warning(s): description of anxiety attack, spoilers for episode 11 and 12
a/n1: there is actually a full day between men's SP and men's FS, but it seems like not everyone realises this. I'm pointing this out because this fanfic takes place in that time between SP and FS. also mentioned in episode 12 that Yuuri didn't show up publicly after his SP, but shows up the morning practice in the day of FS.
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When Yuuri wakes up the next day after their fight, the room is empty and still. The sound of the heater blowing softly and bed's creaking are the only audible sound. He tries to hear if there's any sound coming from the bathroom, but it doesn't seem like anyone's inside.
He appreciates Victor's effort in leaving before Yuuri wakes up. It's his way of preventing the situation of becoming more awkward. Yuuri is sure he won't be able to handle the situation better than last night.
The bed creaks again as he flops down on the bed, he exhales a heavy sigh he has been holding.
Nothing was settled last night. They decided to put their final decisions on hold until GPF is over.
Whether Yuuri will retire.
Whether Victor will stop coaching and return to the world of competitive figure skating.
Yuuri would have never thought announcing his retirement to Victor will bring out his kind of outcome. It was supposed to be the moment he thanked Victor for all the precious time they spent together. Practising on the ice. Relaxing in the onsen. Playing at the beach. Visiting the festivals.
Those are precious, precious memories. Ones he will hold dear forever.
He wants to lessen Victor's burden by announcing his retirement earlier, so that Victor can watch the competition tomorrow with the excitement that he will soon be there, too.
Because Yuuri doesn't want to see Victor looking envious at the competition, knowing he'll be stuck as Yuuri's coach for who-knows-how-long thanks to Yuuri's request.
But, Victor cried.
Tears he has never seen rolling down Victor's cheeks ever since his first gold medal in Junior Championships.
At first he thought those were happy tears; that Yuuri is finally letting him go back his world. Relieved tears of being able to compete again before his age really prevents him to.
But not until Victor said he's upset, that Yuuri realised he had been wrong.
Why did Victor cry?
Yuuri is a terrible student―ah, not a boyfriend or fiancé because he knows his place. He knows he is nothing and he won't take Victor's joke about being engaged seriously. But he admits he loves how the word rolls in his tongue.
Yuuri is a terrible student―he made Victor cry and doesn't even know the reason behind Victor's reaction.
He fiddles with the ring on his third finger with his thumb―brushing the inner part of the new and smooth surface. It feels like it doesn't belong there―like it's not supposed to be there. Maybe Victor has already removed his own, but Yuuri wishes he can keep the cold metal there for a while longer. He'll remove them if Victor asks him to, though.
Not good, Yuuri's chest heaves as he thinks more about this matter. He takes several deep breaths, holding it in before blowing it out.
It's not helping.
So he goes to the bathroom, brushes his teeth and washes his face. Changes into his training clothes and picks up his bag with his skates inside. He needs to skate away the thoughts in his head―not to mention the Free Program is just tomorrow, he needs practise. But not on the rink provided by the ISU.
He needs one farther and emptier where no one recognises him.
Anxiety and Comfort
Yuri! On Ice © Kubo Mitsurou
This is a work of fanfiction, simply written for the purpose of enjoyment and entertainment. I gain no financial profit from writing this.
How many times has he checked his phone today?
There are several new texts; most of them are from Phichit, the rest of them are from his sister Mari and Minako. All of them have similar content; asking his whereabouts and why isn't he practicing in the official rink. He replied none.
The one person's text he wants isn't there.
He scrolls his Instagram feed, checking if there is any post about Victor. But he finds none. He stuffs his phone back into his pocket.
Yuuri scans the street―eyes following the steps made by people walking down the shops and road he walked over with Victor two days ago. Taking pictures of landmarks, shopping and having fun.
That was one of the best days he ever had.
It's not like he never had experience sightseeing a city he never visited before. But he loves every moment by Victor's side. Even when the weight of Victor's shopping bags stung his hands, or when they were retracing their path for a bag of nuts.
It was all ... comforting.
With Victor, he doesn't feel his shoulder tensing like usual and giving him muscle pain after having to socialise the whole day. He doesn't find himself exhaling deep breaths after inadvertently holding his breaths because he has been taking shallow breaths.
As if the talking and spending his time with someone has never made him feel tired.
His shoulder bumps against someone, he quickly blurts out, "sumimasen―" before realising he's not using the right language. His mouth gapes open and close since his brain suddenly can't remember the word in English.
"Sorry―" he exclaims, but the person he bumps into has already walked away.
His heart beats harder.
Tightening the hold on the strap of his bag, he turns his back and continues walking again.
I'm in public. Not now, not now..., he whispers to himself.
The crowd makes him sick, everyone's looking at him. Everyone's going to realise he's weird. Yuuri wraps an arm around his body, burying his nails on the skin around his elbow. His back hunches and head focus down on the road.
Every time someone walks past him he ducks his head lower, trying to hide himself and make himself unnoticeable.
His steps faster, trying to get to somewhere quiet.
His destination turns out to be the restroom in a bustling convenience store. Since it's crowded in the store, no one will realise if he's taking his time in the restroom. Yet the restroom itself is empty in oppose to the store itself―which helps because then he no one will need to wait for his stall.
Right after he turns the lock, he pulls out his headset from his bag, plugging it in his phone. He quickly scrambles for his music playlists.
Nineties music, classical songs, top rated―no, no, not this―ah, this one.
He taps on the playlist titled "Happy song" and puts on the headset in his ears. He leans on the door.
Closing his eyes, he breathes in slowly, holding it in for a few seconds, then breathes out from his pursed lips. Repeat, and repeat. He notices his shoulders tensing again, so he relaxes them.
It is just a late apology to a stranger. That stranger probably doesn't even remember he bumps into Yuuri minutes ago.
It's okay it's okay it's okay it's okay...
But it's not okay.
He tries to fight back the urge to cry by chewing on his lips. But he fails. Both arms around his body and he squats down, hiding his face between his knees, glasses askew. Sound of choked sobs filling the room―he knows he's alone in here. But he hopes he hasn't missed the sound of someone entering because his headset is blocking his ears.
Oh God, Yuuri hates himself.
Why is it so hard for him to just be normal and ignore little things that happen every day?
He glances at his phone, and clicks the home button.
No new notifications.
He pulls up the text messaging app and taps on Victor's name.
victor help me
It's just another gentle touch to the "send" button. Yet his finger hovers over it while his lower lip caught between his teeth.
Victor will come, he's certain. Because he knows how Victor is.
But seeking help is not as easy as it seems. What should he say to Victor if he comes? That he is crying because he forgot the word sorry in English?
Will Victor understand? What if he thinks it's stupid? Yuuri can't just ask Victor to come here―leaving whatever he's doing―just for Yuuri, can he? Victor must be enjoying the day with his friends now, and Yuuri wouldn't want to ruin it with something so depressing.
Victor did mention he's not good with people crying in front of him. So Yuuri will not bother him and make it hard for him.
Yuuri deletes the text and locks his phone. He buries his face between his knees again, ignoring the gross feeling of wet cheeks.
Not to mention they still haven't resolved the tension from yesterday.
Yuuri wishes he hasn't said anythi―no. No, that's not it. Yuuri's not regretting his words to end it with Victor.
Victor is kind, too kind.
He never hears Victor raises his voice and gets mad over things. Even when he is mad, he puts up a smile so not to inconvenience anyone.
That's why Yuuri has to be the one who ends this.
Because he knows Victor will never say it.
Because Victor is too kind.
Even if Victor has grown tired of him from all this time; Victor wouldn't let it show, wouldn't tell.
Yuuri wishes he can stay forever with Victor. But he knows him staying will slowly kill Victor Nikiforov.
The paella he ate with Victor was delicious. Maybe Victor had researched around the area before picking the restaurant. Victor has always done everything. He's always amazing.
It's good that Yuuri insisted in paying the lunch. Then maybe Victor wouldn't feel as if he had wasted money on Yuuri.
But Victor still did buy Yuuri the new suit and tie. It was by no means cheap, Yuuri was tugging Victor's coat with wide eyes when he converted Euro to Yen in his head.
Maybe Victor is already regretting buying him that.
The money will be better spent on a new suit for Victor rather than Yuuri. It will look a lot better in him.
It was Yuuri who insisted on sightseeing. Maybe Victor's regretting coming along with him now. It is only a few days trip in Barcelona and maybe Victor prefers spending it with Chris since they're close and doesn't meet often.
Yuuri is always with Victor in Hasetsu, stealing him away from the world. He shouldn't have make Victor wasted his time with Yuuri even when it's the chance for Victor to spend it with other people.
He swallows a huge lump in his throat, his eyes burning.
Help me, Victor.
The song in his earphone suddenly goes off with a ding before resuming. He quickly checks his phone.
Please come back, Victor texts.
His phone shaking between his trembling hands.
Victor still wants me.
He quickly texts back, I'm on my way.
He pulls off the headset and stuffs it in his bag, phone in pocket. His wrists wipe off the tears from his face before he rushes back to the hotel.
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Yuuri takes a deep breath. He closes his eyes tight and knocks on the door. Only after the sound rings in the hallway he realises he should have just used his key. He scrambles his wallet for the key but then the door is suddenly opened from inside.
"Uhm," Yuuri exhales softly, "hi."
Victor smiles tight lipped, a pair of dull blue eyes looking at him, "hi, Yuuri."
He enters the room and drops his bag to the floor.
The tension hasn't lifted. Victor's back is facing him. It's hard to start a conversation.
Maybe Yuuri shouldn't have come back.
That way Victor at least will be able to relax in the room alon―
"Yuuri, is it okay for us to hug?"
Yuuri blinks for a few times. He nods, but realises Victor can't see him with his back turned on him. So, Yuuri takes a step forward, hugging Victor from behind.
Not even a moment passes before Victor turns around and hugs Yuuri tighter than he ever did.
"I'm sorry, Yuuri. For raising my voice."
"I'm sorry for deciding on my own, too, Victor."
The tips of Victor's fingers are cold around Yuuri's neck, sending static in every touch. How long has Victor been staying outside? And he notices Victor's gloves have been absent since he wears the ring―even when Victor is susceptible to cold.
Yuuri rubs circles on Victor's back, refilling the energy spent being away from Victor for more than half a day. Victor does the same thing and snuggles his face to Yuuri's hair. The action itself is soothing and eases the exhaustion from the day.
When Yuuri entered the room, he noticed Victor is still wearing his ring. He thought Victor would take them off after their fight last night. But apparently not.
Maybe Victor is too kind.
Maybe Victor also doesn't want to part with it like Yuuri.
Yuuri believes in the former.
But he secretly wishes it to be the latter.
He never believes whatever-his-relationship -with-Victor-is, will last. Not even once. Not when Victor appeared in his onsen. Not when Yuuri skates to prove Victor's love. Not when Victor said he wishes Yuuri never retires.
Not when he put the ring on Victor.
It's never meant as engagement rings.
It's really just lucky charms―in a form of promise rings, he knows.
There's nothing more fitting―because it represents Yuuri's wish under the gold. Yuuri wants to play pretend―pretend that they really are engagement rings. Pretend that they're both in love, aiming for the gold and marriage. Feel it in his finger. Whispers himself that it means a domestic future with Victor.
He'll never tell anyone, though.
Because they'll laugh.
Because it's a joke.
"Go take a shower, I know you practised today."
Yuuri nods and they parts.
He removes his coat and shoes, getting clothes from his suitcase and enters the bathroom. He makes it a quick shower because he can't help but get worried every time he hears footsteps. Thoughts like 'is Victor leaving the room?' haunts him every time.
Sigh of relief escapes when he sees Victor is still in the room―sitting with his back relaxes against the headboard.
Yuuri doesn't know if he should say something, but he settles with a hum before heading for his own bed.
He curls up, pulling the blanket up to his shoulders. Facing away from Victor is easier even though he really wishes he can look at the beautiful, beautiful Victor for this ephemeral moment. He won't get the chance to share a room with him again after they return.
The reflection on the window becomes his target, though it only reflects Victor's legs. A pair of strong legs that should have shown its brilliance on ice―competing.
Tomorrow may be the last day he can stay with Victor. He promises not to make up the decision and only do it after the Final, but he still can't help but feel like there is no other solution anymore. He doesn't want to be the reason Victor gives up his career.
"Yuuri, will you practise in the official rink tomorrow?" Victor asks slowly, "your fans are worried."
Yuuri snorts, "you know I don't really have fans. They're just here because I'm the only one representing Japan."
"You're the only one representing Japan because you're the only one worth it, Yuuri. You beat them. You qualified. They areyour fans, because you're talented."
Yuuri is not talented.
He's only here because of Victor's coaching. Because Victor is the talented one. Well, he may have qualified for GPF last year, too. But it was only because of luck that other competitors made some mistakes. If they landed all the jumps and gained more performance points on their step sequence and spins, then they would be the ones going to Sochi, not Yuuri.
"... I'll be practising in the official rink tomorrow." Because Victor needs to see how he's doing for one last time so Yuuri can properly show Victor's love for the ice through Yuuri's skating. So that people will see Victor's eight months in Hasetsu weren't wasted.
If he gets the gold medal, people will see that Victor is an amazing coach.
"If you get the gold medal, it will only prove that you're a remarkable skater, Yuuri," Victor stops Yuuri's course of thought.
Yuuri blinks a few times. Ah. Did he say that out loud?
"You should sleep earlier, Yuuri. We'll review everything again in the rink tomorrow."
Yuuri doesn't answer, he holds his breath and puffs it out in one long quiet exhale. He scratches his arm and shut his eyes tight. With chest almost touching his knees, he dozes off.
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"Jump higher, Yuuri!"
"Put more power in your hips!"
"Your free leg's sloppy."
The darkness comforts him, but the cheering crowd makes his heart beats faster. Yuuri opens his eyes.
"Don't worry. You can win gold, Yuuri. Believe in yourself."
Ah, again.
Victor has been trying to start more conversation with Yuuri since this morning. But every sentence that comes out from his mouth is about skating. Not to mention how formal every word sounds.
Yuuri hates this.
It's like he's talking to a stranger with the face and voice of Victor.
It's scary.
"Hey, Victor. I said before, didn't I? That I want Victor to stay as Victor. Don't suddenly start trying to sound like a coach now." Yuuri grips Victor's hand, "I want to smile for my last time on the ice."
It's true.
If this really is his last time, then Yuuri wants to be able to skate without a pressing feeling on his chest. He wants to skate with Victor standing on the sidelines watching him as Victor Nikiforov, not as his coach.
Uncomfortable, being by this Victor who is trying to be someone is.
"Yuuri, listen to me," Victor leans closer, "I debated whether I should tell you this now, but ... I took a break after becoming the five-time world champion to coach you, so how is it possible that you still haven't won a single gold medal?"
Yuuri lifts his head and stares wide eyed at Victor.
Yuuri's shoulder relaxes.
"How much longer are you going to stay in warm-up mode? I really want to kiss the gold medal."
It's still not registering in his head when Victor hugs him. Only when he looks in Victor's clear blue eyes that he realises how close and colourful they are. Yuuri chuckles and hugs Victor around his neck.
Tears rolls down his cheeks again, but this time it's not because he forgets the English word for "sorry". It's because he remembers the word "thank you" in English―and that's what he whispers Victor.
His name is Katsuki Yuuri. He's a dime-a-dozen Japanese figure skater. He's 24.
Victor stays on the sidelines, watching him as the same Victor he knows the past eight months.
This will be the final skate of his career.
He skates to the centre of the rink with relaxed shoulders and steady heartbeats. His breaths calm. A smile adorns his face.
End.
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a/n2: this is in Yuuri's POV and we know he's a bad narrator. (also he says it's his final skate because at this point in canon, when he's skating, he's still planning on retiring.)
a/n3: I DON'T KNOW HOW TO WRAP UP THE ENDING SORRY. I had written everything up until the night in the hotel (with a little change at the end) and was planning for it to be the ending. but then I realised something doesn't sit right with how the tension still exists even until right before Yuuri's FS. so I did a little changes and got stuck at how to end it lmao.
a/n4: I relate so much to Yuuri I hope I properly depict his anxiety here. I love the scene in ep10 where he's alone in the hotel room and said "help me, Victor" and that's what started me with this fanfic. I wanted to describe things here in Yuuri's thoughts and body language. I hope I didn't mess up too bad?
a/n5: BTW HE REALLY DOES HAVE "HAPPY SONG" (AND "HAPPY SONG 1") PLAYLIST IN CANON, WHEN I SAW IT I JUST ASSUME IT'S WHAT HE LISTENS TO WHEN HE'S ANXIOUS.
a/n6: special thanks to larasgee for helping me discuss a lot of stuff for this fanfic!
a/n7: thank you for reading!