mom and sister laughed at the bewildered look on his dad's face, as he shook his head and started off down the beach. Katie and her mother giggled too, and they followed, Katie babbling happily at the prospect of the sweet treat
"You're happier." Jasper noted, as the family faded from view.
I nodded and smiled contentedly at the family and what we had just 'accidentally' seen. It was humbling to have been witness such a typical, mundane family experience.
"I know it doesn't solve anything, or help. But that was nice. Even if I might be a little jealous." I admitted. Jasper was quiet for a moment.
"We could always foster." He suggested. "When we move from Forks. Or we could move away somewhere by ourselves for a few years? I could have Jenks make us new papers." Jasper mused and, though I was tempted, I didn't want to get my hopes up.
"Maybe one day." I thought for a moment. "I don't know if I could get used to it being temporary though. And what if we were bad parents? Or if I broke one of them?" I agonised. Jasper laughed. I turned to look at him.
"Don't laugh at me! I'm serious!"
"Oh, I know. But that right there tells me you'd be a good mom. And we don't have to decide right now. We do have forever." He winked at me, and I rolled my eyes at how cheesy he could be sometimes.
"You're right. You seem to be full of advice at the moment." I said sarcastically, but I knew he could tell how appreciative I was.
"I'm glad it was you I was meant to find. When I was scared and lost, I always knew I had a place to get to and that that place would be home. Maybe it would be nice to give that to a little girl or boy someday." I whispered and Jasper ducked his head, capturing my lips in a sweet kiss that reminded me of a diner in Philadelphia, and sixty years of trust and love and never-ending hope.
"Someday, sweetheart; we'll find a way." He said against my lips. "Now, what do you say about finding somewhere warmer and ditching these wet clothes?" My husband smirked suggestively at me and I giggled.
"Sure, but first, can we go back and see our family? I want to make sure Renesmee is okay too."
Jasper pouted and then chuckled, nodding as he stood. He reached a hand down to me, helping me up.
"Of course, darlin'. Let's go home."