I am the biggest asshole in the world, without a doubt. My friends and family certainly think so. Jasper doesn't say anything, he's never been one to meddle in my problems. He just sits back and waits for me to come to him and confess all. He's just as quiet as ever, but when he looks at me, I can see the disappointment in his eyes. My best friend has never looked at me that way before. Emmett looks like someone has kicked his puppy, and he's constantly pointing out how awkward things are when we hang out. Rosalie doesn't say much, just glares at me a lot. Not that this is out of the ordinary, she never really warms up to anyone except Emmett. But I know somewhere along the way she formed an attachment to Bella, because lately she's been giving me the bitch brow a lot more often and she mutters under her breath about how men are scum whenever I'm around.

Believe it or not, Emmett, Jazz, and Rosalie are the more subtle members of my group of friends. Alice, not so much. Alice has never been subtle about anything, but now she's going out of her way to make my life miserable. Not that I blame her. Bella is her best friend and roommate, and Alice has always been extremely protective of her. Alice goes for the fastest, most direct way of making me as uncomfortable as possible. Whenever she's around, she constantly finds ways to bring Bella's name up in conversation, dropping gems like, "We used to have a lot more fun when Bella hung out with us," or "I know you're supposed to be smart, but I don't know what Bella ever saw in you." I can't argue with her when she says things like that, because she's right. Bella was always too good for me. At least now she can move on with her life and find someone who deserves her. The thought of Bella moving on with some other guy just kills me, but I brought this on myself. I'm the one who ended it.

I hadn't ever planned to break up with Bella. But my mind had been in such a jumble for the past few months. She didn't share her thoughts on the future very often, but when she did, she spoke enthusiastically of our upcoming life together in Boston. Selfish idiot that I am, I could picture it clearly and it felt amazingly right when I thought of taking her with me. But her fellowship was always at the back of my mind. I was the only one who knew she really wasn't considering taking it. If Alice found out, she'd be all over Bella. And she would be right. This would be the opportunity of a lifetime for Bella. She literally lit up when she talked about her Shakespeare classes or anything connected to literature. She'd always dreamed of traveling. Now she was ready to put aside all her dreams so that I could follow mine. I wanted to follow my own dreams and I couldn't imagine being apart, but was I really willing to let her throw her own life away for me? She would without even hesitating. She's the kind of person who wants to see everyone around her happy even if it means she's miserable. She's been getting better about her self-sacrificing ways, but she still hasn't learned to put herself first. I thought of offering to defer medical school for a year, maybe go to England with her, take some time off of school to travel and just breathe. When I tried to bring up the idea, she immediately shut me down and wouldn't hear of me putting off medical school. So that left either her coming with me or us attempting a long-distance relationship. As the weeks went by, I was getting more and more tense. She hadn't turned down the fellowship yet solely due to the fact that I wouldn't let her. I couldn't get over the feeling that if she didn't take it, someday she would regret it. It made me ill to think of her missing out on amazing experiences. The more bothered I became, the more stubbornly she dug in her heels. In the end, I was left with no choice but to force her hand.

At first, I spend most of my time brooding about what an idiot I am. Having Alice around was actually a good thing, because she puts into words what I'm thinking. Maybe it's masochistic, but the only thing that got me out of bed is to punish myself for all of my mistakes, with Alice's help. I hadn't shared the truth of our break-up with our friends and I knew Bella hadn't either. I don't know her reasons, but I knew if they got a hint of the truth, they would all throw themselves in the middle of the situation, and it had almost killed me to end it. I couldn't handle rehashing that decision over and over. I guess I felt the need to punish myself and Alice was happy to help me out with that.

Eventually I couldn't take everyone's disappoint anymore and I started avoiding home like the plague. I've spent the past few months going out almost every evening, trying to put her out of my mind. I've tried to distract myself with other girls, but it's not working. I'm constantly comparing them to her, and next to her every other girl in the world comes up short. They wear too much make-up and care too much about the way their hair looks. She never wears make-up and usually just throws her hair up in a sloppy ponytail. She doesn't need fancy decorations. I love the way she looks naturally, especially when she first wakes up in the morning. She would argue and say she's nothing special, blushing and dropping her eyes when someone gives her a compliment. I loved to see her blush and would sometimes say things to embarrass her just so I could see her skin flush. She's quiet, but she has a wicked sense of humor once you get to know her. Other girls go on and on about the mall and some whacked-out singer who I'm not sure is a guy or a girl named Lady Gaga. Bella never wasted her time on that drivel. We could talk for hours about our shared tastes in music and movies, or just chill out together on the couch in complete silence. I can guess what you're thinking right now. You just described the perfect girl. Why the hell would you dump her, you ass? See, I'm an ass. We're all in agreement now.

I organized a party at Jasper's and my apartment tonight in an attempt to get my mind off constant reminders of Bella. She leaves for England in less than a week, so I only have to keep my mind busy for a few more days. I'm hoping that once she's gone, things will get easier. I have invited a few of the girls I've met lately in hopes they will provide a distraction. One of them, Lauren, has been hanging around me a lot lately, meeting me after classes and even showing up at the apartment to hang out twice now. She's completely not my type, but she's persistent and she gives me a diversion. My friends are completely disgusted by her, but they already think I'm the scum of the earth, so it's not like things can get worse. But as usual, I'm completely wrong.

I'm sitting on the couch, with Lauren attempting to drape herself all over me. I'm attempting not to shove her off of me or throw up on her shoes when Bella walks in. I'm completely shocked. From the bits and pieces I have collected from our friends, Bella had been barely functional lately, another thorn of guilt in my side. I never imagined she would show up at my house. I'm still frozen in shock and can't seem to force myself to move when our eyes lock. She also seems frozen for a few seconds, but then her eyes take in the entire picture of Lauren draped across me and the expression on her face goes from slightly vulnerable to completely hard and unreadable. I've never seen her like this. I remain fixed in her stare for an interminable amount of time, and I watch a wide array of emotions flit across her face, none that I can really identify. Then suddenly her spine stiffens, her shoulders snap back and she whirls around and marches out of the apartment. I almost jump out of my seat to go after her, but I stop myself, remembering that she deserves to be pissed at me and it's not my right to comfort her anymore. I look around for Alice, thinking that Bella will need the support, but I can't find her anywhere. And Jasper's door is closed. Not going there. I lean my head back against the couch and try to empty my mind of any thoughts.

Nearly an hour later, Alice and Jasper stumble out of his room looking disheveled. Gross. Her head immediately begins to swivel around, no doubt looking for Bella. She switches to Mama Bear mode and starts questioning everyone as to where she might be. Someone must have ratted me out, because soon her eyes fix on me and narrow menacingly. She whips out her phone and texts furiously, then stomps over to where I'm sitting and fixes me with a furious glare. Thankfully, the party has died down and the only people left in the room are Emmett and Rose. I'm incredibly relieved that a few minutes ago I convinced Lauren that nothing was going to happen between us, so she might as well stumble home with her roommate. Luckily they lived within walking distance. At least Lauren wasn't here to increase the wrath of Alice. "You're just loving this, aren't you, Edward? You get off on knowing that she's miserable, that she's still not over you!"

I've taken Jasper and Emmett's disappointment, Rosalie's ridicule and Alice's disdain for months now, even enjoyed in some weird, twisted way because I knew I deserved it, but today I reach my breaking point. "You caught me, Alice! I just love the fact that I ruined my life so Bella can follow her dream!"

Everyone's eyes snap to me. So far I've kept my mouth shut about what really happened, why I ended it. I felt bad enough already and it was easier for everyone to lay the blame at my feet. I deserved it. Alice's face tightens and her eyes narrow in anger. "You never wanted her to go to England! You're the one who made her give up her dream so you could do what you wanted! When she wasn't thrilled about throwing away her life just so she could follow you, you just left her!"

Apparently, Bella still hasn't shared the real story behind our breakup with her best friend. I'm shocked. I don't know how she's managed to keep it to herself with the incredibly persistent Alice as a roommate. I know I shouldn't argue. I should just agree with Alice and let her be angry with me. Life would be so much easier. But for some reason, I just can't seem to keep my mouth shut. "She wanted to come with me, Alice. She was going to turn down the fellowship, but I told her I didn't want her. How could I let her give up an opportunity like that to follow me to Boston? She would've ended up in some crap job and then she'll hate me for ruining her life!" I run out of steam and collapse against the couch.

My friends are speechless. Their mouths are hanging open and their eyes are wide with shock. Alice opens and closes her mouth a few times, but for the first time since I've known her, she doesn't seem to have a comeback. I bury my face in my hands. If only I could've kept quiet! Now I've made the whole fucked-up situation ten times worse. They're going to meddle, they're going to pick the whole thing apart and throw us right back into the middle of all of the pain that I was just starting to learn to live with.

Jasper is the first one to break the silence. "Shouldn't Bella be the one to make the decision about what she wants to do with her life?" He fixes me with a penetrating stare.

I've opened the door to this. I can't back down now. "You all know Bella just as well as I do. She'll sacrifice herself to make everyone else happy. Alice was right. She would never do something for herself when she thinks she's going to hurt someone else. I had to lie to her. It was the only way to get her to go."

Alice's voice is quieter than I've ever heard it. "I'm sorry, Edward. I didn't know."

"I didn't want you to know. I guess she didn't either."

Rosalie's loud laugh startles all of us. We jump and turn to stare at her. "You're all idiots. Both of you are making yourself miserable trying to make the other happy. You're both going to be just as miserable in Boston and England, moping around trying to convince yourselves you did the right thing. Martyrs never live happily ever after, Edward. You think Bella's going to be so much better off because you fed yourself to a lion?"

That was the most I'd ever heard Rose speak at once. It takes a few minutes for her words to really sink in, but once they do I jump to my feet. "Rose, you should speak up more often. You would save us a lot of work."

Rose grins. "Nah, wouldn't want to make things too easy for you. Now move your ass! You've got some groveling to do!"