Jyn Erso watches the medal ceremony that takes place at the wake of the destruction of the Death Star from the sidelines. She hasn't joined the crowd, not even the two men who got the medals.
They offered her the "honour to be awarded by princess Leia" (their words) and she told them to go fuck themsleves.
Her team was dead.
The whole Rogue Squardon was dead.
She was the only survivor, Rogue One, the leader. And only because all the rest gave their lives. Not for her, hell no. It was for those plans. They all died by the hands of that monster in black. He could choke them to death without touching them and he would have killed her off too, had she not used everyone else's deaths to stage hers and send the plans.
He haunts her dreams every night. They haunt her days. His breath and their screams haunt her life.
In the distance, happy, celebratory music is playing and she feels the bile rising.
Why are their deaths not recognised by mourning them? Why is there joy and fucking medals? To two of the most useless people, no less?
There is a criminal who all he did was fire the gun of a junk ship once from safe distance there, taking a medal.
And not the Rogue Squadron dead members.
There is a brat who came out of nowhere and fired two missiles in an exhaust port there, taking a medal.
And not her dead teammates.
She was offered to be there, but she is too disgusted by those "heroes" who take credit for other people's blood, sweat and tears and life and they smile.
As she sees the two clowns facing the Rebellion, smiling, she knows that she's neither a Rebel nor an Imperial. She just happened to be in one particular side of this crazy, bullshit civil war and she feels no loyalty to any pampered, useless princess who smiles happily while her planet's dust still travels the stars, nor to freaks with helmets who hide their faces as they strangle people without their hands.
She fought in a war that was not hers, they made her go through the grinder in this mission and now they want her to parade in this circus.
Fuck all of them, Rebellion and Empire alike.
But their deaths should be recognised. There should be tears and horror for them.
Instead, there is nothing for them. Not for those who stand above, smiling taking joy in killing the five hundred thousand people who worked on the Death Star.
These two "heroes" are murderers, just on the other side of the Empire.
And so she is.
She goes to her room to take her few belongings and leave this place for good. They blackmailed her into this mission; the least they could do was to unleash her now that she's done it. And if they dare to stop her from leaving... too bad. She'll fight them. She'll kill her way out, if needed. Let them think they're heroes while they're simply the other half of their enemies. Once they are forced to take hard decisions, they'll see. There is no Light side and Dark side. There is no good or evil.
Just the war and the death.
She knows she'd feel no remorse in killing them to leave. Be it Mon Mothma, these two "heroes" or that bratty princess, she'd raise her gun to anyone who tries to stop her.
A knock on her door stops her from putting her belongings in her bag. She freezes and then she grabs her blaster.
"Who is it?" she asks, turning slowly towards the closed door and raises the barrel at it.
"Jyn Erso, princess Leia is here for you," the voice of the commander under Mon Mothma.
Jyn lowers her arm and she feels her insides turning. Fuck no, they didn't...
The door opens without her concent and yes, they fucking did.
That "princess Leia" is there, all white, virginal dress and ridiculous hairdo and Jyn can see the two other "heroes" behind her.
The "princess" smiles at her and Jyn feels like shooting her in the face. "You did not come to the ceremony," she starts and her tone is not accursatory to the slightest, but Jyn feels the rage boiling in her all the same. She doesn't answer, because she has nothing to say.
"You deserve a medal for your heroism, Jyn Erso. Your mission gave us the plans to the Death Star and thus our first victory. You deserve the recogni-"
"We just killed fine hundred thousand people and you celebrate it," Jyn cuts her and watches as the smile fades and the two "heroes" frown. The shorter one looks suddenly lost.
"My whole team died in ways you can't imagine, and you're here to give medals for even more deaths," Jyn's face is an ugly grimace and she feels so, so tired. She turns her back to them, grabs her bag and walks past them, pushing them aside.
"Hey, lady, wait a moment," the taller of the "heroes" starts, but Jyn doesn't listen any further and just walks away.
"Princess Leia of Alderaan is talking to you! She came here to honour you," the commander yells.
"Alderaan doesn't exist anymore," Jyn answers, not turning around. She can hear that "princess" saying that "it's alright" and things about pain and loss and that she can understand and it takes Jyn all her willpower to not shoot at the young girl.
She's at the elevator door and she presses the button, when she hears a new and very young male voice calling her.
"What was the name of your team?"
That stops her.
She turns around and sure enough, it's the short "hero". He's a kid, Jyn thinks and her chest constricts. A kid pulled into this mess.
But his eyes are all blue fire and they look at her straight, determined and fearless and as the elevator dings and the doors open, Jyn finds herself answering.
"Rogue Squadron."
It's weird and it makes no sense, but as the boy nods at her his expression unwavering, Jyn suddenly feels just a little less burdened by her teammates' deaths.
Squashing the feeling, she gets into the elevator and presses the button for the ground floor. As the doors close, the commander apologises to the "princess" and the taller "hero" murmurs things that sound like "-wrong with her".
But both the young girl and the young boy look at her in the eyes and she sees no sign of wavering. The girl (Leia...) has the same fearless expression and burning eyes as the boy and she nods at Jyn right before the doors close.
Jyn is left feeling as if she was just cut from a warm fire in the middle of a freezing rainstorm and she still doesn't know why.