Good grief. How did I get into this mess?

…Wait. I feel like I've asked that tired question more times within the past year than I can possibly count in a lifetime– and it's always got the same obvious answer. One that starts with a Ha and that routinely utters that very syllable in giddy response to all of my pain.

I extend to the reader my humble apologies for lapsing into such predictable narration. Here's a more original and pressing question.

Oi, Haruhi. How'd you snag the role of Hera in this story instead of Eris, goddess of chaos?

Seriously, what a ridiculous recreation. All of it.

Okay, not all of it. I could certainly appreciate the truly divine stature of my upperclasswoman as she stood fidgeting nervously in line with the other two female SOS Brigade members. To set the ancient Greek scene, she had been appropriately adorned in a pure-white, tight-fitting toga worthy of…well, a goddess. What a sight. As always, Miss Asahina was the silver lining of the situation.

And I was Paris. I was the foolish mortal upon whom the fate of a world hinged. Naturally.

I glanced down at the gold-painted plastic apple that rested heavily in my hands: To the fairest. It was such a vague inscription. Definitely a turn of phrase guaranteed to spark controversy. Definitely the sort of trick befitting any chaotic deity.

Come to think of it, since this little performance was Haruhi's idea, that technically did make her Eris after all. That girl just takes on whichever and however many roles she wants. She'd make it a one-woman show if she could.

"This isn't a show," she announced. "This is an exercise in persuasion and decision-making."

Let me guess. So we can learn how to effectively persuade aliens and sliders to join our brigade once we find them?

Admit it. This isn't any exercise. It's a dumb punishment-game for an offense that was never committed, that you thought of on a whim after hardly listening to a random mythology lecture in class the other day.

If she'd listened better, maybe she would've cast herself as the one who wins the contest, so I wouldn't have to screw up the real story to inevitably please her in the end.

I don't even get it. It's not like she actually values any decisions I make. It's not like anyone here cares which girl I think is the fairest. Right?

"So, Kyon," Haruhi said plainly, "pick me."

"Pick you. …Or what?" I would've resigned to fate and ended this charade as efficiently as possible, but I guess I was just in one of those obstinate moods.

She smiled as she casually added the kind of thing that should never be casually added with a smile. "…Or heads will roll."

I sighed. That was her idea of persuasion? How unfair. And she expects to be judged the fairest. "Can't you at least come up with some positive incentive, O Great Goddess?"

Come on. Athena-Nagato over there can quite literally give me wisdom and skill in battle, which is considerably more appealing than headaches and death threats.

"…"

I turned to observe her. I could swear that the inanimate object perched precariously above her made more noise and movement than she did. Though Nagato donned no elaborate costume like Asahina's,someone had placed a plush owl atop her head in a futile effort to get her into character.

…Yeah, I don't know either why I bothered to say someone.

"Positive incentive, hm?"

As the gears started turning in someone's head, I immediately regretted my decision to drag this out. What passed as positive to Haruhi would probably be a nightmare for everyone else. Especially me.

"Something only I could…" She was quietly pacing back and forth as she pondered, but an instant later there was an eager finger pointing in my face and a raised voice ringing in my ear. "A-ha! As you can see, Itsuki is absent! So what if–"

What if you take a few steps back and turn the volume down?

"What if I temporarily promote you to Deputy Brigade Chief?"

"…"

"…"

Haruhi was gazing at me through sparkling eyes as though she'd just made the most noble and generous offer on earth. And so I almost felt guilty for ultimately replying, "Yeah… I'll pass."

"…Hmph!" Haruhi crossed her arms and made that duck-bill face she makes whenever she's annoyed. "What, then? What was the winning bid in the legend?"

"Ah…" Asahina shyly spoke up in that adorable voice of hers. "If I remember correctly, Mr. Paris's prize was…the love of the most beautiful woman in the world."

"Tch!" Clearly, the stuff of classic oral tradition was not interesting enough for Haruhi. "How ordinary. A wishy-washy guy getting taken in by the promise of a cute girl."

"Of course, I'm not actually a love goddess, so I can't offer anything like that." Miss Asahina's lovely amber locks swayed as she shook her head and giggled.

"Yeah, that won't work," Haruhi agreed with a sly grin. "You're cute enough, Mikuru, but it's not like you can offer yourself."

Oh, but how I wished she could.

"Huh… I, uh…" To my bewilderment, a wave of deep red washed over Miss Asahina's face before she timidly raised her head toward me. Our eyes locked.

Hold it. Hold everything. Miss Asahina. Is that an offer?

"Eh… W-wait, I…"

It didn't make perfect sense, casting-wise– but if anyone deserved the simultaneous titles of Aphrodite (Goddess of Love) and Helen of Troy (legendary beauty), it was Miss Asahina.

She was so cute. I noted with admiration how her asymmetrical toga left one pale shoulder bare. When she with a perfect cherry blush began to flail her arms upward in protest, one underarm was left bare too. I've heard that's a turn-on for people in some circles, and at the moment I couldn't blame them–

"DEAL." The word escaped my lips before my brain had fully processed the consequences.

Hmm. Once Haruhi had spoken the words pick me, wouldn't it be a problem if she wasn't picked?

"What!?" With a violent snap of her head in my direction she made it clear that, yeah, it was a problem. What exactly does that vicious glare mean, Haruhi? Please tell me you're only acting the part of Hera, the goddess who's known to get dangerous when she's jealous. And please tell me it's in Athena's script to protect me.

Still, she had to understand that this was an offer no straight and sane adolescent boy could possibly refuse. Miss Asahina was the kind of girl that North High's entire male student body would fight to the death for!

…

…Oh. Crap.

This was just an exercise, I wanted to assure myself. But who was I kidding? Nothing's ever just a practice run with Haruhi.

If these schoolgrounds turn into a Trojan battlefield, and they find me dead among the ruins with an arrow in my heel, I guess I have no one else to blame.

I shot myself in the foot.