Hello!
Well, this is the first fanfic that I'm publishing in English, but not the first fanfic I've ever published xD
Considering that, I would appreciate your sincere opinion about it as well as any kind of correction, if you find some mistakes in it. Thanks for reading…
L O V E S I C K
Talk to me, show some pity;
You touch me in many, many ways, but I'm shy, can't you see?
(Shy – Sonata Artica)
Frustrating; every day is more frustrating than the one before. I live submersed in flames of guilt; of helplessness; of anger against myself, as well as against your attitude apparently impassive.
But deep down, I really have no idea, do I? I've never asked you if you like me as much as I like you.
Every morning from Monday to Friday I arrive at the same time, cross the blue main entrance of the school and let my gaze wander over the sea of students that wait for the warning bell to ring before heading to their classrooms. Every fucking morning is the same: yet among all the humans that I've ever glimpsed, you have always—always— stood out like an angel to me; you still would even in the midst of the most miserable corner of the universe.
There is no occasion where I don't feel breathless, where my heart pumps so fucking hard that it hurts, almost as if it was going to come out-probably for me to give it to you.
"Horokeu" is the name tattooed into my subconscious; there is not a moment in which you do not affect my life, so present even when you aren't actually there. The single fact of knowing that you exist on the same planet as I do has turned me into a sick, obsessive person.
To sum up, I love you in an insane way and -what the hell- you are never going to get it.
You never notice anything.
Because when I glance towards your seat, diagonal to mine, and my eyes crash with yours, it feels like the end of the world to me. Yet at the same time, it feels like paradise. It's the one moment of my day that I feel is worth getting out of bed for.
And how I wish that you could understand that I don't turn to look at you not because you don't matter to me, but because you enrapture me so, and perhapsbecause I don't know what I would be capable of… maybe it scares me to realize just how incredibly perfect you seem to me at any given moment.
You are accustomed to talking with everyone— the others, who are always happy and sociable, and then there is the occasion where you address me: I've always responded through either simply ignoring you or moving my head to say "yes" or "no." You probably think I'm just standoffish. But you don't understand—couldn't understand—how it's simply because never, in all these years, have I actually had the balls to pronounce even one coherent sentence in your presence.
And I hate myself for that. You don't have the slightest idea of how much I hate being me; a repressed jerk that doesn't even have the guts to talk casually in a decent manner with the object of his affection…
And with every day that passes, you seem to grow less interested in trying to experience what my "perfect world" is like, which –I am sure- I will never allow; but never because I don't want to, it's just that… shit, I don't know how to, I can't. I'd need a really significant reason or even proof to be sure that you truly want to listen to my disgusting voice, and that is not possible.
I realize that that is my own fault, for I know that soon you won't bother to try and connect to me at all, although you are the epitome of kindness - tenderness materialized. You are human, after all.
Watching you go home every afternoon never fails to make me feel like I'm dying. Every time feels like it is yet another chance I have lost for being a coward, a big piece of nothing—nothing. Like I am merely a hindrance taking up space on the Earth, and whose reason in life has been reduced to simply adoring you like the blind idiot I am; the idiot who doesn't want to realize that you are out of my reach.
Although in reality, I really have no one but myself to blame for that particular circumstance—just as one who chooses to commit suicide doesn't have anyone but himself to turn the blame on for his death.
You are everything I've ever dreamt of, and every time I look at you, I fall a bit deeper for you—and, considering the fact that I pass every minute scrutinizing you. Well, I suppose you might be able to imagine just how much you mean to me…
Hold on, no. You really can't, can you?
And all thanks to me.
I want to thank my beta, thoughtless dreamer. Without her help, I'd have published a piece of junk n.nU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
PS: RenHoro RLZ! :D