The Crack Pairing of the Valar Made Canon
Summary: Of the many mysteries of the universe, there is one that presses on all of the Valar's minds: why in the name of Eru did Yavanna and Aulë get married? Crack. Pure and utter crack.
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Of the Valar, Manwë was the one who knew the most of Ilutavar's plans for Arda, but even he did not know all. Some mysteries he did not know the answers to. Why was evil allowed to exist? Why were the Two Trees allowed to be destroyed? What were those strange, furry-footed creatures running around Arda and why had no one claimed to have created them?
One mystery, however, weighed heavily on all of the Valar's minds.
"Aulë and Yavanna! Of all the matches, Aulë and Yavanna?" Varda said. She and Manwë had just regulated a dispute between the Smith and the Earth Mother involving the Ents, the Dwarves, and some rather vocal ravens.
"It is a strange match to be sure," Manwë said.
"His little… things…" Varda huffed. "Honestly, I don't know why Ilutavar allowed those Dwarves around. They just dig holes in the grounds. Elves do a much better job at that while they are sleeping."
"You're just saying that because the Elves gave you a nickname while the Dwarves did not," Manwë said.
Varda ignored her husband. "
Manwë attempted to sooth his wife. "When one is among only things created, one forgets what those things were based on. The heart becomes twisted and the eyes blind. One must continue to be with living things. Perhaps that is why Aulë loves Yavanna?"
"Perhaps, dear husband," Varda said. In her heart she was still curious.
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After strategic questioning amongst the Valar revealed nothing, Varda went to Yavanna's greatest confidant. "Have you never wondered why your sister married Aulë?"
Vána shrugged. "Not particularly. She loves him and he loves her. Sometimes when they look at each other, it is a reflection of how our Creator looks at us: pure, true love."
Varda gave Vána a look.
Vána sighed. "Alright, yes. I'm curious. Do you want me to ask?"
"What a wonderful idea!"
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Vána joined her sister at the beginning of spring, the most intense part of the year for them. They wanted everything to be as perfect as possible. Vána wished to ask her sister after approaching the subject subtly. Yavanna, however, avoided her sister's crafty questioning. The Earth Mother missed her husband's straight-forwardness at such times.
Finally, Vána gave up and asked without any pretense, "Yavanna, why did you marry Aulë? What possible motive could the two of you have to be together? You have neither the same temperament nor the same passions. Why have you chosen to be two as one?"
Yavanna looked up, the daisies in her hair making her look like a young, Mortal maid. "Where do you think earthquakes come from?
And thus it was the Valar found out Yavanna and Aulë got married to have earthshattering sex.
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A/N: I wrote this fic purely for the punchline. I asked my Silmarillion read-along team, Team Edain, if it would be okay and they loved it. (Both are on Tumblr. The first is tolkienreadalong.) This is way too late, but this is dedicated to those dear dorks. Live fast, die awesome.