Mr. Heller owns these characters, and he'd probably be horrified at this silly little story. No copyright infringement is intended
AN: I apologize for this story in advance. I've been working on the last chapter to another dark, serious, story (Options) which is proving hard for me to write, and it was driving me crazy. Plus it's Friday afternoon. So, I decided to write something completely different to give myself a break. It's silly and juvenile, and I can't even blame it on the wine, because I haven't had any (yet). And now I have to go post this before I lose my nerve. All I'm hoping for with this one is a few cheap laughs.
The title is taken from the Lisbon/Jane exchange at the end of Red Velvet Cupcakes, and was chosen because it pretty much sums up the entire existence of the story.
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Cho, Rigsby, and Van Pelt are sitting in the break room, munching on some homemade sausage balls that a victim's family has brought by. The aunt had been so grateful (and charmed by Patrick Jane) that she'd wanted to do something special for the team to thank them.
"God these are good," Rigsby moans in gustatory ecstasy as he reaches for his umpteenth serving.
"Delicious," agrees Van Pelt.
"I just hope this afternoon is quiet," Cho sighs.
Most of the department is gone to a mandatory seminar, but Lisbon's team has been chosen to stay behind to mind the store. About ten this morning, Lisbon disappeared into her office, closed her blinds, and instructed everyone in no uncertain terms that she was not to be disturbed. She had a mountain of paperwork, she explained, and she was determined to get as much of it done as possible while the department was quiet.
Three hours later, she hasn't come out. Rigsby has just sunk his teeth into another sausage ball when his phone buzzes.
"Yeth." It's not pretty, and crumbs escape his lips as he attempts to answer. "Wigthsby."
It's Lisbon. "Hey Rigs, do you know where Cho and Van Pelt are?"
He takes a quick drag on his bottle of water and manages to be understood with his answer. "Yeah, boss, we're all just sitting here in the break room."
"Good. Put this on speakerphone, then. I'm doing some of the Carlotta case paperwork and I'm unclear in a couple of spots."
"Okay, Boss." Rigsby places the phone on the table in front of him and hits the speakerphone button.
Just then, they hear a clank in the background and another voice is audible on Lisbon's phone. "Are you ready for me, Lisbon? I'm here, just as you requested."
"Hey guys, actually this is going to have to wait. I'll call you back in a few."
"This may take awhile, Lisbon," Jane's voice is again heard in the background.
There are some clicking and scraping sounds, and Rigsby is about to punch off his phone, when they catch some further conversation.
"C'mon over here, Lisbon, let's get started."
"Now? I don't know if have time? I really should be doing this paperwork."
"Paperwork, schmaperwork, let's get into your drawers." There's an unmistakable smile in his voice.
They realize Lisbon thinks she has turned off her phone, and they are well aware they shouldn't be listening. Yet none of them moves. Rigsby's eyes grow wide as the conversation continues.
"Are you sure you're up to it, Boy Wonder?" Lisbon taunts him.
"Of course, because l have just what you need here, Lisbon. This'll get the job done right."
Van Pelt's mouth drops open and even Cho's eyebrows raise a millimeter in surprise when Lisbon giggles and says, "Oh my God. It's…huge."
Van Pelt suppresses a nervous laugh just as Cho reaches toward the phone to turn it off, but Rigsby is too quick, and jerks it back out of his reach.
"We shouldn't be listening to this," Cho whispers, not wanting to get caught.
Rigsby whispers back, "Jane put me and Grace on the air, remember? Turn about."
They quit bickering upon hearing Jane's next words. "I think it will prove adequate. The mechanical advantage comes in the length – or so I've been told."
"Oh, really?" She's playing along.
"Yes, really."
"Look, maybe we should put this off – I've got so much to do."
Jane's voice is low and throaty. "Oh come on, Lisbon, you've been begging me to do this for days, and I'm ready now."
"Okay, okay."
Shuffling noises are heard over the phone, and then, "Gotta get this coat off."
The three team members know they should have stopped listening minutes ago, but they sit, frozen in anticipation of what they might hear next.
"Show me where to start."
"How about – here – easy at first."
"I'll just slip this right in here."
"Yeah, that's working."
"Starting to loosen up?"
"Definitely. How about over here?" she asks with a grunt.
"See how well this works?" His tone is smug.
"Shut up, Jane."
"I'm wounded, my dear. Am I not being effective?"
"Don't get cocky, it's not done yet. Move over here, to the bottom. Yes, there."
"This is the easy part."
"Okay, it's beginning to happen. What now?"
"I'm going to push this in a little farther, so hold on there, Lisbon."
"Go ahead, I'm ready."
"Yes! See how much farther I'm getting every time?"
"Keep going."
"Don't worry, wouldn't stop now for the world." Jane is panting with exertion.
A loud creaking noise is heard.
"Oh, yesssss!" Lisbon hisses.
"Now we're getting somewhere. You still okay?"
"Are you kidding, Jane? So close. Keep going. A little farther. Right there. And over to the left. Yes."
The team sits glued to the phone, and they hear some more muffled noises while there's a pause in the conversation.
"Coming?" Jane gets out the simple question between gasps.
"Nearly." There's a short pause. "One more time. Yesssss!"
A small crash is heard in the background.
"See, was that easypeasy or what?" Jane asks, breathless.
"Hallelujah."
Cho, Rigsby and Van Pelt glance around at each other. Grace's face is red with embarrassment, and Rigsby's mouth is wide open. Only Cho has managed to maintain his stoic expression.
The rustle of papers is heard in Lisbon's office.
"Wow, that was certainly worth the effort, eh? You satisfied, Lisbon?"
"Yes, you and that…thing…have made me a happy woman. I have to say, it was harder than I thought it would be."
"I told you I could do it, didn't I?"
"Yes, you did. I can see why you brought that big of a crowbar now. It took every inch to get the job done."
"Yup. Anytime you need help getting into your drawers, don't hesitate to call. A lot can be accomplished with the right tool."
Rigsby nearly chokes again, and he hasn't eaten a thing. Van Pelt silently shushes him.
"Well, thanks, Jane."
"My pleasure."
The team hears the sound of Lisbon's door opening and in a few seconds, Jane walks into the break room. He's tapping a large crow bar from the Citroen into his free hand.
Rigsby dives at his phone and punches the off button, and Van Pelt is suddenly absorbed in picking out which sausage ball to eat next. Cho's back is to Jane, and he allows a hint of a smile to cross his face.
"Hey, folks. Lisbon's file cabinet drawers are no longer jammed. Must have been the hot weather – makes the metal expand, you know?" His amused smile suggests he knows more than he's letting on, but he continues on down the hall toward the elevator.
When he's out of sight, all of them erupt into hysterical laughter. They don't immediately notice when Lisbon steps into the break room. "What's so funny?" she asks innocently.
"Oh," Van Pelt attempts to recover. "It's a long story, Boss," she says, before losing her composure in another snigger.
"What's going on?"
"Nothing, really, Boss," Rigsby attempts to assure her.
"Cho?" she asks him pointedly.
"It would be inappropriate."
She frowns, but she's much too busy to press the matter, so she just shakes her head. "C'mon then, let's go sit down in the bullpen and you all can help me get the story straight on this one."
"Be glad to, Boss. We definitely need to get the story straight," Rigsby says. They all smile at his double meaning as they file out of the break room after her.
Inappropriate doesn't begin to cover it, after all.