This is the second story I'm doing in a series based on my favourite songs. This fic is based on the Evanescence song 'My Immortal', because that song is one of the saddest modern songs in the world.
This fic is set three months and two days after the wedding of Fleur and Bill, because it's been exactly three months since it happened.
I'm not going to go review hunting, but I really love it when I get them and if it's possible I'll get back to you, either through reviews or an e-mail, depending which is easiest at the time.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Potter, I don't own My Immortal. All I own is the always precious memories of the long hours spent with those two things combined.
As always this is for my 'brother' Matty, another precious memory.
IMMORTALITY.
I'm so tired of being here
This life is just too much for me, if I had an option I think I'd escape, because this is just so boring and nothing seems to ever happen. No-body seems to care for me anymore, so I'm just living this lie. Maybe I'll take my own life, that way I'll get to be with mum and dad again. Hey, that wouldn't be so bad, I've wanted to be with them again for so long, ever since dad left this mortal life.
Suppressed by all my childish fears.
But I can't do that to myself, because as much as I hate to admit it I am scared, I'm scared of dying and leaving all the people I love behind. I know that it's really childish to be scared of death because it's going to happen anyway but I'm terrified, the idea of dying really freaks me out, the idea of facing the unknown without even the trusted views of the Quibbler to help me.
And if you have to leave
It's horrible for me too, because of course dad is still here in essence. But I feel like he's only here to spite me, even though I know he's not. I mean, we were really close and I know he's only trying to look after me. But sometimes I just feel like, 'well dad, you've practically left me.' and it makes me want to cry, because I love him so much and I always will. I hate that he had to go away, but I understand that he had no option. Mum was waiting beyond the veil for him and it was about time he joined her. He kept her waiting for long enough, because when you think about it six years is a very long time.
I wish that you would just leave
But while I love having dad here still, it hurts because it keeps bringing up memories. I never wanted to loose him but I didn't want to have to be reminded of my loss every time I'm in my own home, which is what's happening at the moment. Some times I just feel like he's staying here but I want him not to be, and I feel really bad about it because I love him so much and always will. But sometimes I just wish he wasn't. Well, not that he didn't exist, but that he was able to rest and let me do the same.
Cause your presence still lingers here
I spend my whole life now trying to forget about the pain that his death caused me, but everywhere I look there are the memories of him, in everything in the house because it was once his. I know that Harry Potter has already said that he's going to hunt down Voldemort and destroy him, but if I have anything to do with it I'll be there too. But I won't try and take Voldemort because that's Harry Potter's job; I just want to get his supporters who killed dad.And it won't leave me alone
But I do wish I could be given a chance to forget about him, because the feeling that he's here is constantly around me, and even though I love that he's still here and still loves me sometimes it's a bit scary. The idea that I can't have a moments peace without the bit of him that's left here trying to talk to me, or effecting me in some way.These wounds won't seem to heal,
I know it's been three months since he died now but the wounds still feel so open, so painful. Like loosing him and the pain related to it is something that will always haunt me and always make me feel sad. They're like that wound Mr Weasley got in the Christmas of my fourth year, the one that wouldn't heal because it had poison in it. Only in this case the poison is the love I had, and still have, for my father. It just makes me wonder, would life be any easier if I hadn't been so attached to him.
This pain is just too real,
And much as I hope that this is just a dream I know it's not. It's not a dream and it's never going to be, the pain hurts too much for me even to imagine I'm living in anything other than reality. Cold, hard reality. Oh don't we just love it so much; the pain that characters in books can't ever experience because they're not real, because they're fictional and will never experience death. Or if they do then they never really react properly, because they're fictional and the people who write about death as a main part of their plots are either people who've never experienced death on a personal level or had major problems accepting it. Oh how I wish I was a fictional character and couldn't feel pain like I'm feeling now.
There's just too much that time cannot erase.
It's funny really, because since dad died I've been thinking about Mum a lot more too, about how much I miss her. And I realised that people think I'm strange now, but they've only been like that since mum died, and it's as if her death effected me more than I ever knew. Well, I guess it probably did and I think I knew that all along but I didn't realise until I actually put time into thinking about it. And I realised how much I miss her too, how much I base my life around her even though she's not here anymore. Hell, neither is dad now, the only person in any way like a parent I've got is Mrs Weasley, who wants me to go and live with her now. But I don't' want to, but not because of her. I just want to stay where dad was, where I can still feel him if I need to. I stayed with her and Ginny for a few weeks after it happened but in the end I just had to come home again. It hurt too much to be away from home.
When you cried I'd, wipe away all of your tears
Me and dad were there for each other the whole time, we were a pair and we looked out for each other. Whenever one of us was down we wouldn't need anyone else. We both knew how to cheer each other up and it was just us two. We were happy that way, because it meant that we could keep up some of our traditions of remembering mum without people giving us weird looks. I miss those traditions now, like me sitting with him in the evenings and us remembering something mum used to do or him telling me a story about when they were both younger, before I came on the scene. And I know I'm too old to be told stories to by my daddy now, but I did used to and I miss it now he's not here anymore.
When you scream I'd fight away all of your fears.
He used to always be there for me when I was scared too. No matter what happened he would always be there and he would always be ready to give me a hug and tell me that things were going to be okay. Even though I was turning into a young woman and he was never really a hug type person we always acted like I was ten years old, because that was how I was when mum died. And I think our relationship sort of froze after mum died, we became to rely on each other and the relationship we'd had before she went for our memories.
I held your hand through all of these years
I was the only one who was there with you the whole time when mum died, and you were the same for me. I especially remember at her funeral. Even though you should have been with your work-mates and mums family you stood by me the whole time and held my little hand in your large one. And I did the same for you in the weeks afterwards, when the mourners had left and we were by ourselves. You used to sit for hours in the evenings just staring at her chair and your eyes would glaze over. It used to scare me but I think part of me knew, hell, he needs his time to remember mummy. So instead of interrupting you like I always longed I would sit on the floor beside you, and my hand you find it's place in yours, and we would sit together for hours, just remembering.
But you still have,
And even though I'm trying to remember to move on now I can't say it's going very well. I still think about you every day, and smile at all the good memories we had together. All those times when it was just us two, or when it was you me and mummy, and we would just sit around telling stories forever and ever. And we'd just be sitting there talking and then one of us would look up and the sun would be rising over the horizon behind the house. And I remember you most when I'm sitting up at nights crying and I look out of the window and see that sunrise. Those are the times I miss you the most.
All of me.
You used to captivate me my own resonating mind.
When I was younger you were my hero, and you still are. Nothing you did would ever be anything less than perfect. It was amazing, even when you fried an egg you were the greatest person ever to walk the earth. I used to follow you round like a sick puppy, but it was just because I wanted to learn so much from you, as much as I possibly could in the time we had. Because even though I was only ten at the time I already knew that you'd be leaving. I didn't know when it would be; I thought it would be years away, but I still wanted to know everything you could teach me. And you didn't seem to mind me following you. You would explain what you were doing without me even hafting to ask, and soon I fell into the routine of your life with you, even the order you did things when you got up in the mornings.
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind.
And now, even though you're gone, I find myself following the old routine. The way you used to get up in the morning and the first thing you'd do would be to go downstairs and say hello to the plants. I started to copy you when I was about six and we would do it together, and now you're gone I still do it. It's the first thing I do in the mornings is to say hello to that spider plant. And even though I hate spider plants I can't get rid of it, because it was yours and mummy's, and it's grown so big with all the love and care you both put into it. If I got rid of it I would feel like I was getting rid of you and mum, and I couldn't do that. Because you were, and still are, my daddy.
Your face it haunts, my once pleasant dreams,
I dream about you every night, every single night your face appears to me in my dreams as I remember the times we had together. But the horrible thing is, the dreams aren't good. Well, they are good because they're about you, but they're not because they make me want to cry. I just feel like, what happened to the dreams where the deepest thing in them was purple rabbits and crumple horned snorlacks? Because I haven't once dreamed about them since you died. Well, except once the week after you died when I had to write an article for the Quibbler explaining that the stories would go on halt until we found a replacement editor. They asked me to do it because I'm your daughter, but I wouldn't take the job. The job of editing the Quibbler was yours, and if I took it on then I would feel like I was just betraying you.
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
Since you died I've been hearing your voice everywhere, and much as I love hearing you its' sending me insane. Well, I was insane anyway, everyone knew that but you, but since you've gone and I've been hearing your voice it's been even more obvious. It hurts to hear you and sometimes I just find myself screaming, but no-one except Ginny, Harry and Neville seem to understand why I'm like I am. I'm glad you got to meet them dad…because they are honestly some of the nicest people I know. And of course they're the only friends I really have. I'm so happy that you thought they were good people when you met them, and that you were able to come to Bill and Fleurs wedding before you died. I'm glad my last really happy memory of you includes all my friends as well.These wounds won't seem to heal,
You're killing me by leaving me dad, but I'm starting to try and move on. It hurts a lot and my heart is being ripped open every second of the day, but I'm moving on and I'm getting on with my life. Hey, I've even started re-decorating the house recently. The pain is still here digging into me but we knew that was going to happen, I knew that when I came home from Ginny's house and found your body. We didn't know how long you'd been there but it hurt to find you and it still does. Every time I come home I almost expect to see your feet sticking out from the sitting room door again, and I thank whoever's up there when they're not. Because I know they won't be but it's still scary to think they could be.
This pain is just too real,
The pain is real now, more real than I could ever have imagined, but I don't mind. Now I know what Neville must feel like. And it is really horrible, but at least we both know we've got someone to talk to now if we really need to. I know my situation isn't as bad as his because you and mum are really gone, but in one level its still the same. Neither of us have parents to live with anymore even though we should have, and both of us are friends of Harry and Ginny. Apparently some people even thought that Neville and Ginny were going to get together in our fourth year but they didn't. I'm glad, because I think if they had then Harry Potter would have had a fit. He cares about Ginny a lot, and even though he had to split up with her its obvious that they really miss each other, that it hurts them to be separate.
There's just so much that time cannot erase.
I can't believe how much I love you and mum, even though it's been six years since she died. Its only been three months since you left us and loosing you brought up all the memories of her and of granny and granddad on both sides. I hadn't thought about them in years, because I don't know, everything else was happening, but when I thought about them I realised, yea, that's another thing that's never going to change or heal, that I loved and miss them. I suppose it would have been worse for you loosing them because they were your parents for so much longer than they were my grandparents. And I know how it feels to loose your parents, even though I hate to talk about it like that. Because I realised today something that I never thought of before, and that's that I'm an orphan. I'm sixteen and I've got no parents, so in theory I'm the same as all those people living out on the streets with nothing. I'm an orphan the same as Harry.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears,
I would give anything to be with you now daddy, to hold you and to make sure you were okay. To be with you when you meet up with mummy again and to watch you as you are reunited with your love. I don't know if I'll ever fall in love, but part of me thinks I will, just part of me. I don't know where I got that idea from, because nobody in their right mind would love 'loony' Lovegood. I'm not that type of person; I'm more of a person to avoid in that field. Or to avoid anyway. But the one thing I can honestly say is that I'm there for people, especially for my friends. And I might not be very good at many other things but I'm good at being a friend and I'm proud of that fact. It was one of the things you told me when I used to get upset and lonely. You used to tell me that I was a good friend and that was the only thing that really mattered to anyone in the long run.
When you scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I know that you're probably scared about going on now dad, and if I could be with you then I would. But Ginny told me that the most cowardly thing you can do in the world is commit suicide. It's the fools way out was what she said, and I suppose it makes sense. Because if you can't face you follow someone into the next life without any idea of what's going to happen then you must be pretty stupid. And much as I love you I don't want to risk walking through the veil until I know that I can come back again. Because even if I would love to die now, to be with you again, I know there's no way back and I'm not done with life yet. In my dreams I hear you screaming at me to help you because you're hurt, and all the time I try to follow you but I always come up against a wall I can't pass. That's how I feel now, like I've reached a barrier and I'm unable to pass it but I have to if I want to follow you.
I held you hand through all of these years
I honestly don't know how I'm going to cope without you now, how I'm going to manage without you to hold onto me and pull me to safety whenever things got too much to cope with. Whenever I though that it was all too hard you'd grab my hand and pull me back, but you're not here to do that for me anymore and already I feel myself falling into a pit of emotions that are threatening to overwhelm me. How am I going to keep myself away from pain without you, dad? How am I going to learn the difference between right and wrong choices without you there to point me in the right direction?
But you still have
But even though you're not here for me, even though you've gone away, you're still the person I think about the most, the person I love the most in the world. You always will be too, always, no matter what happens. Because you were the one who brought me up and taught me to be a good person. I might have all my friends now but you'll still be the most important to me, the person I remember with most joy and sadness. The person I love the most and the person I dream of most often. You will always be my father and I don't think a bond between a father and daughter can be bettered by any other relationship in the world.
All of me
You once told me that once you were gone everything you and mum owned would be mine dad, and that you were mine already. I never understood what you meant until recently though, when I realised that you're still with me in my heart, and that you only left something behind you so I would still be able to feel that I had part of you. But you didn't need to, you could have gone on all the way, and I would prefer if you did. I've had you on my own for six years; as far as I'm concerned its mums turn to have you with her for a while. I don't know how long it will be until I'm with you but until that day please don't forget that you will always have my heart, all of it and all of me.
I tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
I've been trying to convince myself that it's over for three months now dad, but it didn't work. I've had my friends with me to help me too and it's still been hard. I've spent ages now trying to convince myself that you're not with us anymore, but it's been so hard. I finally realised that you aren't actually gone because you're still here in my heart, and hey, you always will be won't you. You'd never think it was Harry who told me that, who explained to me about the memories and the people you love being in your heart until you need them for something. He said that even though he never really knew his mum or dad whenever he needed them they'd been there for him. That when he was in first year and he'd needed to know himself they came to him in the mirror of Erised, and when he needed them to stay alive after the Triwizard Tournament they'd been there to help him too, to save him from his imminent death. It just made me think.
But though you're still with me
You'll always be with me dad, I know that now and it feels good in a strange way. Because I know that I'll never loose you now and that you'll be there to comfort me when I need you. It wont be in a physical way and I know that because it's impossible to have a friendship like that with a memory, but I'll know you're there and I'll know you love me no matter what happens. And I can honestly say that that's the best thing I've felt in ages, in all the months since you died.
I've been alone all alone.
I've felt like I was the only one going through these things for so long now, I thought I'd never find something to talk to but I have. And I also discovered that sometimes the best thing you can do is write things down, because it helps to get it out of your system and makes you see things clearer. Writing my feelings down today has really helped me to cope, and I've realised now that I will never loose you dad, no matter how alone I might feel sometimes. And I have got my friends too, and I'll always have them and I know they'll always be there for me if I need them for anything. And it's the best feeling in the word, knowing that you've got friends. And that they care about you and that they'll always be there for you. It's the best thing I've ever felt.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears,
So I remember dad, all the times we held each other and comforted each other when we were down.
When you scream I'd fight away all of your fears,
And remember how you used to come to me in those times when the only emotion on my face was a frown.
I held your hand through all of these years,
I remember how you were there by me whenever I was down or needed someone, whenever I needed to talk.
But you still have
But most of all dad,
All of me.
I remember you.