A/N: Been a while, but it's still bubbling away quietly. By the way, saw Due Date, own it on DVD, and I think it's awesome. I think my favourite part was the feeling with which Peter swore.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Pepper glanced up from her laptop as Tony stormed into the living room. He was speechless with rage, and veins were popping out all over his face. He was white, and trembling, and his eyes were shooting flames. She'd never seen him like this, not even when Dr Cruel captured her or when every roll of toilet paper in the house was used up.

He stood in front of her and glared fiercely for a few moments, gulping in huge amounts of air. Pepper knew he'd have digestion issues tonight.

"Pepper. Some- some bastard has done it. The unthinkable. I can't believe this. He's gonna fry. I'm serious. Not my baby. No way."

"Tony," Pepper took his hand gently, "what happened? Who did what?"

Tony struggled with himself for a minute. Then, all in a rush, he blurted out.

"SomebastardkeyedtheR8."

Pepper sighed internally. Boys and their toys. She schooled her expression.

"Oh no, how terrible. We'll just take it to the dealer and get it repainted-"

"No, look, Pepper, Audi don't just paint cars. They charge the different paints oppositely to the frame and dunk it in huge vats before heating it in a type of huge oven for hours. Every little blemish or dust particle is controlled and eliminated. Obviously, this is done while the car is in the process of being made, and the wheels and axles and engine and windows and gearbox and sideblades are not attached yet."

Pepper bit her lip. "And these things can't be...unattached?"

"Peps, they'd have to strip the old paint off first. The integrity of the frame would be compromised. Effectively, this moron, this- this crime against automobiles, has cost me a $150 000 supercar."

"This sounds cold-hearted, I know, but isn't that an acceptable price? I mean, you're a billionaire, and, well, you'd only need to replace the frame and reattach the bits you already have."

Tony slumped. "And you'd be mostly right, Pepper. But it has a soul, and the soul will go along with the frame. Anyway, even if it gets fixed, this still leaves the problem of being keyed in the first place. I don't even know how the evil heartless creature got access to the bird in the first place. Or where to find him."

"Uh...Tony, is that wise? Don't you think searching for him is a bad idea?" Pepper asked warily. She was just going to ignore the soul thing.

"Of course not. I want to shoot him."

"My point exactly. Shooting someone, while not altogether unusual for a former weapons manufacturer come vigilante, is illegal. They'll lock you up."

"Just for you, I'll leave it as a last resort. Man love in the communal shower doesn't suit me. In the meantime, I'll upgrade the security system in this place, and try to get some compensation from the sinner." Tony's face was set in determination. "And it's superhero, not vigilante."

Pepper rolled her eyes. She'd pick her own battles.

Very carefully, she continued. "Do you really need the money?"

"Well, no, not really, but it'll make an example of him and hopefully no one else will try to lay a single life-ruining hand on my baby ever again. And if that doesn't work, the instant killer laser I'm setting up will."

"Um," Pepper began with tact, "I suppose the 'instant' part of that machine is the speed at which you'll land in prison..."

Tony gave a dangerous smile. "I have contacts," he said mysteriously.

Pepper decided he probably did. But in her book, it didn't matter. Because at the centre of this huge mess she found herself in, was a car. A car, for God's sake. An expensive, well-branded, pretty car, yes, but a car nonetheless. She would not let Tony kill someone over a car.

It was time to put her foot down. But not on the accelerator.

"Tony, you will not be murdering anyone. You will not pay or threaten or coerce anyone else to kill on your behalf either. No murdering."

"Aww, Pepper..."

"No, Tony." Pepper was serious.

He pinched the bridge of his nose. "All right. But he really deserves it and if he accidently falls off a building it wasn't me."

"Absolutely correct. It won't be you."

"But can I still find him? Just to make sure he won't do it again. Please, Pepper?" Tony made puppy dog eyes.

No matter how hard she tried, Pepper could not resist puppy dog eyes.

"Fine. But don't hurt him."

Tony rolled his eyes. "Yes, Mom." Then he was all business.

"Jarvis, I want signs, like, 'lost dog' signs, asking for the R8 scratcher. Oh, and include a $10 000 reward."

Pepper's jaw dropped open. "Tony-"

"Peps, he won't come if there isn't any money, and it isn't like I'm actually going to pay him. Just get his name down and claim ten grand in damages. Even though it comes closer to fifty. Bastard."

Pepper thought about arguing, but decided he'd already come a long way from shooting on sight. She'd let him do this. It was therapy.

"Sir, I have created the document you requested and one hundred copies are printing upstairs."

"Make it two," Tony said decisively. Then he continued, somewhat unfocused. "And I really need to set up a printer down here...but it'll need to be able to carry double-thick matted schematics and..."

Pepper zoned out as Tony planned his arc-powered printer. But one word brought her back with horror.

"Peps, I need a printer than prints straight to lingerie. There's a new franchising aspect of Iron Man I want to explore. You know, Iron Man."

"Tony," Pepper spluttered, "you cannot have Iron Man lingerie. No. It will not happen. Not if I can help it."

"But Pepper, I need something to cheer me up. Every time I close my eyes I see long, jagged carvings in the flanks of my beautiful, sweet, harmless coupé."

"Tony."

"It's terrible, the roughly hewn rips in the fabulous dynamics."

"Tony!"

"The filings on the floor, where tiny slivers of key metal and paint flakes have drifted softly down."

"Tony, shut up! You're being totally overdramatic. And while you were talking about printers, Jarvis sent out an online 'lost and found' as he printed the hardcopies, and it just got a hit! Well, lots of fake hits, but the first genuine one. A Mr. Mark 'Ro Boy' Davies would like to come at eleven and collect his reward."

Tony's eyes flashed dangerously before he controlled his features. "Tell him to come on round. I'll be waiting."

Tony retreated back to his lair to resume pining over his R8.

Eighteen days later, Mr. 'Ro Boy' Davies fell to his death while climbing his apartment building for thrills. Pepper did not speak to Tony for a week.

"But Pepper, I really didn't!"

A/N2 So there it is. Just so everyone knows, I am totally on Tony's side with this one. That car is hot.