Mind Your Elders

"Y-Y-YOU!" Lina screams. The nearly polished cutlery clatters as the furious young redhead slams her hands onto the stained tabletop. Standing swiftly to her feet, the chair teeters, but remains upright despite her violent upheaval.

"After all these years I have finally tracked you down you obnoxious brat," an old man croaks, lifting his nubby finger at her. "Finally I will-ChgH!" abruptly the old man coughs, a wet gunk ridden wheeze that causes everyone in the tavern to quickly lose their appetites.

Covering his mouth weakly with one hand, the old man raises the other palm forward to let them know he isn't finished talking. Despite this the man keeps coughing and sputtering to the point where it feels like he might topple over and die. As he continues to cough Lina's expression gradually turns from explosive fury to dry irritation.

"Old Moron," Lina grinds as she waits.

"Don't call me that!" the man screams hoarsely before coughing again. He coughs so hard he nearly throws out his back. "Insolent youngin'," he gurgles as if it's all her fault.

"Old Moron," Lina snaps back.

"Loudmouth," he croaks in turn.

"Moron!"

"Brat!"

As the two go at it, Zelgadis and Gourry watch from the table with varying amounts of interest. When nothing explosive erupts from Lina's hand, Zelgadis casually takes a sip of his coffee while Gourry continues eating. If they got involved with every crackpot Lina managed to insult over the years they wouldn't still be alive.

"Wonder who the old man is," Gourry mumbles around his food as he watches the petty display of verbal abuse.

"Does it matter?" Zelgadis asks with a snuff.

"So you don't know him?" Gourry asks in shock.

Lifting a brow at Gourry, Zelgadis shakes his head so minutely you can barely tell it's moving. "Why would I?" he asks.

"Oh good," Gourry sighs with a grin. "I was worried I might have forgotten someone again."

"You might have," Zelgadis grins at his friend. "But if he was really dangerous you would be defending Lina right now."

"Good point," Gourry laughs and the two men enjoy the show.

"For the last time I didn't destroy your lab, you did! Hardly my fault you can't aim you Old Moron!" Lina folds her arms over her chest and takes a seat again. "Now I have a meal to enjoy so bug off!"

"Y-yo-you-in-ins-insolent-b-br-," the old man is so angry none of the words he wants to say can make it out of his mouth. As his words and thoughts try to match up, Lina concentrates on her food again. This frustrates the old man even more, turning his pale wrinkled features as red as an old red chili pepper. It's rather comical.

"Hey you okay?" Gourry asks, growing concerned for the old wobbling thing. "Maybe you should sit down. It's not good for an old guy to get so worked up."

Gourry's kind words are the last straw. "You give me no choice!" With a flurry of his robe, the old sorcerer reaches into his cape and pulls out what looks like an old cracked pendant. Holding it high and teetering back a bit with the momentum, he throws it into the center of their table. "CURSE OF MY VENGEANCE RELEASE YOURSELF!"

In an instant a billowing orange smoke bursts from the pendant like an underwater geyser, swiftly covering the table and the three traveling companion who happen to be sitting there. Laughing and eventually coughing, the old man hits his chest and catches his breath. "Now Lina Inverse shall be cursed with a great illness that will make her bed ridden for weeks!" he declares to all those witnessing the strange sight.

One of the guests scrunches his nose. "Weeks?" he asks.

"Yes weeks," the old man confirms.

No one has the heart to tell him how silly he is being, not with the impressive smoke trick taking place.

The orange smoke remains snuggly around Lina's table, hugging the occupants tightly but affecting no one else in the establishment. When it slowly dissipates a young man shoots up and gives the old man a heart attack. The red head youth coughs and waves his hands around in an attempt to make the smoke scatter faster. "WHAT WAS THAT YOU OLD MORON!" he cries.

Both the sorcerer and young man stare at each other with wide eyes. Slowly the cursed lad lifts his hand to his throat, his eyes growing impossibly large by what he feels there. As he comes to grips with the addition of an Adams apple the old man is unable to breath and with a hissing wheeze falls to floor in a heap.

"Hey, you old coot, what's the big idea!" Lina grabs the old sorcerer's cowl and starts shaking him relentlessly. His voice is a tenor now, not extremely low and very young, but still nothing close to the voice he had before. "What kind of sick joke is this? You change me back right now you hear! You are not allowed to die until I say so!"

The old man croaks.

"AHHHHRRGGGHHHHH!" A now male Lina screams in outrage.

Close by his companions bodies take shape in the fog, Zelgadis coughs and wobbles to his, or more accurately 'her' feet. "What happened?" Zelgadis groans and grips the table when she realizes that the voice coming out of her mouth belongs to a woman. Glancing down, she curses before screaming at Lina. "YOU IDIOT!" As the female chimera glares at Lina, her cheeks dimly glow red.

"Why is this my fault? It's his fault!" Lina screams back, pointing down at the clearly dead man.

"If you hadn't . . ." Zelgadis is cut off from her tirade when she hears some gasping close beside her. Looking down she see's Gourry who has collapsed onto the ground and is trying to unclasp her armor from her chest. "Gourry?" Quickly Zelgadis snaps the buckle, releasing the tension created by Gourry's impressive new bust size.

"Thanks Zelgadis, I don't know why that happened?" Gourry smiles sweetly. At first she doesn't seem to realize there is a problem until she notices the stares of those around her and recollects that her voice hasn't always been so light sounding. Glancing down, Gourry jumps to her feet and screams. "When did that happen!? Why did you put a bra on me?"

Zelgadis slams a hand into her face, a solid crack resounding through the tavern.

Lina is the first to respond verbally. "OH COME ON!" he cries. "Why does he get such a big rack?!"

"Don't you mean 'she'?" Zelgadis asks dully.

"Shut up!"

Author's Note: I got this idea from ObeliskX, so thanks goes to him. It was a lot of fun to write and I'll write more if people show an interest in it, otherwise this seemed like a good humorous note to end on. I hope you enjoy!