And All That Could Have Been
Once upon a time I had been like him. Gullible and naive to the ways of the world. But that was once upon a time, and I never cared much for fairy tales. I didn't expect any of this to go this way. I didn't think my criticisms get me anywhere with relationships. My shell was designed that way. I forced everyone away. I did not want soft words, and fidelity. I needed one night stands and brief encounters to try to fill the hole in me.
That was until the little brash punk decided that it was worth the effort to chase me down. I found myself attracted to him. He reminded me of a peice of myself I longed to regain. I knew that if I were to pursue this I would be trying to find myself in something that was unstable, like dynamite sweating Nitroglycerin. Which fits he is a cure for chest pains, though not of a physical nature.
He always looked like this, sprawled out with a blanket haphazardly covering him.
Every night I found myself taking a good look at the boy before I went to my bed and slept. He kept my dreams a bay, not that I ever really remembered my dreams. Quick flashes, blurs of what could have been. The dreams may have been suppressed but the feelings when I awoke lingered. Forcing me from sleep for anywhere for minutes to hours.
Shuichi changed all that. He changed the feelings. I, sometimes, even slept through the night. Waking up feeling better, feeling more alive then I had felt in six years. Then reality came back to me and the short state of Nirvana was nothing but a small memory in my vast unconsciousness.
I know that him being here and the lack of dreams means something; but every time I try to analyze it I get afraid and I forget even thinking about it. I resign that some things are better left unsaid, better left forgotten. I know that it's a lie but I've gotten damned good at lying, especially to myself. I know that tonight will be one of those nights when I think of my past and end up pulling an impromptu all nighter.
I lean back against the wall and look at the boy. His boy shifted on my couch and now the blanket found the floor.
I let myself smile as I watched the boy sleep. His hair spread out against his pillow, mouth open letting soft snores pass through it. I was then tempted to rouse him and take my fill, but it was late and he had work in the morning and if he was late again I was sure someone would strangle him.
I do care. Don't let me lie to myself about that. I do. He is always there, always in some way protecting me for myself. Not that he'd ever need to know that. I don't think I'd like it as much if he knew my feelings. He may stop begging for my affection, and loose interest in me entirely. I don't think I could bear life without him, as annoying as he can be.
That was something that got on my nerves, but not always in a bad way, if that makes any sense. It was always a distraction, but more often then not a welcome one. He had that power over me, He didn't know how I would melt and relish all the sweet nothings that came out of his mouth. They were kindling and sometimes even added coal to my dying fire. I was freezing over entirely until he came in and yelled 'I'm home!'. This is what home should be like, something to look forward to, not something that makes you want to disappear.
There are so many things he doesn't know. Pieces of my life he may never know; because I may never know. It becomes depressing when your bother-in-law knows more about your life then you do. More then you may ever be able to understand, and when as a grown man they think you're not strong enough to handle your own past. I sigh and feel my knees growing shaky. I slide down the wall, the floor a welcome comfort.
I pull my knees up to my chest. I don't think any of them realize how much I need to know. So what if I'm not strong enough? At least then I can understand why. Why I am so afraid of getting attached, why I am so afraid of love. Why I am so empty. Why I can't fix myself. Why I can't just say and actually put all my feelings in words, words for him to hear, for any of them to hear. Not just write out their true feeling, their true gravity in books.
I've grown to detest my books, they mock me, mock my lack of ability to say things. Say things I yearn to say, that I actually thank Tohma and Mika for the unwavering support they have given me even if it does get a bit possessive at time. To be closer to Tatsua, and be a better brother, because his opinion actually matters to me and has a very drastic effect on me. Say those special words to Shuichi that I know he wants to hear.
I say them in my mind all the time, but whenever get close to saying anything close to them I get afraid and another insult comes out of my mouth. I know that Shuichi just brushes them aside, and has playfully dubbed my lack of ability to orate my real feelings Yuki speak. He has a whole internal dictionary, of my phrases and what they really mean. Hell he's even taken to me calling him a brat as some sort of pet name. But that doesn't stop him from getting all worked up when I call him by his name.
Feeling the relief of settling on the thought of his own happiness(I am more of a masochist then I thought.) flee from my grasp. The gravity of my wall came back, and I could feel that hole burning inside me, slowly corroding, destroying, in the sweetest nature possible. Much like one of Tohma's smiles. I smirk at the comment coming out of my head.
I felt like Pink not the singer but the person. Not that Pink would make much sense to anyone. I felt like Pink from The Wall, just slowly progressing down a staircase that was much too steep to climb. But I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop from traveling to myself induced prison. I thought briefly back to the film. It was one of my favorites, not that my Shuichi ever needed to know that some part of me enjoyed modern music.
Shuichi, was the one that made me be captured. He had me be caught red handed showing feelings, showing feelings of an almost human nature. I had to fight the urge of laughing when I thought of the trial, scared but curious to how well it fit my predicament. First the School master, he would have flayed me into shape. I felt the bite of bitter rage, before I let it pass and thought of the next inner demon to torment Pink during the trial. The praying mantis, every woman that came in and out of his life. Killing off their mate after they had succeeded in reproducing. I understood that peice almost perfectly one-night-stands had left me colder, and emptier then the day before. The mother was next, bringing overbearing affection. Ah, like my Tohma, how I sympathize with Pink. So here I was at my own trial. I have two paths in which I can venture.
I can tear down my wall. Or, I can run away and never see any of this again. I'm set for life, just buy an apartment somewhere in the US, spend sparingly, maybe get a different pen name and write more. Just not in Japan, just disappear. The thought of running away sounded appealing. I could do it tomorrow. I took a few deep breaths and then stood. I looked over at Shuichi.
Could you leave him and never think of him again?
No. I was good at lying. But my other voice was quicker. I couldn't leave him behind. He would be lost, although he'd be better off without me. It looks like I am tearing down my wall. I grumbled but decided to comply. I walked over to the boy and picked the blanket up off the floor and set it on him. Taking the opportunity to push the hair away from the closed eyes.
He mumbled slightly before rolling toward my touch. I knew it was the light but when I touched him I swore I saw a shadow cast over him, some sort of foreshadowing. I wrenched my hand away. I started to quietly plead for him to wake up and save me from my thoughts. But his eyes stayed closed and left me to be infected. My cure was dormant.
I moved so I could sit on the other side of the couch to watch him. My head began to buzz meaning that it was slowly overloading. I pinched the bridge of my nose, images flashing behind closed eyes. I couldn't seem to make them focus no matter how I tried. Just faces of people, then the fear.
A sharp pain danced from one side of my head to the other. Making my vision go black for a moment. It kept pushing up from behind my eyes. I squeezed them together to try to block the pain out of my system. My resistance was futile. I was going to have to submit to the images.
I knew this memory well. The man was always on mute. Always. Kitazawa. I knew the face much too well. It haunted me. It made me cold, I just wish it would go away. I saw more then I really ever have before, my head pounding telling me that this was too much. I felt sweat roll down across my lip as the video played out in my mind's eye.
Eiri.
My eyes snapped open as I heard his voice speak my name. I lifted my hand to brush away the sweat. I looked at my fingers under the lights of the city. Blood. I felt under my nose again, blood was starting to dry. I quickly rubbed it off. Trying to ignore the pain in my head. Again memories came flooding back.
It was dark, and a silhouette was against a window, a bottle clinking on the floor. Then pain, not physical but a sharp mental tear. In real time I let out a whimper. Pushing the heels of my hands against my temples. The onslaught continued.
My whole body started to tremble as his words were finally added to my memories. I tried to keep myself contained. But it felt like someone had decided that my head would be a good place to store hot pokers. I felt my body suddenly stop trembling, briefly I thought I was going to die right then and there. Then another wave of anguish passed over me. As more about my time spent in New York came back to me. The pain was almost too much for me.
Eiri don't you want-
Stop! I wanna go home. Take off this uniform and leave the show. I'm waiting in this cell because I have to know. Have I been guilty all this time?
I couldn't hold them back anymore, I broke down in silent sobs, minute convulsions making any sort of motion difficult. I felt myself slide slowly off the couch and onto the cold floor that I found quite comforting since it felt like the world was slipping away.
Losing myself in the tremors that now had me curled up on the floor. I tried to contain myself, but was rewarded with a new pain in my stomach, causing me to roll into the fetal position. My mind racing, and unable to concentrate on much of anything. It took what was left of my will to keep myself from screaming, as my body started to totally rebel against me. I gave up the fight.
I laid there on the floor shaking as tears falling as waves of emotion dragged me through the undertow that was my subconscious. A cuspate pain from my stomach forced me to turn my gaze toward the couch, a tan boney arm hung off the edge. I slowly reached for it, my body not cooperating with the task. He became my shining glory, my branch as I sank into quick sand.
"Shu-ichi" I whispered out as my fingers brushed against his skin. It felt warm next to mine. It felt like heaven. I forced my body to drag toward him, unable to concentration to my voice, small whimpers permeated the room. My tears came down uncontrollably now, holding onto the boy's warm hand clinging to it, keeping me sane.
Shuichi, take it. Take what's left of it and leave, get as far away from me as possible. I'm not good enough for you. I'm not strong enough for you. Please. Run away find someone who deserves you. Find someone who is worthy of you angel. My abdomen started to spasm. I was sure I was going to wake him.
Shuichi. I'm dirty, I'm infected, I'll infect you, and you don't need my sins you've taken too many of them already. You need to be clean and innocent. Because without that, you get lost, please never lose that, but take what left of mine and give me all the infection back give me your sins and get away from me.
I know that life could be beautiful for us but I'll destroy you, and Shuichi. I clung to his hand, my body slowly dying slowly slipping away from the world.
My Shuichi. I want you to be clean but I'd die without you. Shuichi, I need you. I need this sanity. The convolutions started to subside. My mind became cloudy, I felt somewhere between life and death. Wishing my body would choose, one or the other. I felt the tears stop flowing there was nothing wet left in me. I accepted the fact that I would die right here clinging to the only sane thing in my world.
I maybe made of ice, but even the poles' saw some sun. "Shuichi." I barely whispered out. My voice almost lost to me. "I do care . . . " Slowly my cloudy brain formed words, maybe the storm was subsiding. "I do–love you." I willed the muscles in my arms to have my hand tighten around the flesh.
"Please don't abandon me."
Breeze still carries the sound Maybe I'll disappearTracks will fade in the snow You won't find me here Ice is starting to form Ending what had begun I am locked in my head With what I've done I know you're trying to rescue me Didn't let anyone get in Left with a trace of all that was And all that could have been Please Take this And run far away Far away from me I am tainted The two of us Were never meant to be All these pieces And promises and left-behinds If only I could see In my nothing You meant everything Everything to me Gone Fading Everything And all that Could have been Could have been Please Take this And run far away Far as you can see I am tainted And happiness and peace of mind Were never meant for me All these pieces And promises and left-behinds If only I could see In my nothing You meant everything Everything to me.