-setting-

The story takes place three years into the future, Uchiha Obito is deceased, the Akatsuki are reborn, and peace has fallen to the world. The former Akatsuki have rejoined the ranks of the world as a new S-Ranked Criminal Organization, the Ultimate Akatsuki. These are their stories.

-Local Jail-

"Is it quite pathetic that we, the Akatsuki, the world's most amazing super fucking awesome organization ever, is stuck here, in jail"

"Hey! It's not OUR Fault we got marked as suspected Terrorists because Deidara blew up the Boston Marathon!"

"Poor Deidara, where is that man right now?"

-Inside a giant pirate ship 10 miles away-

"Hey Roy, you think he's in here?"

"Nah man, why would a wanted criminal hide in a giant pirate ship that is so fucking out-of-place?"

"Well you know look at it, it looks like the Forsaken Fortress from The Legend of Zelda"

"Yeah that certainly made sense, a giant pirate ship on top of a stone fortress with search lights and demons that turns dark the minute you set foot upon it" The sky around Deidara's hideout turns black with clouds as the great artist Deidara emerges from the wooden vessel riding his clay bird

"TOBI, HM!" The masked childish man jumps out of the boat and waves at the FBI agents

"HIII MR. FBI MAN SENPAI!" Deidara eyes Tobi with a look of disgust at his stupidity, meanwhile, Zetsu stares at the fight from down the road

"Why the fuck are we even watching this" "Because it's quite amusing" "What the bloody hell is THAT" Orochimaru appears from the shadows on his giant snake, Manda.

"Hello Akatsuki" Orochimaru pulls out a sword, of course, by throwing it up from his mouth

"Eughh why does this guy always have to spit things up out of his mouth it's unsanitary and completely disgusting" Zetsu disappears, as it's white counterpart finds itself disgusted with Orochimaru's disgusting habits.

"Enough, hm!" Deidara grabs Tobi and flies away, Orochimaru uses his snake to deflect the bullets from the police

"What the bloody hell, Orochimaru! DO I LOOK LIKE A SHIELD TO YOU!"

"Shutup Manda, you precious snake bastard you" Orochimaru licks his pet in a quite...disturbing manner...

-Local Jail-

"Akatsuki, Shield yourselves!" Deidara bombs out the side wall of the jail cell the Akatsuki team is hidden in, including the half of Zetsu that isn't materialized somewhere else. "You damn fools, un"

"Deidara we wouldn't be in here if they wouldn't have came looking for YOU, you damn terrorist!"

"Well Pein, you didn't have to CLAIM to be our leader now, it's your fault they think you're part of Al Queada now"

"Boys, boys, relax, just be happy we don't have to sit through another bloody Television session with those anime nerds in Cell Block D"

"Yes, Konan is right, I couldn't sit through another hour of Dragon Ball Z"

-Flash back-

"ON THIS EPISODE OF DRAGON! BALL! Z! GOKU CHARGES UP HIS ATTACK FOR THIRTY FUCKING MINUTES!" The anime nerds seem to stare intrigued by the character apparently charging up his attack, which is only perceived as a man screaming.

"Dear god what is the fucking point!"

"Hidan! Shutup!" Hidan's quiet offensive comment about the show seemed to attract attention from the anime nerds, which apparently sends them into a total rant about how good Dragon Ball Z is.

"Dragon Ball Z is like the best anime ever, just wait until Goku finishes that attack you'll be sorry for dissing DBZ after you see that!" The cartoon ends, then starts up again for a second episode

"THIS TIME ON DRAGON! BALL! Z! Goku finishes charging up his attack and then charges up his attack again while his opponent stands opposite him having a flash back about his miserable childhood!"

"Yep, I stand by what I said, fucking stupid ass show, I think even One Piece is better and One Piece made Pein's virginity come back!" The entire crowd seems to stare at Pein except for Konan who snickers at him

"Hey! It's not my fault I thought it would be cool! Plus it's not my fault that stupid show brings back your virginity!"

"Oh please everyone knows that, plus nobody will take somebody's re-gained One Piece virginity!"

"Konan would! She loves me!" Konan just stares at Pein with a blank stare

"Pein, although I do love you, if I banged you after you watched One Piece, that would be as shameful as WATCHING One Piece"

"She's just mad because Pein has a piercing in his dick"

"WHAT!?"

"Yeah he told me one time, long car ride home, Pein was drunk"

"Hidan" Pein stares angrily at Hidan "I thought I said what happens in Vegas STAYED in Vegas"

"Well obviously your dick piercing and your STD didn't

"Wait Pein has an STD Too?"

"It's called NyQuil Cold, Flu, and AIDS, comes in handy if you bang a slut in Vegas"

"Still disapprove of that piercing Pein"

"HEY! I TRIED to take it out but it doesn't come out"

"I am NOT having sex with you again unless you take that piercing out"

"I thought those things were supposed to make it better"

"No, it hurts like a mother fuck because it has a fucking sharp edge"

"They call him Pein for a reason I guess"

"Yeah, and they call him One Piece Virgin for the same reason"

"Oh come on Konan bang your boyfriend so he shuts up!"

"SHE is NOT my girlfriend!"

"Oh come on Pein, are you EVER going to make anything official with her, or do I have do make Jamal from Cell Block E make you drop the soap again?"

"Hidan, WHY must you bring these things up in front of everyone?"

"Will you ALL SHUT THE HELL UP, HM!" Deidara suddenly halts his clay bird in a corn field

"What the fuck Deidara!"

"Thanks to all you bitching I never realized it ran out of fuel, now it needs a sample of human blood!"

"...We'll be right back" Pein and Konan run off for a quick second, then return with a giant silo filled with blood marked "HIDAN"

"What the HELL is that?"

"That would be all of Hidan's blood Konan cleaned up out of the carpets of our hideout" Pein opens a valve on the silo and the blood flows into Deidara's bird, making it huge

"Pein...I think we just made Deidara's first Nuclear bird.."

"Dei, is it safe to even ride this thing, like what the fuck?"

"Quit your bitching, hm! Get on the damn bird, un!"

-After hours of bickering about Pein's piercing, at the Akatsuki hideout-

"So this is it, huh? Our old hideout, how I missed this place" Pein hugs the television set which was left untouched for three years

"What the...Oh god, you people are back" Itachi stands up from behind the corner of the door to his bedroom

"How the hell Itachi? Where have you been?"

"When I said I went to kill Sasuke I secretly waited for you all to leave, came back to raid Pein's room for food and money for Heroin, then you never came back so I just hid here"

"Wow...Itachi...Wow..."

"I also learned to speak Spanish! Holo mi Amago!"

"Itachi...I don't think you learned very well.."

"I learned from mentally challenged drug runners..."

"Who else but Itachi...wait, if you're here, where's Kisame?"

"Family Reunion"

"Is Kakuzu still where we left him?"

"Oh yeah I forgot about him" Itachi opens the tanning bed "Sorry Kakuzu but you REALLY needed a tan, I mean you wear those fucking cloaks and masks all the time you're pail white!" Kakuzu stumbles over on his severe third degree burns

"This doesn't hurt anymore, 90% of my skin fell off and regrew"

"That..sounds painful...well it's been a long day, we should probably get some sleep"