Disclaimer: Don't own it, don't control what happens. Just borrowing the characters for a bit.
A/N: This is a story that takes another look at the DL relationship and really, is just something I think needs to be told. Going by the episodes of CSI:NY that I have seen, I think you can call this AU as of 4/18. They may come across OOC but please, I think this gives them more depth and looks into the confusion felt by both characters.
Either way, this is an experiment. Enjoy the ride and let me know what you think.
And special thanks to SMAngel21190. Cheers for the idea bouncing and helping me relax. You, my dear, are awesome!
Illusions commend themselves to us because they save us pain and allow us to enjoy pleasure instead. We must therefore accept it, without complaint, when they sometimes collide with a bit of reality against which they are dashed to pieces.
- Sigmund Freud.
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His head spun as he tried to hold onto something. His hands settled to fist in her hair as he tried to push past the hazy feeling. He gasped as he felt her hands run down his bare stomach, gripping onto his cold belt. He smirked when he heard her sigh in pleasure underneath him. His eyes closed when he heard his name fall gracefully from her lips.
Slowly coming down, he felt the relief radiate through him. The pleasure and bliss rested in his body as he felt her sigh against his chest. Her presence warmed him and he was thankful for that. For too long had he felt cold and numb; but now, with her next to him, he felt solace. He felt as if this would make things better. By doing this, he had tried to apologize for the wrong he had done to her.
In the harsh light of the morning, he stared at her. Her hair covered her face, her delicate hand rested on her naked stomach just above the sheets. She slept peacefully on the couch next to him and he wondered when she had last had a good nights sleep. He stared at the ceiling trying to ignore the voice that reminded him that he was to blame for her lack of sleep.
He tried, unsuccessfully, to forget about the voice in his mind. It seemed to always creep up on him to remind him that he was in fact useless and undeserving of a good life. It tried to convince him that he would always, eventually, fail the people around him. This voice, he would reason, was always right. Mac, Louie, Aiden - each person he cared about he had let down. He had given them his word and he had forgotten to keep it in his recklessness.
And now he had done it again.
He turned his head and looked at her sleeping figure. Carefully he rose from the couch to collect his clothing from the floor. After locating his badge and phone, he walked over to her side table to find her notepad. Quickly scribbling a note, he looked back at her. She looked content in sleeping, fighting off reality for a couple more hours. His mouth crooked into a small smile as he watched her before quietly exiting, shutting the door on his safe delusion.
As he sat on the cold steps that led up to her apartment block, he went through all the things he would tell her. He was sorry to have ever hurt her. He was sorry he had to retell it to her, to break her heart a little more. He was sorry, and he'd work hard to make things better. He was sorry, but it had felt right. He was sorry, but it meant a lot to him and to her. He was sorry he didn't tell her sooner. He was sorry she couldn't comfort him, not in the way he needed.
He was so sorry.
Fighting the urge to reach for his cell to phone her, so that she would arrive sooner, Danny waited a little bit longer. He could wait; he's done it long enough for her. He sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. He had to tell her. It wasn't fair to carry on shutting her out of his life; he had done that for too long.
The hostile part of him didn't think he had any reason to tell her. So he had shut her out and pushed her away, so what? She had committed the same crime when she refused to let him help her through her hard times. A part of him reasoned that she deserved it. She deserved to feel the agony and rejection that he had gone through.
Danny shook his head, he was such an idiot.
Of course she didn't deserve this. No-one should deserve to go through this amount of pain. He couldn't hide away; he couldn't carry on lying to her. And if that meant telling her the cruel, stupid things he had done, then so be it. Though, he didn't want to tell her. He was meant to protect her, not cause her more pain. And yet, he knew there was no way to stop it. It was essential for him to go over everything with her, whether she wanted to hear it or not.
The sooner she knew, the sooner he could grovel to get her back.
The jangling of keys brought him out of his thoughts and he looked up to see her standing in front of him. She looked tired and worn, and more importantly shocked to see him there. It upset him that she didn't think he wanted to be around her outside of work hours.
Licking his lips nervously, he carefully rose from his sitting position. He cleared his throat and gave her a small smile. "Hey…" As he stared at her, all the things he wanted to tell her rushed to the tip of his tongue, and yet he didn't know how to process them into sentences. He felt nervous and scared at what was about to unfold, and he certainly didn't feel ready.
Lindsay looked at him and blinked slowly to see whether he was really there. He didn't magically disappear – he really was here. Standing in front of her, after what seemed so long, was the man she loves.
Loved.
She had loved him. She had loved him, but she wouldn't anymore. She told herself that she refused to love a man that treated her this way. She made a promise to herself that she would get over him. Eventually, she would get over this…thing that the two of them had. It wasn't even worth calling it a relationship because even though they were officially together for quite a while, she felt that if they were in a relationship, he wouldn't have shut her out like he did.
If what they had been through was a real relationship, he would have sat down and talked to her about what was going. She realized that she hadn't acted that way with him during her problems, but she regretted her actions. She wished she had let him in at the start. Maybe then he would have come straight to her to talk, instead of giving her the cold shoulder.
Lindsay looked down as she brushed past him, walking up the steps into the building. She heard his footsteps follow her up the stairs to her apartment door, and she tried to remember how to breathe. She didn't want him to follow her up but knew that he would. He would always follow her, wherever she went.
Unlocking her front door, Lindsay stepped in and carried on walking, straight to her drinks cabinet in the kitchen. The soft click of her door and the sliding of locks alerted her to the fact that he was there with her. She knew that they were going to have a serious discussion and so figured she'd be better off with a stiff drink in her hand.
Getting out the scotch he had bought her she poured him a drink, and grabbed the vodka bottle for herself. He was standing uncomfortably in the middle of her living room and she saw the tension creases in his face. He would definitely need that drink.
"Here," she handed him the glass tumbler, and went to sit on the couch. She watched carefully as he looked at her for a moment, before settling down next to her on the old brown couch. He raised the glass to his lips and took a gulp. He sighed gratefully and looked at her. She quickly looked down to focus on the vodka bottle in her hands. The last thing she wanted was to look him in the eyes. She wasn't ready to see the truth.
Taking a long drag from the bottle, Lindsay sighed and welcomed the familiar burning sensation. The warmth settled in her chest as she closed her eyes. Without opening them, she spoke. "Why are you here?" Her voice was calm even though inside she was terrified about what he would tell her.
Danny too focused on his drink. He swirled the amber liquid around in his glass as he silently prayed to God. He asked for her to somehow understand. He knew he was praying for a miracle, but he clung to hope anyway.
His voice was rough as he answered simply, "I needed to speak to you."
"And it couldn't wait until the morning?"
"No, it really couldn't." He glanced sideways at her. "Honestly, when would we get another chance? You hardly speak to me at work unless it's essential and you rarely pick up my calls outside of work hours. This is the best time for both of us and you know that."
Lindsay shrugged, he had a good point. She took another swig from her bottle to calm the bad feeling surfacing in her gut. "Alright…" She continued to look forward as she nodded slightly for him to continue.
Danny sighed as he shifted uncomfortably in his seat. The way she was acting, the blank look on her face, it was worrying him. She seemed so distant from him and he knew deep down that what he was about to tell her was probably going to push her away forever.
"I know there are all these issues we haven't talked about, and I just can't handle it anymore…I did a bad thing. I shut you out, I missed your birthday, I didn't talk to you when I should have—"
Lindsay interrupted his rambling, "You do realize that's more than one 'bad thing'?"
He chuckled slightly at how she could still keep up her dry sense of humor in such a fucked up situation. "Alright, so I did more than one bad thing." He licked his lips and carried on, his heart in his mouth. "Throughout this all…I've been tryin' to talk to you Linds. I've been tryin' to make this better—"
"Joking around about Jaws isn't much to make things better Danny," she reminded him. "Talking to me, being with me, that's how to make things better."
"Yeah, I know that now. That's what I'm tryin' to do. Linds, I need to talk to you, to tell you everything so that we can get better." He didn't know how to tell her everything. He was scared of her reaction, scared of her not understanding how he felt. But he had put them into this situation and so would have to deal with the fallout that was bound to happen.
Danny knocked back the remains of his scotch and set the glass down on the small table in front of them. He saw out of the corner of his eye, Lindsay placing her bottle of vodka down on the floor next to the couch. He took a couple of deep breaths as he sat forward, resting his forearms on his knees.
"That day…when Ruben died, it felt…I felt as if I failed. I just kept thinking that I was cop, aren't I meant to stop these things from happening? I know I couldn't have stopped it. I know there was nothin' I could have done to stop him dying." His voice filled with the pain he felt whenever he spoke about Ruben. "I know that now. But back then, I blamed myself for not checking up on him. I blamed myself for not going to see if he made it home alright, I could have at least phoned to see if he had arrived home safe y'know?"
He looked back and saw Lindsay watching him intently. She gave him a soft nod, to show that she actually understood why he felt that way.
"When I had to tell Rikki…It wasn't like anythin' I've done before. We're used to tellin' mother's their kids have been killed but to tell someone you know that their kid has been taken away from them…I just wanted the ground to open and swallow me. I didn't want to see her cry. I didn't want to be the source of her hurt and anger."
Lindsay's quiet voice stopped him. "But there was nothing you could have done. It wasn't your fault."
Danny nodded. "I know that, I know that. But at the time it felt like her tears were my fault. She was inconsolable, Linds. There was nothin' I could do. I saw her at church. I wanted to talk to her, to apologize, to pray with her, anything. But she refused to talk to me. So I just sat there, tryin' to find salvation but it just didn't come. And I had to do something. That's why I started to shut you out. Because I was tryin' to find an escape and that was to fold in and only think about myself. At that point, I didn't care if I hurt you."
He looked back with a pleading look in his eyes, and saw the hurt on Lindsay's face. He knew that pain was going to increase ten fold soon. "I'm sorry for having to say this. I don't want to hurt you. I've never wanted to hurt you. But it's the truth, Lindsay. That's how I felt at the time. If we're to get back on track then you need to hear this."
Lindsay nodded slowly. She understood where he was coming from. Despite all the pain she felt from having to hear about his grief, she knew that this was what had to be done. If they ever wanted to get back to how they were then she would need to know why he did the things he had done.
Danny turned back to focus on his clasped hands. "I regressed back to my old self. I was back to being the guy that didn't care who he hurt as long as he was alright. It gave me safety and gave me a chance to wallow. I know I shouldn't have done it. It was a cruel thing to do and I'm sorry I hurt you by doin' it. I just need you to understand that it was instinct."
"I understand." Lindsay's voice was tiny as she looked at the back of his head. "I know…I did the same thing to you. I left you hanging, I pushed you away. I know it was a natural thing to do." Her voice shook as she carried on. "I know what grief can do to a person. I know the importance of wallowing, Danny…I just, I just wished I could have helped you somehow. But then again, it's only fair. If I hadn't shut you out during the trial maybe then you would have come to me after Ruben's death instead of trying to cope on your own, even if you thought you had to."
Danny sighed as his eyes closed at her last sentence. He knew she was going to blame herself. He always knew that somehow she would take responsibility so he wouldn't, as if trying to spare him the guilt. It wasn't fair. He deserved the guilt, she didn't. She's had enough guilt to last her a lifetime. "Lindsay don't. Don't blame yourself for my actions. It's not fair on you." He shook his head, "Even if you had come to be during the trial, I think I would have still acted the same. I wouldn't have come to you for comfort…"
"Why not?" Lindsay whispered even though she was scared of knowing the answer.
"I needed…I don't know. I needed something to take the pain away. I needed a release. I didn't care how it came as long as I got the chance to escape this pain that was building up inside of me. It was hurting so badly, Linds. And I just couldn't handle it anymore. I knew if I went to you you'd try to convince me that it wasn't my fault. I knew you'd try to make things better. And where I was then, I didn't want things to get better. I wanted to embrace the pain because I thought I deserved it. But then at the same time, I wanted to get rid of it. I wanted to stop the pain."
"I was confused. I had all these thoughts rushing through my head that I forgot everythin'. I forgot that I had someone to go to with my problems. I forgot your fucking birthday and I'm sorry for that too. I should have remembered. I should have remembered a lot of things but I didn't because I was so messed up that I couldn't think clearly."
He let out a frustrated noise and rubbed his hands over his face. He knew he would have to tell her. Already he had told her most things except for the most heartbreakingly important part. Danny took a quick glance back at her and as before, she was staring at him, hanging off his every word.
He turned away from her, not wanting to look her in the eye when he told her the next part of his story. He couldn't take seeing the tears form in her beautiful eyes. "I know why it happened. I was trying to make the pain disappear. I was trying to replace it with something else. I thought if I could get some sort of…pleasure then this pain would disappear. As if one thing could cancel out the other. I was trying to replace one wrong thing with another. At the time it didn't feel wrong. It was unfamiliar and nonjudgmental and that's what I needed—"
"Danny," Lindsay's suddenly sharp voice interrupted him. "You aren't making any sense. What happened? What did you do?" Lindsay watched carefully, a frown on her face, as he shook his head sadly. That's when she knew. No words were spoken but she felt that there was no need for any. She knew him too well.
He had cheated on her.
He had finally done it.
It took a moment for the thought to digest. He had cheated. Of course he had cheated on her. Why she hadn't thought about it before she didn't know. Now that she considered it, it seemed so likely, so obvious. This was Danny Messer, the man who had no grasp on the meaning of commitment.
"Who was it?"
Her voice sounded so foreign to his ears. It was tiny, broken, and weak; it was a definite contrast to her usual strong self. Danny closed his eyes, hating the fact that he was the cause of that haunting voice. "Rikki Sandoval."
Suddenly, all Lindsay could do was laugh. She didn't know why, maybe it was to stop her from crying. "Rikki? Are you serious?" Lindsay blinked a few times to register what he had told her. He had cheated on her with her. Lindsay felt her stomach roll. This couldn't get anymore twisted.
"Okay…" She felt the anger rise inside of her. "So basically, you pity fucked Ruben's mom? You thought that since you had taken away her kid, you'd just replace it with your body?" Lindsay's faced twisted at the thoughts going through her mind. Staring at him, his body still facing away from her, she felt sick. "Yeah," she laughed slightly. "I'm sure that made both of you feel whole lot better."
Danny shook his head. He knew she wouldn't understand. But to be fair, she had the right to be irrational about this. "It did. When it happened…It made me feel better. It made me feel alive. It stopped the pain, even if it was for a while. The relief I felt afterwards was what I had been begging for."
Now it was Lindsay's turn to shake her head. Suddenly, she couldn't stand being so close to him. Like a lightning bolt, she got up from the couch and made a noise of disgust. How dare he try to giver her excuses for what he had done to her. "You had to get that from her?" Why not me? That's what she really wanted to ask. She wanted to cry and scream at him, but somehow her voice couldn't rise over an angry whisper. She wanted to know why he couldn't get that 'relief' from her, but she knew if she asked she wouldn't like the answer.
He watched as she stalked to the other side of the room, vodka bottle grabbed from the floor to be held close to her chest as if it would protect her. "She understood," Danny stated simply, his voice a whisper. "She understood because she was at the same level. It was as if it would show how sorry I was."
Lindsay's broken laughter echoed through the quiet apartment. "You had sex with her to apologize." This was getting better by the minute. "Why do you always have to be so different? Why did you have to take off your fucking clothes to say sorry? What, words not good enough for the great Danny Messer?"
Danny stood from the couch to cautiously walk up behind her. He kept his voice soft. "Linds, please." He carefully placed a hand on her elbow. "You have to understand—"
Lindsay yanked her arm away from him, nearly hitting the vodka bottle over his head at the same time. Her face adopted a snarl as she stepped away from him. Soon enough she found herself backed up against the wall next to her window. "I don't have to understand a thing you say. You told me why you pushed me away, and yeah, I managed to somehow understand that. I tried to understand because I wanted to help us. I wanted to get back to the way we were."
Gradually the tears she had been trying to fight off surfaced in her eyes. Her voice began to crack under the strain of the tears building up. "But to understand this?" She shook her head as her grip on the vodka bottle turned her knuckles white. "I can't do it, Danny. I can't…I don't want to. You're asking for a miracle if you think I'd ever understand why you slept with another woman."
Danny looked on anxiously as Lindsay started to breathe deeply in an attempt to calm herself down. She shakily raised a hand to swipe at her eyes, catching the tears before they got their chance to slip away. He looked at her and his heart broke a little more. Why was he such a fuck up? Why did he have to cause pain to such an innocent person?
He didn't know what to do as she started to cry openly, her unsteady hands not quick enough for the stream of tears. He walked closer to her until he was nearly touching her. Her eyes were downcast as she tried to hide her tears.
"Lindsay…" He reached out cautiously to slowly rub her shoulder. "Hey…don't. I'm sorry, Linds. I'm sorry. Please, don't cry…"
"No. Don't." Lindsay sniffed and fiercely rubbed at her eyes. He wasn't allowed to see her cry. She started to shake her shoulder, trying to release his grip. "You don't get to comfort me. Not after all this." The anger in her crept up, clawing at her. "I am not Rikki, Danny. You cannot just apologize and then fuck it better."
His first instinct was to defend her. Rikki wasn't just a cheap fuck. It had meant something to him. It made him feel better and that was something amazing. She had given him hope. But then, he reasoned, so did Lindsay. She gave him hope and love and he wanted her more than he could express.
Then why did he feel such a pull to Rikki?
He had tried to tell himself that it was the guilt. It was the guilt and pride he felt that made him care about what they had. Their relationship was purely based on grief and he knew that nothing could come of it.
It didn't stop him wonder though.
Gathering his thoughts, Danny looked at Lindsay, and knew what he had to do. Regret was clear in his eyes as he watched her. "I would never do that," Danny soothed.
"But you did it with her," she whispered dejectedly. Lindsay looked up as she prepared herself for what she was going to ask next. "Was she worth it, Danny?" She saw the guilt flash across his eyes. "Was what you had with her worth it?" Lindsay stared into his blue eyes, searching for an answer. Her voice quivered as she watched him think it over.
"Was she worth it…even if it meant you'd lose me?"