Secret Solace
Yuki was not a blind man. He knew that look. He just never thought he would see it on his Shuichi's face. The' look' was that of a lover remembering an old flame. Yuki was familiar with that gaze because he had given it to so many lovers in the past, not now that he would ever do more than think about how much his life had changed. How he went to countless lovers to one. And how strange it was he didn't have any desire to go back to that numbing life.
Feeling…yes, he could really feel again, and he felt a pang in his heart as he watched Shuichi looking at Suguru who was now taking his sister's hand. Now he remembered why he had wanted to be numb in the first place: so he couldn't feel this pain. As the realization dawned on him, he had not been the only lover in the brat's life. He supposed he should not be mad or upset in any form, but the fact Shuichi was a lover with someone so close yet…pissed him off. He glared at Suguru and Maiko who were ignoring him as they kissed.
Yuki could have never predicted those two would have a past together. It seemed strange to him that this annoying brat would have any connection beyond the band with someone so like Tohma (who Shuichi did not like at all). The novelist was obviously mistaken. Now he felt anger boiling inside of him due to the fact the brat was supposed to be his and only his.
"Brat? What are you looking at?" Yuki caught the one quick glance at the green-haired man and he knew he had been right.
"Nothing, just look at how beautiful my sister is!" he beamed with pride. "Thanks for helping my parents buy the wedding dress!"
"It wasn't me, it was Mika."
"Of course it was," he frowned a bit as he went into deep thought for a moment. "Hey Yuki?"
"What brat?"
"Why couldn't we have a wedding like that?" Yuki scoffed and pushed his doubts away.
"Why would I waste that much money on you?"
"Ah, Yuki you're so mean to me!" Shuichi whined. There was another quick gaze given as Suguru said I do. Yuki was without doubt not mistaken…Suguru and Shuichi had been lovers.
Shuichi's point of view:
There were days, days I should regret but didn't because I am human…Days when I had been someone else's lover for a night. There were nights when I couldn't take the loneliness or when I couldn't handle the endless women that came through my lover's door. They were the early days in our relationship, the days before our relationship was public. Yes, Yuki thought he was the only one, and I will never let him think otherwise. Why should I? It's not like I'm lying to him and I don't think he has any right to be angry since he had a trail of lovers, but he is a jealous type, so I'd rather not go down that road. Especially since now we are happily married, in our own way of course, since it isn't legal in Japan. The truth was there had been another I had found complete solace in. I think about him now because I'm at his wedding today as one of the bridegroom's with Yuki by my side and Hiro is the best man. What would my best friend and husband say if they knew?
It had been on a night so cliché that Yuki would scoff at me for saying such a thing, but yes it had been raining that night. I came home wanting to cuddle next to my blonde lover, knowing that he would push me aside, but I was willing to try. I was so upbeat, I always tried to look at the up side of things, but Yuki can even bring darkness into my heart.
I heard a loud scream of pleasure, "Oh Yuki! Harder!" It was a woman, no doubt a beautiful one. I've seen them plenty of times: gorgeous red, blonde, brown-haired, long legs, nice big breasts, all of them had pretty much the same main qualities in their body. They came in and left just as fast. I did not think about the upside of this.
Like how the same one never came back twice, where as Yuki let me back in so many times after kicking me out. I didn't think about the fact he never had to call the police on me which he had to do with a woman from time to time. It would always be quite a show, the press was always happy with such chaos.
No, it was times like this I was more than sure that Yuki didn't really want me and that was a fact. Yes, it had everything to do with me not being a woman. If it didn't, why did a trail of them follow out and in his bedroom? A place I was rarely allowed, we often had sex on the couch and it wasn't comfortable. I found out later that Yuki didn't like having sex with me where he had with those women because I meant something, he just hadn't known at that time.
My heart had sunk at that sound. It was that night I just couldn't take it anymore. The pinging of the rain at the window, the screams of pleasure, and the loneliness that ripped at my usually happy heart. I had to go, but where? I had no where to go. Hiro's…no, the guitarist would kick the novelist's ass for cheating on me, though the blonde would retort we never agreed to one lover in the first place. I could have sought Ryuichi out, but I wasn't sure where to look, the man just sort of popped in and out, so I decided to go to a bar instead.
A bar really wasn't my thing at all. I've never been much of a drinker, only drank once when we snuck into a club to perform for them. I was so drunk I was kissing every girl in the bar. It wasn't a surprise that it only took one or two drinks to make me slur and another to make me absolutely drunk.
I whined to the bartender that didn't give a damn: "He has like a hundred lovers," I slurred. I wish what I said was an exaggeration, but we are talking about a famous novelist here. The bartender kept cleaning his glasses, ignoring me. "Well, why are you with him?" he finally asked.
"'Cause I love him?" I supplied, but at the same time I was questioning the words myself.
"Then deal with it." He replied harshly, sending a drink to another person.
"That's a lousy…bad advice."
"Nobody said I was going give good advice, now shut up!" the bartender yelled, grabbing another glass.
"You sound like him," I grabbed his hand and for a moment I didn't feel so sad because somebody sounded so much like my cold lover. Telling me to shut up and all... "Can I hold your hand?" Clearly I wasn't in my right mind asking the ugly buff bartender to let me hold his hand, but he sounded like Yuki. At that moment all I wanted was the blonde novelist.
"No! George," he called over his shoulder.
"Boss?" A man about three times my size asked, coming up behind me. If I wasn't drunk I might have ran away, but I was still holding onto to the man.
"Get this brat off of me," he yelled.
"Yes sir." The man grabbed me by the collar and pants, and threw me out.
"Don't you know I'm Shuichi Shindo of Bad Luck!" I cried from out in the alleyway. I was in the trash, how ironic that is exactly how I felt.
"And I'm Eiri Yuki." This made me burst into tears. The guy just went back inside, I just stayed outside in the alley, didn't make an attempt to move or anything. I was drunk, depressed and lonely. I simply didn't care about anything. I was not happy self at all.
Suguru would never have guessed his life would end this way. He wrapped an arm around Maiko Fujisaki, his wife and guided her onto the dance floor. All eyes seemed to be on the happy couple for most of the night. It was such an odd thing that he was married to Maiko, not that he was not happy she was his everything. It was just hard to believe when you think about who was his former lover. It was even odder that he had not known Maiko was related to Shuichi when they first met and he asked her out. It was months since Shuichi had left him when he found her coming from a book store with the lastest Yuki Eiri novel. They immediately argued. Suguru never understood what was so great about the novelist's stories, they all sounded alike. However, he found he liked how she was able to intelligently defend him. And perhaps it was also the similar cheerful demeanor Shuichi held that had made him want her. It was her passion for the arts that had won him over, and it did not hurt that she was learning to play the violin. From the corner of his eyes he noted the attention was on the new couple was turning to an old favorite couple: Yuki and Shuichi.
As he watched his former lover dance with the beautiful blonde and golden-eyed man. There was a glow on Shuichi that Suguru knew he could never have brought out of him. Only Yuki Eiri could do that. And these days Shuichi was like a candle to all the darkness, for he was truly happy. It was hard to be, there was a time when that glow was barely existent, almost gone, and Suguru had done his best to bring it out.
Suguru's Point of View:
I practiced intensely that night in my house. It was quite lonely, I never really gave much thought, but it would be pretty empty without the music. Music, that was my life, it gave me meaning and so much more. I could never pay back for the wonders it had done for my life. All I could do was devote myself to it. So I spent hours at the studio and just as much time at my house. I rarely took breaks from my piano. Becoming better than Tohma was only part of the reasons as why I was so devoted. I thought beating my cousin would surly show how much music meant, so I would do anything to achieve this goal.
However, that night I was having trouble with a few chords, something just didn't sound right. Sure, to most it would have been just as lovely, but I was trying to achieve perfection. I was also trying to show the world how amazing music was, and if I couldn't get the music in my head into reality, I was surly doing my precious music injustice. Much to my dismay it seemed I would be doing just that. I wasn't getting anywhere, no matter how many different combinations of notes I tried. So I decided to take a walk to clear my head.
I had gone past the park and straight into the city. I could get inspiration from the city. It was full of music, horrible and amazing. From the car horns to the girl screaming, I could hear the notes in anything. It was my strange view of the world, I purely saw music.
I had been walking down the street when I saw a bar. I decided to go in. Not to drink, of course, I was underage and I definitely wasn't one to break the rules. However the bars seem to be full of music, sad and angry. The piece I was working on was a depressing piece of a deep loneliness, so I was sure if anywhere I would find the sounds here.
I walked in and heard a familiar set of notes: Shuichi Shindo. That night I heard music alright, I can hear the painful melody playing in my head. I could almost see the notes as I watched a desperate, depressive Shuichi be thrown out of the bar.
I followed the man outside to find Shuichi in what I was sure the worse state of his life. I didn't quite understand why I had followed him. I guess it had to do with the music I could hear in my head. And I heard a screeching note as a seen that Shuichi had fallen asleep amongst the trash. Part of me wanted to leave him. It really wasn't my business, but as I thought about it, it really wasn't a wise business move to leave your lead singer out amongst the trash were he could be raped. At that thought, I felt a little angry; the idiot was being more careless than usual.
However, I didn't voice my angry for it would be pointless at this time, so I leaned down and picked him up. I knew if I was going to show my love for music I needed Shuichi for his voice was one of the most beautiful instruments of music I've ever heard. I was quite surprised at how light he was, but then again Shuichi was rather small for his age. I took him back to my house, where I would lay him in one of the guestroom beds. A melody seemed to be playing in my head the whole time.
Hiro grabbed a glass of wine and smiled as he looked at all the happy couples. He then brought his glass into the air, staring straight at Suguru and Maiko. "May you two have a life full of joy and blessings!" It was all he wanted for them. It was all he wanted for ALL his friends, happiness.
He looked over to see Shuichi pouting at Yuki; the golden-eyed man must have called him a dumb brat or something again. This thought made Hiro smile. Truly Shuichi was really happy as to be where he was, so was Suguru. His two best friends finally were happy.
Putting the two in the same sentence, he could not help but think of the days when the two were lovers. Yes, he found out, Shuichi did not know he knew. At first it almost went unnoticed, but as the days Shuichi retreated to Hiro's became fewer, the guitarist began to wonder what was going on. He found out because one day he wanted to make sure Shuichi got home safely, but found out that the vocalist did not go home, but to Suguru's house. He had not thought much of it until he saw Shuichi greet the keyboardist with a kiss. It was such a shock, because there were no hints of flirting at work, nor did there seem to be any sexual tension between the two. However, there it was.
The next day, Hiro had been dead set on making the two spilt up. After the shock had worn off, Hiro had immediately wanted the two to break off. However a story in the paper stopped him. The headline was: Yuki Eiri Attacked by Lover. The picture was of a woman, not Shuichi, meaning that Yuki was cheating on his best friend. And Hiro thought logically perhaps that was why Shuichi felt he needed the relationship with Suguru. And decided to leave things alone as it was, though there were times he wanted to say something, he did not. He always convinced himself that it would be better to let things be.
And he was right. Yuki never found out about the two lovers. In time, on his own terms, Shuichi must have broken off the relationship. Hiro was not sure when or how, but the pink-haired man came to his apartment again, though not as much as when he had first gotten together with Yuki, but often enough to tell he was not retreating to Suguru.
"Hiro," Ayaka tapped him on the shoulder.
"Huh?" he looked over to his wife. "Guess I lost my train of thought," he concluded his speech with a, "Congratulations to you two! Now both my best friends are happy. Thanks to you, Maiko." With that he sat down with a smile.
Shuichi's Point of View:
When I woke up I was in expensive white silk, I could feel it against my skin. It felt nice, and I was warm. I also heard an alluring sound, a piano with a gentle voice not as good as mine, but not bad at all. Stumbling out of the bed to find out where I was, I followed the sound to the living room to find a green-haired boy playing at the keyboard, softly singing, "Love's a fool's game, but I'll play."
"Suguru?" I couldn't believe it was him. He sounded so gentle, not serious at all, but when he turned around not only did it look like him, the expression told me it was without doubt him. He was not happy with me, what a surprise.
"Why I am here?"
"Shindo-san," he growled, "you should take better care of yourself, it is important for our careers, and your health."
"My health? Do you really care about my health or just Bad Luck," I snapped, I knew he just cared about our careers. He was a work-alcoholic. I had long ago accepted that fact, so I had thought. That morning it just really bugged me, must have been the headache. It was making me really irritable.
"Eh?" Suguru questioned.
"Well?" I don't know why I kept prying, I knew the answer already.
"What's the matter? We have work in an hour! I suggest you go take a shower, you smell awful, I found you in trash. How could you be so stupid? You could have gotten raped." I was surprised, he did seem worried about work, but I think he was sincerely concerned about me as well. It made me think if Suguru could care about just a little bit, why couldn't Yuki.
I was sure Suguru never heard such a sound as the one I made at that moment. He heard many of me dramatics, but these were heartbroken tears. "Shuichi, I…" He was not a comforter, especially since he was a Seguchi by nature.
"Why can't I be enough Suguru? Why am I never enough?" I questioned, with my violet eyes gazing into the green-haired man's one. "Why does Yuki need female lovers?"
So that's why he was out last night, Suguru wondered if Shuichi did it often. "I thought I could handle it. All I need is Yuki, right?" giving the man a half-hearted smile I continued. "But I can't do it, I can't handle not being his only, I don't know what to do."
"Then don't," Suguru interjected. I was shocked. What could he mean?
"Don't what?" He stood up from the piano and then approached me.
Shuichi stood up. "Sorry Yuki," he said with a smile, "I'm going to sing a new song."
Yuki just sighed. "Your lyrics are always crappy, do you really think it is in your sister's best interest for a perfect wedding day?"
"Oh, I want to hear them, big brother!" Maiko exclaimed. "I'm sure they are wonderful, of course I wish you would have gotten your husband to write them."
"Maiko!" the vocalist whined.
"I mean how great would it be to say that the famous Eiri Yuki wrote the lyrics for my wedding!" she gushed.
"Once a fangirl, always a fangirl," Shuichi murmured to himself.
"What was that!" his sister glared at him, it made him shudder.
"Uh, I said the title of the song is: The Once and Always Beautiful Sister."
"Oh!" she clapped her hands."Sing it, please." Yuki rolled his eyes.
Suguru's Point of View:
That sound was the most awful sound I've ever heard. It was not like the beautiful soothing music I was used to; in my head I heard unbearable screeching. I had to make that sound stop. I just had to. I told myself I was just doing this to make him happy, so he would be able to focus on work instead of being lost in a depressive state that would keep us from working. Yes, I made myself believe this was just for work and my music. I didn't want to acknowledge that it could have been anything more than that. That there was a connection, a feeling that made me long to take away his pain. It was just work.
"Don't let him be your only lover," my lips caressed his and I knew I couldn't go back. "I'll be your only one for now, Shuichi," I whispered in his ear. "I won't be with anyone else."
"Why?" he asked.
"I don't know, I think it will improve our work." I could see that Shuichi thought that was funny, because his eyes had that certain gleam whenever he wanted to laugh. That morning we went to work, he arrived late so not to raise suspicion about anything. It wasn't that night, but another night, when Shuichi was extremely lonely because Yuki was on a book tour that he and I actually became lovers.
Yuki wanted to get the hell out of there. He promised the brat one dance and that was it. All he wanted to do was go home and take off those clothes that were blocking him from his goal: Shuichi's naked body. However the brat had to fucking talk to everyone. That was not the thing that pissed him off though. Shuichi was making Suguru dance with him. And it was that moment that Yuki had lost it.
Shuichi's Point of View:
I went to his house, because the loneliness was driving me insane. Yuki was gone on a book tour and he refused to answer his phone. All I needed was to hear his voice, but I couldn't even get that; the man had an automatic voice messaging, so it wasn't his voice.
I knocked on the door. It opened up to reveal Suguru and some company. It was strange to see guests, the keyboardists didn't seem like the type to have guest. But when I saw the various instrument cases, it didn't seem so strange.
"Hey Suguru!" I had a bright grin, which I was totally faking, on. "I just wanted to know what you were up to."
"We both know why you are here, so why don't we get straight to it." He opened the door so I could walk through and I did. He then looked over to his guests.
"I think we are done for the evening," he told them. A beautiful woman with blue hair stood up and smiled. She clenched onto her violin.
"It was a pleasure," the words fell off her lips as gracefully as she looked.
"I'm grateful for your help as always Aina," he replied with a bow, "your skills always greatly compliment mine." For a moment, I felt like maybe I shouldn't be there. It seemed that Suguru would be much happier with such a beautiful woman there. Yuki would have enjoyed her, I was sure of that. Her beauty was rare and exotic.
"Yes, well I'm always glad to help, good night Suguru." She curtsied and then made her way out of the apartment. The other two had been men and they simply bowed before stepping out.
Then there was a silence. I wasn't sure what to say to him or what I wanted to say. I had come over for a reason, that was a fact. But now I doubted I wanted to fulfill that reason.
Suguru had taken Shuichi's hand and it was like a flashback into time. There the two former lovers could see in each other's eyes the familiar memories of once was lingering in the back of their minds.
Suguru's point of View:
He stood there, hesitating. He was having second thoughts, not that I was surprised. I was a bit surprised at the way he had looked at Aina, perhaps he had it in his head that I liked her. I really didn't, not that way anyhow. She was great to play music with, but other than that, she was quite a snob.
"You always have something to say, so why are you quiet now? It is kind of scaring me." I said honestly.
"I…I…" the words still didn't seem to find there place on his lips. Why can't he be this quiet during press conferences, people would think he was intelligent, for once. Though, I really didn't think he was stupid, idiotic yes, but I think he was just a man who lived life on emotions. It really wasn't my style, but it sure made Shuichi interesting. Perhaps, that is where this attraction came from. Yes, I finally admit this was more than about work, I was attracted to this pink-haired moron. Not waiting for him to complete his sentence I put my lips on his.
Yuki at the moment had made his way over to the two former lovers. He pulled Shuichi away from Suguru, not bothering to do it nicely. His cold glare told the newlywed that he knew their little secret.
Shuichi's Point of View:
He wasn't a bad kisser. Of course I already knew that; though I hadn't really got to enjoy it before. I think that something I really love about Yuki was his kisses. Even if Suguru was an okay kisser, his kisses were nothing compared to Yuki's, but yet I didn't mind. It was a nice kiss, and it didn't feel like it was out of lust but caring. That was something I couldn't get from my Yuki, he didn't care about me at all.
He took my hand, guiding me to his bedroom. The room had a dresser that had nothing but sheet music covering it. The walls were not all decorated with Nitter Grasper, but there were also posters of classic musicians. It seemed Suguru's life really was music, not just about beating Nitte Grasper. That was something we had in common, I loved singing; it wasn't just about me coming out on top above Ryuichi, it was mainly just the music.
Suguru started to remove my shirt, leaving gentle kisses down my chest. I moaned a little bit, enjoying the warmth of his lips caressing my skin. I stopped him for a moment, so I could do the same to him. He seemed confused for a moment, until he noticed I was unbuttoning his shirt. It fell off him and onto the floor. I leaned in and his skin tasted nothing like Yuki, but I couldn't help but want more of him. I gazed upward and kissed him on the lips.
Then he bent down to unbutton my pants. And for a moment, he actually blushed. I was a bit surprised.
"What's wrong?" I asked huskily.
"Um…I don't know how to say this, but... I have no idea how to have sex with a man."
"Oh?" I found myself blushing. "Well…um, I guess I'll just show you." I pushed him onto his back. I unbuttoned his pants. That night I topped Suguru, and I found I kind of enjoyed it, but I missed being the bottom having your lover look into your face with…wait I never had that, but now I could so...
I continued to see him, several times. On another occasion Suguru learned to be on top. And he would look lovingly into my violet eyes and I would feel loved and wanted. I felt a little guilty, yet I couldn't stop being with Suguru. Neither of us understood it, but we both thought we needed it. So whenever Yuki had a woman over or I was lonely, I left, he assumed I went Hiro's. Hiro assumed I was at Yuki's, but I was at Suguru's.
I found temporary solace in the arms of a young man. We both kept it secret, not only was Suguru underage but we really didn't want to deal with whatever consequences might arrive. Though, Suguru told me he didn't believe we were doing anything wrong, he just didn't want to have to deal with the press. I, however, felt like I was cheating on Yuki, though I couldn't see why when the novelist had several women. I guess it was because no matter what, I would always love Yuki and that was that.
One night I came home to my precious Yuki and he was glaring at me. I couldn't understand why. I tried to think over what I had done. I couldn't remember anything I had done, though I shouldn't have been surprised because Yuki got mad at me for no reason at all a lot. Okay, so that time I almost blew up the kitchen was kind understandable, but I was trying to make dinner for him.
"Yuki?" I questioned.
"You know what you've done to me, brat?" he stood up and walk over to me. I didn't know if I should run or not, but I didn't.
"I don't know, I'm sorry."
"You should be," he growled. "You ruined me." He leaned in close to me and places his lips on mine.
I was a bit dazed, "What did I do?"
"I can't get you out of my head, no matter who she is, she doesn't satisfy me. All I want is you and you're not even that good."
I was completely confused as what to say, so I didn't say anything.
"For once you're speechless, I can't believe it. Well, I better take advantage of it." He kissed me again, more passionately than before. We made love that night and I knew that I had to end it with Suguru.
Shuichi looked up to see golden eyes glaring at Suguru. "Yuki?"
"He's mine!" the novelist growled. The vocalist was in shock, what was his husband talking about?
"I know," Suguru replied simply, knowing exactly what Yuki was talking about. "And Maiko is my wife."
"Then we understand each other." The blonde-haired man began to drag Shuichi away from Suguru.
"Yuuuki, I wanted to dance with the groom and I still got to dance with my sister."
"Fine," Yuki let go, "but now," he leaned in to whisper, "you are mine only, my glory hole, my husband, my lover."
Suguru's Point of View:
I was working late at the studio, again, when Shuichi came in. I wasn't surprised; he did this from time to time.
"I'll be done with this in a minute, and then we can…,"
"No, we can't." I heard him cry. I was shocked, what could he mean? "I'm sorry, Suguru, but it's over." His violet eyes glistened with tears, as he waited for my answer.
"Well, we both knew it couldn't last. As long as you do your work, then I'm happy for you."
"Really?" he smiled wide. At that time, for some reason it hurt, but I knew that the ending of this relationship had been inevitable so I said:
"Yes, I just wanted you to work more efficiently."
"We still can be friends?" he wrapped an arm around my neck, "right?"
"Yes, of course." It was killing me, but what else was I supposed to say?
It took me a month to realize that Shuichi had been my first love. It took a few more to get over my first heartbreak; as well as a beautiful woman named Maiko Shindo.
Suguru finished his dance with Shuichi and then went over to dance with his mother, while Maiko danced with her brother. After the two finished their dance, Yuki once again grabbed Shuichi this time dragging him out of the door. Suguru danced with his wife.
Shuichi's Point of View:
After my break up with Suguru, things began to really turn around with me and Yuki. Not that I ever would blame the younger man. The only reason why I broke up with him was because I didn't need him anymore. I felt guilty that I had used him. I often wondered how Yuki did it: using women looked so easy and I felt horrible over one man. Over time I got over my guilt, just like over time Suguru found a new love. And over time I got over the fact that it had been my little sister.
Of course as a big brother I had been totally against her dating anyone, but especially Suguru. Though, when we argued over it, I couldn't give her a reasonable excuse. The only reason I had was that it was weird because we had been lovers but I couldn't tell her. Other than that, the man was a good catch for her. He was smart, determined, and hardworking. There were also qualities that Maiko would name off. She thought he was the most passionate man she had ever met because of his love for music. I told her he was just obsessed, of course, I was talking to a fangirl. There was no such thing as being obsessed in her vocabulary, just very, very, passionate. Anyhow, the two dated and fell in love, and today they were wedded.
So there would never be a need for a Secret Solace from the other, ever again. We had our true love's love and that was all we needed.
Yuki kissed his lover and took dominance with his tongue. Shuichi fumbled with the buttons on the blonde's shirt. Breaking the kiss he moaned, "Yuuki!" Hands then stripped the pink-haired man of his shirt. "I love you."
"Me, only me?" the novelist questioned.
"I love only you." Violet eyes looked into golden ones, and he knew Yuki knew he was not lying because that was the same look he gave Shuichi, when the brat was not looking.
Author's Note: Well, this is probably the most…I don't know what to say…oddest work I done. It has a very unlikely couple in it, but it does end with Yuki and Shuichi. I just thought about how we all knew that Yuki had to have more than one lover, but what about Shuichi. Hmm…what if he got really lonely and I had odd need to write a Shuichi and Suguru piece. I read about two pieces with that couple. I love Shuichi and Yuki the most of course, but I like that couple too.