Old Dun Fortress MACINTYRE, a team fortress 2 fanfic

"Blimey, mates, Soldier's about to sing." exclaimed Sniper.

The entire RED team had gone down to the pub in Teufort for a couple of pints, before it became several dozen for Soldier, Demo, and Heavy. Demo and Heavy had passed out as they'd too much to drink. It was the busiest Friday of the month for the pub as it was music night.

"Oh no." said Spy in despair, putting his head in his hands.

"We've gotta stop him before he embarrasses us." stated Scout.

However, Soldier's team-mates didn't managed to get to him before he started singing, and, to his team-mates' surprise, someone played along on the guitar, as Soldier's song was based on Old Dun Cow.

The song went:

Some friends and I in our old RED base,
Was playing a game of chance one night,
When into the pub the Pyro ran,
His mask all a chalky white.
"What's up", says Demo, "Have you seen a ghost,
Or have you seen your Aunt Mariah?"
"Me Aunt Mariah be screwed!", muttered he,
"The blinking base's on fire!"

And there was Demo, he was upside down,
Lappin' up the whiskey on the floor.
"Booze, booze!" The Pyro cried,
As he came knockin' on the door.
Oh don't let 'im in till it's all drunk up,
And somebody shouted MacIntyre! MACINTYRE!
And we all got blue-blind paralytic drunk
When the old RED base caught fire.

"Oh well," says Demo, "What a bit of luck.
Everybody follow me.
And it's down to the cellar,
If the fire's not there,
Then we'll have a grand old spree."
So we went on down after good old Demo,
The booze we could not miss.
And we hadn't been there ten minutes or more,
Till we were quite drunk.

And there was Demo, he was upside down
Lappin' up the whiskey on the floor.
"Booze, booze!" The Pyro cried,
As he came knockin' on the door.
Oh don't let 'im in till it's all drunk up,
And somebody shouted MacIntyre! MACINTYRE!
And we all got blue-blind paralytic drunk
When the old RED base caught fire.

Then, Sniper walked over to the port wine tub,
And gave it just a few hard knocks.
Started takin' off his pantaloons,
Likewise his shoes and socks.
"Hold on," says Demo, "that ain't allowed
Ya cannot do that thing here.
Don't go washin' trousers in the port wine tub,
When we got Guinness beer."

Then there came from the Intelligence room,
The dime-a-dozen backstabber.
And when he saw our drunken ways,
He began to scream and curse.
"Ah, you drunken sods! You heathen clods!
You've taken to a drunken spree!
You drank up all the Bordeaux wine,
And you didn't save a drop for me!"

And then there came a mighty crash,
Half the blimmin' roof gave way.
We were almost burnt in the Pyro's wrath,
But still we were gonna stay.
So we got some tacks and some old wet sacks,
And we nailed ourselves inside,
And we sat drinking the finest Rum,
Till we were bleary-eyed.

Later that night, when the fire was out,
We came up from the cellar below.
Our base was burned. Our booze was drunk.
Our heads was hanging low.
"Oh look", says Demo with a look quite queer.
Seems something raised his ire.
"Now we gotta get down to Heavy's house,
He'll be sleeping on the hour!"

Soldier's song got a round of applause from almost everyone present.

"Crikey mates, he weren't so bad. Everybody here seems to love him. Wait a minute... he's about to sing again!" exclaimed Sniper.

"Oh no." said Spy in despair, putting his head in his hands.

"We've gotta stop him before he embarrasses us." stated Scout.

This time, however, Scout managed to get to Soldier before he lurched into song again. Soldier was a bit surprised, as he'd had a little too much to drink, but was easy to persuade because of this. Soldier had to be helped up, carried back to the RED base, and laid on his bunk by Scout and Sniper, which they did not enjoy doing in the least. Scout and Sniper then went into the communal area, and collapsed into two chairs.

"That was unpleasant mate, and I am NEVER going to carry Soldier back here again." said Sniper.

"I agree with ya. I won't carry Soldier again." stated Scout.

When Demo, who was still in the pub, woke up, he found that people were singing traces of Soldier's singing, mainly the bits about the black Scottish cyclops, which did not make him happy. As a result, he went and slept in a dark alley, were he awoke the following morning with a cat licking him.

"Get away from me." muttered Demo, kicking the cat in the stomach.

Demo made his way to the RED base with a massive hangover. When he arrived, he asked Sniper what Soldier's song was about.

"Seriously mate, you DO NOT want to know." replied the Australian.

"Okay." slurred Demo, before Medic arrived and gave Demo a dressing down about the Scot's drinking habits.

A/N So, what do you think? Please rate and review.