Longing and Leaving, a sentinel fanfic

all same... don't own... don't sue... no money... blaah blaah blaah

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Longing and Leaving
By: © Simon Erif

He was sitting there listening the rain and his new time favourite song. He was feeling depressed for this would be his last night in the loft, Jim's loft. He would be moving to his own apartment tomorrow morning. He was feeling down and totally depressed for Jim hadn't even winced when he'd broken the news of his departure from the place he had learned to call home even. His plan had been that he had wanted to see if Jim could care about him more than just a friend but It seemed that I was not meant to be that way for him. So he sat here watching the rain and listening to this bittersweet song that he had come to love for its truthful words.

/When ever sang my songs
On the stage on my own
Whenever said my words
Wishing they would be heard/

He laughed with bitterness as the lyrics ones again bit hard and deep inside his heart. He couldn't believe how true it sounded to him. How well those words were picturing his situation. He watched the world outside the balcony windows and wondered if Jim would ever hear the words of this song again.

/I saw you smiling at me
Was it real or just my fantasy?
You'd always be there in the corner
Of this tiny little bar/

He remembered the many times he'd seen that smile on Jim's face only to later realize it was only a friendly smile nothing more. He had watched Jim fall in love time after time with out a word from himself in protest. He wanted to keep him in that little place it seemed he had always been in, but in the same time he didn't want to risk the friendship they had. It was so sad that now he would leave and then Jim wouldn't no longer be in that "corner of this tiny little bar". He would stay here in Cascade but Blair had decided to move on, to leave if not forever then for a good time to get his feelings sorted out.

/My last night here for you
Same old songs, just once more
My last night here with you?
Maybe yes, maybe no
I kind of liked it your way
How you shyly placed your eyes on me
Did you ever know
That I had mine on you?/

So it was his last night "home" and where was Jim? He was out with his new girlfriend. Alice was her name he tried to remember but didn't really care. His beloved was out spending his time with a lovely lady while his lovesick best friend was at home depressed and listening to a song he never understood before. Blair laugher at his foul mood and answered to the songs questions. Yeah last night with him till the next time. He thought silently. He couldn't believe he was really leaving it still felt a little unbelievable. And Jim wasn't going to stop him in anyway. He'd just escort him to the plane and leave to spent yet another night with his lovely Alice. He wanted to cry but then again what would that help anyway. He was leaving and Jim was staying he to have a good life with his Alice. They would get married and move to a bigger house, have few kids maybe a god or a cat That was just the way it was going to be.

/Darling, so there you are
With that look on your face
As if you're never hurt
As if you're never down
Shall I be the one for you
Who pinches you softly but sure
If frown is shown then
I will know that you are no dreamer/

He was thinking of the times they had shared together in the loft or elsewhere. The times Jim had saved his life from whatever danger they had been facing at the time. He remembered the time he'd died. He'd been running in the jungle free and happy when the panther had stopped him and made him jump over the cliff. Now that he thought of it he would have rather wanted to stay in the jungle than return only to hear Jim say I'm not ready to take that trip with you He had felt his heart broke at that very moment and now it was braking for the very last time. Probably just take him last bad and leave with Jim to the air port then step in to the plain that would take him away from Cascade and Jim. He would never know what it's like to kiss Jim or hold him in his arms or to be hold by him in a tender embrace

/So let me come to you
Close as I want to be
Close enough for me
To feel your heart beating fast
And stay there as I whisper
How I love your peaceful eyes on me
Did you ever know
That I had mine on you?/

I wasn't like he hadn't tried to get Jim's attention but it was always like he hadn't even noticed. A few times he'd seen him looking but now he just thought it was his own imagination that had made him think that there was a chance for him. In reality there was not way Jim would feel more than friendship towards him. So I was not going to stay and whisper my loves to Jim's ear like the song suggested. I was going to leave to nurse my once again broken heart in a place I knew he wouldn't look for me. He would never know

/Darling, so share with me
Your love if you have enough
Your tears if you're holding back
Or pain if that's what it is
How can I let you know
I'm more than the dress and the voice
Just reach me out then
You will know that you're not dreaming/

They had shared so much in their time together, the tears of pain and sadness, the anger, joy and happiness. The only thing they hadn't shared was love. And that was the way it would be. Blair would love Jim till death would harvest upon his soul but Jim would not love Blair the way he so greatly graved. He would always be the odd one out if he stayed.

So he slept his last night in the loft unknowing of the explosion or car crash that happened only an hour later, of him falling in to the restless sleep. He didn't know that it was that very familiar white and blue car that had gotten hit by a truck, when the driver was speeding to get home to his beloved guide. He didn't know that the last words from those lovely lips were for him asking him... to stay.

THE END