The World is Ugly
I can't move. I stare solemnly and shocked down at a familiar face. Shrouded in a darkness I can't get out of. I feel my heart sink and my stomach drop. It can't be. The more I stare the more I can see my best friend. Decapitated and laying among the rubble of the terrors that just occurred.
"M-Marco... What happened?" I whispered. My eyes grow wide with shock and terror. My breathing stops and everything freezes. His perfectly healthy body is destroyed. He looks so pale and deathly. I stand there for what feels like an eternity. The darkness grows stronger and my body begins to shake. I'm so cold.
"Do you know his name?" A voice suddenly speaking to me. I jump and the darkness recedes. I manage to catch some breath. Just enough to still feel somewhat alive. My eyes are still wide as I stare into hers. Just as wide as mine. Wait. What did she ask me?
"I don't..." I look away from her trying to avoid answering the question I've never wanted to answer. "Does anyone know what happened?" I can't build up enough strength to speak loud enough for anyone to hear. No one is here.
"Trainee." Her words are harsh and strong. I feel myself panic. She's going to ask me again. I can't answer. I can't. I look back down at Marco. My eyes begin to water. "We Don't have time to mourn your comrades. We need to clean up before disease spreads." I stare at her. How can I ignore my best friends dead body laying there on the ground. I try to breath. This girl has lost too many to say harsh things so easily. She must be immune to the pain.
I stare back at her. His name... I swallow and glance back at Marco. I can barely get the words out. "Marco Bodt... 104th trainee squad." I said it. Marco... He's actually gone. "Thank you." She writes down his name on a list of so many others that had died. "Let's get back to work" She looks at me one last time. Eyes still as wide as mine. She walks away heading towards all the other dead bodies. I still can't move. I'm stuck in the same place staring down at Marco. I want to make sure... maybe he's not really gone... I kneel down and reach out my hand. His eyes are black. His arm is cold and lifeless.
This is life. This is reality. I Blink. It really hits me. My best friend is dead. I fall back pushing myself away from the horror. I fall on the cracked and bloody ground. My shaking elbows are barely holding me up as I stare at Marco. I can't breath. I need air. I can't look away from him. I need to close my eyes. Look away! I'm about to scream. I can feel something inside me ripping, tearing, screaming, crying, dying... I feel something grab my shoulder. It's soft and gentle. A familiar and sweet voice calls out to me.
"Jean..." Mikasa kneels down next to me. I look at her. I manage to finally breath. She's so calm and reassuring. She stares into my eyes. She looks so worried. "What-" She looks around and sees Marco. She clenches her fists and looks down with her eyes closed. She doesn't say anything but just her being with me calms me down. We both sit there. I can tell she's just as broken. Eventually the military police comes by and picks up Marco's body. It's the last time I see him.
"Jean." Mikasa says quietly. "We have to go now." She stands up and reaches out her hand for me to grab. I reach out and grab it allowing her to help me up. She's strong. Much stronger than me. My legs are weak but I need to walk by myself. Mikasa walks with me back to the headquarters. I stare at the ground the whole time. Unable to lift my head up. Holding back tears. Before we head to our separate rooms Mikasa stops me.
"I'm sorry. Jean." She couldn't look me in the eyes. She wraps her arms around me and pulls close. I let her. She needs an embrace just as bad as I do. I gently put my arms around her. I closed my swollen eyes and rested my head on hers. I can't cry. Not in front of her. I know she's only hugging me because she needs comfort. Nothing more. I know this doesn't mean anything.
"This world is ugly." She whispered.
I nod. I look down at her. The world is ugly but she has no idea how beautiful she is. Maybe I should tell her. No, not now.
She pulls away and walks to her room without saying anything. I remember Marco and I quickly walk to my room. I open the door and immediately look at Marco's bed. He was here... just this morning. Now he's gone. I'm so mad. I pick up the closest thing to me and throw it. I want to pull my stupid hair out. I couldn't protect him. I should have been able to save him! I'm so useless! I sit down on my bed after I finally calm down. I bend over and put my hands on my face. Tears begin to fall. "Marco. You died too soon." I whisper so quiet I can barely hear myself. I lay down. I can't sleep. I can't stop shaking. I curl my legs into my chest and cry. I can't stop crying. I'm alone.
Red Sparks flicker into the black night sky. I can feel the heat on my face from the burning fire. Marco is in there. He's burning. My legs are shaking violently so I kneel down. I look down and see broken bones scattered on the ground. I reach out and take one. "I don't even know if these are Marco's bones." I can see his smiling face. "I grew up with him. He was always there for me and now..." I breath in and bite my lip. I grip the bone in my hand so tight and hold back. I'm going to break down. I can't live this life. I continue to sit in front of the flames until they are almost dead. I watch Marco's ashes be carried away. Who do I have now? Marco was the only person who could stand being with me.
I look behind me and notice that everyone has left. Everyone except Mikasa. What is she still doing here? She stands there looking like her normal calm self. Like nothing no matter how tragic can phase her. I stared at her and she stared back. She's walking towards me. Slowly and gracefully. I notice the tears on my face. I quickly try to wipe them away. I don't want to cry in front of her. She kneels down in front of me and stares into my eyes. Her grey eyes aren't calm and cool. They are hot and red. She's crying... Mikasa has this much empathy for me? No. She has her own reasons to be emotional. She would never cry for me.
"Jean." She grabs my hand and opens it, staring at the bone I believe is Marco's. She looks back up at me and scoots closer. Her soft hands move and rest on both sides of my head. I jump from the shock. She's really touching me. She stares at me intently. "Marco didn't deserve to die." She begins. I slightly gasp at her kind words. I try to pull myself together to respond. "I-I kn-" She quickly cut me off. She tightens her grip on my head and moves closer. She's so close to me I can feel her breathing. I feel my eyes grow wide. "He's at peace. He doesn't have to live in this ugly world anymore." I bite my lip. "Jean. Be happy for Marco. He's finally free." I'm crying. I never wanted to cry in front her. I just can't help it anymore. Mikasa nods and stands back up. No. She can't leave. I put the bone in my jacket pocket. Just before she turns to leave I grab her hand. I gently hold it. "Mikasa..." I look up at her. "Thank you." She nods her head and attempts to walk away again but my hand won't let go of hers.
"Jean-" I stand up. My hands holding hers. I face her but I can't look at her in the eyes. "I'm sorry." She tilts her head to the side. Confused at my apology. I look even farther away. "I'm sorry I'm so jealous of Eren..." I take a deep breath and build up enough courage to look at her. "You are the most beautiful girl... and I-I keep wanting to win in the battle for you. That's why I'm constantly fighting Eren... I want to look better than him." She tightens her grip on my hand. "I'm just so lonely. Ever since Marco... I need someone to be there for me." I can't believe I'm actually saying this. I'm so confident about it too. I see her smile. She's smiling? She must be laughing at me. I blush and look away again. "You're really the only person I care for and... You're right. The world is ugly but... You are so beautiful." I glance at her. She's still smiling but she's also crying. It's tears of pain and happiness. That's the only way I can describe it. I'm so embarrassed. I quickly begin to walk away. Mikasa hugs me. Tightly. She won't let me go. I don't know what to think. I eventually wrap my arms around her. "Those are the most beautiful words I've ever heard spoken." She looks up at me with tears in her eyes. I'm still crying. She reaches her arms up around my neck and starts to pull me down as I feel her lift up on her toes. Is this really happening? It can't be-
Her lips lock onto mine. I stand there in complete shock. My eyes are wide but hers are closed. My cheeks are heating up. I'm really kissing her. I feel her lips. They are so warm and soft. I close my eyes and gently kiss her back. I pull her closer to me resting my hands on her hips. Her hands are playing with my hair. Among all the pain. All the hurt. All the sorrow. All the fear. All the ugliness. I can still find light and beauty. With Mikasa. We pull away from each other giving us room to breath. My eyes are still closed and I push my forehead against hers. I'm still crying and I can hear her crying with me. I reach my hands up and touch her beautiful black hair. It's so soft. My fingers caress her smooth face. I open my eyes and find that hers are still closed. I stare for a second. Her eyes open and meet mine. The fire died and it felt as if all my fears died with it.
Mikasa insists that she sleeps with me tonight. I'm unsure but agree. We both crawl into my cold bed and she lays on top on me. Resting her head on my chest. "Jean." She whispers. I look at her. "You're not alone. I'm always here for you." I gasp from her overwhelming kindness. She's right. I'm not alone. "Mikasa..." before I can say anything she is asleep. She's asleep on me. I can feel her breathing lightly. One of her hands is laying on my chest and the other is wrapped around my torso. I can feel her heart beat. I'm strangely not freaked out. She's comforting. I put my arms around her torso and hold her like she's everything I need. She is everything I need. I stare at the ceiling for a while and I glance over at Marco's bed. I pull out the bone from my pocket and hold it up. Facing the ceiling. "Marco. I'll make you proud. I promise." I kiss my closed fist with the bone in it. I close my eyes and finally fall asleep. Finally.