All characters belong to original owners. I do not own them. (Unfortunately)
Charaters may be a little OOC.
_
I walk into the bar after shift. I had to ask Stella for permission to leave because Mac disappeared somewhere earlier and no-one knew where he went. I suddenly see him at the bar. Ordering my own drink, I move towards him before sitting down in the seat next to his. He looks up. When he sees me, his eyes widen and he looks down, suddenly seeming to think that his drink is the most interesting thing in the room. It may be the lighting, but I can swear that his cheeks are red. Is he ... blushing? No. There is no way that he could ever feel the same way. Finally he looks up, disrupting my chain of thoughts.
"Danny, what are you doin' here?"
"Just come for a drink. Where'd you go earlier?"
"I ... needed to think. Clear my thoughts."
"Uh ... okay. Do you want to come over to mine? We can get a few beers, watch telly ...?"
"Yeah, sure, but ... I walked here, so can I grab a lift?"
My heart is beating real fast. He accepted my invitation. What does that mean? Oh, well, I might as well spend as much time with him as possible with him before he realises that I'm not worth his time. I don't realise that I said that last sentence out loud until his gentle hands were on my face, turning me to look at him.
"Danny ... Danny, listen. Why on earth would you think that? I consider you to be one of my best friends, not to mention the fact that you are one of my best CSI's. Do you not feel the same?"
No, I don't Mac. I want to be more than your friend. Obviously you don't feel the same way, so I'm just going to pretend that I don't want to hold you whenever I look at you, that I don't want to kiss your beautiful, soft lips. That I don't want to love you. You're not going to tell him this though, are you? Because you're a coward.
"Yeah, of course I do. So, you comin', then?"
"You bet I am."
We get into my car and drive in silence to my house. He is unusually quiet. Normally, he is happy to just sit and chat.
"Mac, we're here." I snap him out of his daze. We get out of the car and walk into my apartment.
"D'you want a beer?"
"Er ... yeah, go on then."
I grab two beers from the fridge and sit down next as far away from him as I can on the couch before giving him a can.
An hour later, we're watching the telly when I feel a weight against my shoulder. I turn my head to see that Mac's head has fallen against me. He's fallen asleep, and I smile softly at him before trying, slowly, to move. In his sleep he frowns and grabs onto my shirt, clinging on tightly. He starts to talk in his slumber.
"Danny ... no ... don't leave me."
I curl him up against me and kiss his soft, silky hair. Then I turn the telly off and fall asleep, too.
I wake up earlier than Mac in the morning so I lie there for a while and watch him sleep. He looks so adorable like this, curled up. In the night, he obviously moved as he is now lying with his head rested on my chest. His chocolate brown eyes slowly flicker open. As soon as he realises where he is, he sits up and stares at me.
"Oh, God, Danny. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to fall asleep, and certainly not on you ..." As he says the words, I feel my heart breaking. He doesn't want to be near me. He suddenly stops talking and stares at me with his head tilted on one side looking confused, and ... hopeful? No, he couldn't be. " You stayed."
"What?" I ask him, bewildered.
He smiles. "You stayed, Danny. When I ... fell asleep on you, you could have woken me up, or just moved me out of your way and gone to your bedroom, but you didn't. Instead, you stayed on your couch with me all night. Why, Danny?"
Ok, now I'm blushing. What the hell am I supposed to say to that? I knew there was a reason that I shouldn't have stayed on the couch with him last night! I should have known that he was going to figure it out, he is the best detective in New York, for fuck's sake. "Uh ... I ... I don't know. I tried to move, but ... you wouldn't let me."
He looks down, and sometimes I get frustrated when he does this. It means that I can't see his expression, can't see if he's angry with me or not. After about 2 minutes, he looks back up at me again and his emotions are right there as clear as day for me to see. He seems ... like he's afraid of rejection.
"Danny ... I can't."
"Can't what, Mac?" I know that I have to be patient with him, otherwise he will just close up and I will never know how he feels. But I also know that if I can't find out how he feels, it will destroy our friendship as well as any relationship we might be able to have.
"I can't do this again. I just can't. I'm not sure I'll be able to survive if I get my heart broken again."
"Mac ... why do you think that I would break your heart? I could never hurt you. Tell me what's wrong, Mac. I promise that I won't hurt you." I'm trying desperately to keep us both calm even though the tension is nearly enough to overwhelm us both. I don't succeed, though, instead he suddenly explodes, standing up angrily.
"Messer, can't you see that I'm in love with you! As soon as I saw you, the walls I have tried so hard to build came crashing down. Only with you. That hasn't happened since Claire died. I know that you can never feel the same way. That's why I was at that bar yesterday. I was trying to forget. Forget how the one person I have loved since 911 is completely straight, a total ladies' man. You're unattainable, Messer, I know that. So just leave me the fuck alone, will you, and let me get my heart back from you."
Oh my god. Has he really just said that? I thought he was straight, and all this time he's been thinking the same thing? We've been going through the same pain ... but he doesn't know that I feel the same way as he does. To be honest, the state he's in now, I don't think he'd believe me. "Mac, I ..."
"Don't even try, Messer." He walks out of the flat. Fuck, what have I done? Instead of encouraging him to open up, I've made him drift away from me even more. There is nothing I can do now anyway, he's too angry. So all I can do is sit here and watch the man I'm in love with walk away from me. The only problem is ... I don't know if I will ever be able to get him back.
xxx
I'm not sure if I should continue with this, so let me know what you think. Please? :-)