I had never lied to her. When I helped her close that first rift, I had indeed felt the whole world change. I watched as she changed and she became ever more beautiful. I had never joined Cassandra thinking I would ever find someone who could even convince me to turn my attention away from the Fade but she did. I don't think she ever realized what a marvel it is that she had done so or how much she mattered - how much she matters to me.

I remember when we first had a moment to breathe. She had come by looking for the alchemist and we shared a conversation, nothing special. I remember it started to snow. I remember watching the red flame vallaslin she had etched on her face just so I didn't get lost in her vibrant purple eyes.

I had never met anyone who was as interested as I was in the Fade but she wanted to know everything I knew and then learn more. After we fled Haven and found our fortress at Skyhold she came to see me again. She wanted more answers about me, about my past that I could not give her. How could she understand? I took her to Haven as a way to distract her and talk about the days that she was unconscious. I said I was studying her mark, which I did but I also studied her, how she breathed, how her eyelids fluttered as she dreamed, how her dark yellow hair fell across her face. She had a nightmare at one point, her hair shined with sweat as she ran away from whatever imaginary beast was chasing her. I placed my hand upon her cheek and whispered that she wasn't alone and she calmed quickly.

We left the cell in which she'd been imprisoned and that's when I told her about our failed attempts to seal the rift and she had done it with nothing more than her gesture and that's also when I told her that she changed everything. Then she kissed me there, overlooking Haven. When she pulled away I pulled her back and kissed her again before I could even stop myself. For the first time in centuries I had let my heart decide instead of my head. I stopped myself, I told her it wasn't right considering where we were. I saw comprehension dawn on her face faster than on others I had known.

I tried to stay away from her but she needed my skills as a mage when fighting through Thedas. Those nights speaking with her while Blackwall and Cole slept by the fire drew us closer but I stopped myself from getting too close, it wouldn't be fair to her.

I had started to wonder if her character and morals were shaped by who she was or the Anchor upon her hand. I took the chance when next she came to speak with me, we went to her balcony. I had hoped there would be guards or petitioners below - someone who would keep me from getting too close just by their presence but of course her room was empty and it was just the two of us.

I asked my question, hoping to be out of there as soon as I could. Her mark had not changed her, I was surprised because of how much the Dalish have gotten wrong in trying to reclaim the culture from Arlathan. I confessed to her that I remembered kissing her, hoping that sh would say that it was nothing but then she moved closer, I could see in her eyes what she wanted. I was all too aware that we were very alone. I tried to leave before I did something I'd regret but she stopped me. I told her it would be kinder if I left but I knew that I wouldn't be able to stand losing her. I kissed her again, deeper and holding her closer.

I stopped trying to stay away from her after that, I felt myself falling but when I was with her it felt like I was flying. I knew I had a mission and that she could never know of it. I knew that she would help me if I asked but how was I to explain it to her without earning her ire? without her thinking me mad?

I knew I would have to address the issue but I was so happy just to feel like a normal elf. I kept putting it off even as we got closer. Those firelit conversations by night hearing of when her magic blossomed. Her training as the Keeper's apprentice. When she discovered her speciality with fire magic.

We didn't just talk on those nights, we never slept together but there were a number of times where we just fell asleep in each others arms. Our companions were sure that we were having sex. I knew that she wanted it but she was more than content to wait for me to be ready.

It was when I danced with her at the Winter Palace in Orlais that I realized I could give her everything and that that is exactly what she deserved from me but first I had to tell her the truth.

I couldn't figure out how to tell her though, we continued our adventures. Our nighttime conversations continued to draw me in.

We went to the Temple of Mythal and I despaired at seeing her temple in such a state for I remember when it was a wondrous sight with supplicants and pilgrims coming and going and the guard with their armor gleaming in the sun. To see it a mere ruin of a bygone age angered me then she drank from the Well of Sorrows. I begged her not to, I could not bear to see her enslaved. I feared what Mythals will would do to her. How it would change her.

She came to me the night we got back to Skyhold. I yelled at her that she had made the wrong decision and I regretted it the second I saw myself in her eyes, I wondered how she couldn't see the wolf prowling in front of her.

I realized then that I had to tell her the truth, I had found the perfect place - a glade not far where the veil is thin. I took her there because she had to know what she means to me. I had intended on bringing her there to tell her everything about my mission and my true identity.

I told her that she had become more important than I could have ever imagined. I hoped that telling her this first would help her accept what I was steeling myself to say. The last second I lost my nerve, I looked into her eyes and couldn't bear seeing her look at me with those eyes and calling me a liar, telling me I had no place by her side. I instead tell her the truth behind the vallaslin.

When I kissed her, I felt myself falling into her. I wanted so badly to just lose myself to her, in her. Mind, body and soul I wanted to be hers forever. I wanted to be so close that I wouldn't be able to see where she ended and I began. To forget about the mission I have dedicated myself too.

I pulled away for one instant to gaze upon her face and in that instant I realize that I couldn't forget it. That maybe in another world I would be able to be with her but not this one. I needed to break off my emotions from her.

I saw her heartbreak when I told her that I was distracting her from her duty - in reality she was distracting me from mine. I left her there whispering sorry even though I knew it was no where near what she deserved. She deserved an explanation I couldn't give her. My heart broke even as I heard her crying. I felt tears start to fall from my face when I heard her fall to the ground behind me, shaking and sobbing in her grief.

She never came to visit me after that.
I never said goodbye.